dandylion

newbeginnings....wow..he made a strong campaign (as predicted).....But, I think you did an excellent job of standing your ground!

He is looking through everything through his own set of filters....as I think you are beginning to see....

I agree with atalose about the protective order.

dandylion

firebolt

Hun,

A couple things really worry me. You have an order of protection against him for a reason, and he seems really fixated on you removing that - rather than really fixated on getting better, being humble, and apologizing. Nothing has changed on his end yet - even if he went to rehab on his own, even if he has a sponsor, even if he attends meetings.

Also, him really wanting to see his step kids seems like a shady way to get back into seeing you regularly - and despite a protection order.

Also - he is blaming you for everything. For all the consequences of the situation he caused.

These comments really stand out to me. He scared you so much that you got an order of protection against him. He can continue to intimidate you, abuse you and do so in front of your children until you enforce it. You are trying to explain your healthy leaps and bounds to a sick person, and it will never get it through to them until they get healthy on their own.

I know...I tried for 5 years to reason with the unreasonable.

Please enforce that protection order. If anything will get through to him, it is the consequences of his actions - and nothing else. Hang in there - I know it's hard.

newbeginings16

[QUOTE=firebolt;6033833]Hun,

You have an order of protection against him for a reason, and he seems really fixated on you removing that - rather than really fixated on getting better, being humble, and apologizing.
Also - he is blaming you for everything. For all the consequences of the situation he caused.
Yes, that is correct. The order is in place for a reason, many actually. I had no lawyer so I took what the judge said and she suggested that him and I eventually talk and off the record she said she hoped that his sobriety and anger management would benefit us as a couple. I was also informed that I may allow additional visitation etc at my disgression. I did what I know many have done, take the good, be hopeful, hang onto the good stuff and then end up in same situation that drove me to court for the OP in the first place. It is difficult, and yes he still places blame on me for his choices and his actions. I love what was said that he should be fixiated on getting better instead of fixiated on removing the order. This site has opened my eyes from all these comments and stories. I am barely 3 years with the man and he continues to say I need to stop running away and be a wife and stick by his side, yet the actions drive me far far away and he doesn't get that. Point very well taken that I am: "You are trying to explain your healthy leaps and bounds to a sick person, and it will never get it through to them until they get healthy on their own." The unhealthy cannot be reasoned with. Yes, he wants my kids back in his life to bring him back in sooner as he knows they are my world. He said those kids love me and I say maybe so but they were frightened as you punched in the stove, pounded the mailbox in with your fist, swore and degraded their mom while they were there. He just looked at me and said, I'm not a monster.

firebolt

(((HUGS))) to you.

That is scary. Of course we hang on to the good. Too tightly .

The hardest part is acceptance - for them and for us.

His actions are that of a monster.

newbeginings16

Its interesting that he states that monster part and I never did. He projected that onto himself. Thank you for the support, I'm hanging on tight but losing that grip a little more each day as I focus on my boundaries and getting me better.

dandylion

vewbeginnings......a book that is frequently recommended, here on the forum, for folks that are in your type of situation...."Why does He Do that"....

You might benefit from reading it.....

dandylion

Ariesagain

Stay away. Stay far away.

I'm sorry, but everything he says is all about getting control back and I'm going to guess that a big part of that is him wanting sex (that "real woman" line is pretty typical) and that he wants what he wants when he wants it. Now that you're not going to fall in line I very much worry about his reaction. "If you don't give me what I want I will make your life hell" makes zero sense when what he says he wants is a relationship with you. So...he's going to blackmail you into letting him back in the relationship? That's sounds so very healthy.

I would call a Domestic Violence hotline and get someone who can help you with the legal ramifications of all of this.

newbeginings16

I will pick up that book dandylion, I had written down another one and I don't know where I put the note. It's difficult dealing with this type of personality as when I get upset and feel hurt he pushes himself back in, and its seeming like a never ending cycle that I keep battling. Back and forth to court each time to enforce and it's unhealthy. As my counselor said- keep him as far back as you can so you can grieve and heal, the longer he is around the harder for you to heal.
I'm not sure why I even care or think I love this man, I'm working on massive codependency issues and I'm understanding a lot more, but I feel messed up in my head. Ariesagain this phrase is so true : "I'm sorry, but everything he says is all about getting control back and I'm going to guess that a big part of that is him wanting sex (that "real woman" line is pretty typical) and that he wants what he wants when he wants it. "
A huge part of me wishes he would relapse hard and go back to prison like years ago (way before I knew him)

hopelove123

Hi newbeginnings- reading your thread has resonated greatly with me. I am fresh to realizing my reality and am no longer accepting my AB and father of my children selfish acts and behaviors. I left my AB in a public park for him to find his own way, much like u. He got locked up being publicly drunk aftwrwards. I stopped accepting his calls on the second day and have been getting stronger & sticking to my boundaries ever since. He got out yesterday and presently, he is drunk at his friends house, who is about to put him out too. Read my thread--letting go and hopeing for love....

I say this to say, stay strong. You and the kids deserve a better life. You CAN do this. Keep posting. It truly helps. Keep going to meetings ( without him). You will get stronger. It is all very fresh for me too. I get it. I picked my AB up from jail yesterday and where is he now....getting drunk and freeloading off a friend. He is homeless and still chooses to drink above all else. Last text i got said "FU!" but i wont even respond. No point. Honestly, it hurts that he wont "just do right" but that is addiction 101. Their mind is not their own. It is consumed by the addiction.

You can DO THIS! This community is great! Hate to know so many are suffering but happy to know I have unbiased support, and happy to give it.

Stay Strong. Keep that order in place.

(((Squeezing tight hug to u)))

newbeginings16

Hopelove123,
I feel instantly better knowing there are others (you) that are going thru the same. Thank you sooooooooooooooooooooo much!
I will keep posting as it's saving me. Hugs hugs hugs

Sunshine1234

I can relate to what you are going through and my husband seems to have so many similar traits as yours. We have two children together and I couldn't take anymore of his lies so I moved out 3 months ago when our son was only a month old and our daughter 3 years old. It's been a whirlwind the last few months and he's not sitting back and being respectful of my needs. Just like your husband he wants back in and instead of working on his sobriety, he's working on trying to get me back. Every day he harasses me, texts me novels about how lonely he is and how could I do this to our family and so on. I have stood my ground and told him he needs to get help. Finally after three months of harassing me non stop he went to detox for 7 days and then outpatient rehab. Well, the rehab only lasted about a week and he's back to being his aggressive and erratic self. I was at such peace when he was in detox because I didn't have to hear from him from 7 days. What really stuck with me on this wonderful site is when someone told me "sober looks like sober". I think it's evident that these behaviors are not sober behaviors. When kids are involved it just makes this that much harder. Keep trusting your gut though...a mothers instincts are spot on and not to be messed with. Try not to think too far into the future...take one day at a time and know you are not alone.

FeelingGreat

New Beginnings, you feel scared and harassed inside, but you are handling his bullying well so far. It would be typical of an abuser to ramp up the aggression as he sees you resisting him, and I'm sure you're aware this is coming.

Can I suggest strongly that you prepare for trouble? Keep a diary of all interactions between you two. Keep it factual, like 'met a my place, told me if I was a true wife I would let him move back, set a deadline of 12 months' etc. If he makes any threats along the lines of taking you to court, demanding access to your kids etc write it down as he said it. Don't let him know you're doing this.

A diary could come in very handy later if things escalate. If he gets scary, please revisit the protection order. The DV people should be able to help you work out how to enforce it as I'm sure they've seen many of these orders in the past.
It's very important that once you have the protection order working again that you immediately report any breach, because he will probably test you and how far he can step over the line.

You've got to a point where you know you don't want to get back together, and it's time to seriously think about how you can protect yourself and the children when he realises you're not going to cave into his bullying.

53500

That is monstrous behavior and his response is to be defensive. That is frightening. Please call the DV hotline and stay farrrr away from him.

newbeginings16

Feelinggreat-
Yes!!! Scared and very harassed inside. This past weekend was hell. I had my other two kids and my baby and we were busy with the park, waterparks, pools, library programs for kids etc. He was at work and calling and texting non stop that he needed me, needed to hear I loved him and was telling me to send pictures of me and the baby. I didn't as I learned the last time I sent cute pics he looked in the backround and saw where we were and showed up there. He got defensive, said I didn't care about his feelings, said I didn't love him, said again he deserved to be back home because he was working so hard on himself. I shut my phone off and when I turned back on 4 hrs later there were 27 missed calls and 32 voice mails from him, along with long novel text messages (46 to be exact). I said I was tired of all of this and I was cutting the string for good. I said forget the waiting a year, I am setting him free now (actually setting myself free) and I am filing for a divorce. He continued to beg and plead via phone calling my cell, calling my work, emailing my work and texting that he was so sorry for the past few horrible days. Said he spoke with his sponsor and he now knows how to handle situations when he feels lonely. Now, he literally repeated himself over and over. I waited a few hrs and continued to work and then responded. I said, I am done, he is to move on as he told me he would because he is too old to wait and need a woman now (typical addict behavior). I said I am filing for divorce by the end of the week and this relationship is beyond toxic. You can only imagine how the nasty messages came in. I am trash, I am nothing, I value nothing because I wont give him another chance, he said he is gone for good, I am to throw away whatever is left at the apt of his as he wants to pretend this relationship never happened. Said he is gone for good and hates me and I can go be free and be a ***** etc... So of course this all makes me feel so great (not) but I feel at ease knowing I am done and not wasting more time on him and his toxic, damaging, abusive behavior. I started reading "Why does he do that" it is the most amazing and eye opening book I have ever read. As of this morning I obtained a lawyer probono thru the Domestic Abuse Agency to get the divorce filed here and I start Group Domestic Abuse Counsling tomorrow through the same agency. He says he is done and gone forever so do I save those messages and not show up at the designated visitation due to him saying he is gone and will never see nor contact me again or do I still have to show with the baby? This is hard but a big part of me is so relieved!

dandylion

newbeginnings....this is the most dangerous time in a relationship. It is the loss of control.....
Please take every safety precaution that you can possibly think of.
I would be very leery of meeting him.
Never, ever, be lone with him...always have other adults around.
Change and keep the doors locked at all times. same with accessable windows.
be careful going to and from your car.
Change your patterns around as much as you can.
Keep your cell phone on you at all times...and don't hesitate to use it.....
Maybe download the app from "When Georgia Smiled"...that Dr. Phil's wife helped develop......

Safety comes first.....

dandylion

Mountainmanbob

Coming from a sober drunk.
You seem to be right in your assessment.
I wonder if he can make it to a year sober ?
Probably sounds like a long time to him -- but -- it's not.

MB

firebolt

Is your visitation court ordered? Can you get on the phone with your lawyer asap to see what you can do to keep him away? If there is a standing protection order, it doesn't seem like you would have to show up at all. I am really really worried for you. He is a stalker, abusive, and terrifying.

Expanding

I agree! You need to protect yourself... this sounds really scary

newbeginings16

The visitation is part of the order of protection where we meet at the police station on an evening and he takes here for 3 hrs and drops back off. I meet with my lawyer for the first time on Friday and I am so flipping happy they are taking on my case. This site with everyone's support, my new strict counselor and this book of "Why does he do that" has literally turned my life around. I know I have to be very careful. I am looking into moving as he walks by my place on a regular basis and that worries me. I will be speaking with the lawyer and showing him the messages and asking for suggestions as far as the visitation goes. It is scary and I sleep very little at night which is hard while maintaining my management position and raising 3 kids etc. I'm trying to put my mind at ease but I am always on guard. Thank you Mountainmanbob for your insite. I was hopeful at one point as he did rehab etc but I have since learned that abuse and addiction do not always go hand in hand. He made me think that he was abusive bc of the crack cocaine when he has been abusive when he is sober and I am learning and growing. This helps as his demeaning remarks are bouncing off me as I read this book because the things he says are identical to what is written in the book. Thank you ALL for your support!!!!!!

firebolt

Like water off a ducks back - GOOD FOR YOU!

I can feel the momentum you are gathering in your posts and am so happy for the strength, growth and education you are working on - for yourself! You deserve it!

Keep up the good work...there are usually A LOT of local resources for people going through DV, but the abuse is often so veiled that we don't think we fall in 'that category.' People want to help, and many, many 'strangers' want you to be safe - because they have gone through it or witnessed someone they love go through it.