LZ19English

This is my first post so please excuse any mistakes repetitions in subject matter you may spot. My relationship of only eight months with my girlfriend (she's 58, I'm 64) came to a crash and burn. The first 5 months were really wonderful, then her mother passed away in December of last year. Immediately our time together came to a screeching halt. It was certainly understandable, after all her mother had passed. But that's when the relationship started to crack. I thought it was because of the obvious. Our physical time together became less and less, her closeness to me started to fade. Increasingly she became openly aggressive/combative about how I responded to her and her distant dialogue; treatment of me. Frankly she started shutting me out. One day she would be curt with my speak and signs of affections towards her, the next day she was warm and receptive. As time passed she showed less stress about her mother, and less interest in me. I was not allowed to drop by unannounced, nor did she return my calls in a timely manner. So I was quickly our communicating was via phone text. She soon started complaining that she did not want to text so much. AT this point I would assume and wonder if she was secretly seeing someone else. Yet she always claimed to want me in her life, and I knew her loyalty was in tact. She was always home or at her day job. My confusion stemmed from her verbal attacks, always, about why I questioned her treatment or lack of attention towards me. Soon, I became the target of wrong doing. I thought I was going nuts. I was always having to defend my words or my feelings about our waning relationship. She would set me up, I would react and she would pounce. All along, she is still spending time alone in her apartment. The only time we spoke was late in the evenings, when she called me. She was either happy or miserable. And buzzed, or openly drinking while talking on the phone. (This woman is a highly educated doctor/scientist) This behavior remained chaotic for several months. We would do things like shopping, going for walks, celebrate holidays, go to church. Talk about plans, then out of nowhere, the maniacal crazies and recluse would start again. This last time I reacted to her setup, she went ballistic and refused to see. I have returned all her belongings from my apartment and we are for the present, OVER. Not by my choice. I allowed myself to get emotionally invested in her and now I am paying the painful price. It turns out that this woman who I still love and cherish is a secret binge drinker. She hid it from me from the very beginning. I guess when we met, she was sober and really wanted a relationship, but upon her mother's death, her sobriety was over. I introduced her to my kids, my grand kids; took her to my family gatherings, and now I feel like a total loser. Not to mention the trashing of my emotional investment and gut wrenching pain. I'm not angry with this woman, I love her and would try to help her if she asked me to. I would actually take her back BUT only with conditions. But who am I kidding, she loves the bottle. It's her lover, her reason, her living hell.

Duckygirl1

Welcome LZ! Never worry about any mistakes in typing here. Many times we are in such and emotional state its a wonder we can get any words down at all. I am so sorry you are experiencing this pain. We all know it too well. Please read as much as you can here and in other forums. Learn all that you can about the insidious nature of addiction. How have you been taking care of yourself since the split? Are you going to al a non or seeing a therapist. There are many programs that help us deal with the after damage of being involved with an addict.

One of the most important things to understand is that NONE of her behavior was your fault. There was nothing that you could have done diffrent or better. This is a monster that only she can slay. You are not a loser! Not by a long shot! A secret drinker doesn't stay secret for long. Your friends and family would have caught on sooner or later. You actually just saved yourself some major embarassment by having her out of your life. Did you know that she had this issue when you met? I don't see someone becoming a binge drinker like that out of nowhere. This is a progressive condition. This was probably around for some time and she may have decided that she had it beat so it wasn't worth brining up. It was all lying dormant until life happened.

It definitely hurts, and will for awhile. Be good to yourself and give yourself time to heal. Stay connected to friends and family. You are under no obligation to answer people who wonder where missy is or what happened. Most times we're trying to work it out ourselves. Good luck! ((((Hugs)))

LexieCat

Sorry you're dealing with this. I hope you will check out Al-Anon--regardless of whether your relationship resumes, or whether she gets sober or continues to drink, her drinking and behavior affected you, and continues to affect you (feeling like a "loser," etc.).

Ducky hit it on the head, "It was all lying dormant until life happened." Quitting drinking, as hard as that is for some alcoholics, is the easy part. It's STAYING sober, "when life happens," that is the challenge.

Hugs,