fluffyflea

Normal to be sad...........

Alcoholism is an unforgiving disease........

healthyagain

I am so sorry, but somber, she should be the one trying to work things out. She should be thinking of the kids and how they are going to feel. That's what being a mother is all about. Right? Isn't it mind blowing how they simply do not care? How they get so spiteful? How they turn things and in the end it even seems that it is all our fault?

Somebody mentioned, "and take your damn cat" comment. That is my alcoholic hubby 100%; only we have a damn dog, not cat. And my hubby tells me to leave. Another difference. But at one point, you just cannot take it anymore. And this is when good things start happening.

Jaeger

Somber,

I am so sorry you are going through this. Please find an Al-Anon meeting. May I ask how old your kids are?

Catherine628

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I had to do it too.

I don't know how old your kids are but the school guidance counselor might be able to help your family and would know of local resources.

When I first left a friend suggested I write down all the reasons I left and reread it when I started to doubt or think everything was my fault. Alcoholism is an incredibly difficult thing to deal with on all sides.

Your children deserve a stable home. Kudos to you for providing one. I've been reading up on the effects of growing up in an alcoholic home (Claudia Black has some good stuff) and its heartbreaking.

I second getting real life support whether its al-anon, counselor, pastor. Good luck to you and keep posting. Many of us have walked this walk and know how brutally difficult it is.

Somber

Our kids (hers, mine, and ours) are 10, 11, 16, 18, and 24. The oldest two left home as soon as they were old enough to do so. I constantly feel guilty over the way I have allowed her to verbally abuse my oldest daughters (the 16 and 18 year olds). A few weeks ago I came home to the 16 year old crying about how she had yelled at her about how she wasn't welcome in our home. She did similar things with the 18 year old till she left.

I'm not crying anymore but the hurt is still there. All the kids birthdays are within a month of each other (one was yesterday and one is tomorrow) and she has been texting me about the gifts she has picked up with all kinds of smiley emoticons.

I can't help but feel she is drinking now and I'm worried that she's out there drinking heavily and just waiting to come back when the kids get home.

INgal

Somber, get your kids and hug them and tell them it will be alright. She is thir mom and will always be in their lives in some capacity, but she is ill and needs to get better. Wish there was something all of us could do. Know that you did the right thing. Your are a brave man and an excellent father.

Jaeger

Somber,
I think they are old enough to understand why you asked her to leave. I agree that you need to have a talk with them but it might not be as bad as you expect. Your kids may actually feel relieved.

LexieCat

I know this is a tough thing to contemplate, but if she shows back up at home and refuses to leave, your only option may be to call the police or child protective services and tell them she was driving drunk with the child in the car. You obviously can't leave, yourself, and leave the children with her, and it's not really feasible for you and the kids to leave.

Regardless of that, you might want to file for divorce or a legal separation to establish your right to custody of the kids and temporary possession of the house. Without some kind of order in place, you have no legal right to keep her out of the house, or to prevent her from taking the kids. I'd talk with an attorney as soon as possible, just to find out what your options might be. It doesn't obligate you to do anything until you decide to, and many lawyers will provide you with a free consultation.

I'm sorry, I know how difficult this must be.

Somber

I can't help but contemplate the decisions that have led me to this point in my life.

With my first wife we were young and liked to party. We got married and had two kids. When they were 2 and 4 she just up and left us. Times were TOUGH. By the time I had us in a position where we weren't bordering on homelessness I had pretty much sold everything in the house since I refused to accept any kind of public assistance. But we did it and I vowed I would never be put in that position again.

There were times when I worked two jobs, sold plasma (blood), and went to college in the evening to get my career where it needed to be so I could supply my family with a stable life.

When I met my current wife she didn't drink and I don't drink. I still don't know why it started or how I left it spiral out of control like this or how I could let this happen to my family.

littlesister1

You did not "let" this happen to your family
You did not "let it spiral out of control"

This is a result of your WIFE'S DECISIONS

You have made the first step towards change, congratulations!

AliWProk

Somber, for one thing, it's not all your fault. Especially her drinking - totally not your fault. The only person you can control is yourself. I recommend Al Anon to help with that, and Ala Teen for the kids.

SparkleKitty

Somber do you have any experience with addiction in your family? A parent, grandparent, anything like that?

DoubleDragons

Somber, I am so terribly sorry for all of your pain. My mother is an alcoholic and my father has been her extreme enabling codependent since I can remember. There is no doubt in my mind that he would allow myself, my sister, and our kids to be in harm's way if it meant pleasing her and that hurts to my core. Honestly, sometimes I don't know who I am more angry and hurt by or which one is sicker, my mother or my father. What you are doing is taking the healthiest steps that you can for your children and yourself and I commend you for it. It isn't easy, but nor is life with an active alcoholic. My father has become a shell of himself. My parents are isolated from all extended family members because of my mom's problem. The saying you see here a lot is "Let go or be dragged." And ironically, what you are doing now is the most loving thing that you could do for her, even if it doesn't feel that way. It gives her a best chance at a rock bottom. (although, as you know, there are no guarantees) You sound so much like my dad when you say that you moved for her and everything. My dad has tried to fulfill every material desire that my mother has (they are wealthy and so she lacks for nothing) with the idea that the particular thing would make her happy and quit drinking and not one of it, has been the answer. Happiness is an inside job, and a personal job. Your job is to work on your happiness so that your children and grandchildren have at least one healthy parent to look up to and to enjoy your company. My prayers and hope are with you!

Somber

On her side no. On my side I honestly don't know. I came from an abusive home myself and left when I was 17 and never went back.

firebolt

I'm so sorry for you and your family. Stick around - so much support here, and SO much empathy!

CodeJob

It might sound a little out there, but if sitting in your home is depressing you and a few birthdays are on the calendar, just go on that trip without AW.

Butterfly

Hi somber and welcome, I am so sorry for what you are going through. What the others have said is correct, baby steps.

Breath slowly you will get through this and I understand it doesn't feel that way now but you will by taking baby steps.

((((((Hugs))))))

F50Lurker

amen to what Tonks said. I grew up in an alcoholic home and I wished all the time that my parents would divorce and the crazy drama would end. They never did.

FeelingGreat

Somber, be aware that the 'love you's and promises and going to meetings and all sorts of attempts to pull you back in will probably start now.

I'm horrified that she drove your daughter away, and told your other daughter she wasn't welcome. Think about this when the easiest course seems to be to let her back into the house.

Refiner

Maybe a little of her own medicine is in order and WHEN she shows up (and she WILL) you tell her SHE is the one not welcome in the home. What an entitled witch.