Process of self inspection, acceptance, and change
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 844
Process of self inspection, acceptance, and change
I come through and read here sometimes but have not shared in a very long time. I had been thinking of deleting my account due to non use, but have also been weighing that and asking why I feel uncomfortable posting.
I think its because its always been hard for me to open up and expose myself to people. the parts inside where I am confused, or feel inferior? hard for me to address the mistakes Ive made, or be open to discussing with others my feelings, and things I need to work on. I havent always been open to others insights especially if it felt negative. Being vulnerable is scary for me.
I have been working on all this in therapy for a while now. Im in a much better place but still broken and weak in many areas. Im learning to be kind to myself and to accept the choices Ive made. To understand what they have been born from, and most importantly Im learning that I can change things about myself by doing deep self inspection, and simply giving myself permission to feel, grow and explore new paths.
Its a little belated, but I wish everyone a happy and hopeful New Year.
I think its because its always been hard for me to open up and expose myself to people. the parts inside where I am confused, or feel inferior? hard for me to address the mistakes Ive made, or be open to discussing with others my feelings, and things I need to work on. I havent always been open to others insights especially if it felt negative. Being vulnerable is scary for me.
I have been working on all this in therapy for a while now. Im in a much better place but still broken and weak in many areas. Im learning to be kind to myself and to accept the choices Ive made. To understand what they have been born from, and most importantly Im learning that I can change things about myself by doing deep self inspection, and simply giving myself permission to feel, grow and explore new paths.
Its a little belated, but I wish everyone a happy and hopeful New Year.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Glad to hear from you!
Trust me, we've all done things we wish we hadn't, or that in retrospect weren't the best we could have done for ourselves. We all had to go through a learning process--learning to trust ourselves and to open our minds to alternatives we didn't really know we had.
Accepting ourselves, and our choices, is important. So is recognizing that history isn't destiny and we can continue to reinvent ourselves.
Hugs, glad you checked in!
Trust me, we've all done things we wish we hadn't, or that in retrospect weren't the best we could have done for ourselves. We all had to go through a learning process--learning to trust ourselves and to open our minds to alternatives we didn't really know we had.
Accepting ourselves, and our choices, is important. So is recognizing that history isn't destiny and we can continue to reinvent ourselves.
Hugs, glad you checked in!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
A,
Welcome back, glad you posted.
So obviously your therapy that you have been dong is working. You had the courage to open up on your "short comings". If I was to tell everyone the absolutely crazy things that I have done, I don't think I could post again, I would change my name. What I have learned from this site, is that I truly did the best I could at the time. I have accepted myself as not perfect. I truly was not in a right frame of mind when I was doing the crazy thing. I have learned from my mistakes. I did not like that person and work every day to be a kinder human being.
I think you are pretty tough on yourself. I think self forgiveness is something that you need to do. Even if you don't post, stick around my friend. Every time I come here, I see something that hits home, learn something or just know that life is good and I am blessed to be where I am today.
Hugs my friend, it takes time to heal deep wounds.
Welcome back, glad you posted.
So obviously your therapy that you have been dong is working. You had the courage to open up on your "short comings". If I was to tell everyone the absolutely crazy things that I have done, I don't think I could post again, I would change my name. What I have learned from this site, is that I truly did the best I could at the time. I have accepted myself as not perfect. I truly was not in a right frame of mind when I was doing the crazy thing. I have learned from my mistakes. I did not like that person and work every day to be a kinder human being.
I think you are pretty tough on yourself. I think self forgiveness is something that you need to do. Even if you don't post, stick around my friend. Every time I come here, I see something that hits home, learn something or just know that life is good and I am blessed to be where I am today.
Hugs my friend, it takes time to heal deep wounds.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by aliciagr 
I have been working on all this in therapy for a while now. Im in a much better place but still broken and weak in many areas. Im learning to be kind to myself and to accept the choices Ive made. To understand what they have been born from, and most importantly Im learning that I can change things about myself by doing deep self inspection, and simply giving myself permission to feel, grow and explore new paths.
Thank you so much for being brave enough to post this update - you are SO right when you say that vulnerability is hard. It felt almost impossible to me in early recovery. (If you search out Brene Brown's TED talk on the Power of Vulnerability, you might get a lot out of it. It's very well-circulated online & can be found on TED & youtube.)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 844
Thank you for your supportive replies. I know I didnt post on here for very long so not many people probably remember me. I have been thinking a lot lately and I dont know maybe I will post a little more and have a place to voice myself relatively in private.
I am doing much better emotionally and have put in a lot of work to straighten myself out. My husband who I know most were fairly negative about in the past (understandably due to his behaviors in the past) for now he is doing great and continues with therapy maybe once a month.
All charges were dropped against him. He had to go before the judge regarding his case and even though he was supposed to have about 6 more months of unsupervised probation-the judge reviewed his case, saw his report from the therapist detailing his sessions and was very pleased. He dismissed the charges completely. He questioned him about dropping out of the rehab situation but explained it wasnt the right fit for him BUT he worked to find what was and felt he had made good progress.
All done and over and we are grateful.
(Its been a few months and he has been fine and it doesnt seem that his changes are dependent on those pressures. But I know its all serious business. He has not quit alcohol and drinks now and then but it looks "normal" to me and we have discussed the issue in counseling to the point where I feel ok about it).
Im fearing a few of the comments I may receive but here goes... we are now expecting our first child. No it wasnt planned and I would have waited a bit longer as we are continuing to work on our marriage in counseling also.
I could use prayers that myself and my husband will continue to heal and be good and loving parents. I could use a few supportive friends right about now, and who knows maybe I can also give back and share some from what Ive been through.
Thank You for the support
I am doing much better emotionally and have put in a lot of work to straighten myself out. My husband who I know most were fairly negative about in the past (understandably due to his behaviors in the past) for now he is doing great and continues with therapy maybe once a month.
All charges were dropped against him. He had to go before the judge regarding his case and even though he was supposed to have about 6 more months of unsupervised probation-the judge reviewed his case, saw his report from the therapist detailing his sessions and was very pleased. He dismissed the charges completely. He questioned him about dropping out of the rehab situation but explained it wasnt the right fit for him BUT he worked to find what was and felt he had made good progress.
All done and over and we are grateful.
(Its been a few months and he has been fine and it doesnt seem that his changes are dependent on those pressures. But I know its all serious business. He has not quit alcohol and drinks now and then but it looks "normal" to me and we have discussed the issue in counseling to the point where I feel ok about it).
Im fearing a few of the comments I may receive but here goes... we are now expecting our first child. No it wasnt planned and I would have waited a bit longer as we are continuing to work on our marriage in counseling also.
I could use prayers that myself and my husband will continue to heal and be good and loving parents. I could use a few supportive friends right about now, and who knows maybe I can also give back and share some from what Ive been through.
Thank You for the support
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: MD
Posts: 658
Nobody knows the future...
Theres an AA member I have worked with who began oblivion drinking at 14 to feel better, she started going off the rails in her late 20's- married & nearly ready to run off with a guy at work but had a blow-out bender one night and passed out cold in the hallway at home having consumed a bottle of scotch in one evening. Her husband found her, called the ambulance and she woke up in ER with all the tubes. She stayed married, started going to AA for a while but tapered off as once they started having kids and did not attend for 10+ years. So who can tell? The hallway event was enough to scare her into action and it worked. Now, the kids are getting old enough to leave the house and she decided to go back into AA a bit. We talk 12-step shop pretty often, she's been clean & dry for 20+ years and I don't get a dry drunk vibe. I've seen her family on a few occasions and it seems to resemble her story.
In fact, she saved my a$$ when I was a newb fresh into Alanon- I didn't have a sponsor and no idea whatever about steps etc- she took me carefully thru the first bit of what I view now as "emergency 4th/5th step" work- very intimate stuff but she had enough program to conduct it reasonably. Once the madness started clearing I got into a more orthodox Alanon situation, so she and I stay on safer ground nowadays. Now, I save my messy program stuff for my male sponsor...
Theres an AA member I have worked with who began oblivion drinking at 14 to feel better, she started going off the rails in her late 20's- married & nearly ready to run off with a guy at work but had a blow-out bender one night and passed out cold in the hallway at home having consumed a bottle of scotch in one evening. Her husband found her, called the ambulance and she woke up in ER with all the tubes. She stayed married, started going to AA for a while but tapered off as once they started having kids and did not attend for 10+ years. So who can tell? The hallway event was enough to scare her into action and it worked. Now, the kids are getting old enough to leave the house and she decided to go back into AA a bit. We talk 12-step shop pretty often, she's been clean & dry for 20+ years and I don't get a dry drunk vibe. I've seen her family on a few occasions and it seems to resemble her story.
In fact, she saved my a$$ when I was a newb fresh into Alanon- I didn't have a sponsor and no idea whatever about steps etc- she took me carefully thru the first bit of what I view now as "emergency 4th/5th step" work- very intimate stuff but she had enough program to conduct it reasonably. Once the madness started clearing I got into a more orthodox Alanon situation, so she and I stay on safer ground nowadays. Now, I save my messy program stuff for my male sponsor...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Thanks for checking in, and I'm glad things are better!! Hang in there, keep posting, and please know you have this place if and when you need it. You might get some comments here that are hard to take from time to time. They are without judgement - we've ALL been there. Prayers for peace, healing and health for you both and your baby!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hello, it's good to hear from you.
It sounds like you are both taking all the positive steps you can, and that's all one can expect of themselves. Babies are a blessing from God, congratulations!
We are always here for you, GOOD and bad!
It sounds like you are both taking all the positive steps you can, and that's all one can expect of themselves. Babies are a blessing from God, congratulations!
We are always here for you, GOOD and bad!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
I can certainly relate. I'm my harshest critic too and getting to the place of self-acceptance that I'm simply human and prone to mistakes took a lot of work. Bravo for you for having the courage to confront the hard stuff! Alanon helped lead to acceptance because there I heard others share the same hurdles I faced.
A big hug!
A big hug!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 844
Thanks. right now I think I feel happy because Ive learned a lot about myself during this process. I made mistakes in how I handle things, and responded to things but in some ways I was being to hard on myself. Its all a process and Im on the other end feeling much better now.. Even if my husband has more issues I know I will be better prepared to handle it, ands I hope Im a better parent having gained some wisdom. life of hard knocks.
I have been reading here and posting replies to some, but now Im wondering if its healthy for me? To share you have to pull from your experiences and revisit memories. We have been trying to move past it all and forward to new things. I see the benefit that sharing can give to others because there will always be someone who is just entering this arena of drugs and alcohol in their family. It helps them to see lots of perspectives, but maybe Im not noble enough to be the one to stay in the muck and lend a hand? I want to move on and be in the sun, but remain aware of the past and wise to the future. anyone experience these feelings?
I have been reading here and posting replies to some, but now Im wondering if its healthy for me? To share you have to pull from your experiences and revisit memories. We have been trying to move past it all and forward to new things. I see the benefit that sharing can give to others because there will always be someone who is just entering this arena of drugs and alcohol in their family. It helps them to see lots of perspectives, but maybe Im not noble enough to be the one to stay in the muck and lend a hand? I want to move on and be in the sun, but remain aware of the past and wise to the future. anyone experience these feelings?
under new management
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Calgary, Alberta
Posts: 2,339
Hi aliciagr,
I don't post often on the F&F side (although I am a double winner, recovering alcoholic, co-dependant, married to an active alcoholic. does that make me a triple winner?)
But I read on this side a lot. Like a real lot!
Sometimes I feel triggered and when that happens, I go away and come back later.
I always come back, though, because of the incredible collective wisdom here. I have learned so much about myself from the generous people here that I couldn't envision where I would be in my recovery without this resource.
Maybe you could just take a "posting to lend a hand" break, for now, but stick around for the wisdom?
I don't post often on the F&F side (although I am a double winner, recovering alcoholic, co-dependant, married to an active alcoholic. does that make me a triple winner?)
But I read on this side a lot. Like a real lot!
Sometimes I feel triggered and when that happens, I go away and come back later.
I always come back, though, because of the incredible collective wisdom here. I have learned so much about myself from the generous people here that I couldn't envision where I would be in my recovery without this resource.
Maybe you could just take a "posting to lend a hand" break, for now, but stick around for the wisdom?
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
aliciagr....I can always remember my grandmother saying to me, as I was growing up...."Take what you need and give what you can".......
lol...I might modify that to....."Take only what you need...and, give only what you can"......
lol...I might modify that to....."Take only what you need...and, give only what you can"......
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 844
Originally Posted by dandylion
aliciagr....I can always remember my grandmother saying to me, as I was growing up...."Take what you need and give what you can".......
lol...I might modify that to....."Take only what you need...and, give only what you can"......
lol...I might modify that to....."Take only what you need...and, give only what you can"......
Right now it feels a little bit like hey, I got bit by a dog, lets read about people getting bit by dogs and their stories over and over, and how they dealt with it. At some point it feels like you have to say I was bitten but I dealt with it and if I keep talking and hearing about peoples bad experiences with dogs then its keeping my prior experience alive and at the forefront of my mind when it should become more of a distant memory over time replaced by more positive things
a strange analogy but i did get bit by a dog once. It upset me a while but I got over it.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Originally Posted by aliciagr
thats a good one!
Right now it feels a little bit like hey, I got bit by a dog, lets read about people getting bit by dogs and their stories over and over, and how they dealt with it. At some point it feels like you have to say I was bitten but I dealt with it and if I keep talking and hearing about peoples bad experiences with dogs then its keeping my prior experience alive and at the forefront of my mind when it should become more of a distant memory over time replaced by more positive things
a strange analogy but i did get bit by a dog once. It upset me a while but I got over it.
Right now it feels a little bit like hey, I got bit by a dog, lets read about people getting bit by dogs and their stories over and over, and how they dealt with it. At some point it feels like you have to say I was bitten but I dealt with it and if I keep talking and hearing about peoples bad experiences with dogs then its keeping my prior experience alive and at the forefront of my mind when it should become more of a distant memory over time replaced by more positive things
a strange analogy but i did get bit by a dog once. It upset me a while but I got over it.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
