He's Back
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 3
He's Back
So I was on here a few months ago posting how my alcoholic ex had finally left me and his being MIA was hurtful, but I knew the right thing for my own mental and emotional recovery. Your words really helped me through, thank you.
Well about a month ago, just like so many people said he would, he initiated contact with me again, saying in an email that he "was concentrating on the future, and wasn't interested in discussing the past AT ALL," which I read to mean that he still wasn't willing to owning up to his drinking. HE asked to meet for coffee or a drink and wanted to know if I was dating anyone else. I ignored the email. But his initiating contact after almost 4 months of silence came about 3 days before someone I had starting casually dating was coming to visit me in the country I'm currently living in. It all seemed way too convenient to just be a random coincidence to me.
During the time my new boyfriend was here, he made other attempts to contact me: trying to add me back on a messaging service (which I declined) and showing up outside of my apartment complex one afternoon (though I don't think he saw me or realized I knew he was there.) All of these attempts I ignored.
Unfortunately, we are actually legally married and I've begun the process of filing for divorce, which meant I needed to contact him in order to proceed with the paperwork. Unexpectedly, he's been really corporative. I don't like speaking to him, even via email, and I've tried to keep our conversations as businesses like as possible. He's asked me several times if we could meet for dinner or coffee and I've declined them all. He's being very polite and nice to me, which bothers me because I don't want to have to relive all the emotions I went through in the initial break up, and all the months leading up to it really.
I know what he is trying to do, or at least I think I do. He needs something from me-why else would he get in touch after all these months?-and he's being nice to me to get what he wants. I know he hasn't changed, I'm sure he's still drinking and doing exactly what he's done before. I'd moved on in a big way and wasn't looking to open my life up to him again.
I'd appreciate any stories anyone had about similar experiences. Everyone is telling me I'm doing the right thing by keeping my distance. My head knows, and my heart mostly does too, it just helps to have encouragement. Thanks.
Well about a month ago, just like so many people said he would, he initiated contact with me again, saying in an email that he "was concentrating on the future, and wasn't interested in discussing the past AT ALL," which I read to mean that he still wasn't willing to owning up to his drinking. HE asked to meet for coffee or a drink and wanted to know if I was dating anyone else. I ignored the email. But his initiating contact after almost 4 months of silence came about 3 days before someone I had starting casually dating was coming to visit me in the country I'm currently living in. It all seemed way too convenient to just be a random coincidence to me.
During the time my new boyfriend was here, he made other attempts to contact me: trying to add me back on a messaging service (which I declined) and showing up outside of my apartment complex one afternoon (though I don't think he saw me or realized I knew he was there.) All of these attempts I ignored.
Unfortunately, we are actually legally married and I've begun the process of filing for divorce, which meant I needed to contact him in order to proceed with the paperwork. Unexpectedly, he's been really corporative. I don't like speaking to him, even via email, and I've tried to keep our conversations as businesses like as possible. He's asked me several times if we could meet for dinner or coffee and I've declined them all. He's being very polite and nice to me, which bothers me because I don't want to have to relive all the emotions I went through in the initial break up, and all the months leading up to it really.
I know what he is trying to do, or at least I think I do. He needs something from me-why else would he get in touch after all these months?-and he's being nice to me to get what he wants. I know he hasn't changed, I'm sure he's still drinking and doing exactly what he's done before. I'd moved on in a big way and wasn't looking to open my life up to him again.
I'd appreciate any stories anyone had about similar experiences. Everyone is telling me I'm doing the right thing by keeping my distance. My head knows, and my heart mostly does too, it just helps to have encouragement. Thanks.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
Ive had some of the same experiences with my exah. The niceness is just an illusion, at least in my case, and if your gut is telling you this isnt right, then it probably isn't. Keeping it business like is the best thing. When my ex tried to call me I aways let it go to voicemail. I'd listen to it when I felt like it and made sure to email or text my answer if it wasn't important I call him back. Contact kept at a minimal helps keep stress down and unfortunately, when you're divorcing, some contact may be necessary. Maybe everything can just go thru your lawyer if you have one?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
Settle the divorce FIRST, then consider whether you want to talk with or meet with him. In my experience, telling him you need to have this settled so you can both look at things clearly with no strings attached can possibly get him to stay nice until it's done. (Possibly.) At that point you're under no obligation to meet him if you decide it's not what you want.
I wouldn't dive in sooner--at best it muddies the waters, at worst you get sucked in or he gets very angry when your face to face doesn't go his way. Keeping distance until your legalities are final--while he holds out hope for whatever-- is sometimes the best path.
I wouldn't dive in sooner--at best it muddies the waters, at worst you get sucked in or he gets very angry when your face to face doesn't go his way. Keeping distance until your legalities are final--while he holds out hope for whatever-- is sometimes the best path.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Warwick RI
Posts: 1,276
Originally Posted by LaMariposa 
So I was on here a few months ago posting how my alcoholic ex had finally left me and his being MIA was hurtful, but I knew the right thing for my own mental and emotional recovery. Your words really helped me through, thank you.
Well about a month ago, just like so many people said he would, he initiated contact with me again, saying in an email that he "was concentrating on the future, and wasn't interested in discussing the past AT ALL," which I read to mean that he still wasn't willing to owning up to his drinking. HE asked to meet for coffee or a drink and wanted to know if I was dating anyone else. I ignored the email. But his initiating contact after almost 4 months of silence came about 3 days before someone I had starting casually dating was coming to visit me in the country I'm currently living in. It all seemed way too convenient to just be a random coincidence to me.
During the time my new boyfriend was here, he made other attempts to contact me: trying to add me back on a messaging service (which I declined) and showing up outside of my apartment complex one afternoon (though I don't think he saw me or realized I knew he was there.) All of these attempts I ignored.
Unfortunately, we are actually legally married and I've begun the process of filing for divorce, which meant I needed to contact him in order to proceed with the paperwork. Unexpectedly, he's been really corporative. I don't like speaking to him, even via email, and I've tried to keep our conversations as businesses like as possible. He's asked me several times if we could meet for dinner or coffee and I've declined them all. He's being very polite and nice to me, which bothers me because I don't want to have to relive all the emotions I went through in the initial break up, and all the months leading up to it really.
I know what he is trying to do, or at least I think I do. He needs something from me-why else would he get in touch after all these months?-and he's being nice to me to get what he wants. I know he hasn't changed, I'm sure he's still drinking and doing exactly what he's done before. I'd moved on in a big way and wasn't looking to open my life up to him again.
I'd appreciate any stories anyone had about similar experiences. Everyone is telling me I'm doing the right thing by keeping my distance. My head knows, and my heart mostly does too, it just helps to have encouragement. Thanks.
Well about a month ago, just like so many people said he would, he initiated contact with me again, saying in an email that he "was concentrating on the future, and wasn't interested in discussing the past AT ALL," which I read to mean that he still wasn't willing to owning up to his drinking. HE asked to meet for coffee or a drink and wanted to know if I was dating anyone else. I ignored the email. But his initiating contact after almost 4 months of silence came about 3 days before someone I had starting casually dating was coming to visit me in the country I'm currently living in. It all seemed way too convenient to just be a random coincidence to me.
During the time my new boyfriend was here, he made other attempts to contact me: trying to add me back on a messaging service (which I declined) and showing up outside of my apartment complex one afternoon (though I don't think he saw me or realized I knew he was there.) All of these attempts I ignored.
Unfortunately, we are actually legally married and I've begun the process of filing for divorce, which meant I needed to contact him in order to proceed with the paperwork. Unexpectedly, he's been really corporative. I don't like speaking to him, even via email, and I've tried to keep our conversations as businesses like as possible. He's asked me several times if we could meet for dinner or coffee and I've declined them all. He's being very polite and nice to me, which bothers me because I don't want to have to relive all the emotions I went through in the initial break up, and all the months leading up to it really.
I know what he is trying to do, or at least I think I do. He needs something from me-why else would he get in touch after all these months?-and he's being nice to me to get what he wants. I know he hasn't changed, I'm sure he's still drinking and doing exactly what he's done before. I'd moved on in a big way and wasn't looking to open my life up to him again.
I'd appreciate any stories anyone had about similar experiences. Everyone is telling me I'm doing the right thing by keeping my distance. My head knows, and my heart mostly does too, it just helps to have encouragement. Thanks.
You also will get those reminders..keep going.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
What he is doing is a form of manipulation. When he tires of waiting for you to fall for it, expect him to become nasty. That happens a lot.
Expect and prepare for the worst, hope and pray for the best.
Hugs to you.
Expect and prepare for the worst, hope and pray for the best.
Hugs to you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
He's moving forward and doesn't want to talk about the past AT ALL. He asked to meet for coffee OR A DRINK. His niceness means he NEEDS SOMETHING. Trust your gut! And hold on for the backlash - you catch hell when telling an A "no". But your peace in the end will be worth it! You're doing great!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 3
Thanks for the words of encouragement. My sister also pointed out that he was always bad with dealing with problems and tended to let other people make decisions for him, especially big problem ones (which is a big part of the reason I think he has a problem with drinking--attempting to avoid his problems.) His being corporative might be because deep down he knows we really do need to separate, and it's just easier to let me be the one to make the decision and go along with it. It's probably a big sense of relief. Then again, the lawyer just informed me he's yet to respond to her email asking for documentation...so we'll see...
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
"HE asked to meet for coffee or a drink and wanted to know if I was dating anyone else. "
pretty sick how i read this, look back at when i was a drunken SOB, can recall similar words and think, "if i was as smart as i thought i was i would have done a better job of hiding my motives."
the woman i tried similar on was pretty wise and said, f**k off!" and hung up the phone.
nothin like not beatin around the bush to get the message through.
pretty sick how i read this, look back at when i was a drunken SOB, can recall similar words and think, "if i was as smart as i thought i was i would have done a better job of hiding my motives."
the woman i tried similar on was pretty wise and said, f**k off!" and hung up the phone.
nothin like not beatin around the bush to get the message through.
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