Couple questions and a novel
Yeah I ran into that issue with the police in February. His place of residence for over 30 days, I could not legally change locks, or the alarm code without a court order.
I have that that happen too! He is leaving and everything is calm and then... BOOM.... nothing happened and he is an angel for a day, and goes nowhere. So odd that these things are so similar.
I have that that happen too! He is leaving and everything is calm and then... BOOM.... nothing happened and he is an angel for a day, and goes nowhere. So odd that these things are so similar.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
Yeah I ran into that issue with the police in February. His place of residence for over 30 days, I could not legally change locks, or the alarm code without a court order.
I have that that happen too! He is leaving and everything is calm and then... BOOM.... nothing happened and he is an angel for a day, and goes nowhere. So odd that these things are so similar.
I have that that happen too! He is leaving and everything is calm and then... BOOM.... nothing happened and he is an angel for a day, and goes nowhere. So odd that these things are so similar.
The day after my STBXAH pulled his whole "nothing happened" routine, I started looking for an apartment. I was just DONE waiting around for him to do the right thing and NOT make his wife, her daughters, and our shared son move into a small two-bedroom apartment. An apartment, by the way, where we have never been happier.
Hang in there!
Ok, since we all have common storylines can I ask about... I guess I can call them recurring statements, are these common as well? Or do we have a list of something like this?
He says....
He is only cussing me out because he is reacting to my attitude.....
He is silent because he can't talk to me because I don't care about his feelings....
I am crazy, psychotic and selfish.....
He is a good guy and has changed so much but I cannot see that...
Other women jump want him and show him that they want him.... why can't I want him like that?
I don't tell him I love him enough.... or show him for that matter....
All he wants is to be loved and for me to prove it....
Why do I talk to so and so, its disrespectful if you know I don't like it....
I tell a great story to make him sound like the bad guy....
I'm sure there are more, but are these things also common?
He says....
He is only cussing me out because he is reacting to my attitude.....
He is silent because he can't talk to me because I don't care about his feelings....
I am crazy, psychotic and selfish.....
He is a good guy and has changed so much but I cannot see that...
Other women jump want him and show him that they want him.... why can't I want him like that?
I don't tell him I love him enough.... or show him for that matter....
All he wants is to be loved and for me to prove it....
Why do I talk to so and so, its disrespectful if you know I don't like it....
I tell a great story to make him sound like the bad guy....
I'm sure there are more, but are these things also common?
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Anvil, spot on. 360 if you read my threads (and others here, too ) you'll see that my ex and your hubby have a LOT in common-way more than alcoholism....as anvil said, major issues, too many to count...a lot of what you're dealing with. If you read the Lundy book, you'll see him, everything, you differently. Please keep yourself and your kids safe-guys like this start to lose it when they lose control of you and you start standing up for yourself.
And um, regarding your list??? I heard every one of those-every stinking one. You are dealing with a classic abuser with a substance abuse problem, among many others.
And um, regarding your list??? I heard every one of those-every stinking one. You are dealing with a classic abuser with a substance abuse problem, among many others.
360.....Very, very common.......
the one on your list that really gives me the ebbie-geebies---is this one--"Why do I talk to so and so, it's disrespectful if you know I don't like it"
It is so controlling in nature. One of the first things that abusers often do is to try to isolate the victim..... friends, family, etc...
dandylion
the one on your list that really gives me the ebbie-geebies---is this one--"Why do I talk to so and so, it's disrespectful if you know I don't like it"
It is so controlling in nature. One of the first things that abusers often do is to try to isolate the victim..... friends, family, etc...
dandylion
I guess I was afraid of that, but kind of knew it too, somewhere I did anyway. Oh my gosh. To do this again is terrifying. In February I lost a good friend over this... she set a boundary with me... if I did this again (with him), we were no longer, she said she would not watch me do this to myself. I am a strong independent person in every other aspect of my life, she couldn't watch me do it again with him. Guess she knew what she was talking about. Funny how you can tell others what to do but cannot see what you are doing to yourself.
Do you feel fearful or threatened by your partner?
Have you changed your life so you won't anger him?
Do you feel like you're walking on eggshells?
Do you apologize to others for his behavior?
Do you feel sorry for him and want to rescue him, take care of him, or try to change him?
Are you compliant because you are afraid to hurt his feelings?
Are you afraid to break up with him because of what he might do to you, himself or someone else?
Below are a list of behaviors that are seen in people who are abusive. The last five signs listed are almost always seen only if the person is a batterer; if the person has several of the other behaviors (say three or more), there is a strong potential for physical violence. The more signs the person has, the more likely the person is a batterer. In some cases, a batterer may have only a couple of behaviors that the woman can recognize, but they are very exaggerated (e.g., extreme jealousy over ridiculous things.) Initially, the batterer will try to explain his/her behavior as signs of love and concern, and a woman may be flattered at first. As time goes on, the behaviors become more severe and serve to dominate the woman. These signs may also be present in women's lesbian relationships.
1. Boundaries. Violates your personal space. Intimidates you by getting too close. Touches, pinches grabs you against your will.
2. Quick Involvement. Sweeps you off you feet. Love at first sight. ?You're the only one for me.? Desperately pressures you for a commitment so you are engaged or living together in less than 6 months.
3. Controlling Behavior. Controls where you go, what you do, with whom and for how long. Controls money and money decisions; won't allow you to share expenses or refuses to work and won't share expenses. Protective to the point of controlling. Says he is angry when you are ?late? because he ?cares?. Takes your car keys; won't let you go to church, work, or school.
4. Jealousy. Angry about your relationship with other men, women, even children and family. This insecurity and possessiveness causes him to accuse you of flirting or having affairs, to call frequently or drop by to check up on you; even check your car mileage or have you followed.
5. Abusive Family of Origin . Was physically, sexually or emotionally abused as a child or witnessed spouse abuse. He sees violence as normal behavior, a natural part of family life.
6. Low Self-Esteem. Guards his fragile sense of self by aacting tough and macho. Imagines you threaten hi manhood. Damages your self-esteem, demeans your growth, demands your silence.
7. Alcohol/Drug Abuse. Abuses alcohol/drugs; tries to get you drunk; berates you if you won't get high. He may deny his drug problem and refuse to get help. Don't think you can change him or that alcohol/drug abuse causes violent behavior. They are two separate problems.
8. Difficulty Expressing Emotions . Unable to identify feelings and express them directly and appropriately. He may say he's ?hurt? and sulk when he is really angry. He displaces anger at his boss or himself onto you.
9. Blames Others for His Feelings or Problems . Believes others are out to get him and he's the victim. Blames you for everything that goes wrong. Will say ?You make me mad,? ?You make me happy,? ?I can't help getting angry? to manipulate you. Holds you responsible for his suicidal or self-abusive behavior.
10. Hypersensitivity . Quick temper; unable to handle frustration without getting angry; easily insulted. Will ?rant and rave? about minor things like traffic tickets or requests to do chores.
11. Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde . Seem like two different people with mood swings from nice to explisove. May change his behavior around the guys. May be very sociable around others and only abusive with you.
12. Unrealistic Expectations. Very dependent on you for all his physical and emotional needs (? You are all I need.?) Expects you to live up to his ideals of a perfect partner, mother, lover, friend.
13. Rigid Sex Roles . Expects a woman to stay at home, serve and obey him. Gets angry if you don't fulfill his wishes and anticipate his needs. Speaks for you. He thinks it's OK for men to keep women ?in line? by force or intimidation-?the Ralph Cramden Syndrome.?
14. Rigid Religious Beliefs. Justifies rigid sex roles and the physical/emotional/sexual domination of women and children with strict or distorted interpretations of scripture.
15. Disrespect for Women in General . Ridicules and insults women; sees women as stupid and inferior to men; tells sexist jokes (?dumb bronde,? ?PMS?jokes); refers to women in derogatory or non-human terms (?babe?, ?chick,? ?fox,? ?bitch?) or as specific parts of anatomy; de-values women's accomplishments and work, acts like women are second-class citizens.
16. Emotional Abuse. He may ignore your feelings, continually criticize you and call you names like ?fay, ugly, stupid? curse and yell at you, belittle your accomplishments, manipulate you with lies, contradictions, and crazy-making tactics, humiliate you in private or public, regularly threaten to leave or tell you to leave, keep you awake you up to argue or verbally abuse you.
17. Isolation. An acquaintance rapist will try to separate you from others to a secluded spot. Batterer will try to keep you from working or attending school, move you to a rural area, restrict your use of the phone or car. He'll try to cut you off from the men, women, family and children by saying ?You're a *****,? ?You're a lesbian,? ?You're tied to your parent's apron strings? or ?You're spoiling the kids.?
18. Reliance or Pornography. Rapists, child molesters and men who sexually abuse or rape their wives often have an abundance of pornographic literature, photorgraphs, magazines or videos. They may want to involve you in their interests by photographing you or taking you to pornographic movies or shops.
19. Sexual Abuse. Refuses platonic relationships if dating; uses ?playful? force sex; use sulking or anger to manipulate you into having sex; coerces or forces you to have sex or hurts your during sex; demands sex when you are scared, ill, tired or starts having sex when you are asleep, drunk, or unable to give consent.
20. Cruelty to Animals, Children or Others. Teases, bullies, abuses or harshly punishes animals, children, elderly, weaker people or other women. Is insensitive to other's pain. Tortures or kills pets to feel powerful or hurt you. Threatens to kidnap the children if you leave. Punishes or deprives the children when angry at you. Punishes the children for behavior they're incapable of (whipping a 2 year-old for wet diapers). (Sixty percent of men who beat their partners also beat their children.)
21. Past Violence. ANY history of violence with anyone to ?solve? problems. Justifies hitting or abusing women in the past, but ?they made me do it.? Friends, relatives or ex- partners say he's abusive. (Batterers beat any women they're with. You didn't cause it and you can't control it or cure it.)
22. Fascination with Weapons. Plays with guns, knives, or other lethal weapons, threatening to ?get even? with you or others.
23. Threats of Violence. Any threats of physical force to control you or make you do something should be taken seriously. He may threaten to hurt you or your family. Non-batterers do not say things like ?I'll kill you? or ?I'll break your neck.?
24. Breaking or Striking Objects. Punishes you by breaking loved objects, terrorizes you into submission. (If he doesn't want you to be a student, he may destroy schoolbooks or break lamps.) Non-batterers do not beat on tables, punch holes in walls, destroy furniture, and throw objects at you to threaten you. The message is ?You're next! You're just an object I can control and I can break you like our china.?
25. Any Force During an Argument. Hurts you in anger or in ?play?, pushing, shoving, pulling, grabbing you by the collar, holding you down, restraining you from leaving the room, slapping, punching, hitting, kicking, or burning. This cycle of violence is followed by a ?honeymoon? period, then an escalation of tension and more violence. The episodes of violence will get more frequent, more intense, and will not stop on their own.
Have you changed your life so you won't anger him?
Do you feel like you're walking on eggshells?
Do you apologize to others for his behavior?
Do you feel sorry for him and want to rescue him, take care of him, or try to change him?
Are you compliant because you are afraid to hurt his feelings?
Are you afraid to break up with him because of what he might do to you, himself or someone else?
Below are a list of behaviors that are seen in people who are abusive. The last five signs listed are almost always seen only if the person is a batterer; if the person has several of the other behaviors (say three or more), there is a strong potential for physical violence. The more signs the person has, the more likely the person is a batterer. In some cases, a batterer may have only a couple of behaviors that the woman can recognize, but they are very exaggerated (e.g., extreme jealousy over ridiculous things.) Initially, the batterer will try to explain his/her behavior as signs of love and concern, and a woman may be flattered at first. As time goes on, the behaviors become more severe and serve to dominate the woman. These signs may also be present in women's lesbian relationships.
1. Boundaries. Violates your personal space. Intimidates you by getting too close. Touches, pinches grabs you against your will.
2. Quick Involvement. Sweeps you off you feet. Love at first sight. ?You're the only one for me.? Desperately pressures you for a commitment so you are engaged or living together in less than 6 months.
3. Controlling Behavior. Controls where you go, what you do, with whom and for how long. Controls money and money decisions; won't allow you to share expenses or refuses to work and won't share expenses. Protective to the point of controlling. Says he is angry when you are ?late? because he ?cares?. Takes your car keys; won't let you go to church, work, or school.
4. Jealousy. Angry about your relationship with other men, women, even children and family. This insecurity and possessiveness causes him to accuse you of flirting or having affairs, to call frequently or drop by to check up on you; even check your car mileage or have you followed.
5. Abusive Family of Origin . Was physically, sexually or emotionally abused as a child or witnessed spouse abuse. He sees violence as normal behavior, a natural part of family life.
6. Low Self-Esteem. Guards his fragile sense of self by aacting tough and macho. Imagines you threaten hi manhood. Damages your self-esteem, demeans your growth, demands your silence.
7. Alcohol/Drug Abuse. Abuses alcohol/drugs; tries to get you drunk; berates you if you won't get high. He may deny his drug problem and refuse to get help. Don't think you can change him or that alcohol/drug abuse causes violent behavior. They are two separate problems.
8. Difficulty Expressing Emotions . Unable to identify feelings and express them directly and appropriately. He may say he's ?hurt? and sulk when he is really angry. He displaces anger at his boss or himself onto you.
9. Blames Others for His Feelings or Problems . Believes others are out to get him and he's the victim. Blames you for everything that goes wrong. Will say ?You make me mad,? ?You make me happy,? ?I can't help getting angry? to manipulate you. Holds you responsible for his suicidal or self-abusive behavior.
10. Hypersensitivity . Quick temper; unable to handle frustration without getting angry; easily insulted. Will ?rant and rave? about minor things like traffic tickets or requests to do chores.
11. Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde . Seem like two different people with mood swings from nice to explisove. May change his behavior around the guys. May be very sociable around others and only abusive with you.
12. Unrealistic Expectations. Very dependent on you for all his physical and emotional needs (? You are all I need.?) Expects you to live up to his ideals of a perfect partner, mother, lover, friend.
13. Rigid Sex Roles . Expects a woman to stay at home, serve and obey him. Gets angry if you don't fulfill his wishes and anticipate his needs. Speaks for you. He thinks it's OK for men to keep women ?in line? by force or intimidation-?the Ralph Cramden Syndrome.?
14. Rigid Religious Beliefs. Justifies rigid sex roles and the physical/emotional/sexual domination of women and children with strict or distorted interpretations of scripture.
15. Disrespect for Women in General . Ridicules and insults women; sees women as stupid and inferior to men; tells sexist jokes (?dumb bronde,? ?PMS?jokes); refers to women in derogatory or non-human terms (?babe?, ?chick,? ?fox,? ?bitch?) or as specific parts of anatomy; de-values women's accomplishments and work, acts like women are second-class citizens.
16. Emotional Abuse. He may ignore your feelings, continually criticize you and call you names like ?fay, ugly, stupid? curse and yell at you, belittle your accomplishments, manipulate you with lies, contradictions, and crazy-making tactics, humiliate you in private or public, regularly threaten to leave or tell you to leave, keep you awake you up to argue or verbally abuse you.
17. Isolation. An acquaintance rapist will try to separate you from others to a secluded spot. Batterer will try to keep you from working or attending school, move you to a rural area, restrict your use of the phone or car. He'll try to cut you off from the men, women, family and children by saying ?You're a *****,? ?You're a lesbian,? ?You're tied to your parent's apron strings? or ?You're spoiling the kids.?
18. Reliance or Pornography. Rapists, child molesters and men who sexually abuse or rape their wives often have an abundance of pornographic literature, photorgraphs, magazines or videos. They may want to involve you in their interests by photographing you or taking you to pornographic movies or shops.
19. Sexual Abuse. Refuses platonic relationships if dating; uses ?playful? force sex; use sulking or anger to manipulate you into having sex; coerces or forces you to have sex or hurts your during sex; demands sex when you are scared, ill, tired or starts having sex when you are asleep, drunk, or unable to give consent.
20. Cruelty to Animals, Children or Others. Teases, bullies, abuses or harshly punishes animals, children, elderly, weaker people or other women. Is insensitive to other's pain. Tortures or kills pets to feel powerful or hurt you. Threatens to kidnap the children if you leave. Punishes or deprives the children when angry at you. Punishes the children for behavior they're incapable of (whipping a 2 year-old for wet diapers). (Sixty percent of men who beat their partners also beat their children.)
21. Past Violence. ANY history of violence with anyone to ?solve? problems. Justifies hitting or abusing women in the past, but ?they made me do it.? Friends, relatives or ex- partners say he's abusive. (Batterers beat any women they're with. You didn't cause it and you can't control it or cure it.)
22. Fascination with Weapons. Plays with guns, knives, or other lethal weapons, threatening to ?get even? with you or others.
23. Threats of Violence. Any threats of physical force to control you or make you do something should be taken seriously. He may threaten to hurt you or your family. Non-batterers do not say things like ?I'll kill you? or ?I'll break your neck.?
24. Breaking or Striking Objects. Punishes you by breaking loved objects, terrorizes you into submission. (If he doesn't want you to be a student, he may destroy schoolbooks or break lamps.) Non-batterers do not beat on tables, punch holes in walls, destroy furniture, and throw objects at you to threaten you. The message is ?You're next! You're just an object I can control and I can break you like our china.?
25. Any Force During an Argument. Hurts you in anger or in ?play?, pushing, shoving, pulling, grabbing you by the collar, holding you down, restraining you from leaving the room, slapping, punching, hitting, kicking, or burning. This cycle of violence is followed by a ?honeymoon? period, then an escalation of tension and more violence. The episodes of violence will get more frequent, more intense, and will not stop on their own.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
360, if you need a little levity, check out the Quackers thread. You will see that yes, we ALL have heard virtually EVERY SINGLE bit of ridiculousness that you've heard from your AH. The thread is generally geared toward some much-needed laughter, but the theme is definitely there--same script, different alcoholic.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-part-3-a.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-part-3-a.html
Good morning.
So things could have gone two ways. But they went the way I expected. He said he doesn't have a problem. He's proven that by quitting for this long. He's a grown ass man. He can drink or smoke if he wants. All I want to do is control him. It's about control and it's all I want. I've proven to him that no matter what he does, he's never going to make me happy. I'm just an f'in b. He hasn't broke or punched or kicked anything. He's changed so much and I just can't see it. The anger and resentment toward me are my fault, for controlling him, I'm causing him to want to rebel.
Silent treatment is also just a reaction to me.
That's the summary. I didn't sleep well. Sad sad this morning, but it'll be okay. Just trying not to feel guilty about it. That's typical cycle. You guys are awesome. Thank you!
So things could have gone two ways. But they went the way I expected. He said he doesn't have a problem. He's proven that by quitting for this long. He's a grown ass man. He can drink or smoke if he wants. All I want to do is control him. It's about control and it's all I want. I've proven to him that no matter what he does, he's never going to make me happy. I'm just an f'in b. He hasn't broke or punched or kicked anything. He's changed so much and I just can't see it. The anger and resentment toward me are my fault, for controlling him, I'm causing him to want to rebel.
Silent treatment is also just a reaction to me.
That's the summary. I didn't sleep well. Sad sad this morning, but it'll be okay. Just trying not to feel guilty about it. That's typical cycle. You guys are awesome. Thank you!
Well, let's give him a gold star for not being violent! Geesh! (Although, his words are still very abusive!)
I have heard many of the same things over and over again. My ex has a pro at deflecting, projecting and gaslighting but aren't most of them?
I finally allowed the "grown man" to become independent....free my "controlling" ways and boy was he stunned by that! That's not what he really wanted, he just wanted me to break me. Very loving, ugh!
I, too, felt guilty! I look back now, with clarity and think.....guilty for what?? I also confused love with pity. A very unhealthy way to think in a relationship.
Through counseling, I realized he had beaten me down so much that I couldn't think clearly any more! It took time for me to learn to love myself again to say ENOUGH!! And when I did, I had no regrets!!
I have heard many of the same things over and over again. My ex has a pro at deflecting, projecting and gaslighting but aren't most of them?
I finally allowed the "grown man" to become independent....free my "controlling" ways and boy was he stunned by that! That's not what he really wanted, he just wanted me to break me. Very loving, ugh!
I, too, felt guilty! I look back now, with clarity and think.....guilty for what?? I also confused love with pity. A very unhealthy way to think in a relationship.
Through counseling, I realized he had beaten me down so much that I couldn't think clearly any more! It took time for me to learn to love myself again to say ENOUGH!! And when I did, I had no regrets!!
360....You have nothing to feel guilty for!!
This is standard...."blame the victim"....and deflecting responsibility so that he doesn't have to feel guilty and so that the spotlight off of him....and,on to you...
Victims, and, Co-dependents, for that matter tend to feel guilt when there is no reason t do so......
for now...trust us!!....when we say that you have no reason to feel guilty, here.....
dandylion
This is standard...."blame the victim"....and deflecting responsibility so that he doesn't have to feel guilty and so that the spotlight off of him....and,on to you...
Victims, and, Co-dependents, for that matter tend to feel guilt when there is no reason t do so......
for now...trust us!!....when we say that you have no reason to feel guilty, here.....
dandylion
I always relate it to a labyrinth.... you're lost when you are inside of the maze but can solve it easily if you are hovering above it, observing in the 3rd person. That is really, really hard to do when we spend a lot of our time managing our qualifiers' addictions, running from crisis to crisis.
I'm sorry you had a rough night. I remember full well how those emotional hangovers the next day were worse than any chemically-induced ones I'd ever suffered. You have nothing to feel guilty for, he's the one clinging to his denial like a lifejacket, so sad.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
He's an ass. Simple as that. Word for word my ex said the same thing....someone recommended reading the Quackers thread....you'll see the same excuses are used over and over. I think all of us have been called controlling, the problem, woe is me I'll never make you happy, etc, etc.
Funny he called himself a grown man-he is not a man by any definition of the word. Whst a joke.
YOU have nothing to feel guilty about-you are keeping yourself and your children safe. Rock on, momma.
Btw, just be forewarned that these types don't go away easily-be ready for the inevitable bait he is going to throw out there to engage with you. Don't bite.
Funny he called himself a grown man-he is not a man by any definition of the word. Whst a joke.
YOU have nothing to feel guilty about-you are keeping yourself and your children safe. Rock on, momma.
Btw, just be forewarned that these types don't go away easily-be ready for the inevitable bait he is going to throw out there to engage with you. Don't bite.
He's an ass. Simple as that. Word for word my ex said the same thing....someone recommended reading the Quackers thread....you'll see the same excuses are used over and over. I think all of us have been called controlling, the problem, woe is me I'll never make you happy, etc, etc.
Funny he called himself a grown man-he is not a man by any definition of the word. Whst a joke.
YOU have nothing to feel guilty about-you are keeping yourself and your children safe. Rock on, momma.
Btw, just be forewarned that these types don't go away easily-be ready for the inevitable bait he is going to throw out there to engage with you. Don't bite.
Funny he called himself a grown man-he is not a man by any definition of the word. Whst a joke.
YOU have nothing to feel guilty about-you are keeping yourself and your children safe. Rock on, momma.
Btw, just be forewarned that these types don't go away easily-be ready for the inevitable bait he is going to throw out there to engage with you. Don't bite.
"I want to go to counseling.... will you be willing to do so as well.... We owe it to our family and ourselves. I don't want to leave. " That's the main portion anyway.
360......Soo predictable!!
They know just which buttons to push! and, push them, they will.....
You have ALREADY paid more "than you owe".
You owe it to yourself and your family to take care of yourself as the first priority......
Dude is a day late and a dollar short......too bad for him.....
Don't start second guessing yourself.....don't bite!!
dandylion
They know just which buttons to push! and, push them, they will.....
You have ALREADY paid more "than you owe".
You owe it to yourself and your family to take care of yourself as the first priority......
Dude is a day late and a dollar short......too bad for him.....
Don't start second guessing yourself.....don't bite!!
dandylion
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