lucybb

Feeling terrified as I am planning to tell my AH we're through. Have a retainer with my lawyer and plan for my neighbour to mind my son while I tell him. I'm shaking. I have no idea what to expect. I plan to have with me at the table: my cell phone with the voice recorder app running, my keys so I can press the alarm key for the car if things get hairy (will ask my neighbour to call the police if she hears it go off), a notebook including the pamphlet and list of attorneys that do Collaborative Family Law (as per my attorney's suggestion). Will have front and back doors unlocked and nothing else on the table. He's never been violent, but is emotionally abusive and controlling.

Spoke to his friend (now more my friend) at work this week. He says my AH is very vindictive and extremely controlling of me. He thinks he will fight for custody just for the optics of it. Damn. This might be bad, but it's worse to stay.

He must know this is coming. He seems very down lately and watches me closely as I am being polite but distant.

There are major complications - he is my manager for the next few months. This sucks, but I can't put it off - I am more miserable with him all the time and itching to be free. He has been acting better over the last months, although more subtle about his controlling, which gives me some small measure of hope for this to not go too badly. But who knows. He has been so deceptive for so long, I don't really know who he is anymore.

I plan to keep it simple and drama free from my end.

How did you tell your A it was over?

freetosmile

HUGS!!! You can do this- and it sounds like you have put a lot of thought into your safety, which is paramount!!

You know what is best for you and you have every RIGHT to make this choice. Don't let him lay ANY doubt (you'll have enough of that later from YOURSELF).

Please be safe and be strong!!

(I am still married to AH- so I can't tell you how I ended it)

Tuesday1969

Remember why you are doing this and this will give you strength and calm your nerves.

Maybe even read over your previous threads just to remind yourself what living with him has been like.

You sound like you have planned this really well.

atalose

What is your plan for after you tell him? Are you planning on cohabitating with him and your child?

You have given an attorney a retainer, has the paperwork been drawn up and ready to be served to him?

You sound like you have done some planning but have you thought this all the way through? I mean the telling him right now today part?

Life after this conversation will never be the same and if he’s vindictive then maybe you need to rethink some of this planning.

biminiblue

When I left my abusive ex, I left when he was at work. I took my things that were personal belongings like clothing and stuff I brought with me, and I disappeared.

Good luck. Sounds really tricky. I agree with atalose, maybe get a DV counselor involved with some more planning first. Who is going to be expected to leave? How will that look? How are you going to navigate if he is in control of your work life too? Do you have money should he get you fired or make your work too miserable for you to be there?

lucybb

My intention is to stay and keep the house. I paid more into the house than it is worth and I should be able to keep the payout to him relatively low. I can't force him to leave so I will have to see how it goes.

firebolt

Just sending you strength and support. You sound like you have your ducks in a row. Hopefully your council can advise on arrangements. Do you have a place to go for a month or 2 if he won't leave? At least until the courts decide who can stay?

Hang in there - I imagine you'll have a HUGE feeling of relief when the talk is over. YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING!!!

hopeful4

Hugs to you. Sending you lots of strength! Keep us updated!

XXX

LexieCat

One other thing to consider is that until a custody/visitation order is in place, he has as much right to custody as you do. So nothing to prevent him from picking up your child and refusing to let him come home with you. I'd get the paperwork rolling IMMEDIATELY, asking for temporary possession of the house, temporary custody of your child, and temporary support.

Good luck, maybe he will be reasonable about it, but do expect an explosion of some kind. My very kind and gentle first husband threw a phone across the room (not at me) and had a complete meltdown. He worked very hard on processing it all, though, including professional counseling to help him deal. Of course, he had been sober for fifteen years when I left.

Duckygirl1

((((Hugs)))
Lexie is right, there may be a delayed reaction. My ex husband was dandy for a bit, but started being psycho vindictive down the line. Papers, papers, papers!

MTSweetpea

I like the advice from LexieCat regarding getting paperwork rolling for temporary house possession and child custody. (I didn't know that was a possibility!)
It would be a huge relief to have that in place until more permanent arrangements can be made. The scenario that he has the same rights to custody and might not allow your son to go home with you is scary. So is the thought that he could therefore also pick him up from school at any time and they'd have to let him go.
I hope that your husband will be thinking long-term and not act in a way to jeopardize his future relations with you or your son.
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I hope things go better than you could have hoped for or dreamed of. <3

lucybb

So it is done, and went better than expected with no drama, we will see how things unfold. I sent my son next door and told AH we need to talk. He agreed and said he wanted to talk to me too. He said that he wanted to talk about separation. I said good, so do I. I said I already saw a lawyer and he said he knew. That last week he called a law office and was told they couldn't represent him due to a conflict of interest. So at least this wasn't a surprise. He said he's been miserable for a very long time. Hmm...me too. He said that the main issue is that I am so mean to him all the time (!?!?!) and that I'm mean to everybody - to his family, friends, our coworkers. (Interesting, a few of his friends at work have recently told me they now like me better than they like him and have been complaining about how hard he is to get along with. And later he says he would like me to continue to come to his family events as all of his family really loves me. Also, I have never yelled at him, called him names, told him off - he is in for a rude awakening if he tries to date a normie who doesn't have my high level of tolerance for abuse. ) He says I am always criticizing him and that's why he has been so withdrawn (including the drinking- hmmm...that's a new one I'm sure no one else here has ever heard.) He did say he hasn't had a drink since we came back from our trip 2 months ago (I don't believe it) and he has a been seeing a new therapist and discussing it and will be joining group sessions. I didn't ask for more details as I will believe it when I see it. Good news - he said he wants me to stay in the house as he has never felt like it was really home to him as I did so much to it that I wanted (this is the guy who is so controlling, he decides where I can sit at the table and what pottery can be displayed on the buffet). And he said he doesn't want much paid out (good - I was going to fight to make the amount as low as possible.) Bad news - he wants shared custody. That the only reason he didn't do anything about breaking up before was that he was afraid I would take our son. I said he hasn't had any interaction with him aside from raging at him for most of his life. He denied the raging, said he backed off from doing anything as I was always criticizing everything he did. Ok - not true that it was everything, but if you mean criticizing him when he tries to make our 3 year old watch Dexter or doesn't brush his teeth before bedtime and thinks that's fine, then yes, I criticized. He has been starting to spend nicer time with our son recently - perhaps he will get off his butt and be a real parent finally. I don't know how this will go, but I think a big part of it is that he wants to reduce child support. Also, he has always made the decisions for our son without any of the work. So he wants to retain the power. There was so much denial going on and I did not engage with most of it. But at one point he said he has avoided talking to me about any of this because I am always on the verge of depression (projection? He appears depressed a lot) and I said I avoid talking to him because I have lived in fear so much. He says maybe that is because of my childhood (ha! Again, projection as he has major childhood issues). I said, no I am not the only one who has been afraid of your rages. I told him about how his sister when she was visiting said she never wanted to go on a watermark trip he was pushing for but only went along with him because she was afraid he'd have a temper tantrum. He was silent and said nobody ever said anything to him - I said that is because they are afraid to. He said he had issues from the beginning as I like a lot of stuff and he is a minimalist but I said I would try to reduce and he said he thought he could manage by tidying up after me but got tired out (it's all about what he wants, my wants and needs obviously didn't matter - how about how I would work desperately day after day cleaning and never to his satisfaction.) End result - he already made arrangements to stay at his parent's place for the next month while they're away (I was hoping he would do that anyways) but is hoping to ease the transition for our son by spending some of the evenings here. Not my preference, but we'll see how it goes. There was much more, and although I am clear on the denial and projection etc. I am hopeful about getting this sorted out with a minimum of drama. I am proud that I stayed calm throughout.

LexieCat

Wow, that went about as well as anyone could ever hope for! Don't worry about his delusions about who acted which way. None of that matters. He needs to see it a certain way to save face (or you can call it denial, but people who aren't alcoholics often do the same thing). I practiced saying things like, "Well, I don't see it that way, but we don't have to agree about it." Focus on the things you DO need to agree about--or that you at least need to arrive at a reasonable compromise on.

Shared physical custody isn't usually a great idea even when the parents are very cooperative. I think kids need a "home base." Of course, your son't safety comes first. Hopefully he is working on his issues.

See what happens--some people are able to pull off the divorce thing without too much agony. I was lucky enough to do it twice. Fortunately the only marriage with kids involved was from my first husband, who was sober.

Glad it went so well--I'd still get those preliminary orders in place ASAP.

lucybb

Thanks, I will call my lawyer on Monday. I want to give her an update and get things rolling. He is very concerned about the custody and I didn't get too into it as I want to keep this from getting heated so early on. But I agree with you and think DS should have most of his time here. I told him I want to avoid court and how much it would cost and he agreed. But he said he did some research and if we went to court they would give shared custody in all but the most extreme cases. I will ask my lawyer, but i don't think this is true.

Keeping cautious about all of this as my BS meter went off a lot but it went calmly so I will keep calm and carry on and hope for the best.

LexieCat

I don't know the law where you live, but here it's common for parents to share legal custody (rights for decision-making about schools, medical care, etc.) but for one parent to have "primary" physical custody and the other to have liberal parenting time (they don't like to use the word "visitation"). There are all kinds of possible arrangements, but it's probably best to just take your time and see how things unfold.

searching peace

In my divorce agreement from my first H, there was a provision that stars if we disagreed on things such as medical care, religion, schools and couldn't agree, we would have to go to mediation or back to court. It had been a nightmare!!! I don't have money to constantly go back to court and he won't pay for anything he is supposed to. My stbxah has it in his divorce agreement that if they cannot decide the mom has the authority to make the final decision as far as medical, school and religion. It is great for her, not so much for my stbxah.

lucybb

Reeling from yesterday. Part of me keeps wondering if I am really mean and in denial - I think this is the Codie in me.
Today he was crying and saying he's so sad he may go back on anti depressants. Then said I may want to too. I'm like, nope, I'm just fine.
I am dying to have this finished - no sadness for me - I passed through that stage a few years ago.

redatlanta

I think by the time a marriage is at the point that both parties are willing to divorce that it probably hasn't been a great household for either of you to live in.

Maybe you were mean. Maybe he was. That was then this is now - you are on the same page to separate, and hopefully can co=parent amicably.

lucybb

I think back to situations where he's been upset by how I treated him and they are so messed up. Example, a month or so ago we went to buy a new car seat. I headed to the truck with the employee with a huge box. Struggled with the tailgate and AH is still across the lot, taking his time. So I call out, 'can you come and help with the seat?' And he is enraged and yelling back 'don't yell at me!' Then sulked and angry for the next hour or two. I guess I'm mean and horrible and always yelling at him - humph. He has always said I cannot yell at him. This includes speaking louder. He is also partly deaf, so this has been very challenging. His concept of being mean, being an A includes any time I say anything about his behaviour as he should be above reproach while I am held to impossible standards. How would he manage being with a normie who had no patience for his laziness, lying, and other A behaviours?

redatlanta

Fortunately now that he has agreed to divorce his future is not your problem.