New to forums; Sad day...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 8
New to forums; Sad day...
After years of living with my AW I couldn't take it anymore. I came home early from work yesterday and she was driving one of our children around drunk (again) and I just gave up.
I woke up early and told her I wanted her to leave. I was hoping she would argue and fight to stay but her first comments were mean and spiteful then she started packing after the kids got off to school.
I'm so sad. Even now I want to tell her to stay. That we can work through it. But I can't. It's been years of abuse for the whole family.
But damn I'm so sad right now...
I woke up early and told her I wanted her to leave. I was hoping she would argue and fight to stay but her first comments were mean and spiteful then she started packing after the kids got off to school.
I'm so sad. Even now I want to tell her to stay. That we can work through it. But I can't. It's been years of abuse for the whole family.
But damn I'm so sad right now...
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
It is terribly sad, but you cared enough about your children to do it, which was really brave. It's horrifying that she was driving with the children.
What next? What support do you have for yourself and them?
What next? What support do you have for yourself and them?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 865
Hi Somber - I am so glad you posted and sorry to hear about your pain. I can relate.
I was so afraid to tell my husband that I was leaving I could hardly get the words out of my mouth. I also told mine in the morning, that is when he was sober. I also had hopes that when he heard me say I was leaving he would turn around and say "No, I will get better, we can work this out". But nope, like your wife, his words were mean and spiteful. He said "What?, well take your damn cats with you."
It wasn't until after we attended counseling that he admitted he was hurt when I told him to leave, but he was also mad at himself that he could not stop the drinking and get help to get me to stay.
This is a horrible disease and can break to you to your core.
You will read and hear often to take care of yourself, so please do. Keep posting.
Do you have any plans to attend Alanon or another recovery group? I highly suggest you consider it.
I was so afraid to tell my husband that I was leaving I could hardly get the words out of my mouth. I also told mine in the morning, that is when he was sober. I also had hopes that when he heard me say I was leaving he would turn around and say "No, I will get better, we can work this out". But nope, like your wife, his words were mean and spiteful. He said "What?, well take your damn cats with you."
It wasn't until after we attended counseling that he admitted he was hurt when I told him to leave, but he was also mad at himself that he could not stop the drinking and get help to get me to stay.
This is a horrible disease and can break to you to your core.
You will read and hear often to take care of yourself, so please do. Keep posting.
Do you have any plans to attend Alanon or another recovery group? I highly suggest you consider it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 8
Thanks for the kind words.
I don't have any support. I quit my job of 16 years and got a new one across the country so we could be closer to her family. The hope was a new start and to be closer to people she could get support from. But nothing changed...
I don't have any support. I quit my job of 16 years and got a new one across the country so we could be closer to her family. The hope was a new start and to be closer to people she could get support from. But nothing changed...
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Somber...I can relate to the sadness. It is like a kick to the gut...and feels consuming.
I hope you can cry. I assume that you are a guy....and, I know some guys hate to cry. But, I maintain that God gave both genders tear ducts for this very purpose.
It will help to let it out.
Try to look at it this way: It was the most loving thing you could do for her and your self and kids. Nothing changes if nothing changes. Maybe this will be a real wake up call for her to cut through the denial.
Sometimes, the right thing and the hardest thing are the same thing.
You are going to need support. This is too hard to walk alone.
There is much to learn, also.
I am glad you came here to post....
dandylion
I hope you can cry. I assume that you are a guy....and, I know some guys hate to cry. But, I maintain that God gave both genders tear ducts for this very purpose.
It will help to let it out.
Try to look at it this way: It was the most loving thing you could do for her and your self and kids. Nothing changes if nothing changes. Maybe this will be a real wake up call for her to cut through the denial.
Sometimes, the right thing and the hardest thing are the same thing.
You are going to need support. This is too hard to walk alone.
There is much to learn, also.
I am glad you came here to post....
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,236
Reading what you wrote reminded me of
what my fist husband told me I would have
to do if I were to ever return to the drink.
Back in 1990, my husband and his family
did an intervention on me getting me help
I desperately needed that time in my life.
Here I was in my 8th yr, marriage, a mom
of 2 little ones and wanting to end my miserable
failure of a life because I couldn't control my
drinking no matter how hard I tried.
On a court order I spent 28 days in rehab
learning about my addiction to alcohol and
learning healthy ways to live life one day
at a time without it.
When I returned home, I was still filled
with lots of resentments for what my
spouse had done to me and after he
gave me an ultimatum about if I ever
picked up a drink again then I would
be out on the street.
How dare him tell me that.
Sooooo, I decided to do whatever I needed
to do to remain sober for me and not him.
I was not gonna let him tell me what I
needed to do to remain sober because
he had no idea what an alcohol truly was
because he wasn't one.
I always figured it took an alcohol to
know or be one and he and my kids
where not alcoholics or ever had an
addiction problem.
My marriage ended at 25 yrs. and
both of our kids graduated college,
married and are living healthy, happy,
prosperous lives in Texas where I
finally returned to my hometown here
in Baton Rouge, remarried for 6 yrs now
living a healthy, happy and honest life
in recovery.
I guess for me, it was the lack of
communication and understanding
I wanted and needed from my spouse
that eventually became the culprit in
our marriage.
Im grateful that family stepped in
to help me 24 yrs ago, because if
I hadn't become willing, openminded
and stubborn in wanting to live life
sober, then I could have ended up
on the street dead, crazy or in jail.
what my fist husband told me I would have
to do if I were to ever return to the drink.
Back in 1990, my husband and his family
did an intervention on me getting me help
I desperately needed that time in my life.
Here I was in my 8th yr, marriage, a mom
of 2 little ones and wanting to end my miserable
failure of a life because I couldn't control my
drinking no matter how hard I tried.
On a court order I spent 28 days in rehab
learning about my addiction to alcohol and
learning healthy ways to live life one day
at a time without it.
When I returned home, I was still filled
with lots of resentments for what my
spouse had done to me and after he
gave me an ultimatum about if I ever
picked up a drink again then I would
be out on the street.
How dare him tell me that.
Sooooo, I decided to do whatever I needed
to do to remain sober for me and not him.
I was not gonna let him tell me what I
needed to do to remain sober because
he had no idea what an alcohol truly was
because he wasn't one.
I always figured it took an alcohol to
know or be one and he and my kids
where not alcoholics or ever had an
addiction problem.
My marriage ended at 25 yrs. and
both of our kids graduated college,
married and are living healthy, happy,
prosperous lives in Texas where I
finally returned to my hometown here
in Baton Rouge, remarried for 6 yrs now
living a healthy, happy and honest life
in recovery.
I guess for me, it was the lack of
communication and understanding
I wanted and needed from my spouse
that eventually became the culprit in
our marriage.
Im grateful that family stepped in
to help me 24 yrs ago, because if
I hadn't become willing, openminded
and stubborn in wanting to live life
sober, then I could have ended up
on the street dead, crazy or in jail.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 588
I'm so sorry it's come to this for her and that you and your children are going through this. This disease is insidious. The fact that your wife would drive her children around drunk and would rather leave you all for drinking lets you know the depth of her illness. The things to remember right now are that NONE of it is your fault, does not reflect on your worth as a partner and there is no way for you to cure it. She must come to her senses. Nor does this sea a bleak future for you and your kids. Keep reading and posting. The years of experience and wisdom here have pulled me through many bleak nights.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,236
I had a moment to go sit outside and
reflect on your topic and share and what
I wrote to you regarding this sad situation.
Ive learned so much over the past 24yrs.
in recovery and am able to study my own
situation and its similarities to yours and
others.
My 1st husband had the opportunity to
attend al-anon as a suggestion when I
entered rehab. He was able to learn about
being the spouse of a loved on with an
addiction and how to take care of himself
while I was learning to take care of me.
Having different programs available to
all members of the family to get involved
in so the entire family can get healthy
and learn to be happy is the glue that
would bond the family together instead
of splitting apart.
In my situation, my busy husband did
attend maybe several meetings to pick
up the word detachment and then felt
like he was cured. My 2 little ones remained
busy with school and band and none of
them ever skipped a beat remaining busy
in life.
Many times the family was off balanced
like we were all living on different planets
causing frustration, disagreements and such.
I recall a many a times saying that my
then husband was the calm in my storms
of life and recovery. As I was growing and
changing in recovery many times my pains
were unbearable, but his calmness to not
give into me was his saving grace.
I also would say the he was the one
wearing the halo or angel wings to
be able to put up with my growing pains
in recovery.
I always thought he should be happy
and deserved more than I could ever give
him. And eventually we both got something
good. A new beginning with new marriages.
He remarried as I did but with no contact
for the past 6 yrs. Its like my first 25yrs
marriage was in another space and time
and so long ago.
Anyway, living in recovery and learning
about addiction is a gift worth giving to
ourselves so that we can enjoy life as
should be.
It maybe difficult right now in life, but
hopefully down the road you find happiness
for urself while your wife seeks help for
her addiction and turn her life around for
herself.
reflect on your topic and share and what
I wrote to you regarding this sad situation.
Ive learned so much over the past 24yrs.
in recovery and am able to study my own
situation and its similarities to yours and
others.
My 1st husband had the opportunity to
attend al-anon as a suggestion when I
entered rehab. He was able to learn about
being the spouse of a loved on with an
addiction and how to take care of himself
while I was learning to take care of me.
Having different programs available to
all members of the family to get involved
in so the entire family can get healthy
and learn to be happy is the glue that
would bond the family together instead
of splitting apart.
In my situation, my busy husband did
attend maybe several meetings to pick
up the word detachment and then felt
like he was cured. My 2 little ones remained
busy with school and band and none of
them ever skipped a beat remaining busy
in life.
Many times the family was off balanced
like we were all living on different planets
causing frustration, disagreements and such.
I recall a many a times saying that my
then husband was the calm in my storms
of life and recovery. As I was growing and
changing in recovery many times my pains
were unbearable, but his calmness to not
give into me was his saving grace.
I also would say the he was the one
wearing the halo or angel wings to
be able to put up with my growing pains
in recovery.
I always thought he should be happy
and deserved more than I could ever give
him. And eventually we both got something
good. A new beginning with new marriages.
He remarried as I did but with no contact
for the past 6 yrs. Its like my first 25yrs
marriage was in another space and time
and so long ago.
Anyway, living in recovery and learning
about addiction is a gift worth giving to
ourselves so that we can enjoy life as
should be.
It maybe difficult right now in life, but
hopefully down the road you find happiness
for urself while your wife seeks help for
her addiction and turn her life around for
herself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 8
She's gone now and I'm so sad. What am I going to tell my kids when they get home from school today? We had a trip planned this weekend that I don't know if I can still go on...
Sitting alone in the house looking around at all the memories of the life we built together. I feel lost.
I can't help but feel like there was something I could have done better. I hope I haven't made a huge mistake.
I tried many times over the years to talk to her and communicate better but she never opened up and let me help. Maybe I should have tried harder.
Sitting alone in the house looking around at all the memories of the life we built together. I feel lost.
I can't help but feel like there was something I could have done better. I hope I haven't made a huge mistake.
I tried many times over the years to talk to her and communicate better but she never opened up and let me help. Maybe I should have tried harder.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Somber you need support right now. In real life, face to face. Do you have a counselor? If not, can you get an Al-Anon meeting?
It's tempting to take all the blame when your partner won't take any, but be easy on yourself. Growing up with an AMom and a codie Dad, I can't tell you how often I wished my father had done exactly what you have done and made ONE decision that was in his KIDS' best interests instead of his drunk wife's. You have gotten used to life revolving around her moods, but that doesn't mean that you have failed or that you should have done something you didn't. It just means you've been living in a very unhealthy relationship and some things that are very bad for you all have become normal. It will take some time and space to unravel it all, but you've made a good step in the right direction.
It's tempting to take all the blame when your partner won't take any, but be easy on yourself. Growing up with an AMom and a codie Dad, I can't tell you how often I wished my father had done exactly what you have done and made ONE decision that was in his KIDS' best interests instead of his drunk wife's. You have gotten used to life revolving around her moods, but that doesn't mean that you have failed or that you should have done something you didn't. It just means you've been living in a very unhealthy relationship and some things that are very bad for you all have become normal. It will take some time and space to unravel it all, but you've made a good step in the right direction.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by Somber 
I feel lost.
If you haven't lurked here before I'd suggest starting by reading the stickey'd threads at the top of this page. They represent a compilation of this board's "Greatest Hits" & many of us continue to refer back to that information as we grow.
This thread has links to SO much great stuff:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...c-reading.html
Ya**!
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Canada! wtf eh?
Posts: 1,123
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
Growing up with an AMom and a codie Dad, I can't tell you how often I wished my father had done exactly what you have done and made ONE decision that was in his KIDS' best interests instead of his drunk wife's.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 865
Originally Posted by Somber
I don't have any support.
You can get thru this, just remember that.
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