Poppet35

I don't know, I'm wary. My partner has always been honest. I believe she would tell me. The other person is in her own relationship. I wonder if part of her silence is dealing with what this woman said to her the other day.
She is swiping everything I say or do away as if it's worthless it's like she neither wants nor needs anything from me at the moment.

AnvilheadII

then let her BE, poppet. quit taking her temperature every 5 mins. she wants to be cold, distant and removed? fine. you have a whole LIFE to live. she is NOT the center the universe. nor should your household revolve around her every whim.

what can you do for YOU today?

Poppet35

I know you're right Anvil Head. Been trying so hard today to do just that. It's so hard to stay chipper when the person you love can't bring themselves to even look at you.
What can I do for me today? Read my book, sew, listen to music.

I need to stop saying lovely thjngs to her don't I. I need to heed her "leave me alone" vibes don't I. Stop doing things I think might please her. It feels like she wishes me miles away from her. I watched her when I said something lovely to her, it was like I'd slapped her with a wet fish she was so uncomfortable, like I'd said something disgusting.

AnvilheadII

can you get out of the house? take yourself on an outing? hit the farmers market, or the fabric store? something that is JUST for YOU? get in tune with YOUR wants and needs.....listen to your own voice.

Ariesagain

"Quitting smoking" is going to be her new Get Out of Jail Free card for making you dance attendance upon her. If she fails, and she will, it will be your fault. In the meantime, she can be as ugly as she wants to be without repercussions and you will keep running around tending to her every whim.

Oh and as long as you're all focused on her "quitting smoking," no one is looking at her drinking.

If I were a praying person, I would be praying for you to take a step back and see this the way we see it, even for a moment.

tomsteve

something you can do is show some respect. she wants you to leave her alone? respect her and leave her alone. she doesnt want or need anythi g from you? dont give anything.
stop being selfish and self centered a d expecting her to do what you want. we,as people are entitled to live HOW WE WANT. its not my sesponsability to cure someone elses insecutities. its not my responsability to do what others think i should.
its MY responsability to respect and accept other peoples wishes whether i like them or not.

PLEASE keep tbe mirror on you and start finding the answers for why you are acting and feeling how you are.

one more thing: nobody makes me feel ANYTHING unless i allow it- it is ME that is responsible for my feelings

dandylion

Poppet....I have a feeling that you are right to be wary about the relationship with the other person. I seem to recall that this caused similar behaviors in the past.......

I know that it feels like she is the center of your universe.....and, she is. in fact, occupying that role/position for you, right now.....
However, it is easy to see that you are not the center of hers (except for enabling her), doesn't that seem unbalanced and not fair...like you are being used...? doesn't that make you angry...? I know that it would make me feel very angry to be treated like that.....

I think yur pain is coming from your extreme co-depencency...and the fear that you are losing her...losing the relationship. It is an enormously painful state to be in. It is not possible to just wipe out co-dependency with a wave of the wand....It takes applying yourself to your own recovery..one baby step, after baby step.......

Certainly, it would be unreasonable to expect you to be "chipper" under these circumstances....It may be that it is lifesaving for you to decide to save yourself..no matter what it takes!

dandylion

Poppet35

Thank you tomSteve. Harsh but true words. I have been trying to respect her desire to behave as she is right now. I come from a position, where when I do respect her silence and withdrawal I get the consequence of being told I'm carrying on as normal so I clearly don't care, that I'm brushing things under the carpet and that I'm ignoring her, that I don't love her, that I'm the cold one. It's confusing because of the reactions I've received in the past to this behavior. This feels different tho.

I know I can't fix how she feels, but when you keep getting told "it's up to you to fix me, to fix us, to mend my insecurities" it gets twisted and confusing.
I shall respect her wishes to be withdrawn, I can protect myself from being hurt too.

I have been trying to figure out why I feel and act as I do and dandy lion says it all. Co dependency. Fear of losing her and the relationship but I also know my attempts to me things better make this more likely.

AnvilheadII

so what do you sew, poppet? i can barely get a button on without drawing blood, so i always find those with such skills amazing!

Poppet35

You're right dandy lion. I fear losing her. I'm trapped in this co dependancy thing. I don't quite know where to start fixing it but I've started looking again.
And you're right about life revolving round her, it aways seems to and yes it makes me angry, she seems to be the centre but that anger just ball up inside me.
I've been working to make the focus on her off centre, volunteering for helping my scout group so I have a separate focus jut for me, meet new people. I've worked hard settling in here in my new home, made a few lovely friends. I've started looking to find a better job so I don't work from home and I use my brain more.

I don't understand how I became like this. Perhaps I need to understand or perhaps I just need to work out how to stop this co dependancy. My behaviour might be why this whole thing is so messed up mightn't it.

Poppet35

Thank you
My skills are in the infancy. I made a dress for myself which i love and some shorts for my son (bright orange which he lovest, hes ordered a yellow pair next) . I'm In the process of making a top for myself but chose difficult material so its proving difficult. I enjoy sewing but I'm very much a newbie and still learning. I do have a fab pattern for a shorts suit for myself, but I get stuck chosing fabric. I would love a place set up for my sewing and when I find another job away from home I can set myself up in the current office.

Ariesagain

Don't misunderstand...your behavior is NOT why HER behavior is messed up.

Her behavior is her choice and her responsibility. Your behavior is yours. Taking ownership of your behavior is NOT the same as taking blame for hers.

Sending you a hug.

dandylion

Poppett....a relationship that is co-dependent with another person is a complicated dance between the two people. Remember..it takes 2 to tango...?,,,lol....
You both have found a way to come together in a relationship that can be labeled as "toxic" or "co-dependent".......or "dysfunctional"....
You both are entwined with each other...both trying (unsuccessfully) to get your needs met through this relationship. You can work on fixing yourself...but you ALONE cannot fix a relationship.....(co-dependents always seem to think they can).
How to help yourself in this...go back and read the co-dependent books and literature, again.....
Return back to the therapist that you stopped seeing.....
Keep working on detaching....
go to alanon meetings....or CODA meetings......

dandylion

Frankly, It sounds, to me, that she might be pretty "checked out" of it, at this point......
sorry to say that...but, if it is the reality.....it must be faced.....

tomsteve

"I have been trying to figure out why I feel and act as I do and dandy lion says it all. Co dependency. Fear of losing her and the relationship but I also know my attempts to me things better make this more likely."

for me it was low self esteem and personal insecurity. i didnt think i was worth the love of a mentally a d emotionally healthy woman and didnt love myself.
fear of being single, especially after being diagnosed with cancer. which was low self esteem showing its ugly head. just one example there.

"I know I can't fix how she feels, but when you keep getting told "it's up to you to fix me, to fix us, to mend my insecurities" it gets twisted and confusing. "

i sure understand that. but you can stop it from being confusing and twisted by keep reminding yourself you cant fix her. eventually you will fully accept that and
be ok with it.

Poppet35

Today is a new day. I had a dreadful nights sleep and feel wonky but that will pass once I get a good night's sleep under my belt.

I've googled some help with co dependency and am trying to narrow down the symptoms I have so that I can spot them when they rear up and I can learn to deal with them.

This morning, she's quiet and I've just let her be, simply enquiring politely how she slept and going no further.

Detaching - I find that hard but I do sometimes feel smothered and want time to my self so I'm going to learn to take time for myself and do things that make me happy. I showered to my music this morning - a really nice way to start the day.

Thank you all for listening and not beating around the bush, telling things like it is. This is a great place and I'm so pleased I found it, you all have helped me tremendously and I hope in the future I can be of help to others.

Going to kick this co-dependency stuff on the head - is the book mentioned in a sticky post what people recommend to read i.e. is the consensus that it's the best around?

I can't fix her, I can only fix me - my new mantra!

Poppet35

I'm trying to leave her be. In fact I have been leaving her be. Not enquiring about how she is all the time but I can tell it's starting to backfire. She's muttering under her breath because I'm not entering into my usual pacifying dance and she's not liking it.

Sorry, I have no other outlet and I'm finding this a struggle.

I feel like I'm living with a stranger and not a very pleasant one. I really don't know how to deal with how I'm feeling.

SparkleKitty

It sounds like you don't know how to deal with what SHE'S feeling. Try to remember that her feelings are her responsibility. It's not your job to fix them, moderate them, measure them, or handle them. Let her have them. You have your own to deal with, and that is more than enough for any human.

With codependency, it often feels like we CAN'T deal with our feelings when someone else is upset or angry, and it requires a leap of faith to let go and trust that you will be in a stronger, healthier place on the other side of it, with or without your partner's blessing or cooperation.

hopeful4

Thing is Poppet...once you start to detatch they don't like it. Not one bit. So expect that. She is very focused on her own wants and needs, I think it's time for you to focus on yours. I hope you carry on with a happy day!

Poppet35

Sparklekitty and hopeful you are both so right. Been out with my boy to collect his bike and feel much better. I'm trying to focus on me and the boys and what I want to do for once.
Thank you both.

CentralOhioDad

They want you to leave them be -until you actually DO leave them be, then you suddenly become uncaring about them and their feelings. It's all manipulation - my AW does this ALL the time.

I get told I'm not worth living with, so I give her space - then I'm told I don't care because I'm not attached to her hip. You suddenly feel like a yo-yo, out and back, out and back.

It's tiring, I feel you!

COD