The hardest thing I've ever had to do....
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The hardest thing I've ever had to do....
Was to truly forgive someone (actually there are a few) that don't believe they've done anything wrong and will never offer a heartfelt apology that speaks of repentance and true change. To be able to walk forward with my head held high and be a woman of Christ has been a long process-I guess that's always been the point-God rescues us not on mountaintops, but at the lowest of the low places we find ourselves. I've had to really pray and fight to understand the power of His forgiveness of me to offer that to others-even those that are not sorry. And that's ok. I still forgive. Through all of this forgiving has been the hardest, but the best, thing I have done.
Just wanted to share-I know a lot of us struggle with this.
Just wanted to share-I know a lot of us struggle with this.
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I admire you for having the courage to find forgiveness. This is something that I at this time am not even willing to entertain. My daily thoughts are of anger. Anger at him, anger at me. I spend countless hours thinking about all the things I would like to say to him, none of it good. I pray one day I will be where you are now but for some reason I just can't see that far ahead.....
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Yep tough stuff.
I read a quote in one of Madeliene L'engle's books that said:
"It is worse to never forgive than to kill as to never forgive is an eternal choice of the heart while to kill is a momentary act of passion."
After I read this, I started praying for people who had hurt me. At first, the prayers were a bit like holding something stinking and disgusting at arms length. Eventually though I came to see these people as broken as I am and developed almost sense of camaraderie for them as I prayed.
Anyone else have thoughts about forgiveness and how the heck you get there.
I read a quote in one of Madeliene L'engle's books that said:
"It is worse to never forgive than to kill as to never forgive is an eternal choice of the heart while to kill is a momentary act of passion."
After I read this, I started praying for people who had hurt me. At first, the prayers were a bit like holding something stinking and disgusting at arms length. Eventually though I came to see these people as broken as I am and developed almost sense of camaraderie for them as I prayed.
Anyone else have thoughts about forgiveness and how the heck you get there.
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Lilro, I think you were typing at the same time I was.
A monk once told me that the first step in forgiveness was to say, "I'm not ready yet." I liked that. It acknowledged how dingdangdadblasted difficult it is.
A monk once told me that the first step in forgiveness was to say, "I'm not ready yet." I liked that. It acknowledged how dingdangdadblasted difficult it is.
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RO-dang girl, I was on the first step for years. Literally. It took finally seeing that forgiveness, just like anything else, is a choice. We choose to forgive. I don't think I wanted to for a long time bc it allowed me to hang on to my anger-and that anger served it's purpose in my life-I didn't want to let it go. I needed to, for me. So I did. It was difficult and long. And not easy. It's still a struggle but I choose to-I want to forgive.
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Fourourgirls,
I took your advice on my last post and have slowly starded reading your old post. Then I came accross this one. I couldn't agree with you more: forgiveness is a choice.
I made that choice once (not regarding my ABF). I won't go into details here, suffice to say that I was sexually abused as a kid. I'm lucky to have 2 wonderful and well adjusted parents who went above and beyond to make sure that the situation was resolved in a way that cause me the less harm possible. Because of their actions and their handling of the situation, I'm one of the rare "success stories".
The victim label never sat well for me, as I felt it stripped me of my power over my life and meant that my recovery wasn't up to me. For that reason, I could never deal with the pity, and the "oh poor poor you comments". However, I hade that rage inside me. I was angry. I must've been 14 or 15 when I heard about forgiveness. Oh boy did that idea made me laugh! I mean, why would I ever entertain the idea to forgive that person!
But whatever I did, the anger and the rage were still there. I didn't see myself as a victim, never once believed that what had happen to me was my fault, didn't feel ashamed at all, so why was I still angry? Why did I still have these thoughts of revenge. Simply because what had happened to me was unfair. There was no other word for it, it was unfair. And there's nothing you can do about it. And I remebered forgiveness.
Now, to be clear, I didn't choose to forgive because out of the goodness of my heart. I chose to forgive because it was the only way out for me. The only way to stop being angry and vengeful. You could say it was a selfish choice. I chose to forgive because I refused to be swallowed by all that anger and that rage. I chose to forgive because I wanted to be healthy. I chose to forgive so what had happened to me wouldn't define me. I chose to forgive because not doing so would be abusing myself even more than that man ever did.
I chose to forgive, because I chose me.
I took your advice on my last post and have slowly starded reading your old post. Then I came accross this one. I couldn't agree with you more: forgiveness is a choice.
I made that choice once (not regarding my ABF). I won't go into details here, suffice to say that I was sexually abused as a kid. I'm lucky to have 2 wonderful and well adjusted parents who went above and beyond to make sure that the situation was resolved in a way that cause me the less harm possible. Because of their actions and their handling of the situation, I'm one of the rare "success stories".
The victim label never sat well for me, as I felt it stripped me of my power over my life and meant that my recovery wasn't up to me. For that reason, I could never deal with the pity, and the "oh poor poor you comments". However, I hade that rage inside me. I was angry. I must've been 14 or 15 when I heard about forgiveness. Oh boy did that idea made me laugh! I mean, why would I ever entertain the idea to forgive that person!
But whatever I did, the anger and the rage were still there. I didn't see myself as a victim, never once believed that what had happen to me was my fault, didn't feel ashamed at all, so why was I still angry? Why did I still have these thoughts of revenge. Simply because what had happened to me was unfair. There was no other word for it, it was unfair. And there's nothing you can do about it. And I remebered forgiveness.
Now, to be clear, I didn't choose to forgive because out of the goodness of my heart. I chose to forgive because it was the only way out for me. The only way to stop being angry and vengeful. You could say it was a selfish choice. I chose to forgive because I refused to be swallowed by all that anger and that rage. I chose to forgive because I wanted to be healthy. I chose to forgive so what had happened to me wouldn't define me. I chose to forgive because not doing so would be abusing myself even more than that man ever did.
I chose to forgive, because I chose me.
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This is a great, thought provoking post... I don't know whether I have forgiven my xAH.
I know that I don't have the anger and hatred of him that I once did. I feel apathetic more than anything about him.
I don't wish ill will on him but I do not spend time keeping him in my thoughts or prayers, hoping he will get his act together.
I guess I hope that he, like me for myself, will choose to focus on himself at some point and find some peace....
But I guess in my mind at this point in time, I feel like forgiving him for all he's done and continues to do is a gift I am not willing to give just yet....
I know that I don't have the anger and hatred of him that I once did. I feel apathetic more than anything about him.
I don't wish ill will on him but I do not spend time keeping him in my thoughts or prayers, hoping he will get his act together.
I guess I hope that he, like me for myself, will choose to focus on himself at some point and find some peace....
But I guess in my mind at this point in time, I feel like forgiving him for all he's done and continues to do is a gift I am not willing to give just yet....
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wanttobehealthy, The way I see it, forgiveness isn't a gift to him, it's a gift to you.
I don't think it's something you can force either, you make that choice when you're ready to do it.
In a way, for me, that choice has nothing to do with the other person, and everything to do with me. It's what has enable me to move forward. It has also enable me to let go of the not so pleasant memories. Not blocking of repressing the memories, just letting them fade away with time.
I understand that it may be harder for you to think about forgiving, as you have to be in contact with your xAH, and he can still keep on hurting you. I wish I could help you with that, that I knew of a way to forgive someone that still has to be in your life, and keeps doing the same things.
I don't think it's something you can force either, you make that choice when you're ready to do it.
In a way, for me, that choice has nothing to do with the other person, and everything to do with me. It's what has enable me to move forward. It has also enable me to let go of the not so pleasant memories. Not blocking of repressing the memories, just letting them fade away with time.
I understand that it may be harder for you to think about forgiving, as you have to be in contact with your xAH, and he can still keep on hurting you. I wish I could help you with that, that I knew of a way to forgive someone that still has to be in your life, and keeps doing the same things.
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Unforgiveness keeps ME stuck in the same old patterns of anger and doesn't free me-just as much as him being stuck with his demons. It frees YOU-it's a gift to yourself to let go of all you hold on to. And it can be so ridiculously trying at times!!!! Ro-you crack me up 
you'll get there (and I never thought I would!! Trust me!!)
WTBH-I don't wish anything bad on my ex either, regardless of what he does. I always wabted the best for him and that hasn't changed.
you'll get there (and I never thought I would!! Trust me!!)WTBH-I don't wish anything bad on my ex either, regardless of what he does. I always wabted the best for him and that hasn't changed.
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I think there is a place between being resentful and forgiving that is healthy for me.
xAH isn't someone I am going to spend time thinking about forgiveness for bc it requires me to think about those acts that I would forgive.
I do not wish to think about those times.
They aren't part of my life now, I work hard to not replicate the same patterns and I hope for xAH that he gets his act together.
But I am not interested in thinking about the variety of things he has done that I might offer him forgiveness for.
To me, having that be in a box that is in the past and leaving it at that is what Im good with for now...
I guess I see focussing too much on xAH whether it's bc of resentment, anger or bc Im busying myself forgiving him for being a jacka$$ as giving him space in my mind and life that I do not want to share with him...
Maybe in time my mindset will change.
I have gotten decent at separating him out from the rest of my life and only dealing with him at a bare minimum when required and I would prefer to give him as little space in my mind as possible...
I forgave him endlessly for years and all it did was make me sympathetic to him and inclined to lower my boundaries with him.
So, I don't wish him ill will, but forgiveness is different for me at this point in time...
xAH isn't someone I am going to spend time thinking about forgiveness for bc it requires me to think about those acts that I would forgive.
I do not wish to think about those times.
They aren't part of my life now, I work hard to not replicate the same patterns and I hope for xAH that he gets his act together.
But I am not interested in thinking about the variety of things he has done that I might offer him forgiveness for.
To me, having that be in a box that is in the past and leaving it at that is what Im good with for now...
I guess I see focussing too much on xAH whether it's bc of resentment, anger or bc Im busying myself forgiving him for being a jacka$$ as giving him space in my mind and life that I do not want to share with him...
Maybe in time my mindset will change.
I have gotten decent at separating him out from the rest of my life and only dealing with him at a bare minimum when required and I would prefer to give him as little space in my mind as possible...
I forgave him endlessly for years and all it did was make me sympathetic to him and inclined to lower my boundaries with him.
So, I don't wish him ill will, but forgiveness is different for me at this point in time...
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resentments are like drinking poison expecting the other person to die- they only hurt me while the other person is probably not thinking one iota of me, which knowing that can bugger me up.
i dont like being resentful or angry. i had gone through some serious anger and resentments after i finally ended a relationship with a very sick woman(hell, she wanted a relationship with me when i was newly sober..now thats sick!!!
i was a mess!!).
then i read this:
If you have a resentment you want to be free of, if you will pray for the person or the thing that you resent, you will be free. If you will ask in prayer for everything you want for yourself to be given to them, you will be free. Ask for their health, their prosperity, their happiness, and you will be free. Even when you don't really want it for them, and your prayers are only words and you don't mean it, go ahead and do it anyway. Do it every day for two weeks and you will find you have come to mean it and to want it for them, and you will realize that where you used to feel bitterness and resentment and hatred, you now feel compassionate understanding and love.
man was that hard at first!!!!in all honesty, i wasnt prayin good things for her at first.
and i still had no peace.
but then started, begrudgingly, started prayin for her to get what i wanted.
and in all honesty, at first i wasnt wanting good things for me!
and i had no peace.
but that changed. i ended up honestly and sincerely wanted her to get the peace,serinity, and happiness i wanted.
i became free of the anger and resentments and understood much more.
i had peace.
i dont like being resentful or angry. i had gone through some serious anger and resentments after i finally ended a relationship with a very sick woman(hell, she wanted a relationship with me when i was newly sober..now thats sick!!!
i was a mess!!).then i read this:
If you have a resentment you want to be free of, if you will pray for the person or the thing that you resent, you will be free. If you will ask in prayer for everything you want for yourself to be given to them, you will be free. Ask for their health, their prosperity, their happiness, and you will be free. Even when you don't really want it for them, and your prayers are only words and you don't mean it, go ahead and do it anyway. Do it every day for two weeks and you will find you have come to mean it and to want it for them, and you will realize that where you used to feel bitterness and resentment and hatred, you now feel compassionate understanding and love.
man was that hard at first!!!!in all honesty, i wasnt prayin good things for her at first.
and i still had no peace.
but then started, begrudgingly, started prayin for her to get what i wanted.
and in all honesty, at first i wasnt wanting good things for me!
and i had no peace.
but that changed. i ended up honestly and sincerely wanted her to get the peace,serinity, and happiness i wanted.
i became free of the anger and resentments and understood much more.
i had peace.
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I love this thread.
I'm with Kata - I think I only forgive because it frees me, and my horrors were nothing compared to yours (((KATA))).
One day, maybe my forgiveness will evolve to something more pure; like I forgave him because I pity him, or empathize with him or even because I understand we are all humans and all make mistakes no matter the degree of hurt. But today, I forgive him, and wish him a great life, because it's the only thing that gets his actions out of my head - because that just leads to beating myself up for staying.
Forgiving myself...now that is proving infinitely harder.
I'm with Kata - I think I only forgive because it frees me, and my horrors were nothing compared to yours (((KATA))).
One day, maybe my forgiveness will evolve to something more pure; like I forgave him because I pity him, or empathize with him or even because I understand we are all humans and all make mistakes no matter the degree of hurt. But today, I forgive him, and wish him a great life, because it's the only thing that gets his actions out of my head - because that just leads to beating myself up for staying.
Forgiving myself...now that is proving infinitely harder.
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Forgiveness is hard for me - we had a pretty decent conversation about it in this thread about a month ago because I could not wrap my head around what it FEELS like to truly forgive. Like, how could I really KNOW I had accomplished forgiveness?
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ally-mean.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ally-mean.html
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Firebolt. I don't see the "horrors" that happened to me as horrors. It's just something that happened TO me. It says nothing about me, it doesn't define me. Sure, i has caused problems in the past and, just as I chose to forgive, I just to work on those issues instead of thinking they were "part of the package". And I still keep on working on issues when one comes up. If you ask me how my childhood was, then I have to go with: it was fantastic! I have loving parents, friends and an active life. So no, I'm not calling it horrors!
FireSprite, it's hard to say as it's different for everyone. I can tell you how it is for me, and you can see if it can apply to you:
- The memories of the events have faded with time. I know it happened but, as with most memories of one childhood, they're not clear. I have vivid memories of important events from my childhood, but none of those events.
-I don't have nightmares about it. Not even dreams.
-I don't think about it everyday. In fact, I can go a long time without thinking about it.
-when I do think about it, I have no anger or resentment about it. It doesn't "screw me up", make me cry or anything. Not to say that i'm cold about it. I just doesn't really affect me.
-I can talk about it openly. I won't do it often because there's no need, but I can talk about it openly.
-I do not wish him a happy life, but I hope he worked (or works) on himself and does is best to be a decent human being.
Wanttobehealthy, if putting it in a box works for you now, then keep on doing it. No need to force things if it's not a problem now. If the box ever needs to be open and it's content dealt with, you'll deal with it when you get there.
You said that you forgave him endlessly for years, which lead to lowering your boundaries and getting hurt again. Please remember that forgiving and forgetting are two different things. Forgiving that the slate is wiped clean. It doesn't mean he gets your trust again, it doesn't me you lower your boudaries. It just means you forgive. Keep that in mind if and where you feel you need to forgive!
FireSprite, it's hard to say as it's different for everyone. I can tell you how it is for me, and you can see if it can apply to you:
- The memories of the events have faded with time. I know it happened but, as with most memories of one childhood, they're not clear. I have vivid memories of important events from my childhood, but none of those events.
-I don't have nightmares about it. Not even dreams.
-I don't think about it everyday. In fact, I can go a long time without thinking about it.
-when I do think about it, I have no anger or resentment about it. It doesn't "screw me up", make me cry or anything. Not to say that i'm cold about it. I just doesn't really affect me.
-I can talk about it openly. I won't do it often because there's no need, but I can talk about it openly.
-I do not wish him a happy life, but I hope he worked (or works) on himself and does is best to be a decent human being.
Wanttobehealthy, if putting it in a box works for you now, then keep on doing it. No need to force things if it's not a problem now. If the box ever needs to be open and it's content dealt with, you'll deal with it when you get there.
You said that you forgave him endlessly for years, which lead to lowering your boundaries and getting hurt again. Please remember that forgiving and forgetting are two different things. Forgiving that the slate is wiped clean. It doesn't mean he gets your trust again, it doesn't me you lower your boudaries. It just means you forgive. Keep that in mind if and where you feel you need to forgive!
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Kata, it comes down to acceptance.
With acceptance I get freedom from the weight of carrying resentments. It doesn't truly ever FEEL any different because remembering things that hurt you, well.... hurts. Nothing can take away that pain if I choose to revisit the memory but when I let go of the resentments, I let go of the active part that *I've* been keeping alive. Forgiveness is never about the other person, IMO.
With acceptance I get freedom from the weight of carrying resentments. It doesn't truly ever FEEL any different because remembering things that hurt you, well.... hurts. Nothing can take away that pain if I choose to revisit the memory but when I let go of the resentments, I let go of the active part that *I've* been keeping alive. Forgiveness is never about the other person, IMO.
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Firesprite. In my case, there's not much pain anymore. I know, it's weird, but that's how it is for me. But it has also been 22 years since then. So the pain as had time to fade away.
Yes, forgiveness is never about the other person.
Yes, forgiveness is never about the other person.
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