newbeginings16

My addict went through rehab on his own, has a serious sponsor, attends meeting daily, and seems to be getting his life together. We are living in separate places now and we had a great weekend last weekend and he is wanting to talk tonight and I know it's because he wants to move back in with the kids and I. I left him in beginning of Jan and it's July. I love him but am well aware of the dangers that are there and could return at any instant. When he wants something he becomes pushy and then says our marriage is at my convenience as he wants to be with me all the time. I'm scared and I told him that and he is still pushing to move back in, says we cannot have a marriage while we live apart. I have 2 other kids from a previous marriage and I don't want them to be involved in all of this yet. I love him, yet I am hesitant as the majority of our marriage consisted of him using, being abusive and all that goes along with that stuff. My counsler said-Run, he seems changed but statics prove he will go back to his old self and I said this is the first time he has acted upon getting his life together and counselor said yeah but for how long. I need to see my husbands behavior over a longer period of time, 5 months to me is nothing in the grand scheme of life. We have a baby together and I know he wants to see her daily but I'm not ready to have him move back in fully yet. How do I say that to him when he is being pushy? I was told that if he truly loves me he will wait for when I am ready. Is that true? So mixed up inside.

firebolt

What a predicament!

You can say, "I need to see a solid year of sobriety and recovery at least before I will consider living with you again. I have lived with active addiction for X amount of years, and 1 year at least is what I need."

Any pushiness after that can be answered with
"no"
"this is not up for debate"
"I am not arguing"
and then walking away.

I hope the best for you - you sound like you know EXACTLY what you want. Trust your gut, stick to your guns - all that. We got where we are because we DID NOT have firm boundaries - and we can change that. Every day is our chance to change it all.

Best.

newbeginings16

Firebolt-Thank you for all that was said and I am going to use what you said. I need a swift reminder of why I am where I am and what you stated helps me firmly establish the boundaries. He doesn't like boundaries, never has and it's a tough call but I am working on this all. THANK YOU AGAIN. ALL FEEDBACK AND SUGGESTIONS ARE WELCOME AND TAKEN.

dandylion

newbeginnings......your instincts and the knowledge that you now have about the nature of this disease are absolutely correct, in my opinion.
Your counselor is right, also.

I, especially, support your statements about the welfare of your boys!!
They are the mist vulnerable of all and depend on you to look out for their overall welfare.

It is said that if you want to know where an alcoholic is (in recovery or not)...just tell them "NO" about something...then the true colors come out.....

His attitude, I think, tells a lot.....
If he were further along in true recovery....he wouldn't be pressuring you....he would have more respect for your needs.
This is a weak point for almost every alcoholic. they are usually, me, me, me...
I want what I want...and, I want it NOW. A very immature stage of development.

One year of continued sobriety with the actual INTERNAL changes needed are the standard MINIMUM.....
It actually takes longer for authentic recovery and changes....and, it has to be worked on for the rest of a person's life.....

If you cave on the boundaries that ate the right ones for you and your children....and, it doesn' work out...guess who the l osers are going to be?

Consider this....if things don't work out....you won't be able to say that "I am a victim and he is a bad ole alcoholic..it is his fault"
You get to say: "I knew it was likely to fail, but, I softened my boundaries and went along with him anyway, to please him. I volunteered with full knowledge of the risk and consequences....so, I can't complain or blame him."

Remember about petting the snake....If you pet the snake that you know has a venomous bite...but, you pet it anyway, because it is pretty and is acting nice to you....and it bites, you anyway....you can't blame the snake....
You get the picture, I am sure...lol.....

dandylion

dandylion

newbeginnings....try some imagry......

Picture yourself as a castle ,,,,with a moat (recovery) surrounding you on all sides. A water moat with some alligators in it.
If an invader tries to swim over the moat....it is your responsibility to stop him/her/it from reaching you (your boundaries).....
It is your sole responsibility to protect the integrity of the moat....because you can't expect the invading enemy to do it.....
Their only motivation is to get in......

dandylion

FireSprite

Yeah, recovering is more than staying sober & attending meetings. My husband managed all that for 2+ years & was really just white-knuckling through because he hadn't really humbled himself to recovery completely. When push came to shove, those underlying behaviors hadn't changed, his decision-making processes hadn't changed, he kept trying to bend his recovery to fit his life instead of starting over with recovery in the focal point from the get-go.

IMO his reaction to you saying "No, not ready for this step" will be very telling about his true efforts in recovery...... more will be revealed depending on how he handles himself when he doesn't get his way. A not-so-recovering person would likely turn into King Baby in a heartbeat!

You have every right to feel the way you do & every right to protect your sanctuary - this is a boundary worth enforcing, IMO! ((((Hugs))))

newbeginings16

Dandylion- THANK YOU and hugs! I feel so humble and supported here. This adds so much perspective to my situation. When he said this morning that he wanted to discuss goals when he messaged me and I said I wanted to analyze mine more he said "huh, analyze? umm ok. Well I'm telling you my goals tonight, I was hoping you would say yours. Aggh, I love you". That tells me a lot and I do know his true behaviors will show very quickly when I say no, been that way for the last 3 yrs. God Bless and Thank you, I love the imagery!

atalose

5 months for someone who is just acting on getting their life together is no time at all.

Real recovery is not being pushy and especially to the people he’s hurt the most. Addicts want what they want when they want it = pushy and he’s still showing that trait. I’m sorry but I am on the side of your counselor, run!!! Something inside of you knows this is not good. You don’t want to expose your kids to this which is a feeling deep inside of you that knows what it knows but still is kind of holding onto hope.

I think many of us believed that our loved ones recovery was the answer, rehab was the solution and meetings were the road map to a happy ever after future. Often that is not the case at all.

Time is on your side but he’s itching to get right back to “normal – only better” or so the sales pit often goes.

More will be revealed in time, and yes, if he’s not willing to understand your feeling about that then no it’s not a good sign at all.

newbeginings16

FireSprite-
Thank you for the background with your husband. I feel better and not so alone. This is you know is a tough situation. I'm sure his true colors will be evident sooner rather than later. It's so hard to love someone like this. As it is now, I have every other weekend with him as my other 2 kiddos are with their dad. It's like living 2 split lives but until I have time under my belt and he has sobriety and a better life attitude, I cannot agree to his need to live back with kids and I. Seeing him when I don't have my other two is a lot as well as I have no time to myself. I started Al-Anon and I'm looking forward to that meeting tonight. Along with his need for this conversation it will be a challenging evening to say the least. It is true that I will be the one to blame as I know the conquences and my children will suffer due to my decision. I'm sticking to my guns, as hard as it may be but I must stay my path for my reasons that are more than obvious. Hugs to all that replied!

newbeginings16

atalose-I agree with all you said and you hit the nail on the head saying " You don’t want to expose your kids to this which is a feeling deep inside of you that knows what it knows but still is kind of holding onto hope." It's my first time hearing the phrase-normal -only better. I wish he would see the pushiness and I know that is the addict side that always jumps in. I am beyond blessed to have found this site. It has opened my eyes so wide! This is a weekend that I have my kids and do not see him. I have an OP and all kids are listed in it so I have kept them away from him since January. So I know he's pushing to move back in so he can be with us again and not be alone another weekend . I'm not in agreement. My counsler also said very firmly that hubby doesn't love me. I am a possession to him, he is immature and I just have yet another child with him around. That was a bit hard but I took it. He is pretty good even when he says stuff I do not want to hear, has lots of experience with couples therapy and addictions. My hope dwindles when he gets pushy as he gets angry and then I shut down and want to leave so I don't have to deal with his demands.

dandylion

newbeginnings.....know that you have the right to end the conversation at any time you need to. and, leave the house m, if you need to.

You also have the right to not JADE....(justify, argue, defend, explain) any of your boundaries.....if you don't want to!!!

dandylion

firebolt

I found this to be very, very true. My x had 60 something days of sobriety. Everything was wonderful - we got along famously - he was sweet, present, and kind.

Then I said NO. To 1 thing. And all hell broke loose, and I was back to being the evil 'B' who didn't respect him or his needs. LOL.

Healthy people do not respond to 'NO' by losing their $h!t.

newbeginings16

You also have the right to not JADE....(justify, argue, defend, explain) any of your boundaries.....if you don't want to!!!

dandylion[/QUOTE]

This is amazing and I'm so happy to read this!

newbeginings16

Wow, this is exactly what I have dealt with each time, so sweet, kind, seems understanding and my counselor said tell him no sometime. So I did, I forced my boundary and I told him no while in the car a month ago and he got defiant, accused me of being a cheater all bc I said he was not going with me to drop off my sons school ID card. I started screaming back that I was tired of him accusing me of things I never did and I was tired of fighting him on things I feel. It was so bad that I got him out of the car and left him in the street to find his own way home. My counslor was right -say no and see his reaction. I thinks it is important that a few on here stated the following : Sobriety and recovery. They must go hand in hand or the process is left incomplete. He can be sober but not be successful in recovery as his actions and attitudes are the same

pndm07

Hi there. I so feel for your predicament. I separated from AH 5 years ago but little by little let him back into my and our son's lives. As more sobriety time passed I became more comfortable and believed that maybe things could go back to "normal." He was active in aa with a great sponsor. After 3 plus years he relapsed and I feel back to square one. Not saying this will happen to your h - certainly hope he can find a solid footing in sobriety (hope mine will too again for the sake of his own well being) but just shows how insidious the condition is. You're totally right to keep your boundaries up and if he has any respect for you he will adhere to them. You did nothing wrong here and you deserve peace of mind for yourself and your kids. Wishing you the best

newbeginings16

This is a fear of mine and it's difficult to wrap my brain around. It's not so much the using (that is a massive problem all in itself) but the behavior that he has. When he gets what he wants he is the most kind, loving and gentleman. When I set boundaries a nightmare happens. This happened last night and although it ended ok after several hours I still feel like I do not belong with him. He can be sober but not in recovery as recovery happens in the mind and soul. Thank you so much for this post.

August252015

Couple things -
My sponsor says what dandylion wrote: if you feel like JADE-ing, it is not the truth [whatever the situation is that is upon you, or others reaction to you, etc]. Good warning bell to heed.

I am also at 5 months sober and while I do not have a spouse, I will just tell you that I am working a very hard recovery program; I am fortunate to have my parents full support in every way but I am the one who has to demonstrate over, over and over my commitment and surrender to my new way of life. I think this is critical in any dynamic, and it is the addict's responsibility to demonstrate actively, beyond question their commitment.

Protecting yourself and your children is what you know you need to do. Trust your instincts, though that is hard when we are used to not trusting them bc we have been wrong! True on both sides of the addiction equation, so to speak (ours to use, yours to [fill in the blank with codependent behavior here]).

Stay strong and best of luck.

newbeginings16

A little update from my situation last night: I went to an Al-non meeting (2nd time) and then back to my place and hubby was with me. I asked what he wanted to talk about as all day long he said he had a lot to say and tell me his goals he has. I suggested we discuss and he said no, you don't have any so forget it. I said, I have something but not really a goal. I said and I quote "I need to see sobriety and recovery for at least a year before I talk about living together again". He said f*** this, you don't love me, you never did, why did I ever marry you, how can you be so cold and unloving. I need a real wife and a real woman. I said I have learned that if you do love me then this will be understood as it is a boundary and if you continue on then my boundary is not respected. He said then you want that then I want the order of protection dropped immediately. I sais if I cannot do that then what? He said I was unbelievable, I was ripping his heart out and that I am playing him and I use him at my convenience when this man is never a convenience. I'm watching him get himself together from a distance. I see him each day I do not have my other kids, which is every other day. I work, raise the kids and spend the other time with him and our baby daughter. I was aware he would be angry for not getting his way. I said, I need to be ok and I'm not fully ok yet. He said that's BS and I'm not afraid of him and I said he is not me and doesn't feel what I feel from my end. He said I want a guarantee that I will be back home when the year is up, I wont be played and if I am not back home I will take you to court and make your life hell. So I have a lot of wonderful things to look forward to with him. I do need to state he is an addict, alcohol triggers him but drug of choice is crack. I have learned that drug is one of the hardest to deal with on. I did explain to him that just because we have been going good for 2 weeks now, that it isn't much time and that's not enough for me and he said it should be enough time that any woman who really loves their husband would be fine with it. I'm feeling overwhelmed this morning. He sent me a text saying that fine, he would wait out the year and wait out the protection order but that it was his right to see my kids soon, very soon. I said, that will come with time and he said, no, you have seen my son (his son from previous relationship) so I need to see my step-kids very soon. That is the reason I am holding back. He was always good to them but was violent and verbally abusive to me in front of them and I'm holding back. He hates boundaries and restrictions and says that I put the Protection order in place to be mean, hurtful and to make him suffer. When I said the reason is because of the actions he made by way of his own choices, so again, I say the same thing-choices we make put us where we are in our lives. This pretty snake that seems harmless at times, I want to just get rid of as it's not harmless, it's controlling and wearing a person down.

newbeginings16

August-
Thank you for posting as I love hearing from the other side of the fence so to speak. Congratulations on your 5 month of sobriety and working your recovery hard. I know it takes an army to do so via body, mind and soul.
I appreciate your response and value it. It is difficult when you love someone as that is the hopeful part but drugs aside he has a controlling, violent personality. I would constantly Jade every single thing I did and I refuse to do that again. I did say, I have a right to not have to justify and he said you are my wife and you do need to. I said no, I don't and I wont and I have to force myself out if that habit. He starting using when he was 13 and he's almost 40, so long history there. Longest time sober that he stated was 7 months and I know he is barely at the 5 month marker (8 months according to him). I felt threatened when he said he will be moving back in at the year mark otherwise he will take me to court and things will be messy.

atalose

I’m confused, if you have an Order of Protection then why are you even allowing him into the home and meeting with him? In most states that would void out the protective order and based on his reaction to your boundary of at least 1 year sober, I'd think you will need that order to remain in place.