Would you marry an alcoholic?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 232
KNOWINGLY marry an alcoholic?
Not in this life. Or the next. Or whenever.
My wife is an alcoholic. After what I've been through, and seeing what everybody else has been through on this forum, I can tell you this in blistering honesty:
This is ONE club you don't ever want to join.
Think of it this way: you're already here at this forum, and you aren't even married yet. What's THAT tell you?
It doesn't get better, at all. It just changes: you, the kids, siblings, relatives, everyone. And needlessly so.
And there are no prizes to win when you 'Stand by your man/woman' through all this crap.
My advice: Cut. Run. Fast. Far. Don't ever look back.
But you still may be kicking this around in your head, so if you are, just answer this to yourself in heartfelt honesty:
What would you tell your son/daughter to do if THEY came to you with the same question?
That's your answer.
Sorry so harsh, but I really would hate to see you come back here with a 'married to an alcoholic' post.
PEACE!
Not in this life. Or the next. Or whenever.
My wife is an alcoholic. After what I've been through, and seeing what everybody else has been through on this forum, I can tell you this in blistering honesty:
This is ONE club you don't ever want to join.
Think of it this way: you're already here at this forum, and you aren't even married yet. What's THAT tell you?
It doesn't get better, at all. It just changes: you, the kids, siblings, relatives, everyone. And needlessly so.
And there are no prizes to win when you 'Stand by your man/woman' through all this crap.
My advice: Cut. Run. Fast. Far. Don't ever look back.
But you still may be kicking this around in your head, so if you are, just answer this to yourself in heartfelt honesty:
What would you tell your son/daughter to do if THEY came to you with the same question?
That's your answer.
Sorry so harsh, but I really would hate to see you come back here with a 'married to an alcoholic' post.
PEACE!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Originally Posted by Kimmieh 
Good point.
When I broke up with my ex, I told him I would consider getting back together if has one year sober. He did go into rehab, but has relapsed since. I have moved on and like I said, would not go down that road again.
When I broke up with my ex, I told him I would consider getting back together if has one year sober. He did go into rehab, but has relapsed since. I have moved on and like I said, would not go down that road again.
My wedding dress still has tags on it and today just as 5 years ago he is not marriage material, nor relationship material and now is permanently off the Tahiti date list too.
More was revealed....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: New York
Posts: 105
I need extra motivation today. If things would not have been so messed up, if he would not have chosen alcohol over me, we would have been getting married a month from now. July 16, 2016 was going to be the day he was going to make all my dreams come true. I am emotionally weak and I feel extremely exhausted today.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
HFC - I say this gently , oh so gently, but if you are waiting on a person (man, whatever) to make all your dreams come true, THAT is the root of your problem/issues. Why don't YOU start making your own dreams come true, and then look for a suitable partner to complement you, not fill you or complete you.
I'd recommend reading Shel Silversteins "The Missing Piece Meets the Big O"....
I know it hurts-reality hurts sometimes-but at least you know....your eyes were opened BEFORE you married-as opposed to many of us here, myself included, that did marry an alcoholic and now have to deal with the ramifications of that decision and it's impacts on kids each in every day. I would not wish that on anyone. You made the right choice.
Hugs.
I'd recommend reading Shel Silversteins "The Missing Piece Meets the Big O"....
I know it hurts-reality hurts sometimes-but at least you know....your eyes were opened BEFORE you married-as opposed to many of us here, myself included, that did marry an alcoholic and now have to deal with the ramifications of that decision and it's impacts on kids each in every day. I would not wish that on anyone. You made the right choice.
Hugs.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Btw-the last few years of my marriage, and plenty of sporadic times prior to that during the marriage, were scenes out of horror movies-stuff of nightmares-NOT my dreams coming true. You have saved yourself from a life of pain and misery-trust me on that!!!! Hugs 
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: New York
Posts: 105
Originally Posted by Forourgirls
HFC - I say this gently , oh so gently, but if you are waiting on a person (man, whatever) to make all your dreams come true, THAT is the root of your problem/issues. Why don't YOU start making your own dreams come true, and then look for a suitable partner to complement you, not fill you or complete you.
I'd recommend reading Shel Silversteins "The Missing Piece Meets the Big O"....
I know it hurts-reality hurts sometimes-but at least you know....your eyes were opened BEFORE you married-as opposed to many of us here, myself included, that did marry an alcoholic and now have to deal with the ramifications of that decision and it's impacts on kids each in every day. I would not wish that on anyone. You made the right choice.
Hugs.
I'd recommend reading Shel Silversteins "The Missing Piece Meets the Big O"....
I know it hurts-reality hurts sometimes-but at least you know....your eyes were opened BEFORE you married-as opposed to many of us here, myself included, that did marry an alcoholic and now have to deal with the ramifications of that decision and it's impacts on kids each in every day. I would not wish that on anyone. You made the right choice.
Hugs.
Originally Posted by FireSprite
What a great suggestion!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Originally Posted by HopingForCure
I need extra motivation today. If things would not have been so messed up, if he would not have chosen alcohol over me, we would have been getting married a month from now. July 16, 2016 was going to be the day he was going to make all my dreams come true. I am emotionally weak and I feel extremely exhausted today.
That kind of thinking was my disease. My drug of choice was relationships.
Anyone who chooses drinking over a loving relationship is not capable of being the type of partner you deserve. My ex made the same choices. That is not a reflection of our worth, but rather a sad testament to the power of alcoholism. Some will lose literally everything- family, job, home- and still continue to drink. Their bottom is death.
The best thing I ever did for myself was to go on a long (3 year) dating hiatus and do some serious work on myself through Al Anon and individual counseling. I needed help breaking my pattern. I had to explore why I had chosen someone so broken as my "soul mate" who was going to make all my dreams come true. Take this opportunity to heal yourself. You are worth the effort, I promise.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
This is the fight for YOUR life to stick to this healthy boundary and NOT allow him to ease on down the road which leads right back to where you left him, only worse. Of course he wants to move in with you, he’s lost his job and is sober 2 weeks (maybe).
An adult loving relationship shouldn’t have to revolve around test results.
I’m betting that you are measuring his love for you by his sobriety. You are probably thinking that if he’s willing to give it up for you he must really love you. If he’s willing to have you call him night and day for test results, he must really love you and want to spend his life with you. This is not love, love is not about forcing submission then measuring that submission.
If you can’t love him unconditionally for who and how he really is – an alcoholic and all that comes with that then you have no business being in a relationship with him.
I’m not trying to be mean I’m sharing from experience.
An adult loving relationship shouldn’t have to revolve around test results.
I’m betting that you are measuring his love for you by his sobriety. You are probably thinking that if he’s willing to give it up for you he must really love you. If he’s willing to have you call him night and day for test results, he must really love you and want to spend his life with you. This is not love, love is not about forcing submission then measuring that submission.
If you can’t love him unconditionally for who and how he really is – an alcoholic and all that comes with that then you have no business being in a relationship with him.
I’m not trying to be mean I’m sharing from experience.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: New York
Posts: 105
Originally Posted by atalose
This is the fight for YOUR life to stick to this healthy boundary and NOT allow him to ease on down the road which leads right back to where you left him, only worse. Of course he wants to move in with you, he’s lost his job and is sober 2 weeks (maybe).
An adult loving relationship shouldn’t have to revolve around test results.
I’m betting that you are measuring his love for you by his sobriety. You are probably thinking that if he’s willing to give it up for you he must really love you. If he’s willing to have you call him night and day for test results, he must really love you and want to spend his life with you. This is not love, love is not about forcing submission then measuring that submission.
If you can’t love him unconditionally for who and how he really is – an alcoholic and all that comes with that then you have no business being in a relationship with him.
I’m not trying to be mean I’m sharing from experience.
An adult loving relationship shouldn’t have to revolve around test results.
I’m betting that you are measuring his love for you by his sobriety. You are probably thinking that if he’s willing to give it up for you he must really love you. If he’s willing to have you call him night and day for test results, he must really love you and want to spend his life with you. This is not love, love is not about forcing submission then measuring that submission.
If you can’t love him unconditionally for who and how he really is – an alcoholic and all that comes with that then you have no business being in a relationship with him.
I’m not trying to be mean I’m sharing from experience.
Thank you for sharing your stories. You have no idea how much I am learning here...
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I know it's hard to hear, but it is such a blessing that this happened BEFORE you married him. Truly. I know that is hard to see right now, but I promise it's true.
We are here for you, and sending many hugs and lots of love!
We are here for you, and sending many hugs and lots of love!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: New York
Posts: 105
Originally Posted by hopeful4
I know it's hard to hear, but it is such a blessing that this happened BEFORE you married him. Truly. I know that is hard to see right now, but I promise it's true.
We are here for you, and sending many hugs and lots of love!
We are here for you, and sending many hugs and lots of love!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Even after I made a firm decision to sober up, I knew that it would take much time for me to prove myself worthy of her love again. For a drunk such as myself had put the family, neighbors and courts through much turmoil.
Actions speak louder than words and I knew that meant correct sober actions from then on. If the wife wished to jump aboard somewhere down the road that would be entirely up to her and in her time (only).
MM
Actions speak louder than words and I knew that meant correct sober actions from then on. If the wife wished to jump aboard somewhere down the road that would be entirely up to her and in her time (only).
MM
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
Interesting thread. Having been married to one for 18 years and then with a recovering one who relapsed the day we moved in together, I'm a resounding NO.
If a firm recovery path isn't already in place for years, no way. Even then I'd rather avoid it.
That said, I met a guy this week who I really clicked with. The topic of drinking came up and he said he didn't drink. That's a flag for me, so I asked why...he's a recovering alcoholic, in AA with great friends there, sober 15 years.
I'm intrigued by his long term sobriety, and I love the self-awareness and genuineness that AA and Alanon can give you when you do the hard work...but I imagine him being more of a friend than anything else. That may be because I don't have the desire to be in a relationship at all right now, I'm not sure. I know my heart can't take another A, that's for sure. I just posted this because I realized it's a MUCH different discussion with years of life-changing recovery in place. But that's definitely a prerequisite. Not one year, but several.
If a firm recovery path isn't already in place for years, no way. Even then I'd rather avoid it.
That said, I met a guy this week who I really clicked with. The topic of drinking came up and he said he didn't drink. That's a flag for me, so I asked why...he's a recovering alcoholic, in AA with great friends there, sober 15 years.
I'm intrigued by his long term sobriety, and I love the self-awareness and genuineness that AA and Alanon can give you when you do the hard work...but I imagine him being more of a friend than anything else. That may be because I don't have the desire to be in a relationship at all right now, I'm not sure. I know my heart can't take another A, that's for sure. I just posted this because I realized it's a MUCH different discussion with years of life-changing recovery in place. But that's definitely a prerequisite. Not one year, but several.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
