First time posting & looking for an ear to listen.
Baby Steps
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Hi mrs D welcome to SR. I'm sorry for what has brought you here. You sound so much like me. I to believe in love and commitment, that's what kept me with ex A for 18 years despite his alcoholism. I hung in because I loved him, still do, unconditional love.
He would talk about our future, we had the same dreams, he also made promises about giving up drinking and seeking help but never did. He gave up at times but wasnt able to sustain it as he didn't seek support. He said to me once "you know me, full of good intentions but no follow through". He was right and like you I kept thinking about what could have been, if only he sought help and gave up drinking. 18 years later he walked out so he could drink unrestricted, no regard for me or his kids only himself. Addiction is a selfish condition and until he seeks recovery his only priority will be drink with no regard or concern for you or your children.
I wasted so much time Waiting for the life that could be, instead of living the life I wanted. Please don't make the same mistake, you deserve so much more as do your children.
He would talk about our future, we had the same dreams, he also made promises about giving up drinking and seeking help but never did. He gave up at times but wasnt able to sustain it as he didn't seek support. He said to me once "you know me, full of good intentions but no follow through". He was right and like you I kept thinking about what could have been, if only he sought help and gave up drinking. 18 years later he walked out so he could drink unrestricted, no regard for me or his kids only himself. Addiction is a selfish condition and until he seeks recovery his only priority will be drink with no regard or concern for you or your children.
I wasted so much time Waiting for the life that could be, instead of living the life I wanted. Please don't make the same mistake, you deserve so much more as do your children.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
If it seems like we're reading your mind, it's because so many of us have been in the exact same place, felt the exact same things, done the exact same things. Living with an active alcoholic makes anyone a little crazy, to one degree or another.
When we begin to SEE what is real, and what is really going on with us, and in our relationships, only then can we begin to do something about it.
When we begin to SEE what is real, and what is really going on with us, and in our relationships, only then can we begin to do something about it.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
One thing about power. It's important to maintain perspective about it.
In Al-Anon (highly recommended, BTW), the First Step is admitting we are powerless over alcohol. In a knock-down/drag-out between us and alcohol, alcohol will win every single time. We also lack power over other people, and many situations. But we DO have power over ourselves--our thinking, our reactions, our decisions. Most of us wasted a lot of energy trying to change the alcoholic. When we put that energy into changing OURSELVES, that's when our lives can really change for the better.
In Al-Anon (highly recommended, BTW), the First Step is admitting we are powerless over alcohol. In a knock-down/drag-out between us and alcohol, alcohol will win every single time. We also lack power over other people, and many situations. But we DO have power over ourselves--our thinking, our reactions, our decisions. Most of us wasted a lot of energy trying to change the alcoholic. When we put that energy into changing OURSELVES, that's when our lives can really change for the better.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Mrs. D- I always look at the name you call yourself. I noticed you called yourself "Mrs", instead of "D" which is probably your first name or last name. You are right when you say that you recognize yourself as a wife and mom, not as D. That is a huge statement. That is something to do with self esteem. (which none of us have when we walk in the doors of SR)
You are right when you said that you moved to quick on marrying again, you wanted the "perfect" family that you didnt have in your first marriage. When you read SR they recommend that you NOT jump into another relationship but to get to know yourself. Make decisions for you and your kids. It will be the hardest thing you will have to do, but at some point you will to face this on your own.
There is a lot of us out there that didn't want to get a divorce, none in my family or X's. I didn't agree with divorce, I thought it was for people who didn't love there spouses. My therapist told me that it is harder to get a divorce then stay in a rotten marriage.
I just divorced my X after 26 year marriage and 34 years together. Hardest thing I have ever done, as I new no other life then with my X. But all I did was ENABLE him to act the way he did. Come and go as he pleased, treated me awful. I allowed it and he did it. His first love is alcohol not me. I will never come first in his life while he is drinking. I could no longer live like that, and he couldn't "live" without it. A's say's its like oxygen to them, they need it to live. It's sad, but my life is way to short to waste it on someone who is killing himself and I am enabling him to do it. It took me a long time to accept that I could not "fix" him and make him the way I want him to be. (the right way???)
"D" keep reading SR, try and hit an alanon meeting or an open AA meetiong. It will click and you will come to terms with your marriage. Take your time and with the support here, your life will get a "little" better.
(((((((((((hugs my new friend))))))))))
You are right when you said that you moved to quick on marrying again, you wanted the "perfect" family that you didnt have in your first marriage. When you read SR they recommend that you NOT jump into another relationship but to get to know yourself. Make decisions for you and your kids. It will be the hardest thing you will have to do, but at some point you will to face this on your own.
There is a lot of us out there that didn't want to get a divorce, none in my family or X's. I didn't agree with divorce, I thought it was for people who didn't love there spouses. My therapist told me that it is harder to get a divorce then stay in a rotten marriage.
I just divorced my X after 26 year marriage and 34 years together. Hardest thing I have ever done, as I new no other life then with my X. But all I did was ENABLE him to act the way he did. Come and go as he pleased, treated me awful. I allowed it and he did it. His first love is alcohol not me. I will never come first in his life while he is drinking. I could no longer live like that, and he couldn't "live" without it. A's say's its like oxygen to them, they need it to live. It's sad, but my life is way to short to waste it on someone who is killing himself and I am enabling him to do it. It took me a long time to accept that I could not "fix" him and make him the way I want him to be. (the right way???)
"D" keep reading SR, try and hit an alanon meeting or an open AA meetiong. It will click and you will come to terms with your marriage. Take your time and with the support here, your life will get a "little" better.
(((((((((((hugs my new friend))))))))))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 55
Thank you maia!
It's funny you pointed out my user name, I ALMOST pointed it out myself after reading my own comment about my identity as a wife and mom. And the only other time I had a username on a site once before many years ago... it was justamom.
And, umm... the "D" is actually the first letter of his first name. I'll just go ahead & roll my eyes at that for you.
It's funny you pointed out my user name, I ALMOST pointed it out myself after reading my own comment about my identity as a wife and mom. And the only other time I had a username on a site once before many years ago... it was justamom.
And, umm... the "D" is actually the first letter of his first name. I'll just go ahead & roll my eyes at that for you.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: UK and Australia
Posts: 447
Not much to add Mrs D except welcome to SR.
I am glad you found us.
Many of us here have walked in your shoes. Many of us are still walking in them.
SR and Alanon keep me sane. So much strength, support and experience here and as we say at Al Anon take what you like and leave the rest.
Take care of You first and foremost and the rest will follow.
All the best Phiz
I am glad you found us.
Many of us here have walked in your shoes. Many of us are still walking in them.
SR and Alanon keep me sane. So much strength, support and experience here and as we say at Al Anon take what you like and leave the rest.
Take care of You first and foremost and the rest will follow.
All the best Phiz
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 89
I'm very sorry that you find yourself needing this site, but very glad that you are here. It's a good place to air your thoughts, get others' insights and take an emotional and mental step back so that you can see where you want to go next. It sounds like you have a lot to work through in your own mind.
About eating your son's meal -- I would be outraged, personally. You did *not* over-react. That was the most selfish thing, especially given your son's autism. Your son was planning on eating that when he could. That's what would have gotten me more than anything else. Mess with me, well I may forgive you. Mess with my kids, all bets are off! You must have felt hurt on behalf of your son, I'm sure.
Anyways, read all you can and listen to your instincts. You'll figure out what is best.
About eating your son's meal -- I would be outraged, personally. You did *not* over-react. That was the most selfish thing, especially given your son's autism. Your son was planning on eating that when he could. That's what would have gotten me more than anything else. Mess with me, well I may forgive you. Mess with my kids, all bets are off! You must have felt hurt on behalf of your son, I'm sure.
Anyways, read all you can and listen to your instincts. You'll figure out what is best.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 55
Frustrated update. He came home this evening instead of running off to his parents, he came home & said he wanted to work on the marriage. I was glad. He took his son out to a movie & dropped him back off at his home, and then came home what seemed like a little late for what time the movie ended. I was partially asleep on the couch because I was waiting on my older son to come home. Noticed husband was drinking out of his plastic cup, that means beer.
My son came home & I woke up, I saw that my husband was no longer in the living room & nowhere to be found. I saw his car was home, so I went to bed, stupidly thinking maybe he had run down to the basement for something.
He never came to bed, so at 2:30 am I went down to look for him. He was asleep on an old couch, no pants on, unfinished beer in hand. I asked him "What are you doing down here?" He mumbled "I don't know."
So frustrating.
He used to at least be sorry for a day & take an antabuse anti-drink pill and try to give the impression he was making an effort. I don't even know how to talk to him about this anymore. I don't want to cause a scene arguing when the kids can hear us.
It's never gonna get better for him is it?
Goodnight
My son came home & I woke up, I saw that my husband was no longer in the living room & nowhere to be found. I saw his car was home, so I went to bed, stupidly thinking maybe he had run down to the basement for something.
He never came to bed, so at 2:30 am I went down to look for him. He was asleep on an old couch, no pants on, unfinished beer in hand. I asked him "What are you doing down here?" He mumbled "I don't know."
So frustrating.
He used to at least be sorry for a day & take an antabuse anti-drink pill and try to give the impression he was making an effort. I don't even know how to talk to him about this anymore. I don't want to cause a scene arguing when the kids can hear us.
It's never gonna get better for him is it?
Goodnight
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi MrsD, he's got a pretty good gig there, hasn't he? A nicely kept home, doesn't have to work too hard, not a lot to worry about with the children, some pocket money for beer.
I'm not a believer in unconditional love. It can happen, but chances are it's been earned over many years of sharing, compromise and consideration. I bet during your first marriage you looked at other couples and idealised their marriages, right? But you talk to anybody in a long term successful relationship and you'll hear that they've both worked very hard to make it that way. Your AH isn't working even a little bit, in fact he's leeching your energy. All the effort is on your side, and his contribution is a few promises which keep you on the hook for a while.
I've seen friends of mine who really value family life remarry quickly, and it almost never works because they're idealising their partner. You have a choice to be a strong independent woman who calls the shots, or a willing victim. I'm pretty sure you never want to be a victim again.
As you know, there are plenty of divorced people out there. I'm not sure about the men, but the women seem to gather together, form great friendships and have a lot of fun. I don't see many of my divorced women friends sitting around mourning over lost love. If you've been stigmatising divorced people in your mind, you might want to think again, maybe even get to know a few and enjoy yourself.
I'm not a believer in unconditional love. It can happen, but chances are it's been earned over many years of sharing, compromise and consideration. I bet during your first marriage you looked at other couples and idealised their marriages, right? But you talk to anybody in a long term successful relationship and you'll hear that they've both worked very hard to make it that way. Your AH isn't working even a little bit, in fact he's leeching your energy. All the effort is on your side, and his contribution is a few promises which keep you on the hook for a while.
I've seen friends of mine who really value family life remarry quickly, and it almost never works because they're idealising their partner. You have a choice to be a strong independent woman who calls the shots, or a willing victim. I'm pretty sure you never want to be a victim again.
As you know, there are plenty of divorced people out there. I'm not sure about the men, but the women seem to gather together, form great friendships and have a lot of fun. I don't see many of my divorced women friends sitting around mourning over lost love. If you've been stigmatising divorced people in your mind, you might want to think again, maybe even get to know a few and enjoy yourself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 55
The strongest, most independent women I know are divorced. I guess I'm over the stigma. I just know divorce is so damn painful & I don't want to put the kids through this again. I really have no idea what I'm doing.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Originally Posted by MrsD 
The strongest, most independent women I know are divorced. I guess I'm over the stigma. I just know divorce is so damn painful & I don't want to put the kids through this again. I really have no idea what I'm doing.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Staying with this man will be MUCH harder on your kids than a divorce would be--there are many, many adult children of alcoholics on this forum who wish that their sober parent had divorced the alcoholic parent and spared them years of misery during their childhood. Something to think about.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 55
Well its 9am and he's still down there. There's no bathroom down there & he generally gets up 4-5 times a night... So I hate to think where all that is.
The old me, the caretaker, would've gotten him up & brought him coffee. This me peeked down there to make sure he appears to be breathing, then left him alone. I'm sipping my coffee upstairs reading a book. If he won't change, guess I will.
The old me, the caretaker, would've gotten him up & brought him coffee. This me peeked down there to make sure he appears to be breathing, then left him alone. I'm sipping my coffee upstairs reading a book. If he won't change, guess I will.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
"I just know divorce is so damn painful & I don't want to put the kids through this again. I really have no idea what I'm doing".
Living in a house with an alcoholic is way more painful. Watching a man abuse your mother is way more painful. Being treated as if you don't exist is way more painful. Wondering why your mother subjects you to a jerk is way more painful. Watching your mother work herself to the bone to support a lazy man who won't give you the time of day is way more painful. Going downstairs and finding your step father half naked and passed out on the couch is way more painful.
If your current husband does not pay any attention to your children I imagine there is no love lost on their end so perhaps you should think about statements about how him not being there would be hard for them. In truth it would be hard for YOU.
A 1.5 year marriage without children is not going to be the same process as the first one you went through. More like serving a 4 hour sentence in a holding cell as opposed to a 5 year sentence in a penitentiary.
This is just food for thought. Deciding to end a relationship is a process as is deciding what to do with an Alcoholic. Glad you found us post often. There is lots of support and knowledge here.
Living in a house with an alcoholic is way more painful. Watching a man abuse your mother is way more painful. Being treated as if you don't exist is way more painful. Wondering why your mother subjects you to a jerk is way more painful. Watching your mother work herself to the bone to support a lazy man who won't give you the time of day is way more painful. Going downstairs and finding your step father half naked and passed out on the couch is way more painful.
If your current husband does not pay any attention to your children I imagine there is no love lost on their end so perhaps you should think about statements about how him not being there would be hard for them. In truth it would be hard for YOU.
A 1.5 year marriage without children is not going to be the same process as the first one you went through. More like serving a 4 hour sentence in a holding cell as opposed to a 5 year sentence in a penitentiary.
This is just food for thought. Deciding to end a relationship is a process as is deciding what to do with an Alcoholic. Glad you found us post often. There is lots of support and knowledge here.
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