Thumper

I filed for divorce and part of that initial filing was an order that I got to use the house and the kids stayed with me. Those were temporary orders and could have changed in the final ruling. FWIW I retained primary custody and the house was split evenly between us. On his end the order itself meant that there was no 'abandonment' for him to worry about. In my case it was in my best interest to be the first to file and ask for those orders. I worked full time and he worked part time and watched the kids while I worked up until the very end when I arranged daycare because I didn't think he was capable of safely watching them. If he'd have filed first - there would have been a chance that he'd have kept the house and the kids would have stayed with him if he made the case he was the primary care giver. I would have fought that decision but it would have been an expensive and stressful situation.

Also - be careful who you talk to. We all need real life people to talk to but joint friends may not be the wisest choice of people to confide in regarding the topic of your marriage, husband, relationship, etc.

Divorce is a tricky situation. My husband wasn't particularly controlling or difficult and even he went off the deep end a little bit. He was a long ways from functioning and had no resources so I pretty much got what I wanted (and in hindsight I should have for sure demanded supervised visitation) but in your case your husband sounds a lot more devious/controlling/abusive already and has resources and is functioning. Time for you to get very shrewd IMO. Talk to your lawyer. Put on your game face. Don't tip your hand.

searching peace

I agree with thumper. I have a temporary order giving me sole use of the home as well. And in my first divorce, I learned very quickly to treat it as I would a business. Keep records, make copies of all texts, emails and get a tape recording to tape the messages he leaves on your cell. Whenever possible keep communication to emails. That way, you will have a paper trail. Again, please don't listen to anything he says. My XH had his own agenda the entire time. There were things going on that I didn't find out about until after the divorce was final. Listen to your gut and don't settle for less than you feel you deserve. My XH had gone in with my parents and given me a gorgeous ring for my 40th birthday. Whenever we were out people would compliment me on it and I always gave him credit. During negotiations, my XH said in front of the lawyers that he wanted all the jewelry he had given to me back. And that he demanded my father pay for the other half of the ring. I said no. I told him that jewelry would go to our daughters one day and he didn't need it. I mentioned this to my father a few months after. My dad told me that he had in fact paid for the entire ring and my XH had never given him one dime for it. My XH lied to me the entire time and took credit for it. He looked me in the eye and lied. He wasn't an A. This was my first clue at how corrupt and ruthless my XH was. And that deceit carried over to every aspect of our lives. I had been married to this liar for over 15 years, three kids and didn't have a clue to the extent of what he was capable of doing and what he would do to me and his kids through the divorce and after. Don't end up like me. Protect yourself and don't listen to anything he spews!

LittleBirds3

I think he will get tired of the responsibility that comes with being an actual parent, and he will back off soon.

I also think you should avoid talking to his/mutual friends about him - that could come back to bite you in divorce/custody discussions (like - it can look like you are putting him down and gossiping about him). Can you vent to a friend who is YOUR friend, not his? Or a family member?

lucybb

I do have my own friends to talk to but this friend is my anchor to reality. He began talking to me some time ago about his issues with my H and it was some time before I confided in him at all. At this point he can't stand my H. He is the only person I know that has seen things besides me - has seen the drinking issues, the trust issues, the controlling. He helps me remember that I am not imagining any of it.

searching peace

I would be careful. In my experience, the men that want to help you and can see your side are usually there to prey on a wounded bird. Not all are like that and he may not be that way. I would just be careful.

MTSweetpea

Some really good points in this message from Thumper. Be the first to file for even the temporary arrangements regarding custody and the house.

I'm thinking that even though this mutual friend began confiding in you before you opened up to him that it might be best to listen to what he says and to say very little in return. What if it's some crazy trap? Certainly don't tip your hand to anyone you two have in common - if word did get back to your AH, he'd be able to prepare himself.

You may have to talk more with those friends outside of your mutual circle with your AH, but they will be there for you. (And supervised visitation might be a good idea, too.)

Stay strong! You've made it through so much already. You can do this!

LexieCat

My thoughts exactly.

Maybe he IS just being a good, loyal friend, but one never knows what will be repeated, even if it isn't with malicious intent. And it isn't unheard of for traps like this to be laid.