findingme26

I definitely agree with you on the sense of entitlement and that sober living would be good for her. I know she's still emotionally up and down and it wouldn't be a good idea to have her here. Heck, I'm still emotionally up and down too, so it would be a pretty rough road for us both. I did tell her tonight that I thought it was interesting that just last night when we talked, she was all about wanting to have a few months to focus on her own sobriety and agreeing that not coming home was a good idea. As soon as the plan changed today and she was back to searching mode, all of a sudden she is tired and misses being home. I know she's scared and hates not knowing what she's going to do. But I just can't let her feeling scared have that kind of pull on me anymore.

To be fair, housing prices in our city are pretty crazy right now. She has done A LOT of searching on Craigslist and local rental sites over the past few months and just isn't finding anything that works for her. So I do know that she is/has been trying on that front without much luck.

LexieCat

I think you may just have to be prepared to tell her, "Coming back here to live, right now, is not an option." Period. If you and her former home did not exist, she would figure something out. Do you picture her living under a bridge if you say "no"? If she can't find anything else, then she will have to settle for one of her less-preferred options.

teatreeoil007

I've always kind of wondered why monogamous couples who aren't that compatible don't try living apart...then when they do see each other it's more like dating than a ball and chain.. Familiarity breeds contempt ...

dandylion

findingme.....I have a feeling that there is some "subtle" manipulation going on....and, she is indirectly pushing your buttons.....your buttons of your (1) wanting the emotional comfort of having her back in the house (because you are missing her)....and, (2) your "soft" boundary...I say "soft" because if you know that her ;moving back is not wise....why would you go into a situation where her coming back into the house is being negotiated?....it seems, to me, that meeting and compromising means that you will have to "give in" to a certain extent....thus, an erosion of your boundary......

Berkindalways makes a good p o int, I think.....recovery work is very, very, hard on both partners. It requires a wide berth....it requires that she have her sobriety to be her first...First...priority....above everything and everyone else (at this very fragile time)......
Without her sobriety....the whole thing falls into the sea....

If you haven't, already, I suggest you check out the article: "How to tell if your addict or alcoholic is full of crap"....it is in the sticky "Classic Readings".....listed at the top of the main page....

An alcoholic has to learn to live life on life's terms....(like the rest of the world)....
LOL....frankly, her objections to the housing sounds a little "Private Benjamin" to me.....

dandylion

findingme26

Oh, thanks so much for the reading suggestion, dandy! I had read that one a while ago but it was good to go back and read again. I don't think she is bluffing or playing games, but you are right, there is still an element of control there that she is unwilling to give up. Okay, so sober living isn't the Ritz Carlton, but you can't put up with it for a few weeks at least to make sure that you are the healthiest you can possibly be before moving back in and uprooting our lives all over again?

Definitely some good points there that I will be sure to bring with me to our conversation tonight. I can't have her back home right now. I just can't. And she knows it too, so we will see how it goes tonight. Wish me strength...

dandylion

findingme....remember (tonight)....that, it is not that she doesn't have any options....just options that she doesn't like!
In fact, if you got mowed down, today, by a damned ole train....she would have to figure out something......

dandylion

redatlanta

Well.....lets keep in mind you are married. She doesn't have to have your permission to move back in, its her legal residence. With that in mind I would kid glove it if you wish for her to remain outside of the home. If she doesn't want to share a room in a sober living house I would help her find another place.

I don't see this as being a codependent or enabling.......you don't want her back home yet; therefore, assisting her in locating what she needs would be the thing to do. You say she has really put a good effort into finding something.

Its not that I don't agree she is above living in sober living in less than ideal accommodations, I just think sometimes when push comes to shove the law wins. You might end back up at square one, and you can't do anything about it.

findingme26

Tonight went pretty well all around. Her therapist put forth some good ideas that we didn't realize were an option. Basically, she's approved for extended IOP now through insurance. Because this is a small, private facility, they have some leeway in what services they can offer. They are willing to work with her and let her continue to live there as long as her IOP is approved and they aren't at capacity with inpatient program people. She suggested that we can start to try a very slow integration at home, with weekly sessions for the both of us to check in and make sure that things are going okay. So for next week, she's going to continue to stay there every night, but be allowed out on passes for two or three evenings to come home and have dinner and family time with the kids. If that goes well, then maybe we can do an overnight on a weekend the next week. Then maybe an overnight or two during the week after that. I'm on board with this plan because it allows us to spend some more family time together and get used to each other again, but still have the separation of a place for her to go back to. And she will have the support of still being able to see her therapist and go to groups and meetings with the rest of the people in the facility. I'm, of course, going to continue to see my own therapist as well so that I can process my experiences through this and make sure I'm checking in and okay with how things are progressing. If it feels too overwhelming, we can always pull it back and continue to look for an apartment or room for her to rent.

I'm pretty happy with this plan for right now. It feels like taking things really slowly while she still has extra support available is the way to go. I think the only way we're going to know whether this can work or not is if we try a little at a time and see how we do.

findingme26

I get what you're saying here, but honestly, if we are at a point where I'm standing with my foot down saying "You can't come in" and she's asserting her legal right to the residence, then the relationship has deteriorated past the point where we can salvage it. If we can't come to some sort of consensus about how this will look going forward then there isn't much point of going forward. If I say "I can't have you home full time just yet" and she truly can't deal with that fact, then we need to cut our losses and just file for divorce already.

I'm trying very hard to state my needs and what I can and can't handle right now, while also being sensitive to her needs, but not bending over backwards and letting myself get sucked into a situation that I will resent later. It's a delicate balance and not something that comes naturally to co-dependents like us!

findingme26

I don't know, that might work for some people, but I don't think I'm made that way. I want to actually share my life with the person I'm married to! Not to mention, we have kids and it's much better for them to have parents in a healthy relationship in the same house if that's at all possible.

teatreeoil007

True... But I don't know if you are in a healthy relationship yet... But going in that general direction perhaps?

dandylion

findingme.....you are going to do what you want to do......

I just hope that you will continue to learn about alcoholism.....there is such a l ot to know....because, it helps to know what you are up against....
Remember that one of the basics is that the first two years are considered early recovery.....it takes intensive work to work the steps...which is what it takes to change the alcoholic thinking....which changes the feelings...which leads to attitude change...which expresses itself in actions....
This takes time....and, time takes time.....

It doesn't just get tied up in a nice neat bow in 6wks......

So, as long as you know that......

dandylion

findingme26

I don't have any illusions that things are all tied up in a bow now or that they will be anytime soon. I understand how much hard work this is and how hard it's going to continue to be for both of us. I don't expect that she will be back living with us full time for at least two more months at this pace. I am fully aware of the risks involved here. And so is she. If this doesn't work, if we can't successfully integrate slowly, then she will find an apartment. She has to have some income for that to happen, and she will be able to start working while still living at the facility too, which will help provide more support there as well. I want to do this right and the best way for us, but living apart for two years is way too much for me to handle!

LexieCat

fm, sounds like a reasonable plan to me, as long as you don't get ahead of yourself. By that, I mean taking small things that look like (and may, in fact, BE) progress and projecting smooth sailing. You should continue to be ready to walk away if things feel like you're being pushed too fast, pressured, or manipulated.

It sounds like you're looking at this the right way for now, just be cognizant of the natural wish to get everything back to normal and for her to be the woman you'd like her to be. It's very easy to start overlooking warning signs if you want something too much.

Hey, I don't mean to discourage you. Some people have stellar, solid recoveries, so it's not out of the realm of possibility, by any means.

Hugs,

findingme26

Thank you, Lexie. I feel comfortable with this plan for right now. I hear you about wanting everything back to normal, that would be an easy place to slip back to old habits. I'm so thankful though, that I have Al-Anon, my therapist and this group of people that I can turn to and bounce ideas and ask advice if things start to feel wonky for me. One of the biggest gifts I've received through all of this is that I have been able to practice listening to my own gut and instincts and learning how to not ignore my feelings if things just don't feel good. I'm also thankful for the support of RAP's therapist who has said unequivocally that it is going to take time for me to be able to trust the process and me feeling gun-shy and wanting to take things really slowly is completely normal and healthy, which helps RAP understand and back off if I need her to.

I really liked today's "Language of Letting Go" post by honeypig. It's about being "right" or "wrong". I woke up this morning feeling like I needed to defend myself and my decisions, that somehow the path we're trying isn't "right" according to other people's standards. So I have spent some time really thinking about why that is. Why do I feel defensive? Am I questioning my decisions? Am I ignoring sound advice and hiding my head in the sand? I think it really boils down to that old habit of wanting to be in control and needing everyone to agree with me so that I am "in the right". I have no idea what's right, and actually, there really is no one right path for me/my relationship right now. All I can do is pay attention to my feelings, keep my eyes open to the truths around me, and keep myself in a healthy place for my kids. Everything else will take care of itself in whatever way it needs to if I don't try so hard to control things hoping for the outcome I want.

Bekindalways

For what it is worth, it sounds like you are in a good place FM. Keep doing what you are doing. And let us know how we can help.

For some of us, the right thing to do is to run fast and far away. This has the advantage of being simple if not easy. For folks in your situation decisions aren't as simple; you have to live in a kind of limbo ready to pull the plug - AARRRGHH! Lots of prayers for your entire family.

hopeful4

Sounds like a good plan to try out. I am so glad you have a good support system in place as well.

Wisconsin

One thing that I often forgot was that even when I had made my decision and chosen my path, I was always free to change my mind, and that it didn't matter of other people thought I was somehow bound for all eternity to a decision I'd made.

findingme26

Oh man, that is so true for me too. I remember when we were in the middle of the addiction chaos, I said to one of my good friends (who also happens to be a therapist) "I feel so stupid, we just got married in July and stood there in front of everyone saying how happy we were." She said, "Yes you did, and you were. And now you're not. It's that simple!You don't have to worry about what anyone else is thinking." Definitely some wise words there!