First time posting & looking for an ear to listen.
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Chicago IL
Posts: 117
Originally Posted by MrsD 
Well its 9am and he's still down there. There's no bathroom down there & he generally gets up 4-5 times a night... So I hate to think where all that is.
The old me, the caretaker, would've gotten him up & brought him coffee. This me peeked down there to make sure he appears to be breathing, then left him alone. I'm sipping my coffee upstairs reading a book. If he won't change, guess I will.
The old me, the caretaker, would've gotten him up & brought him coffee. This me peeked down there to make sure he appears to be breathing, then left him alone. I'm sipping my coffee upstairs reading a book. If he won't change, guess I will.
Something that has helped me along the way to put things in to perspective is to journal a lot. I have a really hard time with seeing the big picture. I deny how bad things have been during the few times when things are actually going well. Looking back at my journal helps me stay grounded in the reality of how crazy my life with an alcoholic is. I keep my journal digitally at Google, with a password, so that he can't find it. When his denial, or my own, tries to tell me that he hasn't been drinking that many days in the last month, I check. I am not doing it to dwell on the past. I am doing it to keep my denial from convincing me that all is ok, when it is not.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
"D"
Have you ever talked to your kids about what is going on in the house. You would be surprised at how much they all ready know. They hear and see everything. They see how hard their mom works, and step dad doesn't. They know they see how much he drinks.
You might try and have a one on one conversation, you think you are protecting them, but you really aren't. You might be a little surprised!!
Do your homework, educate yourself and the "truth will set you free"
Have you ever talked to your kids about what is going on in the house. You would be surprised at how much they all ready know. They hear and see everything. They see how hard their mom works, and step dad doesn't. They know they see how much he drinks.
You might try and have a one on one conversation, you think you are protecting them, but you really aren't. You might be a little surprised!!
Do your homework, educate yourself and the "truth will set you free"
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by redatlanta
A 1.5 year marriage without children is not going to be the same process as the first one you went through. More like serving a 4 hour sentence in a holding cell as opposed to a 5 year sentence in a penitentiary.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 55
Lexie we have no assets together, I made sure of that. No joint accounts, nothing. I don't even have a penny of debt. He on the other hand, lives off credit. Sometimes I think he's just planning on dying soon and figures he'll never have to pay it back. I sure as hell don't want to end up with his debt.
Legally it would be easy. If I could snap my fingers and make him disappear right this moment, it'd be easy. It's the time it takes, watching someone move out, looking at the empty closet, having him come back for "one more thing," starting to doubt the decision.. I've been through that twice before with him and it was miserable. He has physically moved out of this house twice in 2 years. The process involved with leaving is worse than being alone.
Yesterday I was sad over this. Right now I'm angry. He got up not long after my last post this morning. Nearly 4 hours passed without him saying a word as we sat in the same room. Finally I asked him, "What made you decide to sleep downstairs last night?" Immediately I am nagging, I am at fault, his head aches, he's got things to do, he doesnt want this drama. There's never any drama until he creates it. All I said was that one sentence.
Then he yells "What do you want from me???"
I tell him a sober husband & friend beside me in the bed at night would be a good place to start. Again, he says this is "too much drama." "JUST LET ME WORK ON THIS!! THAT'LL BE MY FULL TIME JOB OK?? Leave me alone!" He has been "working on it" for, what I hear. about 22 years.
I ask him if maybe he could go visit his parents for a while, while he works on it, because I haven't slept for 48 hours now. I'm starting a class tomorrow so that I can get another "no fun" job that's slightly less physically demanding. (I've been doing warehouse work & auto parts delivery for 2 & a half years, I move truck hoods & transmissions all day & I'm 5'6 & 100lbs. My back has had enough.) So.. I need sleep so that I can make it through the next few weeks. I cant sleep with a half naked drunk in my family's home.
To the "Could you visit your parents?" request he answers, "Leave me alone, I'm working." He points to the computer screen. Apparently he doesn't realize my spanish is good enough to know that he's been translating the same page for the past two weeks. He actually turned it in to the company already. He just keeps it on one screen while he browses on the other.
So, I'd truly like him to leave for a while. If he's not willing to try to be a sober spouse, I need him to go elsewhere so that I can rest. But here he sits, telling me to leave him alone, like he's a hormonal teenager & I'm his mom.
What now?
Legally it would be easy. If I could snap my fingers and make him disappear right this moment, it'd be easy. It's the time it takes, watching someone move out, looking at the empty closet, having him come back for "one more thing," starting to doubt the decision.. I've been through that twice before with him and it was miserable. He has physically moved out of this house twice in 2 years. The process involved with leaving is worse than being alone.
Yesterday I was sad over this. Right now I'm angry. He got up not long after my last post this morning. Nearly 4 hours passed without him saying a word as we sat in the same room. Finally I asked him, "What made you decide to sleep downstairs last night?" Immediately I am nagging, I am at fault, his head aches, he's got things to do, he doesnt want this drama. There's never any drama until he creates it. All I said was that one sentence.
Then he yells "What do you want from me???"
I tell him a sober husband & friend beside me in the bed at night would be a good place to start. Again, he says this is "too much drama." "JUST LET ME WORK ON THIS!! THAT'LL BE MY FULL TIME JOB OK?? Leave me alone!" He has been "working on it" for, what I hear. about 22 years.
I ask him if maybe he could go visit his parents for a while, while he works on it, because I haven't slept for 48 hours now. I'm starting a class tomorrow so that I can get another "no fun" job that's slightly less physically demanding. (I've been doing warehouse work & auto parts delivery for 2 & a half years, I move truck hoods & transmissions all day & I'm 5'6 & 100lbs. My back has had enough.) So.. I need sleep so that I can make it through the next few weeks. I cant sleep with a half naked drunk in my family's home.
To the "Could you visit your parents?" request he answers, "Leave me alone, I'm working." He points to the computer screen. Apparently he doesn't realize my spanish is good enough to know that he's been translating the same page for the past two weeks. He actually turned it in to the company already. He just keeps it on one screen while he browses on the other.
So, I'd truly like him to leave for a while. If he's not willing to try to be a sober spouse, I need him to go elsewhere so that I can rest. But here he sits, telling me to leave him alone, like he's a hormonal teenager & I'm his mom.
What now?
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
MrsD.....to me....once you become detached enough and more resolute in what you want...it is much easier to make the move. At that point, things like empty closets aren't like little daggers to your heart. It might not be a Mayday picnic...but i t doesn't hurt your heart so much.
That was my experience, at least.....
dandylion
**alanon would help you with getting to that point....
That was my experience, at least.....
dandylion
**alanon would help you with getting to that point....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 55
We live in a fairly small area. There is 1 al anon meeting place within an hour of here. I tried it once. It was not meant for families of alcoholics, and it was just a small group of men chain smoking. Uncomfortable. I'm sure that's not representative of all AA, but around here, that's it.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
AA and Al-Anon are two completely separate programs. What you went to was an AA meeting. Try googling "Al-Anon" along with your town and state. My guess is you'll find one in the area.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 55
I realize I'm not yet detached enough to make a firm committed decision to avoid some of the pain of seeing him go. I've read on some other threads that the family member tells the A to go and secretly hopes that they'll say, "No, I love you. I'll get help because our relationship is more important." That pretty much doesn't actually happen, but I'm still at that stage. Highly unrealistic, but that's where I've been. Although looking at the back of his head across the room as he has pretended to work for the last 5 hours is guiding me over to the "leave" side a little.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hello Mrs.D, and pleased to "meet" you 
For local meetings try this link:
http://www.al-anon.org/local-meetings
Telephone and email meetings can be found here:
http://www.al-anon.org/electronic-meetings
Mike
Moderator, SR
Originally Posted by MrsD
It's what comes up for this area when you google al anon. We dont have too many choices. There are many more options about an hour's drive away.
http://www.al-anon.org/local-meetings
Telephone and email meetings can be found here:
http://www.al-anon.org/electronic-meetings
Mike
Moderator, SR
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
He will probably leave when he can figure out a way to pick a fight with you and announce he is "LEAVING" due to your behavior rather than leave due to his own.
Congrats on the new job that's awesome to have one not as physically demanding!
Congrats on the new job that's awesome to have one not as physically demanding!
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Omigosh how can you resist throwing a book or a shoe across the room to smack the back of his lying head! Pretending to work and thinking you're stupid enough that you don't know what he's doing GRRRRR! How can anyone with ANY self respect do such a thing? Good Lord at least call him out on it. I don't know how he lives with himself having you carrying his load. He really needs to go to his Mommy and Daddy's. Geesh.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
My guess is that there was once an Al-Anon meeting at the same location as the AA meeting you stumbled into. Sometimes groups fold. If you call the local Al-Anon office, using the website Mike provided, you might find one closer to you. Some groups are better than others at making sure their info is properly updated.
You certainly don't have to make any absolute decisions to leave or to divorce right now. The one thing you might want to keep in mind, though, is that the longer you are together, the harder it might ultimately be to leave, and the more disruptive the chaos and (perhaps) eventual divorce will bring to your children. Teenaged boys and drunk stepfathers can be a volatile combination.
You certainly don't have to make any absolute decisions to leave or to divorce right now. The one thing you might want to keep in mind, though, is that the longer you are together, the harder it might ultimately be to leave, and the more disruptive the chaos and (perhaps) eventual divorce will bring to your children. Teenaged boys and drunk stepfathers can be a volatile combination.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I just wanted to add that if he is "living on credit" - even though you may have no joint accounts, his debt may become 1/2 yours when you legally separate. I would find some legal advice now. In my state all debts become community property. ugh. My ex was awful with money, even owed the IRS $100,000 dollars before we got married and didn't tell me.
It was a mess, let me tell you. I went in with perfect credit. Disentangling was a nightmare. I'll never link myself legally to anyone ever again. I've been divorced 25 years.
It was a mess, let me tell you. I went in with perfect credit. Disentangling was a nightmare. I'll never link myself legally to anyone ever again. I've been divorced 25 years.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
MrsD...if you are hanging on because you really want him to get help and stop drinking so that you can save the marriage.....it may be a very long time before he decides he wants sobriety to truly work at it.
He doesn't sound very motivated, right now.
Either way...you still have to sort yourself out and get some personal clarity for yourself.
I hope that you CAN find an alanon group that you can get to. Many of the churches have a group called Celebrate Recovery that you might also like.
A personal therapist (knowledgable about addictions) can also give you the support that y ou need (in addition to the group).
SR, of course---but, he is going to do what he is going to do---but you need support.
Just keep reading the other stories of the thousands before you who have been in the same kind of dilemma.
There is a way through this.
dandylion
He doesn't sound very motivated, right now.
Either way...you still have to sort yourself out and get some personal clarity for yourself.
I hope that you CAN find an alanon group that you can get to. Many of the churches have a group called Celebrate Recovery that you might also like.
A personal therapist (knowledgable about addictions) can also give you the support that y ou need (in addition to the group).
SR, of course---but, he is going to do what he is going to do---but you need support.
Just keep reading the other stories of the thousands before you who have been in the same kind of dilemma.
There is a way through this.
dandylion
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi MrsD, you're obviously working through things in your head, so no pressure from me on kicking him out.
I just wanted to suggest you do some research on whether you become liable for his debts. You're very wise to have separated your finances so far, but marriage can change everything legally. Divorce, if it comes, might require some settlement that includes you taking on some of his debt.
I just wanted to suggest you do some research on whether you become liable for his debts. You're very wise to have separated your finances so far, but marriage can change everything legally. Divorce, if it comes, might require some settlement that includes you taking on some of his debt.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 55
Thanks all, for everything. Will look into the meetings, I see a couple more options now I couldn't find before. Still working on things, hes had a sober night. I will keep you posted. Staying exhaustingly busy right now, but that's helpful to my sanity.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Las Vegas, NV
Posts: 315
Please think of your kids, be a caretaker to them, they need you. Even if he's not physically abusive it will scar them forever if you don't stop this quickly. Take a look at the Adult Children of Alcoholics forum - there are plenty of us whose parents didn't physically abuse them but we will deal with the ramifications of dealing with alcoholism from a young age.
BTW I married an alcoholic and didn't leave until my kids were grown, so I am not throwing stones here. I wish I had a place like this to go back then. We're all pulling for you here.
BTW I married an alcoholic and didn't leave until my kids were grown, so I am not throwing stones here. I wish I had a place like this to go back then. We're all pulling for you here.
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