Originally Posted by Fandy

actually, I would be LIVID if my spouse opened my mail. Taking someone's mail is so controlling and intrusive, even though you refer to it as "handling it". Even if you are the one paying the bills, it still is wrong to not even give him this privacy.

It seems that you cannot accept that he does have the right to disagree with you or question anything you say.

Originally Posted by sg1970

If he is an alcoholic then In my opinion the beers did not make him belligerant. The fact that he couldn't have any more did. He is like a child who throws a tantrum when they don't get what they want. We alkies are irritable, restless, and discontent. We don't want to have a couple to knock the edge off or unwind. We want ever how many it takes to escape from whatever it is we can't cope with. We have no coping skills to deal with life. The amount needed varies by the alkie. But if we only get a taste and not enough to escape we get angry. And as you have noticed, sometimes we calm down when we realize we just aren't going to get what we want.

Did he smoke a bowl when you got home? You see we can also be addicts. Alcohol may be our number one choice but it isn't the only thing that will help us escape. The real problem is our mind. It's not the beer or the weed. It's a soul sickness that we don't know how to deal with other than by getting intoxicated. Deep inside he is a very angry person and until he learns how to cope by himself nothing will change.

Again if he is an alcoholic the underlying issues need treated. Just taking the alcohol out of someone is NOT recovery. The alcohol may be gone but you still have the same sick SOB on your hands.

One other thing I will add, and this is in regards to YOUR recovery, is we are VERY controlling individuals. We want to play God and control everyone and everything. Until we learn acceptance, and that we have no control over other people, life is hell.

What are you doing for YOUR recovery?

Best wishes.

Originally Posted by ladyscribbler

Sorry you experienced that. My ex used to get very agitated if something interrupted his drinking when he wanted to continue. Once when he'd been drinking we took our sons and nephew out to a restaurant that had a kids eat free night but didn't serve alcohol.
When he found out he got enraged beyond all reason and berated me in front of the kids.
Sounds like your husband is progressing to where 2 beers might no longer be "enough" for him. He probably also hoped you would relent on the 2 beer rule because of that night out at the casino.
Hope you have a better day today.

Originally Posted by dandylion

sq1970....in thinking more about your post....I would make this analogy: taking a beer out of the hand o f an alcoholic is like taking a steak out of the dog dish while the German Shepard is still eating.
Very similar result....

dandylion

Originally Posted by Eddiebuckle

Justbreathe,

The part of your post that jumps out at me is the word "irrational" - and clearly your husbands actions were not terribly rational last night. Which was the whole point of your post. The Merriam Webster definition of rational is:Last night your husband likely had the equivalent of 6.5 beers assuming he was drinking from a pint sized glass (I haven't been to Applebees since 2009 so I don't recall the normal size of a draft beer there, but I don't think it's 12 oz). As a man after my own heart, he could proudly say he only had two... as opposed to "a couple." But drinking semantics aside, you are operating from the assumption that he is capable of being rational about alcohol once he starts drinking. Whether he is a problem drinker or an alcoholic, in my experience either of those "types" are off to the races once the first drink is done. It's not that every time we drink catastrophes occur, but every time a catastrophe occurred we definitely were drinking. It sounds like this is consistent with your husbands drinking history.

Here's the problem. As you witnessed last night, once he begins drinking he is not rational: having the ability to reason or think about things clearly. It is not a choice on his part. He did not decide to throw a temper tantrum about mail or green onions last night, but he threw tantrums anyway. Once he decides to drink, the rest is up to fate.

JB, this was my reality for almost 30 years. I didn't choose to be an @ss to my family and loved ones. But when I was drinking, I all too often did. But despite many signs and advice from multiple sources over the years, I chose to drink because drinking meant that much to me. It meant enough to me that I trashed a career, lost most of my friends, and isolated from family. It wasn't until I was considering suicide vs. drinking that I chose to quit.

You cannot make this choice for your husband in any way that will stick. You can run yourself ragged trying to manage his consumption and the punishments for not drinking normally, but it will not change the fact that he is incapable of being rational about alcohol.

Your husband is the only one who is capable of making the decision to quit drinking. To think otherwise, which I would gently suggest you believe, is setting yourself up for a lifetime of nights like the one you just had.

Originally Posted by Refiner

If it was two beers of their Brewtus sized beers at 9%... That's a LOT of alcohol in one sitting. His abuse definitely not acceptable.

Originally Posted by happybeingme

I think it would also behoove you to closely read what jarp wrote. Your behavior is extremely controlling. That is very unhealthy for you. Sooner or later your husband will rebel and you may either get hurt or you may relapse. Controlling his drinking, drug use, access to money, and his mail. That's just bad news. That isn't a relationship. That is controlling your husband to get what you want without caring about him. It's wrong. And it's unhealthy for you. What are you going to do when it all falls apart?

Originally Posted by ladyscribbler

Before I really started working my Alanon program, I would have scoffed at the notion that I was controlling. I was helpful, I kept things running smoothly, I prevented disasters. For me it was a safety thing. I had a terrible fear of the unknown. I grew up with people who were erratic, paranoid and always ready to leap on the "worst case scenario" bandwagon.
For me control was a self-defense mechanism. I was trying to protect myself from the unknown. Then later when I got involved in abusive relationships, I used control to try to protect myself from that.
If I could only tweak things just right then there wouldn't be any screaming and cursing. If he drinks this much but not more then he won't be up all night raging.
I didn't deliberately set out to rob anyone of their dignity or treat them like children, but that's what happened, and a "good day" here and there where my machinations created the result I wanted just distracted me from the bigger picture, which was that I was constantly accepting unacceptable behavior. I had no boundaries. I constantly invaded other people's lives with my "rules", why should they ever respect my space?
I had to learn the hard way (very hard, and I am still learning) that I can really only make rules for myself. Other adults are going to do what they want eventually, even if they seem to be toeing the line for awhile.
Justbreathe, I do admire your poise. I know that I would have been much more defensive and upset about some of the responses you get. I like that you are able to take it in stride and I appreciate your honesty and heartfelt posts. Your recovery is clearly a priority and it shows. I'm glad to see you growing and learning here, and I think that lots of "lurkers" (I lurked for months before ever working up the courage to actually join and post) are reading your threads and learning a lot.
Thank you.