Somber

Thanks for all the support. I can't express how helpful it has been over the past couple of days.

I spoke to a counselor today and I definitely feel better, but still heart broken. I have decided that her only option to have a chance to come back is to go directly into rehab. If not then I'm going to start moving on with our lives.

Her family has been extremely unhelpful. I don't understand why they can't see her alcoholism. I have heard her talking to them in the past and lord knows you can't miss the drunken speak.

Once again I can't thank you all enough for your kind words!

hopeful4

I caution you, if you "make" someone go to rehab, it may not stick. You have to want it and be willing to work at being sober for the rest of your life. It's a big commitment.

I am glad you are seeing a counselor and hope you have your children do the same. Don't be so sure her family does not know. It's quite easy to bury your head in the sand about this, especially when you don't live with the addict.

Hugs to you!

LexieCat

Yeah, I think I'd leave the ball in her court. If you give her the, "Go to rehab and you can come home" speech, she will go to rehab just to get home. If she goes on her OWN, you can take your time and see how she does when she comes out, and decide whether she's really committed to it.

Thomas45

You can't make people change if they don't want to take the effort to change, it's really that simple. Trying harder would just mean that you'd feel more pain when your efforts to change her didn't bear fruit. The only thing you have control over in this life is yourself. You do not control other people, you can only choose how to react to them. THEY are the ones who decide how to control themselves. That doesn't mean that you don't have the right to be angry, or sad, or disappointed when your spouse does something irresponsible... just don't expect that you'll be able to change her behavior through your will alone.

You made the same mistake I did, and that nearly everyone else did that posts on this forum: you thought that you could moderate or fix someone's addiction. You've learned the hard way, just like us, that doing so is beyond our power, and you can't force a sense of responsibility into another person if they don't want it.

You don't have any control over someone else's descent into addiction. You didn't cause it, you don't control it, and you can't fix it. All those things are on her. She made the conscious choice to start drinking, and she made the conscious choice to continue drinking until and after it started negatively affecting her life. Driving drunk is the height of irresponsibility. Driving drunk with children in the car, that is beyond irresponsible. She put her life, your children's lives, and the lives of complete strangers in jeopardy, and she wasn't remorseful for doing so.

The counseling is a good step in the right direction. Regarding the rehab, here's my own feelings on the matter. I'd say it's ok to set your boundaries for YOU, as long as your boundaries don't involve "changing someone else".

For example, I think it would be perfectly healthy to have these boundaries and communicate them clearly:
-that you will not live with or be in a relationship with someone who endangers your children,
-that you will not be in a relationship with someone whose drinking is causing problems within the family,
-that you will not be in a relationship with someone who belittles or screams at your children.

These are boundaries for *you*. I don't mean that you have to follow them, I'm just using them as examples as to how these are boundaries that are decisions you can make about how you choose to live your life, and who you choose to be with. There is no expectation of changing someone, it is just a way that you have decided you will live YOUR life.

I don't think that a boundary involving "you have to do _______ in order to come home" is effective, or healthy. It is highly confrontational and is just as likely to result in the complete opposite of the desired outcome. What happens if she goes through rehab and then relapses, as is so common when people don't want to go to rehab but do it anyway because they were 'forced to'? Then you're right back at square 1.

Hawkeye13

Everyone is right--forcing someone into rehab will not work.

Thomas makes some excellent suggestions for boundary creation--
You can control your life and protect your children.

You have zero control over your wife's choice to drink or get sober.
It has been making you depressed, sad, and angry trying and it hasn't worked.

Working on you, and building a healthy response to her dysfunction, would be the next logical steps don't you think?

Somber

Wow, I am so glad I came here. What you folks are saying makes so much sense...

We are packing now for that trip and I will think about the boundaries conversation I want to have with her as I am hanging out on sunny, sandy beaches over the weekend.

I am going to unplug from the world this weekend and enjoy the sand and sun with the kids as much as I can and once again I appreciate you all so much.

Have a great weekend.

changeneeded

Gosh, Somber, I'm sorry for your sadness. I want to praise and encourage your strength to tell her to go. (At least I think that is where your are, I've not finished reading the thread.) Im close to being there.... telling my AH I've had enough. I think it will be tomorrow morning, as he is passed out on the couch right now.

esinger

My wife throwing me out probably saved my life. I went to rehab but not because I was told to. I was just left to figure it out. Sink or swim so to speak. I'm back with my wife but only after figuring out how to take care of myself and realizing that this was my problem to rectify.
I hope it all works out for you and your kids. Just realize that her addiction is her problem and only she can fix it. Rehab or no rehab.

PHIZ007

I am so glad you found SR Somber.

It's a great place full of advice, support, love and strength to help us all on our journey.

Many here have been right where you are today.

I hope you and your kids have a wonderful weekend away 'unplugged from the world'. I love that phrase!

SR and Alanon keep me sane.

Take care of you first and foremost and the rest will follow.
All the best Phiz

KateL

It's not your fault. My ex told the kids I was unwell. I got better on my own and now they are grown up and living with me - Dad needed a deserved break xxxxx