hopeful4

Florence, thank you, you are 100% correct. I am going to do just that, reinforce to them again that by snooping they may find things that hurt them. My older DD said it's so hard b/c he lives this secret other half of his life that they are curious about. I did tell her that does not make it their business or OK. I will reinforce this AGAIN.

That is why I said this post is not about that, because I have done what I can about that and will continue to reinforce that. That's all I can do.

Zoso...ha ha...sounds like they would just love each other's company! Hawks, LOL. That is just what I told my sister when I told her. It's like a frat boy wet dream!!! To me, sick. However...again, to each his own.

Florence

A lot of my dealing with the xNPD was arguing with him about whether or not what he was doing was crazy. Me: Yes, Him: No. Rinse and Repeat.

I wonder if what your kids need to hear is, "Yes, this is absolutely crazy. I'm sorry you have to deal with this," instead of you jumping in to help or help manage it. I know that when living with insanity, I spent a lot of time fighting that insanity, and hoping to find someone else to agree that yes, this was indeed all completely insane. That in itself is a buoy in a storm.

hopeful4

So so correct Florence. When it comes to my kids I have to fight not to try to fix things for them. It's something I have made great strides, but I have more work to go obviously.

I really do appreciate your words of wisdom on this, it really helps me a lot.

LexieCat

I think this falls into that category that kids call "AWWWKWAAARD!!"

Hopefully they will simply tell the kids that she's a very good friend and nothing sneaky is going on. That's really all they need to know. They could say they understand from mom that something on the phone was misinterpreted, that everything is fine, nothing to worry about, but if they ever catch the kids snooping on someone else's phone again there WILL be something to worry about.

irisgardens

hopeful4--this stinks...and although I know that you know (you posted it above) that you knew you shouldn't have done it...there is nothing like another live and learn lesson...and I support you as you just had another.

don't know how old your kids are...mine are now 35 down to 20 and there are 5 of them...only one active addict...but they learned from their dad (& me in although I tried to work on the worst of my codependency and personal issues from as soon as I became aware)--35 years old and baby died...kids were all under 18 then and had 2 subsequent kids--so 5 living children. they have all followed in their dad's path of drinking from a young age...or, in the case of 3...drinking; then drugs...and I simply can't believe anymore that anything I do helps them...and they are adults...and they all enable and feed each other (you saw my post this am...and I guess I am starting to just surrender and realize I can't do anything).

so know you have my empathy, believe in you and also support you. I feel as if I might be the slowest student in recovery...but I just woke up to different things at different times...and I know that I have made it through a lot...hoping that my husband would change...and he won't...so forwhatever that is worth...your ES&H helps me today.

Florence

Hopeful, it's so ridiculous and I slip sometimes too just because he's so out there. I knew he was cheating on his wife before she did, because I have him blocked on Facebook, but suddenly there was his account. With a little research to make sure he hadn't been booted from my blocked list with one of Facebook's infamous privacy revisions, I found out that he still had his old "married" account (wife, kids, family Christmas type stuff) and the one I was seeing was his new "single" account, no kids, no wife, hot car, lots of gym time.

That account was BLOCKED so hard he probably felt it. Totally hilarious and sad! Delicious schadenfreude! But also none of my business.

Carlotta

Florence I truly think that Facebook is responsible for more "codie slips" nowadays than anything else put together.
I ve slipped on no contact and with snooping myself a couple of times.
It is just so easy and yes, their privacy revisions glitches suck. I ve had someone I had blocked a long time ago contact me again a few months ago...was magically taken off the blocked list.

keithj

Even separated, hopeful4, you're giving him an awful lot of power of you.

Seren

For me, it would come down to the values and morals I would want taught to my children. What they do on their own time is one thing. What they may or may not be teaching the children is another. If it were me, I would have a conversation with Dad and future bride about a 100% iron-clad shielding of the children from their personal proclivities.

Bullfrog

I spent my first six months after my divorce still trying to control and dictate my XAH's life. Pointless and the quickest way to destroy my peace. I get it-- it's hard.

From what I've read, Hopeless, I believe you and I are of the same spiritual faith. I think perhaps what your real issue is (as was mine) was that your kids were learning that a lifestyle is "okay" that you fundamentally disagree with. You have probably spent their whole lives trying to teach, guide and steer them in a particular direction, and this is killing you. Am I correct?

I've found that, unless I am prepared to go back to court, all I can do is Let Go and Let God, and gently remind them what is right and wrong.

I don't know how many times I've had to say to my daughter, "I want to remind you that it is not okay that a man speaks that way to a woman. It's not okay to be mean and abusive. If a man does that to you, you leave. You are better than that." Can I stop their dad from verbally abusing me? No. But I sure can teach them it's not okay.

hopeful4

Thank you Seren. I actually did this today.

I made it crystal clear that this to me is not how a child should view their father in relations to a new bride and upcoming marriage. My children should have nothing to do with their choices.

As far as giving this power over me, once more, let me explain. He is an addict. When my children say he is drinking, come get me, I will come 100% always. When my children cried to me b/c they saw this, I could not very well just say "suck it up" and move on. This was all a surprise to me, and I was not prepared to respond as effectively as I would have liked, but I am doing the best I can.

Thumper

Hi Hopeful. What a shock I'm sure!

You could apologize to their dad for going off the deep end there for a moment and then ask him to please put a passcode on his phone - at least when the kids are there! His kids should stay off it but clearly they are not (all this drama they are probably like bees to honey with the thing) so a four digit passcode is certainly reasonable and not onerous.

In general I would think it wise to leave his fiancee out of it completely but in for a penny in for a pound - ha!, so I might even text her and apologize for getting up in their business but please put a passcode on the phones! She's probably more likely to get him to do it.

dandylion

Hopeful....I feel for you. That must have felt like getting hit in the face with a slop bucket.
I can understand how a mother feels in this type of situation and how emotions CAN get
involved--it is about your children and what they are being exposed to. The instinct to protect is strong.

They sound like a very unsavory lot, to me.

dandylion

NYCDoglvr

I agree with Anvil. In early recovery my sponsor gave me a mantra: "It's none of my business." I learned to not offer unsolicited advice to anyone under the age of 18.

hopeful4

NYC....That's a lot easier said than done when it's your children crying to you. Oh well, I've gotten good advise on here about how to handle this.

Dandy, you are so right, I am still just in shock. They are a lot more unsavory than I thought!

totallytrying

I don't have any additional advice (kids should stop snooping, father should be much more careful with his phone), but I do find it interesting that some of us spent years putting up with alcoholic behavior and rationalizing why it was okay, but the idea of someone having consensual sex (my god, a threesome!) has some people practically fainting in revulsion.

I mean, just saying...

hopeful4

Nope. Hearing about it from my children is what has me fainting in revulsion. And he is a horrible alcoholic, as I said, he was stumbling around wasted a$$ drunk, which is why I went to get my kids in the first place. And yeah, I think it's gross...but to each his own. Just don't get my kids involved. I mean, just saying....

Hammer

My thoughts?

YOU would definitely win the "Story of the Week" at my Men's Alanon Group.

soooo. more dish, sister. Does he bring either or both of them to church?

jjj111

Hopeful, it's interesting, I read your post and the things that struck me as most in need of your focus and attention, the things that struck me as most yours and the kids' to control, were the two things in caps that you pointed out as I ALREADY KNOW THIS WAS WRONG YOU DON'T NEED TO TELL ME--the kids read his texts and you confronted him about his cheating and tried to control it. I'm sorry to point this out after you asked that people not comment on these two things, but I know you've got a lot of experience and strength in your recovery and I think you know how this goes, that sometimes the things that we most don't want to talk about are the things we need to think over. I totally hear you that his drinking is out of line, his romantic life sounds chaotic, it's inappropriate for him to put his sex life in your kids' faces. At the same time, even alcoholics have a right to not have their phone privacy violated and a right to make romantic decisions without interference from exes. He's an ex for a reason, right? I know it's easier said than done! You are sucking up a lot of cr*p from him, and it's not fair or right. But you and your kids are kind of stuck with him, so maybe it would be good to think about what boundaries will keep you and the kids (to the extent that you are able to help them set boundaries) out of these kinds of problems in the future?

Katchie

Yes, the kids shouldn't snoop, but they are kids and kids snoop -- I did. However, if dear ole dad keeps leaving stuff around, if he keeps texting things that aren't pg13 where the kiddos or someone else can see it, then he is the one being juvenile and needs to grow up and protect his kids from hearing/seeing things that are beyond their age of understanding. That is what a responsible parent does.