Feeling mixed up and no one to talk to
Member
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 293
I heard also that it's hard to get sole custody, but I think you have a very good case and should be able to get that or at least supervised visitation. With his track record I think the judge will look VERY poorly on him. It's going to be a fight (or maybe not if he doesn't show up to court) but you can do this!!! Please keep us posted...we are all here for you!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 146
I just want to add, domestic abuse shelters can provide you with direction as to obtaining supervised visitations immediately. Tell them everything. Show them the text messages. They are veiled threats that will be taken seriously when obtaining and OFP for you and ALL of your children, including the baby. He is obviously not of a stable mind right now and I think any judge would grant an emergency OFP. The shelter can help you with that. Please get that help, which will give you ground to stand on in court regarding the denial of visitation, supervised or not. Please be extremely careful. Let us know what is happening with you. Stay Safe....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Location: Illinois
Posts: 140
Caretaker 88-
I have an order in place already that is valid through Feb 2017. It gives me sole custody and there are specifics on visitation including no overnights and the visitation is limited to 7 hrs every other Sat and Wed Eve from 6-9pm.
I meet with the Lawyer on Friday to file the divorce, he is from a Domestic Abuse agency so I feel better knowing that and they know all about my case and have copies of all the court documents already-pictures of my neck that he strangled, bruises and scratches on my chest and face where he tore my skin off. I am staying as safe as I can and checking in with friends and family each day. In Illinois the shelters here can provide food and shelter and sometimes help with diapers and clothes. The protection orders are the individuals responsibility and at the court houses there are free advocates to help file. I have taken advantage of all of that so far and my protection order is in place. When I messaged him on Monday saying that I was not up for working on my marriage and I was indeed filing for divorce he said as I quoted above, that he is gone and will never see the baby or I again. Now, according to the court OP he has visitation this evening and I am going to the police station with the baby in hopes that he doesn't show up and I can go home with her. I have to be there as the document says or I can be held accountable. I truly hope he was finally serious about being gone and not seeing the baby or I again. That being said he has lied over and over again in the past 3 years so why would this be any different. The concern is that in his last message Monday he said he hates me for leading him on, hates me for who I am and holds deep deep hatred for me as I quit on him. Not looking forward to later on today but trying to hold my head up high.
I have an order in place already that is valid through Feb 2017. It gives me sole custody and there are specifics on visitation including no overnights and the visitation is limited to 7 hrs every other Sat and Wed Eve from 6-9pm.
I meet with the Lawyer on Friday to file the divorce, he is from a Domestic Abuse agency so I feel better knowing that and they know all about my case and have copies of all the court documents already-pictures of my neck that he strangled, bruises and scratches on my chest and face where he tore my skin off. I am staying as safe as I can and checking in with friends and family each day. In Illinois the shelters here can provide food and shelter and sometimes help with diapers and clothes. The protection orders are the individuals responsibility and at the court houses there are free advocates to help file. I have taken advantage of all of that so far and my protection order is in place. When I messaged him on Monday saying that I was not up for working on my marriage and I was indeed filing for divorce he said as I quoted above, that he is gone and will never see the baby or I again. Now, according to the court OP he has visitation this evening and I am going to the police station with the baby in hopes that he doesn't show up and I can go home with her. I have to be there as the document says or I can be held accountable. I truly hope he was finally serious about being gone and not seeing the baby or I again. That being said he has lied over and over again in the past 3 years so why would this be any different. The concern is that in his last message Monday he said he hates me for leading him on, hates me for who I am and holds deep deep hatred for me as I quit on him. Not looking forward to later on today but trying to hold my head up high.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I encourage you to look for a phone application called Aspire. Robyn McGraw designed this free app, it's wonderful for those fearing an abusive situation, and really all women should have it on their phones.
Hugs!
Hugs!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Location: Illinois
Posts: 140
hopeful4,
Thanks honey! I am downloading it now. I only do the free apps and it seems this is one of them. I have never heard of it but I appreciate the suggestion and it's going to good use with me!
Thanks honey! I am downloading it now. I only do the free apps and it seems this is one of them. I have never heard of it but I appreciate the suggestion and it's going to good use with me!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Riverwood
Posts: 124
Originally Posted by newbeginings16 
Caretaker 88-
...pictures of my neck that he strangled, bruises and scratches on my chest and face where he tore my skin off...
...pictures of my neck that he strangled, bruises and scratches on my chest and face where he tore my skin off...
I'm scared for you and your baby!Please watch this video. It's been posted here before, but well worth watching again if you've already seen it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5gBkvWKCF0w
You are being viewed as an object to be used, controlled, or destroyed.
(((Hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
As a recovering alcoholic (24 years) I can say real change is very hard work and it takes a long time....decades, really. He must earn your trust and respect and that involves giving you the time you need. Add to that, I don't think it's fair to the children to let him back in yet. A big hug, I feel your pain.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Location: Illinois
Posts: 140
NYCDoglvr,
He became mean, pushy, very demanding and I walked away for good earlier this week. He will not allow me time nor space at all which I needed and I was hoping he would take to really focus on his recovery. It's not fair to my kids as this man sucks the life out of me and it's not worth it. I am meeting the lawyer on Friday AM to file my divorce. I am focusing on my kids and I and enjoying my baby girl for the first time really. A quote I keep on my wall is "No longer lend your strength to that which you wish to be free from". When I told him that he messaged degrading things to me and said he would never see the baby or I again except in court when I file for the divorce. My counsoler said yet again you can see the lack of maturity in him and he's almost 40. A real man in true recovery would respect what you said instead of get angry and forceful with you and he would do all he can to provide for his daughter that needs diapers, wipes, clothes and food and yet you (me) as the mother is left to hold it all together, fill in the gaps and go on in life to raise happy, smart kids. He still lacks responsibility and that probably will never change. I was told it was evident he wanted back home to manipulate again, control, demand and return to old habits just as he did the last 4 times. I am better off alone than dealing with it all as there is no respect yet it's demanded of me. I have support as long as he is out of the picture. My kids are growing strong and I am working on becoming stronger and valuing what I have. I have a small apartment, tiny little car, decent full time job, supportive friends and healthy kids. I cherish all of that and I know with him I lost all of that every single time. It's time I am free and no matter the struggle I will be ok. Thanks all that continue to reply. I go here daily.
He became mean, pushy, very demanding and I walked away for good earlier this week. He will not allow me time nor space at all which I needed and I was hoping he would take to really focus on his recovery. It's not fair to my kids as this man sucks the life out of me and it's not worth it. I am meeting the lawyer on Friday AM to file my divorce. I am focusing on my kids and I and enjoying my baby girl for the first time really. A quote I keep on my wall is "No longer lend your strength to that which you wish to be free from". When I told him that he messaged degrading things to me and said he would never see the baby or I again except in court when I file for the divorce. My counsoler said yet again you can see the lack of maturity in him and he's almost 40. A real man in true recovery would respect what you said instead of get angry and forceful with you and he would do all he can to provide for his daughter that needs diapers, wipes, clothes and food and yet you (me) as the mother is left to hold it all together, fill in the gaps and go on in life to raise happy, smart kids. He still lacks responsibility and that probably will never change. I was told it was evident he wanted back home to manipulate again, control, demand and return to old habits just as he did the last 4 times. I am better off alone than dealing with it all as there is no respect yet it's demanded of me. I have support as long as he is out of the picture. My kids are growing strong and I am working on becoming stronger and valuing what I have. I have a small apartment, tiny little car, decent full time job, supportive friends and healthy kids. I cherish all of that and I know with him I lost all of that every single time. It's time I am free and no matter the struggle I will be ok. Thanks all that continue to reply. I go here daily.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 293
A real man in true recovery would respect what you said instead of get angry and forceful with you and he would do all he can to provide for his daughter that needs diapers, wipes, clothes and food and yet you (me) as the mother is left to hold it all together, fill in the gaps and go on in life to raise happy, smart kids. He still lacks responsibility and that probably will never change.
YES YES YES! This is so true!!! Sounds like you have a great head on your shoulders and are taking all of the necessary steps to have a better life for you and your children.
YES YES YES! This is so true!!! Sounds like you have a great head on your shoulders and are taking all of the necessary steps to have a better life for you and your children.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'd really suggest you have your lawyer send him a letter saying that the communication stops now and that further contact will be treated as a violation of the order and reported to law enforcement. The continued communication is not good for you, and having it eliminates one of the major benefits of the order-- the ability to stop it at simple contact BEFORE it escalates. I'm glad you have services available to help and are taking advantage of them, but the ongoing contact compromises your safety. Don't overestimate your ability to control the situation.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Location: Illinois
Posts: 140
Sunshine1234-
Thanks for making my Thursday, a smile came to my face. I know he isn't changing and I feel confident and at peace with my decision to file the divorce. I was biding my time and walking on eggshells with him and like I said I received word that was case was being handled! After a weekend from hell from him I was feeling overwhelmed and at my end sanity wise. Then I saw that letter, called and they are filig for me immediately.
Lexiecat-
That is a very good idea. I will ask the lawyer about that as that is a clear statement that he should abide by.
**All this being said I know I have to be cautious wherever I am. I have not heard from him since Monday AM and I went to the Police Station yesterday with my daughter and I waited for 35 minutes and he did not show to pick her up. I was overjoyed to leave with my daughter and not worry about dealing with him. The police made a note on record with my DL that I was there from this time to that and the father/defendant did not show. Im not sure if I should be more concerned or not that he has gone missing/silent. I believe he wants me to miss him and beg him to make it work but I don't miss him and life is peaceful without him. A friend said he is trying to punish me by not giving me any free time to go elsewhere alone without a baby. Personally, my time is with my kids, work, counseling or meetings so it's no concern to me. My daughter and I had a nice evening and I was relaxed without him taking her. I am hopeful that he doesn't show this Sat for pick up either. He didn't show yesterday so good chance he will not show then either. Im not sure how that works but I will let the lawyer know about it tomorrow as the police said to get it altered so I don't have the stress of showing up and he isn't there or wasted time and gas driving there. I am a little concerned that he has gone silent and could be waiting to strike when the time is right. Thoughts?
Thanks for making my Thursday, a smile came to my face. I know he isn't changing and I feel confident and at peace with my decision to file the divorce. I was biding my time and walking on eggshells with him and like I said I received word that was case was being handled! After a weekend from hell from him I was feeling overwhelmed and at my end sanity wise. Then I saw that letter, called and they are filig for me immediately.
Lexiecat-
That is a very good idea. I will ask the lawyer about that as that is a clear statement that he should abide by.
**All this being said I know I have to be cautious wherever I am. I have not heard from him since Monday AM and I went to the Police Station yesterday with my daughter and I waited for 35 minutes and he did not show to pick her up. I was overjoyed to leave with my daughter and not worry about dealing with him. The police made a note on record with my DL that I was there from this time to that and the father/defendant did not show. Im not sure if I should be more concerned or not that he has gone missing/silent. I believe he wants me to miss him and beg him to make it work but I don't miss him and life is peaceful without him. A friend said he is trying to punish me by not giving me any free time to go elsewhere alone without a baby. Personally, my time is with my kids, work, counseling or meetings so it's no concern to me. My daughter and I had a nice evening and I was relaxed without him taking her. I am hopeful that he doesn't show this Sat for pick up either. He didn't show yesterday so good chance he will not show then either. Im not sure how that works but I will let the lawyer know about it tomorrow as the police said to get it altered so I don't have the stress of showing up and he isn't there or wasted time and gas driving there. I am a little concerned that he has gone silent and could be waiting to strike when the time is right. Thoughts?
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
My thought is that you are correct. You are not done hearing from him. These type of people don't just go away. I wish with all my heart they would, but they don't.
Tight hugs, stay safe. Keep working with your attorney and advocate to do all you can to keep you and your child safe!
Tight hugs, stay safe. Keep working with your attorney and advocate to do all you can to keep you and your child safe!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Location: Illinois
Posts: 140
hopeful4,
Thank you, I do wish he would diseappear but the reality is that he won't, all of us in these situations know they stay.
I'm trying to stay strong. The no contact puts me at ease but the unknown can be scary as well.
Thank you, I do wish he would diseappear but the reality is that he won't, all of us in these situations know they stay.
I'm trying to stay strong. The no contact puts me at ease but the unknown can be scary as well.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Albemarle, NC
Posts: 18
I'm in no way trained to give counseling on this sort of thing. I will tell you, though, that when I want to drink and my husband tries to stop me, I rage. If you do it in a safe way, at a distance, over the phone or something...... refuse his request....not rudely but in no uncertain terms. Tell him your counselor recommends more time..... a solid track record of commitment to sobriety. If he's truly committed to getting well then he WON'T become pushy. Not only does the addiction need to go, but also any violent or pushy behavior. His reaction could give you some idea of how he's actually doing in his recovery. Plus, when children are involved, I think the addict needs to OVER prove themselves..... you don't risk children.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Location: Illinois
Posts: 140
misty2572-
A counseler told him to his face he needed to stop pushing and allow time. I told him I needed time, he didn't listen. He said that he spoke with his sponsor and that the sponsor said he should be able to go home whenever he feels he is ready or wants to. That hit me hard as it showed he still is always about himself and his needs. A month ago he bought my kids each a little $5.00 lego set. He asked if I gave to them and how they reacted. I said they looked at it and set aside and didn't play with it. He said-ungreatful kids, they should be greatful what the hell is wrong with them. I started to explain their side as they are kids and he did damage. I knew why he got the gifts, he figured he would get them to like him from one little gift and I would want him back home. Instead his plan did not take off and he was again angry and verbally abusive. 2 days later I packed up the leggos and handed them back to him. He was even more angry. Now as I said earlier-he is a crack cocaine addict and he goes sober, starts to drink and then within days he leaves for the city to his dealer and the addiction begins again. I had family members that went sober and still are and are great in recovery. The few instances I knew of an addict on crack, they always returned to it and each time was more damaging than the last. In the beginning, he stole my lap top and sons play station and sold for crack yet lied and said that someone broke into our apartment and I knew that was a lie. There were pictures of my kids in the lap top bag and I found that envelope with the photos under the seat of the car. So he dumped those pics and sold my laptop. Since that happened I refused to buy any electronic and hid my phone nightly. So much happened that I still feel ashamed of and that I why I am done and not going back. My kids deserve better as do I. It's damn hard alone but with him is even lonlyier and unpredictable. He was classified as a sporatic user and those are the worst kind. On top of that the abuse was bad, the control was damaging and scary. Done, done, done.....Thanks for posting...
A counseler told him to his face he needed to stop pushing and allow time. I told him I needed time, he didn't listen. He said that he spoke with his sponsor and that the sponsor said he should be able to go home whenever he feels he is ready or wants to. That hit me hard as it showed he still is always about himself and his needs. A month ago he bought my kids each a little $5.00 lego set. He asked if I gave to them and how they reacted. I said they looked at it and set aside and didn't play with it. He said-ungreatful kids, they should be greatful what the hell is wrong with them. I started to explain their side as they are kids and he did damage. I knew why he got the gifts, he figured he would get them to like him from one little gift and I would want him back home. Instead his plan did not take off and he was again angry and verbally abusive. 2 days later I packed up the leggos and handed them back to him. He was even more angry. Now as I said earlier-he is a crack cocaine addict and he goes sober, starts to drink and then within days he leaves for the city to his dealer and the addiction begins again. I had family members that went sober and still are and are great in recovery. The few instances I knew of an addict on crack, they always returned to it and each time was more damaging than the last. In the beginning, he stole my lap top and sons play station and sold for crack yet lied and said that someone broke into our apartment and I knew that was a lie. There were pictures of my kids in the lap top bag and I found that envelope with the photos under the seat of the car. So he dumped those pics and sold my laptop. Since that happened I refused to buy any electronic and hid my phone nightly. So much happened that I still feel ashamed of and that I why I am done and not going back. My kids deserve better as do I. It's damn hard alone but with him is even lonlyier and unpredictable. He was classified as a sporatic user and those are the worst kind. On top of that the abuse was bad, the control was damaging and scary. Done, done, done.....Thanks for posting...
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Yeah, trying to negotiate or reason with him is a bad, bad idea. Do your talking through the legal system from now on. One of the very BEST things about having a lawyer is that you have a buffer between the two of you. There is no reason for you to communicate with him directly, with the POSSIBLE exception of an emergency involving your child.
If he contacts you again, after your lawyer has put him on notice, put your words into action and call the police to report the violation. Do it EVERY time. You haven't heard the last from him, but the order is only as effective as your willingness to report violations. Discuss it with your lawyer and your advocate.
If he contacts you again, after your lawyer has put him on notice, put your words into action and call the police to report the violation. Do it EVERY time. You haven't heard the last from him, but the order is only as effective as your willingness to report violations. Discuss it with your lawyer and your advocate.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Location: Illinois
Posts: 140
meeting with lawyer went good! Divorce papers are filed and he will be served within the next 30 days. Once I got back on the train when I left the office I received a message saying "Hope you didn't file today, I miss you my daughter. Again-hope you didn't file. there has to be a way for us to work this marriage out. I have my son today and he misses you and is asking for you. Let's spend the weekend together. Call Me ASAP!, I figured you filed, we can still work this out. I want to see you!".
I responded a few hrs later, I will drop off baby for visitation tomorrow at 10am. at Police Station. He hasn't responded but I have a feeling he will and I will report whatever is necessary to my mental and physical safety.
Thanks for checking on me!
I responded a few hrs later, I will drop off baby for visitation tomorrow at 10am. at Police Station. He hasn't responded but I have a feeling he will and I will report whatever is necessary to my mental and physical safety.
Thanks for checking on me!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Location: Illinois
Posts: 140
And yes, lawyer put in for sole custody as he said joint in this situation is not in the best interest of me the mother or the child and I have been raising the baby alone with my other 2 kids and all has been difficult but I am managing still. Restricted visitation but not supervised at this time.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
