findingme26

So I caught my son's sick and spent the last two weeks out of commission myself. When my cough wasn't getting any better by this past Friday, I finally went to the doctor who declared pneumonia and started me on an antibiotic and steroid. When I get sick, I do it all the way! Not feeling well has made me feel pretty emotionally vulnerable and I have started to entertain thoughts of having RAP move back home when she's done with rehab. We don't know exactly when that will be, as it's basically on a week by week basis right now, depending on insurance approvals. She came home on a pass and spent most of the day with us on Saturday, and it was really, really hard to say goodbye when she had to go back. The kids, especially, are feeling the emotional strain and keep asking when she is going to come home. I know all of the reasons why she needs to stay out of the house for a while, but I can't help that I just miss her right now. And I'm really tired.

I had a good session with my therapist tonight, and she helped me put things into better perspective. I know that my biggest fear is that we make the wrong decision. That she will go get her own apartment and we will be miserable and the kids won't understand and will hurt even more. Or, that she will come home, it will be too much for the both of us, and she will relapse and our relationship will be over for good. My therapist helped me look at it in terms of "which decision will be easiest to undo if it is wrong?" I know that it would be a lot harder to kick her out again once she's back, and much easier to allow her back in if we really feel like that's the best step.

And honestly, there are things about living here without her that I have really grown to like. My home is so much more organized and peaceful. The kids and I have a pretty good routine going, and they have really stepped up and are taking on a lot more responsibility helping out around the house. Having her come back would really disrupt us and take a lot of getting used to her being around making messes again. My therapist thinks that it is actually a positive sign for our relationship that I miss her, because that shows that I haven't hit that "point of no return" yet. If she can keep herself healthy, then maybe we can have a healthy future together. I just feel so much pressure to make the right decisions, do the right things, handle this all the right way. I don't feel like I can trust my own emotions to tell me what is right and what is healthy because I've been so out of whack for so long.

RAP agrees that we shouldn't rush it and move her back in, but if I really said I needed her back, I think she would. She misses me and our kids and dogs and house too. But I do admit to feeling a little twinge of jealousy/rejection when I hear her say that she feels like she needs to be on her own for a while and focus on her sobriety before she can fully jump back in to our family. What if she likes living on her own so much that she decides she doesn't want to come back? I know, file that under "things I have no control over". But it's a scary possible scenario.

So, that's a lot of rambling right now, as I try to get my head and thoughts organized, I guess. I know after everything that has happened, I should want nothing to do with her. I should be done and send her on her way. I can't justify my feelings right now, other than, everyone says "you'll know you're done when you are done" and I just don't feel like we're really done yet. I feel like I owe it to myself, my kids, her, and our marriage to give her one last chance at turning her life around. I want to have hope, and believe that she really can do it. She's making great progress and we are both interacting in much healthier ways. I just hope that I can keep myself grounded in reality as well, and keep making healthy choices as we go forward.

dandylion

findingme26......it sounds like your most immediate issue is the lonliness....?

I think that a certain amount of lonliness is natural and understandable....
We all miss what we have grown familiar with in our daily lives.....
We even miss our enemies who we have grown used to, if they are suddenly gone..!

Maybe, learning new ways to cope with lonliness might be very useful, for y ou, right now....learning new activities and new patterns and interests....
Less dependent on her to fill you up.....

I would fear, that after this short time, inviting her back in would be a short road to all the problems that you came here because of.....
She has a lot of work to do...and it takes time....and she needs to have the freedom to focus o n her substantial issues......
Time takes time.....

It sounds, to me, that you stand to lose more than you would gain by inviting her back, now.....

She stands a better chance of recovery if she has distance to make sobriety her MAIN priority......
If she doesn't make a genuine journey into sobriety...all is lost anyway.....
For you, and, for her.....

dandylion

FeelingGreat

Sounds like her recovery is going well if even she thinks she needs to be on her own for a while at least. There's a danger that coming back to family life right away will cause her to fall into old habits. Part of getting sober is about habits (I am an RA); it's not just chemistry.

Would a good plan be for her to live apart while you both work on low key relationship building, maybe with a therapist? Give her a chance to see the children without the stress of daily routine?

LexieCat

I think when we're under the weather physically it makes us a lot more vulnerable emotionally, too.

I think your therapist has a very good way of looking at things. And if she WERE to decide she prefers being on her own, isn't it better to find that out BEFORE she settles back in and everyone has to be disrupted AGAIN? And it sounds as if you're kind of enjoying it, yourself, even though you miss her.

I can tell you from experience it's possible to have a very friendly divorce with both parents very involved in their kids' lives. I left, in large part, because I didn't want to be in the marriage, though I still cared very much about my ex (who had been sober since before I met him). We have the world's friendliest divorce and I still consider him probably my closest friend. Just something to think about. Your both deciding the marriage isn't great for you isn't the worst thing that can happen.

findingme26

I don't think it's so much an issue of general loneliness, though that would be understandable. I have a lot going on at work, I have Al-Anon and I have friends and family that I keep in good contact with. I'm not feeling generally lonely, I'm specifically missing her. But I know that having her stay in her own place doesn't mean we won't see each other at all. I think we do need to take it slow and introduce her back into the home in small, scheduled steps. I know that this is the best course of action, and we can structure it however feels best for us. It was just a hard couple of weeks and I was definitely feeling emotional!

That's a good point, Lexie, about a friendly divorce. I guess I haven't entertained that thought because it always felt like divorce would end up being some major blow-up after the chaos of a relapse. Thinking about it in a new perspective, like not living together doesn't have to be the end of our family. We don't have to hate each other and feel all the animosity you sometimes see. I just need to open my mind and really believe that there are options for us other than the usual patterns that we are so used to. It's new ground for sure, and can feel scary!

findingme26

Also, update on the job situation - she took my feelings to heart and applied at a place she had part-time work a year or two ago. They were ecstatic to have her come back and want her to start in a couple of weeks, pending scheduling and everything. So I feel good that I voiced my concerns and that she did listen and really try to understand where I was coming from and why I felt the way I did, instead of dismissing and digging in her heels like she would have done in the past.

Wisconsin

((HUGS)) FM. I agree that being under the weather makes us more vulnerable. As for amicable splits, I agree on that one, too. My STBXAH is still drinking with no signs of wanting to stop, and our divorce is underway with minimal drama. Granted, my goal is to get everything done and finalized before he deteriorates more. And I am realistic about the fact that there will probably come a day when his condition deteriorates to the point that I have to employ some "nuclear options" when it comes to our son. But for now, anyway, things are generally amicable. I'm working through plenty of my own issues, but the intense drama of when we were physically together in the same home is gone. We still have spats and butt heads, and he still says jerkish things. But the physical space and distance make it much easier for me to just keep my focus on myself.

Bekindalways

Big, big hug FM. And good for you for coming and posting.

You really sound like you are thinking this through. Being sick, probably puts you in a place that is not the best for making a decision.

findingme26

I think the fact that she is in recovery and not actively drinking/using makes it harder on my decision making process. If she was actively using and didn't want to quit, it would make it a lot easier for me to just say "Okay, that's it - we're done". She is honestly invested in recovery and I do believe that she desperately wants to be healthy. That's a good thing! But man, if healthy her still decides that she likes being out on her own better than being back as a family again? Wow, that's a hard pill for me to swallow.

Wisconsin

That sentiment might be worth investigating with your therapist. I know for many of us, that feeling was at least partly rooted in our feeling that after putting up with so much crap, we deserved to be the ones who got the good stuff after someone got sober. And I don't think that's a particularly healthy reason to want someone to stay. For me, at least, I felt that way when I was still pretty sick myself--it came from me feeling like I was better than and superior to my STBXAH in some ways because I wasn't an addict, and that he owed me something because I had stuck it out for so long when things were so bad.

findingme26

That is an interesting insight. I'm not sure if that's the place it's coming from for me? I don't think I'm feeling superior to her at this point. I know how sick I was through all of this and feel like I have a pretty good handle on what my part was in contributing to and prolonging the chaos in our lives. It's more like, okay, if she doesn't want to be in this relationship in the middle of an addiction relapse, then I have something tangible to blame it on. But if she's healthy and still doesn't want our relationship, then that's more of a statement about me, and makes me question a lot of where I thought we were and the common ground that I thought we shared, you know? Not that these things were or weren't an issue when she was in active addiction, but more that it's just easier to have something else to blame things on, and not have to feel as much that we were on completely different pages and didn't even realize it.

LexieCat

No, it's not a statement about you, at all--any more than my leaving my first husband was a statement about him. He was/is an awesome guy, but not right for me. Maybe NOBODY's right for me, lol. But my leaving certainly wasn't because of some lack in him, it was a lack in me. Or in us as a compatible unit.

Wisconsin

I totally agree with Lexie one million percent.

Also, FM, I think it's great that you can identify that addiction became the convenient thing to blame. Man, I did that all day long for YEARS. It was very hard for me to accept that I could not lay all of our problems at the feet of addiction, which in turn stalled my early recovery for a long time. I am always impressed by those of you who figure that stuff out early.

dandylion

findingme.....LOL...LOL!.....t here used to be a popular sensitivity poster that said:

IF YOU LOVE SOMETHING...LET IT GO....
if IT COMES BACK TO YOU...IT IS YOURS...
if IT DOESN'T, IT WAS NEVER YOURS IN THE FIRST PLACE.....

O.k,.....I know that sounds kind of corney....but, I think it might apply, just now....

findingme26

Lol! That is definitely corny, dandy! But there's a reason some of those corny old sayings stick around for so long - because there's real truth to them! I do need to find my inner peace and just trust that whatever happens it will be for the best. Not exactly my strong suit!

findingme26

So RAPs housing option fell through this afternoon. She was going to rent a mother-in-law apartment in the basement of one of the other patients in the rehab center. I asked her what her therapist thought about it, but kept my mouth shut beyond that. Apparently the other patient's therapist thought it wasn't such a good idea and advised against it, so the friend pulled the offer. Now RAP is saying that she just wants to come home, after I've already gotten my head in a good space about her being out of the house longer. Gah!

We have a meeting with her therapist scheduled for tomorrow afternoon, so I really hope we can sort through all of this and come to an agreement we can both work with. I just feel like we're spinning our wheels here and want to have a direction to start heading.

LexieCat

Have you/she investigated a sober living house?

findingme26

Yes, she went to check out two of them that are close by. She hated them. You have to share a room and she is super uncomfortable at the thought of sharing a small room with a stranger for months. There are some physical reasons for that, so I get it, but I think she's making a bigger deal than necessary. She's also been spoiled because this rehab facility is privately run and VERY nice. Swanky. The sober living houses are definitely not as nice. Kinda dumpy. And the two she saw were the best ones in the area. Being a social worker, she knows what the other ones are like and she can't stomach them either. So those are pretty much out of the question in her mind now.

LexieCat

Well, I'd think long and hard about the wisdom of bringing her back home too soon. That sense of entitlement is a teensy bit disturbing. Even if she turns up her nose at the sober living house (which personally, I think would be good for her, but if you push for it that's crossing into her side of the street), surely there are rooms for rent, studio apartments, etc.

One of the bits of wisdom I've heard around here a lot (and I think it's very true) is that if you want to find out how committed an alcoholic is to recovery, try telling them "no." You have every right to protect yourself and your kids until you judge for yourself whether it's a good thing for you to bring her back home.

Bekindalways

Hey FM, it certainly would be a simpler decision if she wasn't making recovery work. Those of you who have a significant other in recovery live in a kind of limbo that has its own difficulties.

I hope something works out for housing for her and also hope for clarity for both of you.

Strength, courage and peace to your entire family.