Intimacy vs sex
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Intimacy vs sex
Bluebird brought up an interesting topic-I apologize if it's already been discussed....intimacy vs sex.
For years my ex abd I had intimacy...I think....shared values, trust and a very strong unbreakable connection-we were partners, learning and growing together-we used to do this thing where we would wink our eyes at one another wherever we were-it was like an unspoken I love you and gotcha babe. I loved it... And then, that went away....abuse abd everything else set in and sex was just a tool and a weapon and a threat: something I had to give him no matter how awful he treated me or his children.
So, for y'all-please explain the intimacy vs sex thing for me....bc I want to know what I have to look forward to-being intimate with a man!
For years my ex abd I had intimacy...I think....shared values, trust and a very strong unbreakable connection-we were partners, learning and growing together-we used to do this thing where we would wink our eyes at one another wherever we were-it was like an unspoken I love you and gotcha babe. I loved it... And then, that went away....abuse abd everything else set in and sex was just a tool and a weapon and a threat: something I had to give him no matter how awful he treated me or his children.
So, for y'all-please explain the intimacy vs sex thing for me....bc I want to know what I have to look forward to-being intimate with a man!
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Midwest
Posts: 367
I'm interested in learning more about this too - I'm coming to realize more and more that I never truly had intimacy with AH.
Please pardon if TMI.
Since his issues with addiction started in his early teenage years, that's where his emotional growth basically stopped. My dysfunctional FOO/childhood background stunted me as well, plus the craziness of my fundamentalist church background and all that entails with attitudes toward sex... I was a mess, and a virgin, when I met him, and I had NO idea about what I should expect or even want from an intimate partner. I was repressed, sheltered, and clueless.
With that said, sex with him was, for the VAST majority of the time, just about him getting off. It was never really about connection or love, and rarely about my needs or desires. I accepted it for years for many reasons - ignorance, non-existent sense of self-worth, etc. I wasn't happy about it, but I resigned myself to it. Gosh that's hard to type.
Please pardon if TMI.
Since his issues with addiction started in his early teenage years, that's where his emotional growth basically stopped. My dysfunctional FOO/childhood background stunted me as well, plus the craziness of my fundamentalist church background and all that entails with attitudes toward sex... I was a mess, and a virgin, when I met him, and I had NO idea about what I should expect or even want from an intimate partner. I was repressed, sheltered, and clueless.
With that said, sex with him was, for the VAST majority of the time, just about him getting off. It was never really about connection or love, and rarely about my needs or desires. I accepted it for years for many reasons - ignorance, non-existent sense of self-worth, etc. I wasn't happy about it, but I resigned myself to it. Gosh that's hard to type.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: MD
Posts: 658
Accepting that a sex life is possibly not going to return is a delicate prospect. I was not the alcoholic but I was the one pushing, demanding and manipulating to get it, much like an addict. For sure she's not feeling it now, and I'm pretty sure wasn't feeling it much for the last 10 years. She's not comfortable talking about relationship stuff, but I do wonder sometimes how much we ever were intimate even back in the beginning- I wasn't capable of a lot myself- selfishness etc . But it doesn't signify; she deserves to live her way without my claws all over. I admit against my manbrain's resistance that the lack of a sex life is preferable to an abusive one. The manbrain offers me nothing but fantasy, which I have to be careful of. I envy the take-it or leave-it tone in some posts in recent threads about sex, these issues are like walking a tightrope for me, strict spiritual maintenance is required at all times.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 142
Yes! For me in my current healthy relationship intimacy comes from watching shows together, eating a midnight snack in the kitchen and making jokes, conversation about our future goals and dreams, holding eachother while we take a nap. We are intimate every day all the time. But we dont have sex constantly anymore because we have a lot of other things going on, but i feel close to him in other ways. there was NO intimacy with my xAH and i assume his need and desire for constant sexual validation is because of our tumultuous relationship where we didnt share anything kind or loving.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 216
After years and decades of marriage... passion, intimacy and trying can take a decline. Keeping that special intimate bond takes a lot of effort in marriages sometimes, especially those that endure resentment and other ill-feelings towards one another accumulated by hurt over the years.
Guys have a higher sex drive in general than females and can compartmentalize sex whereas women want a sense of intimacy before we have sex. Some guys are clueless about female anatomy and don't know what you want, then they will just go with what they want...wham, bam, thank you ma'am. it's also our responsibility to our own bodies and mind to not keep putting out if we don't want to. Clear boundaries. If guys want to keep having sex with their spouse, they will make sure they learn very quickly what they are required to do to get laid.
Guys have a higher sex drive in general than females and can compartmentalize sex whereas women want a sense of intimacy before we have sex. Some guys are clueless about female anatomy and don't know what you want, then they will just go with what they want...wham, bam, thank you ma'am. it's also our responsibility to our own bodies and mind to not keep putting out if we don't want to. Clear boundaries. If guys want to keep having sex with their spouse, they will make sure they learn very quickly what they are required to do to get laid.
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: milwaukee wi
Posts: 3,574
ok ladies this howl is for what my Hubby and I had for 20 years.. and then they gave him morphine.. now I miss my hubby's laughter which is gone.. his blue eyes that sparkled and I knew I was in there to make him sparkle.. I miss his love that was not hard or loud or blaring nuts to the walls.. sex its when one little part of him works.. and he can take the time ... me I have learned just not to well too.. every so often I can taste how we were.. Iam sorry I need a tissue.. for he is not good .. last night I listened carefully to every foot fall and breath he took.. for he is not going to be around much longer.. this I know... and just roll day by day...
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 715
I have a lot to say on this subject but for some reason I am finding it very difficult to put into words. To me intimacy equals a connection. Sex is just sex. Kinda hard to be intimate with your partner when they are two sheets to the wind and you realize that they probably will not even remember it the next day. How pathetic is that, right?
That's all I've got for now....
That's all I've got for now....
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
I always have needed to have some connection to have sex. And I love intimacy - being with the person, cuddling, talking, connecting, walking in the moonlight, listening to each other without prejudice, etc.
Hasn't happened in years in my house. Sad.
Hasn't happened in years in my house. Sad.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Texas
Posts: 95
I always enjoy hearing different responses from men and women on this question. lol
When I hear intimacy, I used to think sex when I was younger. As time has put a few wrinkles on me, I've realized that for me intimacy does not need to involve sex. I've had intimacy with a woman without having had sex with her. It was amazing; it was better than any sexual encounters I've had because it was so complete and so fulfilling. I never felt so human as I felt with her.
I've had sex without intimacy. At first, it was exciting and quite addictive. It did wonders for my male ego. That's the problem: sex without intimacy fuels the ego. Sex with intimacy fuels the spirit.
When I was drinking/drugging, my spirit was dead, which is why I laughed at the word intimacy just like I laughed at the word sobriety. I was all about the ego.
Well those days are gone. I'm working on becoming a spiritual person. It's difficult. Some days I get so frustrated that my mindset resorts back to the drinking me or the drugging me even though I'm not using any alcohol or drugs anymore.
I hope to achieve intimacy again. I try to be honest with those I care about, even when it hurts their feelings. I would rather tell someone I care about the truth and hurt them than sugarcoat things and keep things superficial and fake with no chance for growth.
When I hear intimacy, I used to think sex when I was younger. As time has put a few wrinkles on me, I've realized that for me intimacy does not need to involve sex. I've had intimacy with a woman without having had sex with her. It was amazing; it was better than any sexual encounters I've had because it was so complete and so fulfilling. I never felt so human as I felt with her.
I've had sex without intimacy. At first, it was exciting and quite addictive. It did wonders for my male ego. That's the problem: sex without intimacy fuels the ego. Sex with intimacy fuels the spirit.
When I was drinking/drugging, my spirit was dead, which is why I laughed at the word intimacy just like I laughed at the word sobriety. I was all about the ego.
Well those days are gone. I'm working on becoming a spiritual person. It's difficult. Some days I get so frustrated that my mindset resorts back to the drinking me or the drugging me even though I'm not using any alcohol or drugs anymore.
I hope to achieve intimacy again. I try to be honest with those I care about, even when it hurts their feelings. I would rather tell someone I care about the truth and hurt them than sugarcoat things and keep things superficial and fake with no chance for growth.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Canada
Posts: 235
I've been racking my brain to come up with a good definition of intimacy to share with you guys, and it's been very difficult. It's such a personal and complex concept and, as such, very hard to define. I also find myself lost in translation as I try to define intimacy as some of the words I would use in French to explain my vision of intimacy do not have the exact same meaning in English.
To me, the concept of intimacy is rooted in friendship, love and something we call "complicité" in French, which is not exactly the same as "complicity". It could somewhat be define as "partners in crime".
In my mind, intimacy doesn't not exclusively apply to couples. It applies to family, friendship, or any close bond.
In the case of relationships, I think we often fall in love with people without liking them, and it may be why we end up feeling that there is no intimacy. I think you need a real friendship and partnership to develop intimacy in a love relationship.
I think friendship and partnership are also the reasons why you can have intimacy with your friends or you family. At least, it is certainly my case. I feel like I have a certain intimacy with my close friends (women or men), and we're surely not having any sex.
I think it's only with friendship and partnership that you can truly opened up to another person, show who you truly are and "get naked" in a metaphorical way.
As many people said, sex can be had without intimacy or love. But can you make love without intimacy?
That's where language is great. You see, some of you have said that once the intimacy was gone from your relationship with your A, you had no interest in sex, or having sex with that person. But to me, making love and having sex are two different things. Sex implies that two people who are attracted to each other get naked and share a fun time between the sheets, and making love means two people getting naked, both metaphorically and physically, and sharing a moment filled with emotion.
My question to you is this: before the betrayal, before intimacy left your relationship, were you having sex with your A or were you making love?
I know for a fact that I have no interest in making love with someone I don't feel a close and deep bond with.
As for sex, I don't feel like getting naked with someone that treats me like sh!t, doesn't respect me and smells like a dive bar at 3 am. Those reasons kill what I feel is required for sex: attraction.
To me, the concept of intimacy is rooted in friendship, love and something we call "complicité" in French, which is not exactly the same as "complicity". It could somewhat be define as "partners in crime".
In my mind, intimacy doesn't not exclusively apply to couples. It applies to family, friendship, or any close bond.
In the case of relationships, I think we often fall in love with people without liking them, and it may be why we end up feeling that there is no intimacy. I think you need a real friendship and partnership to develop intimacy in a love relationship.
I think friendship and partnership are also the reasons why you can have intimacy with your friends or you family. At least, it is certainly my case. I feel like I have a certain intimacy with my close friends (women or men), and we're surely not having any sex.
I think it's only with friendship and partnership that you can truly opened up to another person, show who you truly are and "get naked" in a metaphorical way.
As many people said, sex can be had without intimacy or love. But can you make love without intimacy?
That's where language is great. You see, some of you have said that once the intimacy was gone from your relationship with your A, you had no interest in sex, or having sex with that person. But to me, making love and having sex are two different things. Sex implies that two people who are attracted to each other get naked and share a fun time between the sheets, and making love means two people getting naked, both metaphorically and physically, and sharing a moment filled with emotion.
My question to you is this: before the betrayal, before intimacy left your relationship, were you having sex with your A or were you making love?
I know for a fact that I have no interest in making love with someone I don't feel a close and deep bond with.
As for sex, I don't feel like getting naked with someone that treats me like sh!t, doesn't respect me and smells like a dive bar at 3 am. Those reasons kill what I feel is required for sex: attraction.
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When there's no affection, no secret smiles shared in front of the oblivious crowd -- the basis for good lovin' has been removed. What good is sex when it is the only expression of love in a relationship? That's like having a car with the accelerator fixed in the wide-open spot ... much more dangerous than helpful.
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