The end? Advice please
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 138
The end? Advice please
So I just got a call from his mum (not spoken in months) as I moved away from the city I was living with him where she also lived. Seen him once in months, still in contact but has seemed to dwindle over past few days. Still on the same emotional roller coaster and trying to disembark.
He told me this morning he was coming to the city I relocated to due to a string of incidents with him and his alcoholism (see previous posts for history), I told him don't as we had barely spoken in the past few days and he had been abusive the days prior to that (and nice the ones prior to that)- same old story.
He said he was coming and would come to the house of the relative that I am staying with- I said please don't as I would have no option to call the police- he has been physically violent with me before and has also been verbally abusive and vile towards her over message. He said he didn't care he just wanted to sort it and if I didn't meet him or see him then he would know it's the end.
So hours ago he said he was an hour away (although in a location which isn't on route to here) then I've heard nothing since until I see his mum calling me- have this huge fear of getting a call from her saying he's dead and my heart sank and I felt compelled to answer- maybe I shouldn't have but I still love him as ridiculous at that may seem.
She tells me he's called her and said he is in the city I live in and he sounds drunk he is in a public toilet and kept repeating "it's the end, it's the end"
I asked what she wanted me to do- she said could I go and meet him and although of course my instinct is to run to the rescuse I said no especially not if he was drinking I was setting myself up for danger. She said he told her he's seen me today- which is a lie. She sounded worried but then as usual went into how it's all about her- she can't cope etc etc and I said the best thing to do was for her to call the police and express her concerns and call him back and tell him to phone the police- I asked her to let me know the outcome but I've heard nothing so I assume she just isn't that bothered and was actually hoping I would make it my problem as I used to.
I'm so angry at her and her apparent lack of concern for the welfare of her son (yes I know there is the side that she needs to take care of her but believe me she does and all she does is blame everyone else for it, doesn't look at herself, is a big drinker and sees nothing wrong with drinking around him when he has tried to get sober and maintain it) I've had a million conversations with her about how she could deal with it- ways to actually SERIOUSLY help him and it just all falls on deaf ears- I feel as if she doesn't give a s#*t and I feel terrible for saying that but if she was that concerned why just call me with no answers or plan and then not actually do anything about it.
I'm also now worried sick with a million and one situations running through my mind as to what could happen to him- I messaged him simply saying please call the police and tell them where you are but for all I know his phone could have died.
I feel guilty as I know my relative who I am currently staying with will now be up all night as I felt obliged to tell her about his illegid plans to come here to protect her incase he did.
I'm really at a loss of what to think or do- he's a grown man but I can't stop worrying, it's freezing outside anything could happen. Clearly his mum isn't going to bother doing anything but I don't feel there is anything I could and should really do. I don't even know for sure he is in this city. He could be lying.is he saying the end as in he wants to die is going to kill himself or meaning the end of the relationship- I'm going into a spin with it all (slightly less than I anticipated but I feel a huge delayed reaction coming on)
God I love him and just want him to be ok
Any advice?
He told me this morning he was coming to the city I relocated to due to a string of incidents with him and his alcoholism (see previous posts for history), I told him don't as we had barely spoken in the past few days and he had been abusive the days prior to that (and nice the ones prior to that)- same old story.
He said he was coming and would come to the house of the relative that I am staying with- I said please don't as I would have no option to call the police- he has been physically violent with me before and has also been verbally abusive and vile towards her over message. He said he didn't care he just wanted to sort it and if I didn't meet him or see him then he would know it's the end.
So hours ago he said he was an hour away (although in a location which isn't on route to here) then I've heard nothing since until I see his mum calling me- have this huge fear of getting a call from her saying he's dead and my heart sank and I felt compelled to answer- maybe I shouldn't have but I still love him as ridiculous at that may seem.
She tells me he's called her and said he is in the city I live in and he sounds drunk he is in a public toilet and kept repeating "it's the end, it's the end"
I asked what she wanted me to do- she said could I go and meet him and although of course my instinct is to run to the rescuse I said no especially not if he was drinking I was setting myself up for danger. She said he told her he's seen me today- which is a lie. She sounded worried but then as usual went into how it's all about her- she can't cope etc etc and I said the best thing to do was for her to call the police and express her concerns and call him back and tell him to phone the police- I asked her to let me know the outcome but I've heard nothing so I assume she just isn't that bothered and was actually hoping I would make it my problem as I used to.
I'm so angry at her and her apparent lack of concern for the welfare of her son (yes I know there is the side that she needs to take care of her but believe me she does and all she does is blame everyone else for it, doesn't look at herself, is a big drinker and sees nothing wrong with drinking around him when he has tried to get sober and maintain it) I've had a million conversations with her about how she could deal with it- ways to actually SERIOUSLY help him and it just all falls on deaf ears- I feel as if she doesn't give a s#*t and I feel terrible for saying that but if she was that concerned why just call me with no answers or plan and then not actually do anything about it.
I'm also now worried sick with a million and one situations running through my mind as to what could happen to him- I messaged him simply saying please call the police and tell them where you are but for all I know his phone could have died.
I feel guilty as I know my relative who I am currently staying with will now be up all night as I felt obliged to tell her about his illegid plans to come here to protect her incase he did.
I'm really at a loss of what to think or do- he's a grown man but I can't stop worrying, it's freezing outside anything could happen. Clearly his mum isn't going to bother doing anything but I don't feel there is anything I could and should really do. I don't even know for sure he is in this city. He could be lying.is he saying the end as in he wants to die is going to kill himself or meaning the end of the relationship- I'm going into a spin with it all (slightly less than I anticipated but I feel a huge delayed reaction coming on)
God I love him and just want him to be ok
Any advice?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Oh Jane I am so sorry there is all this drama in your life today.
He is a grown man. An adult who chooses to live his life this way. It is not on you or his mother to save him, or even to decide that he is need of saving.
Still I know it is painful to worry so much for someone you care for. If there was something I could tell you to do that would make it any easier, I would share it. Please try to be gentle with yourself and remember that this is the life he is choosing, and it is his right to do so. The only thing your involvement can do is make YOUR life more difficult, less peaceful, more chaotic, and potentially a lot worse than that.
Nothing has really changed, this is just a different episode of the same old story.
He is a grown man. An adult who chooses to live his life this way. It is not on you or his mother to save him, or even to decide that he is need of saving.
Still I know it is painful to worry so much for someone you care for. If there was something I could tell you to do that would make it any easier, I would share it. Please try to be gentle with yourself and remember that this is the life he is choosing, and it is his right to do so. The only thing your involvement can do is make YOUR life more difficult, less peaceful, more chaotic, and potentially a lot worse than that.
Nothing has really changed, this is just a different episode of the same old story.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
I could be wrong, but the way I am seeing this, is, he wanted to see you to manipulate you, you told him no. So he called his mom with "this is the end" to manipulate her into contacting you, so that you would contact him to make sure he is OK. Now he won't answer the phone.
You gave her the right info, to call 911. Don't call him anymore, he is trying to get you to worry about him.
(((((((((((((hugs))))))))))
amy
You gave her the right info, to call 911. Don't call him anymore, he is trying to get you to worry about him.
(((((((((((((hugs))))))))))
amy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 138
His mum said she spoke to him again later and she has also contacted the police. and he is apparently now in a different city- one I know he has old 'friends' in which just makes me sick.
I don't even know what to believe about where he is and with who- his phone is obviously off. Makes me sick. I am a mug.
I don't even know what to believe about where he is and with who- his phone is obviously off. Makes me sick. I am a mug.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,426
You did the right thing Jane.
He has the right to live his life as he chooses, but if I were you
at this point I would block his number and if he shows up, do not
answer the door and call the police as you have planned.
He may or may not be around. Truth isn't the man's strong point, is it?
Be careful, and be safe.
Don't, under any circumstances and no matter how pathetic or wasted he looks,
let him in your relative's home in this mental condition or when you go home.
You don't know what he may be capable of if he really feels "it's the end" and
neither you nor your relative should take the risk.
He has the right to live his life as he chooses, but if I were you
at this point I would block his number and if he shows up, do not
answer the door and call the police as you have planned.
He may or may not be around. Truth isn't the man's strong point, is it?
Be careful, and be safe.
Don't, under any circumstances and no matter how pathetic or wasted he looks,
let him in your relative's home in this mental condition or when you go home.
You don't know what he may be capable of if he really feels "it's the end" and
neither you nor your relative should take the risk.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 138
He turned up out of blue- huge drama and now family ultimatum
This morning he turned up at my relatives flat where I am currently staying- this has caused huge drama. As we were also having a family meal today.
I went outside to speak to him which was probably a bad idea but I didn't want to call the police (I know I know but I love him) and also thought I could peacefully get him to leave.
He told me he had slept outside, he looked a mess, I could smell alcohol on him. I gave him some clean trousers to change and then walked to the small town with him and sat and had a coffee. More declarations of love etc etc and he will do something he's sorry he turned up out of the blue etc etc.
But he doesn't realise the drama it has caused- my family are now giving me an ultimatum that I can't stay where I am living unless I cut contact with him- my relative wants to move because she says she doesn't feel safe (although this is the first time he has turned up in 6months despite knowing the address).
I'm at my wits end I don't know what to do. I don't want to cut contact but I have nowhere to go, I can't keep putting my family through this.
I live in hope he will change but will he.
I'm a mess right now and it's ruined my day and my families day. I don't want to let go of him once and for all and finally but I just don't know what to do and feel like my family are turning away from me because they can't cope with it all either
I went outside to speak to him which was probably a bad idea but I didn't want to call the police (I know I know but I love him) and also thought I could peacefully get him to leave.
He told me he had slept outside, he looked a mess, I could smell alcohol on him. I gave him some clean trousers to change and then walked to the small town with him and sat and had a coffee. More declarations of love etc etc and he will do something he's sorry he turned up out of the blue etc etc.
But he doesn't realise the drama it has caused- my family are now giving me an ultimatum that I can't stay where I am living unless I cut contact with him- my relative wants to move because she says she doesn't feel safe (although this is the first time he has turned up in 6months despite knowing the address).
I'm at my wits end I don't know what to do. I don't want to cut contact but I have nowhere to go, I can't keep putting my family through this.
I live in hope he will change but will he.
I'm a mess right now and it's ruined my day and my families day. I don't want to let go of him once and for all and finally but I just don't know what to do and feel like my family are turning away from me because they can't cope with it all either
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,426
Please take my advice from yesterday today.
If you have nowhere to go, and if you family are feeling fear in their own home,
isn't it time to take care of those who truly love you?
They have the right to not engage with destructive and harmful people,
as does your AB's mother, as do you.
I think I would choose my family if I were you.
If you have nowhere to go, and if you family are feeling fear in their own home,
isn't it time to take care of those who truly love you?
They have the right to not engage with destructive and harmful people,
as does your AB's mother, as do you.
I think I would choose my family if I were you.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Jane, why are you hanging onto the hope he will change? Is he actually doing anything to change or just telling you he loves you? He didn't love you enough to turn up sober for instance. It's not that he doesn't realise the drama, he doesn't care, as long as his needs are being taken care of. Will he change? Has he done anything to make you think he will?
Of course you should go no contact. At what point in your life did you think you wouldn't find his behaviour crazy, selfish and unacceptable?
Or if you can't let go, move back home and get into the whole drama again.
Of course you should go no contact. At what point in your life did you think you wouldn't find his behaviour crazy, selfish and unacceptable?
Or if you can't let go, move back home and get into the whole drama again.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Chicago IL
Posts: 117
Alcoholism is progressive. He is still drinking. It only gets worse from here.
He only gets worse from here
If you stay in the relationship, you will have a very difficult time getting healthy, and will more likely get sicker.
If you disconnect from him, you have the chance to get better.
He only gets worse from here
If you stay in the relationship, you will have a very difficult time getting healthy, and will more likely get sicker.
If you disconnect from him, you have the chance to get better.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Your family wants to protect you from this man. Please let them. I know that sometimes a misguided sense of guilt or obligation or what I thought was love has kept me stuck in situations or relationships that were harmful to me and that I needed an extra "push" to do what was best for me.
Your ex is an adult making his own choices. He has to be responsible for himself.
Time for you to take care of Jane. We are here for you. Thanks for posting.
Your ex is an adult making his own choices. He has to be responsible for himself.
Time for you to take care of Jane. We are here for you. Thanks for posting.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Jane...you don't even know "him"....he doesn't even know himself..the disease is in control of him, right now. HE CANNOT EVEN TRUST HIMSELF. He is not capable of making a promise and keeping it.
If you love him...the thing to do is to step aside and get out of his way.
You are his buffer. He does not have to feel the full consequences of his actions if you keep taking it back and, in effect, making it "o.k." You may not see it that way...but, I gurantee that in his alcohol filled brain, that he does.
Your family evidently cares a great deal about you. Naturally, they do not want to see you hurt, again. You cannot blame them for that. What would you tell your own daughter? Seriously?
I get that your big fear is of the lonliness....but, consider this...you are already lonely.
And, you will not "help" him by staying with him.
I hope that you will, at least, think about this.
this disease will drag you right down with him, if you let it.
He has to decide, for himself, what he wants his life to be like. He doesn't sound like he is there yet. He has a chance of getting there sooner if you were to step aside.
dandylion
If you love him...the thing to do is to step aside and get out of his way.
You are his buffer. He does not have to feel the full consequences of his actions if you keep taking it back and, in effect, making it "o.k." You may not see it that way...but, I gurantee that in his alcohol filled brain, that he does.
Your family evidently cares a great deal about you. Naturally, they do not want to see you hurt, again. You cannot blame them for that. What would you tell your own daughter? Seriously?
I get that your big fear is of the lonliness....but, consider this...you are already lonely.
And, you will not "help" him by staying with him.
I hope that you will, at least, think about this.
this disease will drag you right down with him, if you let it.
He has to decide, for himself, what he wants his life to be like. He doesn't sound like he is there yet. He has a chance of getting there sooner if you were to step aside.
dandylion
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 138
Thank you all for your words, I do feel I am at a point where maybe I have to let him go and live his life because I can't continue to put myself and my friends and family through this any longer.
I called him to try and say this but he ended the call so I messaged him telling him I love him but neither of us can do this we need some space to sort ourselves out etc.
He has now taken to messaging a family member about something insignificant (a tattoo) that I told him I would be getting and he's telling me not to as he won't love my body anymore (and he doesn't want anyone else touching my body) and he is now telling her to talk me out of it.
Never mind the turmoil he has created today- he is now fixated on this. It's almost as bad as my fixation on him and what could be- I need to just let go of that, accept he will live his life how he likes, I can't save him- but it's so hard.
Yes I did want to see him if I am honest but not like this and not at the cost of all the drama it has caused today. I repeat the same things to him and his family and mine and it just seems to go on and on and on.
I do believe he loves me and he wants the stability and normality deep down but he just can't get out of the fog of addiction enough. He just sat and stared at me today and kept telling me how he loves my face and I'm amazing and he can't handle it because he isn't near me- I believe he loves me to and extent and some of the words he says are true but at the same time he doesn't love me or himself enough to change and no words or actions I have or can do seem to change that.
I guess I worry that if I cut him off he will make the choice to spiral out of control further, or he will actually sort himself out but without me. However I do know the road for him to recover will be a long one.
I'm just heartbroken. Why did I have to fall so hard for a man that is essentially unobtainable and a relationship that I can't have.
I feel as if I am back to a place of questioning everything- what is lies and what is truth, how he feels and how he doesn't, how I feel and how I don't. It's just agony.
I called him to try and say this but he ended the call so I messaged him telling him I love him but neither of us can do this we need some space to sort ourselves out etc.
He has now taken to messaging a family member about something insignificant (a tattoo) that I told him I would be getting and he's telling me not to as he won't love my body anymore (and he doesn't want anyone else touching my body) and he is now telling her to talk me out of it.
Never mind the turmoil he has created today- he is now fixated on this. It's almost as bad as my fixation on him and what could be- I need to just let go of that, accept he will live his life how he likes, I can't save him- but it's so hard.
Yes I did want to see him if I am honest but not like this and not at the cost of all the drama it has caused today. I repeat the same things to him and his family and mine and it just seems to go on and on and on.
I do believe he loves me and he wants the stability and normality deep down but he just can't get out of the fog of addiction enough. He just sat and stared at me today and kept telling me how he loves my face and I'm amazing and he can't handle it because he isn't near me- I believe he loves me to and extent and some of the words he says are true but at the same time he doesn't love me or himself enough to change and no words or actions I have or can do seem to change that.
I guess I worry that if I cut him off he will make the choice to spiral out of control further, or he will actually sort himself out but without me. However I do know the road for him to recover will be a long one.
I'm just heartbroken. Why did I have to fall so hard for a man that is essentially unobtainable and a relationship that I can't have.
I feel as if I am back to a place of questioning everything- what is lies and what is truth, how he feels and how he doesn't, how I feel and how I don't. It's just agony.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Jane....remember that this is going to be short-term pain for the long-term gain.
So many people back peddle because they are so frightened by the short-term pain.
I suggest to you that this would be the right time to get into some counseling and/or go to a support group..like alanon, maybe. It is in the "crisis" that a person makes the most progress, albeit painful at the time....
I know that you sure as hxxx don't want to ever be in a position l ike this or hurt this much again.
If one doesn't learn the lessons from one experience they are almost inevitably going to fall into the same patterns and face the same issues down the road...mostly an a subconscious level.
You do sound like you want more from you life. I am sure that you want more for him to. the thing is...he will have to reach for it. That will be the hardest thing for y ou to learn to accept.
dandylion
So many people back peddle because they are so frightened by the short-term pain.
I suggest to you that this would be the right time to get into some counseling and/or go to a support group..like alanon, maybe. It is in the "crisis" that a person makes the most progress, albeit painful at the time....
I know that you sure as hxxx don't want to ever be in a position l ike this or hurt this much again.
If one doesn't learn the lessons from one experience they are almost inevitably going to fall into the same patterns and face the same issues down the road...mostly an a subconscious level.
You do sound like you want more from you life. I am sure that you want more for him to. the thing is...he will have to reach for it. That will be the hardest thing for y ou to learn to accept.
dandylion
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Jane, it's very hard to watch someone you care about destroy himself.
It's also very hard for your family to watch you destroy YOUR life for the sake of this man, whom you can't help, as much as you'd like to. Your family has a right to be safe from all of this drama. You are going to have to let go or be dragged. You have a lifeboat. He does, too, but he'd rather drag you out of yours than climb into his own.
I know it's hard--I had to step away from my husband, who was continuing to drink after a life-threatening alcohol-related medical condition that almost killed him. THERE WAS NOTHING I COULD DO FOR HIM. He was going to continue to drink whether I stayed or left. By leaving, I spared myself the pain of having a front-row seat to his self-destruction.
It's also very hard for your family to watch you destroy YOUR life for the sake of this man, whom you can't help, as much as you'd like to. Your family has a right to be safe from all of this drama. You are going to have to let go or be dragged. You have a lifeboat. He does, too, but he'd rather drag you out of yours than climb into his own.
I know it's hard--I had to step away from my husband, who was continuing to drink after a life-threatening alcohol-related medical condition that almost killed him. THERE WAS NOTHING I COULD DO FOR HIM. He was going to continue to drink whether I stayed or left. By leaving, I spared myself the pain of having a front-row seat to his self-destruction.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 138
I just can't cope.
I thought I was coping but maybe I haven't been.
Before my family left they gave me the ultimatum to cut him off there and then or that I couldn't stay with my relative I am currently with. They are angry upset and I get it, I am angry upset etc. some things were said like presumptions they make that infuriate me and basically I just don't see they understand- to them I should just be able to cut him dead and that's it- done.
I said I wouldn't and I couldn't- why can't i? Because I love him, I worry about him, I feel as if I will always feel this way wondering if he is dead or alive if he sorted himself or didn't but I can't get this through to them. So I packed a case and I left. I walked around for hours freezing cold thinking and looking at where I could go. Eventually they left the relatives house I am staying at and I did come back. I tried to talk to her but she is naturally angry doesn't understand doesn't seem to want to- they see that they have all done everything for me and I am this selfish bitch who doesn't care about them. Yes I get it seems like that but I do care- god it kills me thinking what they go through because of me and why would I choose to still be in contact with him- why? Again because I love him.
I tried to talk to the relative I am staying with but she was very cold and they all share the view that I just want to run back to him- if I did then I would have but they don't get that. I don't think they understand what it's like to go to bed and wake up and think is he still alive is he ok. Yes that is abnormal thinking but it's the place I am In.
Seems like they say they want me to talk and they want to understand but they just stare blankly, don't respond or are dismissive when I do. I feel more alone than ever, losing my family and my friends. And yes it's insanity that it's for the sake of one person but I just can't let go.
I haven't been back to see him bar 1 time in nearly 6 months, he has come here once- when he just turned up uninvited. I feel as if I have been incredibly strong but nobody seems to see this I am just a selfish worthless person who makes everyone else feel like ****.
The relative is furious as she now doesn't feel safe in her home and it's my fault because I didn't tell him where she lived but he saw it on paperwork when I was living with him. I've said I am sorry for what's happened but she won't accept it. I am made to feel like everyone has and is doing everything to help me but I don't feel as if they are- just get over it isn't helping me because if it was that easy I would.
So I am sat here with a huge burden of guilt over what I am doing to people around me.
I am equally as worried about him as I haven't even heard a word from him that he arrived home safely so I can only assume he is off drinking somewhere- I want to call him but why? Yes he travelled hours to come and see me so that does me something but does it actually when he came with a hangover and uninvited.
I don't want him to die. I live in fear I will find out he has, or I won't because if I cut all ties how would I? But I live in fear I will also never ever be able to stop thinking about him. Everyone says it's like a normal breakup and it's hard but you get over it but it isn't- I've had breakouts from longer relationships than this and this is so so much harder I can't even compare.
Everyone hates me, are sick of me, don't understand me and I don't understand myself.
I just can't cope
I thought I was coping but maybe I haven't been.
Before my family left they gave me the ultimatum to cut him off there and then or that I couldn't stay with my relative I am currently with. They are angry upset and I get it, I am angry upset etc. some things were said like presumptions they make that infuriate me and basically I just don't see they understand- to them I should just be able to cut him dead and that's it- done.
I said I wouldn't and I couldn't- why can't i? Because I love him, I worry about him, I feel as if I will always feel this way wondering if he is dead or alive if he sorted himself or didn't but I can't get this through to them. So I packed a case and I left. I walked around for hours freezing cold thinking and looking at where I could go. Eventually they left the relatives house I am staying at and I did come back. I tried to talk to her but she is naturally angry doesn't understand doesn't seem to want to- they see that they have all done everything for me and I am this selfish bitch who doesn't care about them. Yes I get it seems like that but I do care- god it kills me thinking what they go through because of me and why would I choose to still be in contact with him- why? Again because I love him.
I tried to talk to the relative I am staying with but she was very cold and they all share the view that I just want to run back to him- if I did then I would have but they don't get that. I don't think they understand what it's like to go to bed and wake up and think is he still alive is he ok. Yes that is abnormal thinking but it's the place I am In.
Seems like they say they want me to talk and they want to understand but they just stare blankly, don't respond or are dismissive when I do. I feel more alone than ever, losing my family and my friends. And yes it's insanity that it's for the sake of one person but I just can't let go.
I haven't been back to see him bar 1 time in nearly 6 months, he has come here once- when he just turned up uninvited. I feel as if I have been incredibly strong but nobody seems to see this I am just a selfish worthless person who makes everyone else feel like ****.
The relative is furious as she now doesn't feel safe in her home and it's my fault because I didn't tell him where she lived but he saw it on paperwork when I was living with him. I've said I am sorry for what's happened but she won't accept it. I am made to feel like everyone has and is doing everything to help me but I don't feel as if they are- just get over it isn't helping me because if it was that easy I would.
So I am sat here with a huge burden of guilt over what I am doing to people around me.
I am equally as worried about him as I haven't even heard a word from him that he arrived home safely so I can only assume he is off drinking somewhere- I want to call him but why? Yes he travelled hours to come and see me so that does me something but does it actually when he came with a hangover and uninvited.
I don't want him to die. I live in fear I will find out he has, or I won't because if I cut all ties how would I? But I live in fear I will also never ever be able to stop thinking about him. Everyone says it's like a normal breakup and it's hard but you get over it but it isn't- I've had breakouts from longer relationships than this and this is so so much harder I can't even compare.
Everyone hates me, are sick of me, don't understand me and I don't understand myself.
I just can't cope
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 845
I've been where you are. So afraid for my AXBF's safety. Having accepted behavior from him that I never thought I would put up with, but still for some reason feeling like I was in love with him. So scared that cutting him off would cause him to kill himself or overdose. Feeling like no one, my therapist, family members, no one could understand how I felt about him or see that he was really a good person deep down. I too went through a period where we no longer saw each other but communicated daily, and I thought that I had detached but I was still so deeply embroiled in the drama. I couldn't heal as long as I was still in contact with him and in the midst of the drama he cultivated. I started to get better after a period of sustained no contact. It hurt like the dickens at first, but eventually I was able to see how deeply in denial I had been. And I have heard through mutual acquaintances that he didn't implode without me. He is still out there, doing what addicts do.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
What you are calling "love", I would call "addiction". Your family is trying to help you reach your bottom, to see what your obsession with him is costing you. They are telling you you can't have both them and him in your life.
I understand how this feels as I have been through this addiction myself. I can't tell you how to cope. I can only tell you that until I let go entirely and stopped indulging my addiction, I couldn't cope with what my addiction was costing me either.
I understand how this feels as I have been through this addiction myself. I can't tell you how to cope. I can only tell you that until I let go entirely and stopped indulging my addiction, I couldn't cope with what my addiction was costing me either.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Jane....I can't say it any better than Sparklekitty just said. Since my last post, I went back and reviewed some of your earlier threads.
This has been going on for some time--with the emotional and physical abuse...the threats against your family members...,.manipulation with the suicide "threats"...and the financial and other forms of enabling that he has received.
I agree that your family is trying to help you reach your bottom.
It IS going to hurt to step aside. It will. You will go through the grieving process, like happens to everyone after a loss of this type.
But, in time, it will be over. If you don't step aside...the pain will last forever. but it will get worse as time progresses. The only way out is through it.
Short-term pain for long-term gain.
This is what I suggest to you.
Go to alanon...several meetings a week, if necessary. They WILL understand.
Make an appointment with a therapist to help you through this.
Stop discussing him with your family. Talk to us or alanon or close friends only.
This will get you onto the road to healing from this relationship and prepare you to live the kind of life you were born to live.
LOve is not supposed to hurt this much. When it hurts this much--it is something else--like fear of abandonment or fear of the unknown or something of that ilk.
You aren't alone...there is help and there are people who understand and care about you. He isn't capable.
If you want to be happy...there is no other option.
dandylion
This has been going on for some time--with the emotional and physical abuse...the threats against your family members...,.manipulation with the suicide "threats"...and the financial and other forms of enabling that he has received.
I agree that your family is trying to help you reach your bottom.
It IS going to hurt to step aside. It will. You will go through the grieving process, like happens to everyone after a loss of this type.
But, in time, it will be over. If you don't step aside...the pain will last forever. but it will get worse as time progresses. The only way out is through it.
Short-term pain for long-term gain.
This is what I suggest to you.
Go to alanon...several meetings a week, if necessary. They WILL understand.
Make an appointment with a therapist to help you through this.
Stop discussing him with your family. Talk to us or alanon or close friends only.
This will get you onto the road to healing from this relationship and prepare you to live the kind of life you were born to live.
LOve is not supposed to hurt this much. When it hurts this much--it is something else--like fear of abandonment or fear of the unknown or something of that ilk.
You aren't alone...there is help and there are people who understand and care about you. He isn't capable.
If you want to be happy...there is no other option.
dandylion
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Do you realize you sound EXACTLY like an alcoholic who believes he "can't" stop drinking?
It's everyone else's fault, nobody understands how hard it is for ME. You aren't any more willing to do "whatever it takes" to recover than he is. Do you see that?
Recovery is HARD, HARD work. It's painful. Whether you happen to be the alcoholic or the loved one who is helpless to save the alcoholic. You can only save yourself, not him. And you CAN give him up, it's just that you won't. There is all kinds of help and support for you, here and at Al-Anon, if you decide you WANT to recover from this addiction--one that is destroying your family as surely as any alcoholic's drinking destroyed his or her family.
If you want your family's help and support, you are going to have to give up your addiction. But it's unfair for you to expect them to continue to accommodate it. What you are doing clearly DOES affect them. And they have the right to set those boundaries they've set.
I hope you decide to choose the path to recovery.
It's everyone else's fault, nobody understands how hard it is for ME. You aren't any more willing to do "whatever it takes" to recover than he is. Do you see that?
Recovery is HARD, HARD work. It's painful. Whether you happen to be the alcoholic or the loved one who is helpless to save the alcoholic. You can only save yourself, not him. And you CAN give him up, it's just that you won't. There is all kinds of help and support for you, here and at Al-Anon, if you decide you WANT to recover from this addiction--one that is destroying your family as surely as any alcoholic's drinking destroyed his or her family.
If you want your family's help and support, you are going to have to give up your addiction. But it's unfair for you to expect them to continue to accommodate it. What you are doing clearly DOES affect them. And they have the right to set those boundaries they've set.
I hope you decide to choose the path to recovery.
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