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Would you marry an alcoholic? I am engaged to an alcoholic. He gets alcohol withdrawal seizures. We have been together for 2 years now. He has been an alcoholic for 7. 3 months ago, I quit on our relationship and moved out. Since then, he has tried quitting multiple times and failed and have had 2 seizures. Getting over him has been exhausting and so I decided to give him another chance. He has bought a breathalyzer and he texts me his test result every 6-8 hours or whenever I ask. He said he will go to therapy again and also take medications if that will increase our chances to get back together. I am scared of going back to him. But I am also terrified of being away from him because I love him. Would you marry an alcoholic? |
No. Well, that's not fair bc I did marry an alcoholic-however, that doesn't matter. I'm wondering what about this life of you receiving breathalyzer results like you're a probation officer entices you?!? This seems more like a codependent can't live without you mess rather than a real honest relationship. He's seizing without alcohol...this person can't even take care of himself, let alone you... Read up, check out the stickies, etc....simple answer, NO! |
Your fiance is in advanced alcoholism, which means the odds of solid recovery are not good. If it were me, I would not marry him and definitely make certain not have a child with him. Too often addicts subconsciously use formal obligations as a way to keep their enabler trapped in the relationship and make it safer to relapse. If you want to keep trying with him, just don't make it legal so it will be easier to leave. I'm sorry...these are harsh words but they're based on sad experience, both of mine and that of a lot of other people. |
My ex also had withdrawal seizures-he is advanced in his alcoholism as well. And my words came from my heart and from my experience marrying and divorcing an A. Had I known then what I know now, I never would have made the same decision. |
Hell to the no...not again. Been down that road, married, and divorced, an alcoholic. Misery, simple misery. |
^ hopeful, you captured the correct intensity in your post :) hell to the NO! |
My answer.....NO. If you have any other questions, I will happily try to answer them.....really..... dandylion |
Sounds like the offer on the table is to be a prison warden, police officer, nurse and mommy, rather than a spouse. This JOB doesn't pay enough. No way. |
He he, red-that's what my ex wanted me to be . Not enough money in the world! |
Thank you so much for the responses. The issue is, I feel extremely guilty about abandoning him, I feel like if Alcoholism is a disease, just like cancer is a disease, is it fair for me to abandon him just because this is out of his control. Another issue is that I was the one who suggested breathalyzer and that if he succeeds, I will give him another chance...If I back off now, he will never be motivated to quit ever again. I greatly appreciate the advice. God Bless You all |
No way! :scorebad If I back off now, he will never be motivated to quit ever again. |
Oh man, do I ever understand what you are going through. Seizures, breathalyzers, promises. I am just on the other side, having left my husband about 6 months ago. It was a long, grueling process. Now we share kids together and I get to second guess his attempts at sobriety from afar. Not fun. But so much better than being entangled in that mess. Yes, it can feel terrible to walk away from so much past and so much potential. But when the present speaks so loudly and clearly, I really couldn't ignore it any longer. And to answer your question, No, I would never knowingly get into a relationship with an alcoholic ever again. It's too much of a beast. |
HopingforCure.....I suggest that you get a copy of "Co-dependent No More"......it is a sort of "bible" in these parts. I think a lot will resound for you.... You can get it at the library or a cheap used copy on amazon.com...... No, alcoholism is NOT like cancer...... You do not have the ability to get him to quit drinking.. 3 C's. You didn't Cause it; You can't Cure it; and, you can't Control it...... Love, alone, is not enough. If it were...there wouldn't be a forum of loved ones like us!! If he is doing this to "get you back".....guess what....as soon as he is confident that you are back in the bag.....it will all resume, again...... I hope that you will keep reading and learning...... Knowledge is power dandylion |
"I love you, now go away." This is what he will demonstrate to you for the rest of his life. They slowly go away while being present. The end result, is that you end up alone with another body to clean up after. It is easier to just STAY alone to begin with. |
Hello HopingforCure, Welcome to SR! I am sorry for what brings you here, but very glad you have found us. You will find a great deal of support here...for you! Although I know this is not what you want to hear, but no, I would not marry the alcoholic you are describing. If he had a solid recovery program and had been sober for a number of years without any slips...if he was humble, transparent in all his activities, and was rigorously honest about his current and past situation, then maybe yes. This is a decision you have to make for yourself. I hope before you do, you will take some time and educate yourself more about the disease that is alcoholism. If your boyfriend decides for himself that he wants to be sober, that's great! But right now he is just at the very beginning of a lifetime of work. Sending many hugs and prayers as you struggle to make the best decision for yourself. |
Hi, Hoping, nice to see you here. I see you have a chosen the screen name "HopingForCure." I just want to say, there is no "cure" for addiction. There is only recovery, and recovery is a lifetime commitment. It is very tempting to buy into the belief that you have some power over the alcoholic and whether or not they choose to pursue recovery. Many of us here have learned the hard way that there are no magic words, magic actions, or shining examples we can set to make someone change who is not ready to change. Harder still, many of us have wasted years and years of our lives proving it all over again. You cannot abandon a functional adult. Alcoholism isn't like cancer; cancer patients don't go to the store to buy more cancer. There are unlimited resources out there for addicts who wish to recover. Please hang around and read some of the other threads and stories of those who have loved addicted people. |
If he had cancer, would he refuse to do the things that could cure him? Or just do them halfheartedly if you threatened to leave? Just please don't marry him until he's gone to rehab and been sober a year. He's beyond the stage of half measures. |
please don't set yourself up as "bait" to get the alcoholic to straighten up. you are worth more than that. his problem, his disease, far exceeds anything you could say or do to make him quit. alcoholism is NOTHING like cancer, or diabetes. it is a disease that is put into FULL remission of the addict does just ONE thing......never ever drink again. you did not abandon him. you moved out of the way, so he could deal with his own problems head on. his addiction has been around a lot longer than you have. let's see how he's doing a year from now. by then he should have at least 365 days of consistent sobriety. that would be a good marker for how committed he is to resolving his problem. |
No, never ever ever ever again. It is like being married to a man who will never be yours because he loves someone else. It is like there are three of you in marriage. |
No. I would hope I would never make that same mistake again. I am trying to disentangle my heart from that now...in a horrible wishy-washy way. I made steps this time to attempt a financial separation at least. |
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