OMG They Have Threesomes!!!
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
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No advice from me. I think the way you handled it was pretty spectacular all things considered. Sending you big hugs.
Hopefully your ex puts a password on his phone, computer, Facebook, etc. It's already well known that your kids snoop (which I think is the only normal thing going on here) and the adults in this situation are already aware of that fact and should respond accordingly.
Hopefully your ex puts a password on his phone, computer, Facebook, etc. It's already well known that your kids snoop (which I think is the only normal thing going on here) and the adults in this situation are already aware of that fact and should respond accordingly.
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I'm curious how they saw these texts - I think pertinent. If drunk dad gave them his phone to use for whatever reason then I have one opinion. He doesn't need to let them use his phone or he needs to stand by and monitor use.
If they went into dad's phone without permission, read it, and then reported to you I have another. Dad needs to keep a locked passcode on the phone. Additionally you need to tell your kids that they will be in trouble if they ever snoop through his, or any other persons phone even if they are using it with permission.
No you didn't handle it well but I understand why. I got a little queasy reading the post OMG its not funny at all….. this not worse than walking in on my parents getting it on under the covers when I was about 8. If I found out my parents were into 3 somes I would barf. We just went through my parents house as we just moved them into independent living and found a vibrator from the 70's. My sister and I threw it at each other like a hot potato and then stuck it in my brothers ear and he broke it. We are all near 50 years old. It was good a time.
Just a little comic relief for you.
If they went into dad's phone without permission, read it, and then reported to you I have another. Dad needs to keep a locked passcode on the phone. Additionally you need to tell your kids that they will be in trouble if they ever snoop through his, or any other persons phone even if they are using it with permission.
No you didn't handle it well but I understand why. I got a little queasy reading the post OMG its not funny at all….. this not worse than walking in on my parents getting it on under the covers when I was about 8. If I found out my parents were into 3 somes I would barf. We just went through my parents house as we just moved them into independent living and found a vibrator from the 70's. My sister and I threw it at each other like a hot potato and then stuck it in my brothers ear and he broke it. We are all near 50 years old. It was good a time.
Just a little comic relief for you.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Sigh....no disrespect intended here:
As I said numerous times, I could not care less how he gets his freak on in the privacy of his home. I have absolutely no feelings for this man at all in that way. HOWEVER, my children should not know anything about it because it is too mature for them, and it will under mind any respect they have for him and his fiancée. There is an issue there because of his own bad behavior with that anyways.
As I have also said, I have told my kids not to snoop. I do not control them when they are with him, that is up to him.
So...those are the reasons I said not to address them reading his phone. IT'S UP TO HIM TO ENFORCE THAT. I have already told them not to do it. It's not my place to punish them when they are in his care, as I would not allow that vice versa.
So now you hopefully understand why I said not to address that issue. I had to take my older DD to the ER this morning b/c she was having panic attacks and could not breathe and was broken out in hives. So....yes, I am going to do whatever I can to protect my children. I have explained to them that in snooping they only hurt themselves and it's not healthy for them or their father. That being said, again, I cannot enforce his boundaries when they are in his care.
Katchie, thank you for your support, you totally get it!
As I said numerous times, I could not care less how he gets his freak on in the privacy of his home. I have absolutely no feelings for this man at all in that way. HOWEVER, my children should not know anything about it because it is too mature for them, and it will under mind any respect they have for him and his fiancée. There is an issue there because of his own bad behavior with that anyways.
As I have also said, I have told my kids not to snoop. I do not control them when they are with him, that is up to him.
So...those are the reasons I said not to address them reading his phone. IT'S UP TO HIM TO ENFORCE THAT. I have already told them not to do it. It's not my place to punish them when they are in his care, as I would not allow that vice versa.
So now you hopefully understand why I said not to address that issue. I had to take my older DD to the ER this morning b/c she was having panic attacks and could not breathe and was broken out in hives. So....yes, I am going to do whatever I can to protect my children. I have explained to them that in snooping they only hurt themselves and it's not healthy for them or their father. That being said, again, I cannot enforce his boundaries when they are in his care.
Katchie, thank you for your support, you totally get it!
Originally Posted by jjj111 
Hopeful, it's interesting, I read your post and the things that struck me as most in need of your focus and attention, the things that struck me as most yours and the kids' to control, were the two things in caps that you pointed out as I ALREADY KNOW THIS WAS WRONG YOU DON'T NEED TO TELL ME--the kids read his texts and you confronted him about his cheating and tried to control it. I'm sorry to point this out after you asked that people not comment on these two things, but I know you've got a lot of experience and strength in your recovery and I think you know how this goes, that sometimes the things that we most don't want to talk about are the things we need to think over. I totally hear you that his drinking is out of line, his romantic life sounds chaotic, it's inappropriate for him to put his sex life in your kids' faces. At the same time, even alcoholics have a right to not have their phone privacy violated and a right to make romantic decisions without interference from exes. He's an ex for a reason, right? I know it's easier said than done! You are sucking up a lot of cr*p from him, and it's not fair or right. But you and your kids are kind of stuck with him, so maybe it would be good to think about what boundaries will keep you and the kids (to the extent that you are able to help them set boundaries) out of these kinds of problems in the future?
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Join Date: May 2010
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Red, his phone is password protected. Unfortunately he will sit right beside my child (literally in a booth in a restaurant) and text for bootie pics from a woman not his soon to be wife. He also has it set up that his texts appear on the face of his phone, even though it's locked. He then leaves the phone right out in front of the kids. Literally on the table right in front of them. It's just stupid, he could change that setting but he won't. I have asked at least 5 times for him to do so. Maybe he is too dumb to figure it out.
So, they don't go through the phone per say....they just see the texts that are right in front of them.
So, they don't go through the phone per say....they just see the texts that are right in front of them.
Originally Posted by redatlanta
I'm curious how they saw these texts - I think pertinent. If drunk dad gave them his phone to use for whatever reason then I have one opinion. He doesn't need to let them use his phone or he needs to stand by and monitor use.
If they went into dad's phone without permission, read it, and then reported to you I have another. Dad needs to keep a locked passcode on the phone. Additionally you need to tell your kids that they will be in trouble if they ever snoop through his, or any other persons phone even if they are using it with permission.
No you didn't handle it well but I understand why. I got a little queasy reading the post OMG its not funny at all….. this not worse than walking in on my parents getting it on under the covers when I was about 8. If I found out my parents were into 3 somes I would barf. We just went through my parents house as we just moved them into independent living and found a vibrator from the 70's. My sister and I threw it at each other like a hot potato and then stuck it in my brothers ear and he broke it. We are all near 50 years old. It was good a time.
Just a little comic relief for you.
If they went into dad's phone without permission, read it, and then reported to you I have another. Dad needs to keep a locked passcode on the phone. Additionally you need to tell your kids that they will be in trouble if they ever snoop through his, or any other persons phone even if they are using it with permission.
No you didn't handle it well but I understand why. I got a little queasy reading the post OMG its not funny at all….. this not worse than walking in on my parents getting it on under the covers when I was about 8. If I found out my parents were into 3 somes I would barf. We just went through my parents house as we just moved them into independent living and found a vibrator from the 70's. My sister and I threw it at each other like a hot potato and then stuck it in my brothers ear and he broke it. We are all near 50 years old. It was good a time.
Just a little comic relief for you.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Originally Posted by hopeful4
Red, his phone is password protected. Unfortunately he will sit right beside my child (literally in a booth in a restaurant) and text for bootie pics from a woman not his soon to be wife. He also has it set up that his texts appear on the face of his phone, even though it's locked. He then leaves the phone right out in front of the kids. Literally on the table right in front of them. It's just stupid, he could change that setting but he won't. I have asked at least 5 times for him to do so. Maybe he is too dumb to figure it out.
So, they don't go through the phone per say....they just see the texts that are right in front of them.
So, they don't go through the phone per say....they just see the texts that are right in front of them.
Ugh, what a creep. Doesn't your divorce decree have a morality clause in it? Are "sexts" and nudie pix covered under that by chance? That plus the fact that he was stinking drunk at their last visit might be grounds to just stop the visits, especially since they are upsetting your DDs and they have both said they don't want to visit him. Just a thought.
So sorry you and your girls are dealing with this awful situation.
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Stung, I had missed your post til now, thank you for your support, and from everyone who supports me in this path.
Yes, it's in my decree he cannot drink, which is the biggest issue. That is why I went to pick them up, he was drinking so I removed them from his home.
The morality clause does not cover that in such detail, however my attorney has assured me a judge will not that this lightly. Especially the drinking because I had to take my DD to the hospital today b/c she was suffering panic attacks and could not breathe and was broken out in hives.
Sigh...life really stinks sometimes.
Yes, it's in my decree he cannot drink, which is the biggest issue. That is why I went to pick them up, he was drinking so I removed them from his home.
The morality clause does not cover that in such detail, however my attorney has assured me a judge will not that this lightly. Especially the drinking because I had to take my DD to the hospital today b/c she was suffering panic attacks and could not breathe and was broken out in hives.
Sigh...life really stinks sometimes.
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Ugh, what a creep. Doesn't your divorce decree have a morality clause in it? Are "sexts" and nudie pix covered under that by chance? That plus the fact that he was stinking drunk at their last visit might be grounds to just stop the visits, especially since they are upsetting your DDs and they have both said they don't want to visit him. Just a thought.
You are absolutely right about the drunk thing. That's what is truly concerning that he would be drunk while having the kids in his care
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Yes, it's in my decree he cannot drink, which is the biggest issue. That is why I went to pick them up, he was drinking so I removed them from his home.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
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I'm sorry my post wasn't helpful, Hopeful4! I have a lot of admiration for your strength in finding ways to coparent that will keep your kids as safe/happy as possible. I'm an ACOA and still wish one of my parents (both alcoholics) had made a decision to protect me. And I didn't mean to suggest that your objections to his behavior were simply a reaction to the risque nature of their sex lives, or an expression of lingering feelings for him. I totally hear you, what he does affects your kids, and your concern for them is the main thing driving you!
Your description of the confrontation with him in your OP mentioned that you pushed him to be honest with his wife if he was having an affair. I guess I just wasn't sure whether there was more to that than just protecting the kids, some anger or frustration with him more generally? Or was trying to confront the affair also about protecting your kids? It seems totally normal that you should have some lingering feeling toward him, even if they are negative ones! If you do have some lingering resentment that fueled the incident, maybe you can consider new ways of venting. A dartboard with his picture might be an excellent first step.
I guess I am also just coming from my own experiences in therapy and recovery, that sometimes it's the things that I try to close off for discussion that it would be revealing to explore. (((Hopeful)))
Your description of the confrontation with him in your OP mentioned that you pushed him to be honest with his wife if he was having an affair. I guess I just wasn't sure whether there was more to that than just protecting the kids, some anger or frustration with him more generally? Or was trying to confront the affair also about protecting your kids? It seems totally normal that you should have some lingering feeling toward him, even if they are negative ones! If you do have some lingering resentment that fueled the incident, maybe you can consider new ways of venting. A dartboard with his picture might be an excellent first step.
I guess I am also just coming from my own experiences in therapy and recovery, that sometimes it's the things that I try to close off for discussion that it would be revealing to explore. (((Hopeful)))
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Join Date: Sep 2013
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His fiancé may be a good person (she certainly sounds like it) and her sexual proclivities are what they are (no judgement. Been there....not for everyone.) but it's the behavior of the XA that is concerning. It's no shocker to me that he requires another woman to satisfy his ego. It's no shocker to me that the woman who is willing to marry a MESS of an alcoholic would consent to a third party. It's no surprise at all. Sounds like addiction.
For what it's worth, I WAS the earnest young girl who dated the messy XAH and loved him so much that I overlooked his drinking, and desperately wanted to do anything to make sure he loved me best. Especially if I thought he would be sleeping with someone else whether I consented or not.
All of this sounds unhealthy. Not inherently because of the threesomes, but because of the active addiction in the household. Scary about the kids being around that...
As for those kids... How old are they? Old enough to receive a definition of an open relationship, as the fiancé wants to share?? I'd hope so. Otherwise, "it's daddys business, and you were wrong to snoop." should suffice.
Um, good luck.
For what it's worth, I WAS the earnest young girl who dated the messy XAH and loved him so much that I overlooked his drinking, and desperately wanted to do anything to make sure he loved me best. Especially if I thought he would be sleeping with someone else whether I consented or not.
All of this sounds unhealthy. Not inherently because of the threesomes, but because of the active addiction in the household. Scary about the kids being around that...
As for those kids... How old are they? Old enough to receive a definition of an open relationship, as the fiancé wants to share?? I'd hope so. Otherwise, "it's daddys business, and you were wrong to snoop." should suffice.
Um, good luck.
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Join Date: Nov 2014
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Originally Posted by redatlanta
We just went through my parents house as we just moved them into independent living and found a vibrator from the 70's. My sister and I threw it at each other like a hot potato and then stuck it in my brothers ear and he broke it. We are all near 50 years old. It was good a time.
Just a little comic relief for you.
Just a little comic relief for you.
So I'm sorting through my dad's old desk in his home office. Mostly old useless papers from eons ago. Then I find this file folder inside a file cabinet. Under lock and key. Assuming this would be life insurance papers etc., I open it up and OMG its naked pictures of my mother!!! Not one but *barf*....LOTS of them. She was like in her 20s and 30s. All done obviously voluntarily in more than one session and in more ways than I ever want to envision my own mother.
My sister is like..."I want to keep them, mom was hot back then!!!" I was like Oh hail to the no you won't!!!!! I am burning them right now!!!!
Mom would DIE if she knew these were around. My dear 87 year old mom......O M G!!!!!!!
Scarred for life over this.
LOL
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I totally do not get the fixation on the kids "snooping." I think that's a deflection from the real issue. That outrage has come up in other threads, with posters in similar situations (Pippi's daughter, for example.). It bothers me that some commenters seem to want to blame the kids for simply being kids and unwittingly becoming exposed to behavior that is inappropriate for them to have to see at their age. It's similar to blaming the victim and it really irks me.
Like Stung said above, frankly I think the kids snooping is just about the only "normal" thing in the whole scenario.
Like Stung said above, frankly I think the kids snooping is just about the only "normal" thing in the whole scenario.
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You know I looked, just because, for information on children snooping in their parents private life and I could not find anything. It is almost always the other way around so I am not sure how normal that is.
I am not saying I never snooped as a kid but never to the point that I felt my parents personal private business was for me to know or that I had the right to know. It was made pretty clear to me at an early age that some things you just did not ask about because they were the business of adults.
It was not “secret” it was adult and private.
Now, I do have one question. When your kids reveal to you what they have seen, what is your reaction?
I ask this because I know that I learned how to react to EVERYTHING from watching how my parents handled situations.
Many times kids are so confused over their own feelings and have no idea how they are suppose to react so they take the parents lead or the lead of other adults in their lives.
If their father does not care that they are looking at his phone then his reaction is none, same as theirs.
If your reaction to what they find on that phone is anger, anxiety and fear, so is theirs.
I bring this up because that is what I am reading from these posts. They don’t know how to react, it is confusing because they are not adults. So they react how the adults are reacting.
I am not saying I never snooped as a kid but never to the point that I felt my parents personal private business was for me to know or that I had the right to know. It was made pretty clear to me at an early age that some things you just did not ask about because they were the business of adults.
It was not “secret” it was adult and private.
Now, I do have one question. When your kids reveal to you what they have seen, what is your reaction?
I ask this because I know that I learned how to react to EVERYTHING from watching how my parents handled situations.
Many times kids are so confused over their own feelings and have no idea how they are suppose to react so they take the parents lead or the lead of other adults in their lives.
If their father does not care that they are looking at his phone then his reaction is none, same as theirs.
If your reaction to what they find on that phone is anger, anxiety and fear, so is theirs.
I bring this up because that is what I am reading from these posts. They don’t know how to react, it is confusing because they are not adults. So they react how the adults are reacting.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Gracie...there are generations of Empirical evidence that it is normal for children to "snoop"
PROVIDED THAT THEY HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY.
Children are driven by curiosity. This is what propels them to explore their environments...to learn..... Just a natural part of development.
dandylion
PROVIDED THAT THEY HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY.
Children are driven by curiosity. This is what propels them to explore their environments...to learn..... Just a natural part of development.
dandylion
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