Struggling today
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Originally Posted by TimeForMe 
Oh, Poppet. What a terrible situation. You said this:
"She's so unhappy and told me she feels stifled by me and my inane, banal life that I lead. No intelligent conversation, no travelling, no learning, I listen to crap music..."
Um. What the heck??? That is not cool to say to someone. What would you say to your boys if their partners said this to them? Wouldn't you tell them they deserve WAY BETTER than someone telling them their life was banal and inane??
I understand it is scary to be alone, and that you love this person. What joy does she bring you? What do you love about her NOW (not the person she could be or was or should be or will be; the person she IS)? Do you believe you deserve to be treated with respect and love in a way that fulfills you?
Love addiction / co-dependency gives us a "high". Love shouldn't be about trying to find the right combination of behaviors / words / actions that will please our partners at this moment, when we all know that combination of behaviors / words / actions constantly changes.
Someone posted a story about the "intermittent chicken". That story rang true to me. I'll try to find it.
Hugs to you.
"She's so unhappy and told me she feels stifled by me and my inane, banal life that I lead. No intelligent conversation, no travelling, no learning, I listen to crap music..."
Um. What the heck??? That is not cool to say to someone. What would you say to your boys if their partners said this to them? Wouldn't you tell them they deserve WAY BETTER than someone telling them their life was banal and inane??
I understand it is scary to be alone, and that you love this person. What joy does she bring you? What do you love about her NOW (not the person she could be or was or should be or will be; the person she IS)? Do you believe you deserve to be treated with respect and love in a way that fulfills you?
Love addiction / co-dependency gives us a "high". Love shouldn't be about trying to find the right combination of behaviors / words / actions that will please our partners at this moment, when we all know that combination of behaviors / words / actions constantly changes.
Someone posted a story about the "intermittent chicken". That story rang true to me. I'll try to find it.
Hugs to you.
I feel so happy when things are ok - is that the co-dependency thing?
What do I love about her now? I'm not sure. She looked beautiful the other day so I told her and she tied her hair back and apologised, she changed her clothes today because I said she looked beautiful.
I want someone to love me, the me who likes to sit quietly and read, the me who loves watching rubbishy films, the me who is quiet and relaxed. Someone to curl up with up, who is happy to spend an evening curled up in front of the log burner (which is very now being fitted) with a movie on or playing xbox. Someone who loves me how I am.
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
Of course she sees this. But seeing it did not alter her choice to do it anyway.
Sometimes we make someone a priority when all we are to them is an option.
Sometimes we make someone a priority when all we are to them is an option.
I can't prevent her from seeing this person, this person doesn't even know what they are in the middle of and my OH is once again using her.
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[QUOTE=Ariesagain;6074205]I'm so sorry. You don't deserve cruelty and she does seem to enjoy providing it.]
I never thought she would be cruel, but thrusting this ex in my face seems to be just that along with the pointing out how pathetic my life is.
I have a super school friend who posts the most motivational posts, she's been through a divorce herself and is determined to rise above and be the best. And every day she is doing exactly what she and her daughter want, they are achieving everything they want through real hard work and graft. I love seeing her posts, they mean a lot and she's an inspiration to me. I want to have a little more of what she has.
I am so much more when my OH isn't around, I plan, I do stuff. For some reason this all falls by the way side when she's around. Maybe that's me, maybe that's her.
I never thought she would be cruel, but thrusting this ex in my face seems to be just that along with the pointing out how pathetic my life is.
I have a super school friend who posts the most motivational posts, she's been through a divorce herself and is determined to rise above and be the best. And every day she is doing exactly what she and her daughter want, they are achieving everything they want through real hard work and graft. I love seeing her posts, they mean a lot and she's an inspiration to me. I want to have a little more of what she has.
I am so much more when my OH isn't around, I plan, I do stuff. For some reason this all falls by the way side when she's around. Maybe that's me, maybe that's her.
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Originally Posted by Poppet35
I am so much more when my OH isn't around, I plan, I do stuff. For some reason this all falls by the way side when she's around. Maybe that's me, maybe that's her.
You only get so many breaths, so many heartbeats. Don't you want to spend them living the life YOU want?
And FWIW, your description of that life sounds lovely.
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I am so much more when my OH isn't around, I plan, I do stuff. For some reason this all falls by the way side when she's around. Maybe that's me, maybe that's her.
This is you - you let her run the show, run the moods, run the household, and that's why she sticks around - she's the queen of the castle. Sorry to be blunt, but that's what it looks like to me.
I'm a better person when my AW is not around too, and that is pushing me forward to come to a resolution to things.
You are someone who is deserving of SOOOOOO much more - go out there and be it, get it, embrace it. She's not it. Sorry.
Big (((((HUGS))))))
COD
This is you - you let her run the show, run the moods, run the household, and that's why she sticks around - she's the queen of the castle. Sorry to be blunt, but that's what it looks like to me.
I'm a better person when my AW is not around too, and that is pushing me forward to come to a resolution to things.
You are someone who is deserving of SOOOOOO much more - go out there and be it, get it, embrace it. She's not it. Sorry.
Big (((((HUGS))))))
COD
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Originally Posted by Ariesagain
And FWIW, your description of that life sounds lovely.
Yes I do want to do what I want - stupid thing is I want to do these things with her. I'm happy to compromise and do things she wants to do (might struggle with the sailing but I'd give it a shot) which I have. Opera for instance, not my cup of tea but it's her world so I do.
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Originally Posted by CentralOhioDad
This is you - you let her run the show, run the moods, run the household, and that's why she sticks around - she's the queen of the castle. Sorry to be blunt, but that's what it looks like to me.
I'm a better person when my AW is not around too, and that is pushing me forward to come to a resolution to things.
I'm a better person when my AW is not around too, and that is pushing me forward to come to a resolution to things.
p.s. I love your "don't have time to fart"
Nothing like a bit of toilet humour.
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P,
OMG!! "She looked beautiful the other day so I told her and she tied her hair back and apologised, she changed her clothes today because I said she looked beautiful."
Your relationship is in turmoil and she is meeting up with her ex., and she tells you all about it, knowing this will upset you.
This is so MEAN!! She is not a nice person, she is abusive. I am sorry to say this, but she is a very sick human being.
I'm sorry!!
OMG!! "She looked beautiful the other day so I told her and she tied her hair back and apologised, she changed her clothes today because I said she looked beautiful."
Your relationship is in turmoil and she is meeting up with her ex., and she tells you all about it, knowing this will upset you.
This is so MEAN!! She is not a nice person, she is abusive. I am sorry to say this, but she is a very sick human being.
I'm sorry!!
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If we were solid then her meeting this woman wouldn't be quite so hard to deal with. But this is the second time within a week and my partner suggested it. She's having a couple of beers with her now. Oh and she kindly told me how this woman kissed her, on the cheek mind, in a friendly way but that could be exactly that.
I don't think she would have told me she was meeting her if I hadn't asked why she didn't know what time she'd be home.
Do you think I would have been within my rights to say that I wasn't comfortable with her meeting up with her ex? Is that an ok thing to do? I did say I was uncomfortable she was meeting her. I think they might message quite a bit too, every time I hear her phone ping.
I'm torturing myself aren't I. I want my partner back. I want her to come home and for us to be happy. I can't ask her not to see this woman again can I?
I don't think she would have told me she was meeting her if I hadn't asked why she didn't know what time she'd be home.
Do you think I would have been within my rights to say that I wasn't comfortable with her meeting up with her ex? Is that an ok thing to do? I did say I was uncomfortable she was meeting her. I think they might message quite a bit too, every time I hear her phone ping.
I'm torturing myself aren't I. I want my partner back. I want her to come home and for us to be happy. I can't ask her not to see this woman again can I?
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the partner you want left the building hon.........THIS is what you are left with.
you can make this madness stop ANY time. but to do so you will need to rely upon yourself and quit looking to her to fix it. to fix you.
she's taunting you, baiting you, and seems to enjoy seeing you submissively seek further abuse from her. you are feeding HER ego.
and i say ENOUGH. we have to stop allowing others to treat us like crap and then call it love. ITS NOT LOVE.
you can make this madness stop ANY time. but to do so you will need to rely upon yourself and quit looking to her to fix it. to fix you.
she's taunting you, baiting you, and seems to enjoy seeing you submissively seek further abuse from her. you are feeding HER ego.
and i say ENOUGH. we have to stop allowing others to treat us like crap and then call it love. ITS NOT LOVE.
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Or maybe I am blowing this up out of proportion and she is simply seeking out a friend (she has very few) to whom she can talk to and take some time out of our current situation.
I don't believe this woman knows anything about the relationship difficulties and has her own partner. It's been 15 years since they were together and she said she doesn't wish things had been different with this woman because they were bad for each other.
Maybe she is simply an innocent distraction and I'm blowing it up into something it isn't - I wouldn't put it past me.
Or maybe she is carefully using it to make me feel unstable and see what I could lose and how easy it is for her to find someone else or be with someone else.
I just want her to come home.
I don't believe this woman knows anything about the relationship difficulties and has her own partner. It's been 15 years since they were together and she said she doesn't wish things had been different with this woman because they were bad for each other.
Maybe she is simply an innocent distraction and I'm blowing it up into something it isn't - I wouldn't put it past me.
Or maybe she is carefully using it to make me feel unstable and see what I could lose and how easy it is for her to find someone else or be with someone else.
I just want her to come home.
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My friend. Your partner is not a good partner to you, and shows no sign of even wanting to be.
None of this is about her. It is about you: why you accept addiction, disrespect, manipulation, and betrayal in your relationship, and why you believe you do not deserve better than that.
None of this is about her. It is about you: why you accept addiction, disrespect, manipulation, and betrayal in your relationship, and why you believe you do not deserve better than that.
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
the partner you want left the building hon.........THIS is what you are left with.
you can make this madness stop ANY time. but to do so you will need to rely upon yourself and quit looking to her to fix it. to fix you.
she's taunting you, baiting you, and seems to enjoy seeing you submissively seek further abuse from her. you are feeding HER ego.
and i say ENOUGH. we have to stop allowing others to treat us like crap and then call it love. ITS NOT LOVE.
you can make this madness stop ANY time. but to do so you will need to rely upon yourself and quit looking to her to fix it. to fix you.
she's taunting you, baiting you, and seems to enjoy seeing you submissively seek further abuse from her. you are feeding HER ego.
and i say ENOUGH. we have to stop allowing others to treat us like crap and then call it love. ITS NOT LOVE.
If I accept she wants to end it, I don't care. If I don't accept it I'm not listening to her. If I don't say I want to fix things I don't care, if I do say I want to fix stuff then she's heard it all before.
You must think I'm mad
I know I could stop this but I'm afraid.
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
My friend. Your partner is not a good partner to you, and shows no sign of even wanting to be.
None of this is about her. It is about you: why you accept addiction, disrespect, manipulation, and betrayal in your relationship, and why you believe you do not deserve better than that.
None of this is about her. It is about you: why you accept addiction, disrespect, manipulation, and betrayal in your relationship, and why you believe you do not deserve better than that.
I read the Intermittent chicken - thank you "Timeforme" and perhaps that is it. Or Bluelilly's cat and mouse analogy. Me!
I don't know. I love her.
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You can ask her not to see the other person, but before you do know what you are asking. That is an ultimatum. Yes, you are within your right to give it, just be prepared if she chooses the other over you.
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