bluelily

I was thinking the same thing - emotions lull us into doing things that are not good for us. And just today I was wondering what it would be like if I saw xabf again: I´d be angry and disgusted after all his emotional abuse, I´d probably tell him to get lost... and then I´d feel so intensely attracted to him that I´d end up sleeping with him, not caring about the consequences. That is how it went when we were together. That is what emotions will do, but we can choose to use our brains - what is best for us in the long run - instead.
Even if our emotions tell us otherwise.
I suspect you haven´t made a conscious decision to follow the path of rationality yet.
Once you do, it is quite simple: you just move on with your life and don´t entertain any thought about having a relationship with him.
I admit this isn´t as easy as it sounds, it takes a lot of discipline to go through the motions in the beginning. But I suppose it´s the same as what alcoholics in recovery need to do.

HopingForCure

Update: I went to my first Al-anon meeting. I met people I could relate to. Made me feel like I am not alone. That this is not my fault. I am staying positive. Telling myself, I do not have to make any life decisions today. All I need to do is, take care of myself. I am taking care of myself, one day at a time. Sending virtual hugs to every one out there struggling to remove themselves from their Addicts' lives. You are not doing this because you dont love them. So please dont feel guilty. xoxo. Thank you to all the amazing people at SR for constantly supporting me. Thank you!

Ladybird579

No. I did but had no idea he was until after the wedding. I'd never have willingly put myself and our children through the 18 years plus of misery we ended up with. Don't go there.

Mountainmanbob

When I met my wife I was sober (she wouldn't be my wife today if otherwise) She did get the chance (poor soul) to see me after a couple of years of sober marriage to witness me in relapse mode. I told her when I first started drinking again that, "all would be fine. That proved to be a lie and in short time spent with my running with the liquid devil she told me that, "it was either the bottle or her."

Thank God I had, had enough already and was ready to crawl myself back into the rooms of AA and church.

I'm sure that if asked of my wife today, "would you marry a still drinking alcoholic?" Her answer would be, "heck no, I'm not insane."

A nice sober day wished for all,
Bob

Expanding

Knowing what I know now... no.

MsGrace

my answer to your question matters far less than the question for you: what are YOU getting from this relationship outside of worry, and stress? That is the real question to dig into. What you have is what you'll get. Is that what you want?

hopeful4

Knowing what I know now....hell to the double NO!!!!

That sounds mean, but addiction is something I will not allow in my life again, ever. It took me and my family down a road to ruin that sometimes I wonder if we will ever recover from.

The reality is, addicts can relapse years later. I just read on here that someone relapsed after 20 years. I cannot imagine, and cannot ever deal with such a thing in my life again.

Hugs to all, it's not an easy decision. However, if you cut through all the words, look at actions, and ask yourself what you would tell your own child to do in a situation, all of a sudden it gets a lot more clear, or at least it does for myself.

Nata1980

Not mean. Same here. I have married (with much hesitation) a recovering alcoholic - before I ever seen him in relapse mode. His family almost immediately worshiped the ground I walked on - should have been a red flag. Although his 4 relapses over the last 6 years of marriage lasted between 3-4 months tops (as he pointed out in yet another minimizing rant yesterday) - it was plenty for me. I would never ever change the fact that I have a son - but looking back, there were red flags all over, and I was already pregnant when I married him. I was young and stupid. I would have never married anyone like that now.

suncatcher

Hi Hoping, I want to thank you for your thread as I needed to read it. I also have compared alcoholism to cancer in my threads . I know how you feel about abandoning your fiance but you owe it to yourself to think long and hard before you commit to a lifetime of this. I'm not married to my alcoholic but I share many of your concerns. My answer to your question would I marry an alcoholic? No. I wish you all the best whatever you decide.