AH Became Somewhat Belligerent Tonight After Drinking
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I too am curious what you are getting out of this relationship. I think here on SR we are most likely to post when there are problems - not post a thread about a fantastic day with our A's or RAH's.
In between the lines we get snippets of the 'other side' of the spouse or partner - I'm not seeing that here - not to say it doesn't exist - but what is "the other side" of your husband that has you dedicated to this full time job? Is taking care of your spouse to the extent that you choose to your idea of a a healthy and good relationship?
As a side note your controlling issues really worry me. You have a noose around your husband's neck. I really fear for you the day he gets tired of it and he will. He is getting tired of it now. It is abusive to control another like this - I know you aren't doing it with the typical "abusive" mindset we have seen before; nonetheless, the label is deserved. You say its what he wants. I wonder if you see at all the facade of a so called "healthy" relationship you have built due to controlling and threatening this man.
JB's husband needs:
1) Weed
2) Alcohol
3) Money
4) A place to live.
How to get the above JB's husband needs to;
1) Adhere to 2 beer a night limit (or at least the appearance of it)
2) Allow JB to do everything and make all decisions
3) Not get belligerent with JB when A gets tired of JB telling A when he can drink, how much he can drink, where he can eat, what he can buy, where he will work, when he can gamble, when he can have more to drink than the normal 2 beers, all the while having zero access to any money other than the allowance given him by JB.
I hope that somewhere along the way what hundreds of people are telling you might penetrate into your mind that this is a disaster waiting to happen.
I'd say get into some counseling with your husband to see if you all can get this relationship on more even ground. I am unsure that would work with an active addict.
Best of luck to you.
In between the lines we get snippets of the 'other side' of the spouse or partner - I'm not seeing that here - not to say it doesn't exist - but what is "the other side" of your husband that has you dedicated to this full time job? Is taking care of your spouse to the extent that you choose to your idea of a a healthy and good relationship?
As a side note your controlling issues really worry me. You have a noose around your husband's neck. I really fear for you the day he gets tired of it and he will. He is getting tired of it now. It is abusive to control another like this - I know you aren't doing it with the typical "abusive" mindset we have seen before; nonetheless, the label is deserved. You say its what he wants. I wonder if you see at all the facade of a so called "healthy" relationship you have built due to controlling and threatening this man.
JB's husband needs:
1) Weed
2) Alcohol
3) Money
4) A place to live.
How to get the above JB's husband needs to;
1) Adhere to 2 beer a night limit (or at least the appearance of it)
2) Allow JB to do everything and make all decisions
3) Not get belligerent with JB when A gets tired of JB telling A when he can drink, how much he can drink, where he can eat, what he can buy, where he will work, when he can gamble, when he can have more to drink than the normal 2 beers, all the while having zero access to any money other than the allowance given him by JB.
I hope that somewhere along the way what hundreds of people are telling you might penetrate into your mind that this is a disaster waiting to happen.
I'd say get into some counseling with your husband to see if you all can get this relationship on more even ground. I am unsure that would work with an active addict.
Best of luck to you.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
JB, gosh you remind me so much of myself. I did the same things you are doing with the money, with the counting, etc. for a long time. Until I nearly had a nervous breakdown and had to start seeing a psychiatrist, which did help me immensely.
In the end, it does not matter how many beers he has had or what the strength is. It is ultimately his actions that follow that are unacceptable. I worry that he will become physical with you, please stay safe.
This cannot go on forever and I think you are seeing that.
Tight hugs. We are here for you. Don't let others comments on being controlling get you down. I understand why you are doing what you are doing. It's your way of functioning.
In the end, it does not matter how many beers he has had or what the strength is. It is ultimately his actions that follow that are unacceptable. I worry that he will become physical with you, please stay safe.
This cannot go on forever and I think you are seeing that.
Tight hugs. We are here for you. Don't let others comments on being controlling get you down. I understand why you are doing what you are doing. It's your way of functioning.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: West Coast
Posts: 774
I feel like maybe some of our responses are too harsh....
JB, you're in your own place on this journey. Take what makes sense to you now.... You'll grow where your HP wants you to be eventually...
I just wanna say that when I was with one of my exes I used to beg him to sit and do bills with me because he complained about me controlling all the money. He was a man child. He couldn't be responsible and so I felt I had to be. In the end though, his irresponsibility still affected me. My credit went to poop and I lost my house. Eventually their bad behavior affects us more than we are able to control....
JB, you're in your own place on this journey. Take what makes sense to you now.... You'll grow where your HP wants you to be eventually...
I just wanna say that when I was with one of my exes I used to beg him to sit and do bills with me because he complained about me controlling all the money. He was a man child. He couldn't be responsible and so I felt I had to be. In the end though, his irresponsibility still affected me. My credit went to poop and I lost my house. Eventually their bad behavior affects us more than we are able to control....
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
I feel like maybe some of our responses are too harsh....
Well the reality of that statement, life can be harsh......
Everrytime I ended up in a jam or an unfavorable circumstance, in retrospect, hindsight, or whatever other fancy name you would like to attach.........
All I have to do is look in the mirror and there is my answer............ for whatever the reason,
that was my choice
nobody was holding a gun to my head, forcing me to do something I did not want.
I refuse to surrender to this notion of I was with an addict, he was addicted to his DOC, and I was addicted to him, and therefore I lost my way, and now I don't know what to do.
Of course we know what to do, the issue is it hurts and it's very hard to commit to feeling uncomfortable, we look to instant answers, and instant gratification, and if it's going to be a ride on the struggle bus to improve our lives, we often take the easy way out and refuse to do the work for ourselves.......... yet we have spent years trying to move mountains for an ungrateful addict............ hate, hate, hate this disease!
Well the reality of that statement, life can be harsh......
Everrytime I ended up in a jam or an unfavorable circumstance, in retrospect, hindsight, or whatever other fancy name you would like to attach.........
All I have to do is look in the mirror and there is my answer............ for whatever the reason,
that was my choice
nobody was holding a gun to my head, forcing me to do something I did not want.
I refuse to surrender to this notion of I was with an addict, he was addicted to his DOC, and I was addicted to him, and therefore I lost my way, and now I don't know what to do.
Of course we know what to do, the issue is it hurts and it's very hard to commit to feeling uncomfortable, we look to instant answers, and instant gratification, and if it's going to be a ride on the struggle bus to improve our lives, we often take the easy way out and refuse to do the work for ourselves.......... yet we have spent years trying to move mountains for an ungrateful addict............ hate, hate, hate this disease!
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Originally Posted by ubntubnt 
JB there was nothing irrational about him bringing up the mail issue last night. It was perfectly rational. And when he finally blows up properly that will be rational also. I sincerely hope that when he does blow up that it does not involve you getting physically hurt.
I really think you need to open your ears to the advice you have been getting here. To be honest I can barely read many of your posts given the treatment of you towards your husband. You are taking away whatever self respect and dignity he has as a person. His reaction to the mail was simply the expression of his resentment towards this.He is not a two year old child, he is an adult in a supposedly loving relationship with you.
What are doing with this two beers limit is cruel and completely pointless. Essentially it is like you have an animal trapped in a cage and you are prodding it each day with a stick. Just enough to irritate it and then you are tutting because it is getting irritated and then saying to everyone "hey everyone look, look at how irritated this animal gets when I prod it with a stick".
The two beers is allowing his addiction to feed but stopping him from hitting bottom and therefore depriving him of the chance to recover. And every day that goes by with you abusing him like this will turn up the pressure that bit more. One day, it will snap and I would not be surprised if that way was not too far off.
I am not for one second justifying your husband's threat of physical violence towards you and his very deep addiction problems (which include smoking pot). But I can see that you have received much advice on how to protect yourself which you have largely chosen to ignore which is absolutely your right. But the warning signs are there for you and the pressure is building and I would kindly ask you to reconsider the way you are treating him.
I really think you need to open your ears to the advice you have been getting here. To be honest I can barely read many of your posts given the treatment of you towards your husband. You are taking away whatever self respect and dignity he has as a person. His reaction to the mail was simply the expression of his resentment towards this.He is not a two year old child, he is an adult in a supposedly loving relationship with you.
What are doing with this two beers limit is cruel and completely pointless. Essentially it is like you have an animal trapped in a cage and you are prodding it each day with a stick. Just enough to irritate it and then you are tutting because it is getting irritated and then saying to everyone "hey everyone look, look at how irritated this animal gets when I prod it with a stick".
The two beers is allowing his addiction to feed but stopping him from hitting bottom and therefore depriving him of the chance to recover. And every day that goes by with you abusing him like this will turn up the pressure that bit more. One day, it will snap and I would not be surprised if that way was not too far off.
I am not for one second justifying your husband's threat of physical violence towards you and his very deep addiction problems (which include smoking pot). But I can see that you have received much advice on how to protect yourself which you have largely chosen to ignore which is absolutely your right. But the warning signs are there for you and the pressure is building and I would kindly ask you to reconsider the way you are treating him.
I understand that my AH and I have an arrangement that is very parent-child like, and it therefore comes across that I treat him in an inhumane way. But this is the arrangement that we have worked out together when sober. He told me today that he would not trust himself with a credit card because he would buy too much. Knowing this, it is in fact you who is not accepting my AH for who he is, since you are not respecting the arrangement he wants in his relationship.
And he is the one choosing the two beer limit, not me. He can have more than the two beers and accept the consequence (me sleeping at my parent's house). But he is choosing to stick to that two beer limit.
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Originally Posted by LLLisa
Why on EARTH would you even WANT TO be in a "relationship" with a two year old in a man's body? What you described up there is horrendous!
What do you get out of this?
You must be freakin' exhausted.
How old is this King Baby anyway?
What do you get out of this?
You must be freakin' exhausted.
How old is this King Baby anyway?
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Originally Posted by MissBeth
^^^^^ This. So much this.
From my experience, sure he wants you to open and deal with his mail now, but the second you make a decision about the contents of his mail that backfires on him, you will be in for days of verbal abuse in the very least. How do I know? Because I was where you were. I dealt with all the mail.
I made a decision to not renew one type of health insurance because we could not afford it at the time. He got black out drunk, injured himself and required that insurance. We ended up with a $3000 bill. Which of course, was my fault.
You say the mail isn't the problem, but believe me, it will be.
I want to reiterate LLLisa's question. What do you get out of this relationship? It's certainly not an equal partnership with 2 people supporting each other.
Some final questions. Why are you prepared to stay with someone that is not willing to do EVERYTHING (recovery program, rehab etc) to overcome their addictions? Surely if he really wanted to save your marriage he would be trying to ANYTHING to stay sober?
I wish you strength, courage and serenity. Please stay safe.
From my experience, sure he wants you to open and deal with his mail now, but the second you make a decision about the contents of his mail that backfires on him, you will be in for days of verbal abuse in the very least. How do I know? Because I was where you were. I dealt with all the mail.
I made a decision to not renew one type of health insurance because we could not afford it at the time. He got black out drunk, injured himself and required that insurance. We ended up with a $3000 bill. Which of course, was my fault.
You say the mail isn't the problem, but believe me, it will be.
I want to reiterate LLLisa's question. What do you get out of this relationship? It's certainly not an equal partnership with 2 people supporting each other.
Some final questions. Why are you prepared to stay with someone that is not willing to do EVERYTHING (recovery program, rehab etc) to overcome their addictions? Surely if he really wanted to save your marriage he would be trying to ANYTHING to stay sober?
I wish you strength, courage and serenity. Please stay safe.
I know that he is an alcoholic and has a disease, and that he just can't stop at this time. I know how difficult it is because I am in recovery myself.
By the way, we went out to dinner tonight, and he let me pick out the two beers for him this time (oh gosh, let the "controlling" responses come pouring in, LOL). I chose two beers for him that were 5% alcohol. Fortunately, we had a nice time and we are now at home watching a movie.
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Originally Posted by Carlotta
This is exactly how I see it too and I am glad that I am not the only one who feels sorry for him. He might be an active alcoholic but he is still a human being and should be treated with dignity.
You are not respecting the fact that this is how he wants the relationship to be. My AH stated that because of how everything is and is arranged, he is able to go on cruises and to Hawaii, things he would never have dreamed of doing prior to the relationship.
My AH cannot take care of himself. He knows this and is fortunate to have found someone like me willing to take care of him.
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Originally Posted by jarp
I agree, but realise JB's not there yet. Jb you're doing an awesome job of your own sobriety...kudos to you.
But....if a woman was to come here and say....
My husband is a few months sober...but he's withholding our finances, not giving me access to my mail, he's making constantly changing rules about how, when and where I drink, is constantly threatening to leave me and go home to his parents if he doesn't like what I'm saying or how I'm behaving, has his parents pay our rent but spends money gambling...I keep quiet to placate him....but sometimes I feel so angry and belittled that I try and voice my feelings when I've gotten up enough courage....and he calls me insane and irrational....treats me like I'm a child...I act like one to keep the peace...but I'm an adult and feel total diminished...
Well we'd probably be telling her she's being verbally, emotionally and financially abused and encourage her to seek help.
Does your AH go to al-anon?
I'm not excusing his threat of physical violence in any way, shape or form....but to me this seems like an mutually abusive relationship.
I hope this all works out for both of you...
But....if a woman was to come here and say....
My husband is a few months sober...but he's withholding our finances, not giving me access to my mail, he's making constantly changing rules about how, when and where I drink, is constantly threatening to leave me and go home to his parents if he doesn't like what I'm saying or how I'm behaving, has his parents pay our rent but spends money gambling...I keep quiet to placate him....but sometimes I feel so angry and belittled that I try and voice my feelings when I've gotten up enough courage....and he calls me insane and irrational....treats me like I'm a child...I act like one to keep the peace...but I'm an adult and feel total diminished...
Well we'd probably be telling her she's being verbally, emotionally and financially abused and encourage her to seek help.
Does your AH go to al-anon?
I'm not excusing his threat of physical violence in any way, shape or form....but to me this seems like an mutually abusive relationship.
I hope this all works out for both of you...
(1) My husband has told me he does not want access to the funds.
(2) He does not want his mail at night but wants his wife to open it.
(3) I established a 2 beer limit boundary for when we go out or else I have told him that I will leave the situation (healthy boundary)
(4) Have established a boundary that I will sleep at my parent's house if he becomes verbally or physically abusive (healthy boundary)
(5)It is my parent's choice to pay half of our rent because they want to. It is our choice if we want to enjoy gambling for entertainment purposes.
(6) I assert my feelings when I feel necessary and other times may not engage my husband (I pick my battles)
(7)Informs AH the next day when he is sober of some of the irrational quacking he did the previous night when he drank too much
(8)My AH cannot take care of himself due to his history of drug abuse, and we have both agreed to this parent-child arrangement. That is our choice.
My husband does not go to Al-Anon, and he refuses any form of treatment even though I have encouraged it.
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Wow.
I know I need to bow out of this.
I'll just leave you with one thought.
One of my daughters is intellectually impaired. I've learned how important it is (even though I am her actual parent) for her to learn to do things for herself.
Her psych once said to me that although she grumbles, and complains, and it is easier to just 'let' me do things for her, that every time I give in to that temptation what I am saying to her subconscious is that I do not BELIEVE she can do it, which will ultimately affect HER self esteem. And that every time she proves to herself she can do it, it bolsters her self esteem....and then she actually WANTS to grow up and do things for herself.
The first part of this is what you are doing to your husband.
Anyway good luck to you and your husband.
I know I need to bow out of this.
I'll just leave you with one thought.
One of my daughters is intellectually impaired. I've learned how important it is (even though I am her actual parent) for her to learn to do things for herself.
Her psych once said to me that although she grumbles, and complains, and it is easier to just 'let' me do things for her, that every time I give in to that temptation what I am saying to her subconscious is that I do not BELIEVE she can do it, which will ultimately affect HER self esteem. And that every time she proves to herself she can do it, it bolsters her self esteem....and then she actually WANTS to grow up and do things for herself.
The first part of this is what you are doing to your husband.
Anyway good luck to you and your husband.
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Originally Posted by redatlanta
I too am curious what you are getting out of this relationship. I think here on SR we are most likely to post when there are problems - not post a thread about a fantastic day with our A's or RAH's.
In between the lines we get snippets of the 'other side' of the spouse or partner - I'm not seeing that here - not to say it doesn't exist - but what is "the other side" of your husband that has you dedicated to this full time job? Is taking care of your spouse to the extent that you choose to your idea of a a healthy and good relationship?
As a side note your controlling issues really worry me. You have a noose around your husband's neck. I really fear for you the day he gets tired of it and he will. He is getting tired of it now. It is abusive to control another like this - I know you aren't doing it with the typical "abusive" mindset we have seen before; nonetheless, the label is deserved. You say its what he wants. I wonder if you see at all the facade of a so called "healthy" relationship you have built due to controlling and threatening this man.
JB's husband needs:
1) Weed
2) Alcohol
3) Money
4) A place to live.
How to get the above JB's husband needs to;
1) Adhere to 2 beer a night limit (or at least the appearance of it)
2) Allow JB to do everything and make all decisions
3) Not get belligerent with JB when A gets tired of JB telling A when he can drink, how much he can drink, where he can eat, what he can buy, where he will work, when he can gamble, when he can have more to drink than the normal 2 beers, all the while having zero access to any money other than the allowance given him by JB.
I hope that somewhere along the way what hundreds of people are telling you might penetrate into your mind that this is a disaster waiting to happen.
I'd say get into some counseling with your husband to see if you all can get this relationship on more even ground. I am unsure that would work with an active addict.
Best of luck to you.
In between the lines we get snippets of the 'other side' of the spouse or partner - I'm not seeing that here - not to say it doesn't exist - but what is "the other side" of your husband that has you dedicated to this full time job? Is taking care of your spouse to the extent that you choose to your idea of a a healthy and good relationship?
As a side note your controlling issues really worry me. You have a noose around your husband's neck. I really fear for you the day he gets tired of it and he will. He is getting tired of it now. It is abusive to control another like this - I know you aren't doing it with the typical "abusive" mindset we have seen before; nonetheless, the label is deserved. You say its what he wants. I wonder if you see at all the facade of a so called "healthy" relationship you have built due to controlling and threatening this man.
JB's husband needs:
1) Weed
2) Alcohol
3) Money
4) A place to live.
How to get the above JB's husband needs to;
1) Adhere to 2 beer a night limit (or at least the appearance of it)
2) Allow JB to do everything and make all decisions
3) Not get belligerent with JB when A gets tired of JB telling A when he can drink, how much he can drink, where he can eat, what he can buy, where he will work, when he can gamble, when he can have more to drink than the normal 2 beers, all the while having zero access to any money other than the allowance given him by JB.
I hope that somewhere along the way what hundreds of people are telling you might penetrate into your mind that this is a disaster waiting to happen.
I'd say get into some counseling with your husband to see if you all can get this relationship on more even ground. I am unsure that would work with an active addict.
Best of luck to you.
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Originally Posted by hopeful4
JB, gosh you remind me so much of myself. I did the same things you are doing with the money, with the counting, etc. for a long time. Until I nearly had a nervous breakdown and had to start seeing a psychiatrist, which did help me immensely.
In the end, it does not matter how many beers he has had or what the strength is. It is ultimately his actions that follow that are unacceptable. I worry that he will become physical with you, please stay safe.
This cannot go on forever and I think you are seeing that.
Tight hugs. We are here for you. Don't let others comments on being controlling get you down. I understand why you are doing what you are doing. It's your way of functioning.
In the end, it does not matter how many beers he has had or what the strength is. It is ultimately his actions that follow that are unacceptable. I worry that he will become physical with you, please stay safe.
This cannot go on forever and I think you are seeing that.
Tight hugs. We are here for you. Don't let others comments on being controlling get you down. I understand why you are doing what you are doing. It's your way of functioning.
But I am glad that you can see that my "controllingness" is an adaptation to keep the relationship going and functioning. There really is no other way due to my AH being unable to really take care of anything (and he knows this, too, which is why he encourages this dynamic)
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Originally Posted by HMA
I feel like maybe some of our responses are too harsh....
JB, you're in your own place on this journey. Take what makes sense to you now.... You'll grow where your HP wants you to be eventually...
I just wanna say that when I was with one of my exes I used to beg him to sit and do bills with me because he complained about me controlling all the money. He was a man child. He couldn't be responsible and so I felt I had to be. In the end though, his irresponsibility still affected me. My credit went to poop and I lost my house. Eventually their bad behavior affects us more than we are able to control....
JB, you're in your own place on this journey. Take what makes sense to you now.... You'll grow where your HP wants you to be eventually...
I just wanna say that when I was with one of my exes I used to beg him to sit and do bills with me because he complained about me controlling all the money. He was a man child. He couldn't be responsible and so I felt I had to be. In the end though, his irresponsibility still affected me. My credit went to poop and I lost my house. Eventually their bad behavior affects us more than we are able to control....
Sorry to hear about your credit and house. That hasn't happened to me yet!!!
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I'm willing to bet that if we delved into the details of many marriages, we would find things that we would never tolerate; things that just strike us as weird or unimaginable. Things that we would never allow in our own lives.
That said, many of those marriages/relationships (much to our amazement) are actually doing okay. If the two people involved are satisfied with the situation, then who are we to say they are wrong?
The only caveat to what I just said is the threat of physical abuse. JB, if you are willing to take that risk, there's nothing any of us can say to dissuade you. I just hope you will be very cautious and always have a way out (Plan B) if you ever feel you are in danger.
I wish you and your husband much good luck. We're always here if you find that you need to vent.
That said, many of those marriages/relationships (much to our amazement) are actually doing okay. If the two people involved are satisfied with the situation, then who are we to say they are wrong?
The only caveat to what I just said is the threat of physical abuse. JB, if you are willing to take that risk, there's nothing any of us can say to dissuade you. I just hope you will be very cautious and always have a way out (Plan B) if you ever feel you are in danger.
I wish you and your husband much good luck. We're always here if you find that you need to vent.
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Originally Posted by jarp
Wow.
I know I need to bow out of this.
I'll just leave you with one thought.
One of my daughters is intellectually impaired. I've learned how important it is (even though I am her actual parent) for her to learn to do things for herself.
Her psych once said to me that although she grumbles, and complains, and it is easier to just 'let' me do things for her, that every time I give in to that temptation what I am saying to her subconscious is that I do not BELIEVE she can do it, which will ultimately affect HER self esteem. And that every time she proves to herself she can do it, it bolsters her self esteem....and then she actually WANTS to grow up and do things for herself.
The first part of this is what you are doing to your husband.
Anyway good luck to you and your husband.
I know I need to bow out of this.
I'll just leave you with one thought.
One of my daughters is intellectually impaired. I've learned how important it is (even though I am her actual parent) for her to learn to do things for herself.
Her psych once said to me that although she grumbles, and complains, and it is easier to just 'let' me do things for her, that every time I give in to that temptation what I am saying to her subconscious is that I do not BELIEVE she can do it, which will ultimately affect HER self esteem. And that every time she proves to herself she can do it, it bolsters her self esteem....and then she actually WANTS to grow up and do things for herself.
The first part of this is what you are doing to your husband.
Anyway good luck to you and your husband.
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Posts: 1,256
Originally Posted by suki44883
I'm willing to bet that if we delved into the details of many marriages, we would find things that we would never tolerate; things that just strike us as weird or unimaginable. Things that we would never allow in our own lives.
That said, many of those marriages/relationships (much to our amazement) are actually doing okay. If the two people involved are satisfied with the situation, then who are we to say they are wrong?
The only caveat to what I just said is the threat of physical abuse. JB, if you are willing to take that risk, there's nothing any of us can say to dissuade you. I just hope you will be very cautious and always have a way out (Plan B) if you ever feel you are in danger.
I wish you and your husband much good luck. We're always here if you find that you need to vent.
That said, many of those marriages/relationships (much to our amazement) are actually doing okay. If the two people involved are satisfied with the situation, then who are we to say they are wrong?
The only caveat to what I just said is the threat of physical abuse. JB, if you are willing to take that risk, there's nothing any of us can say to dissuade you. I just hope you will be very cautious and always have a way out (Plan B) if you ever feel you are in danger.
I wish you and your husband much good luck. We're always here if you find that you need to vent.
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Posts: 1,256
Well, my SR friends, it is time for me to sign off. Hubby and I will be watching a movie we rented for tonight.
Thank you all for your responses. I love to grow and develop here on SR. I find this site very helpful and am glad that other members take the time to give me feedback.
And remember, what does not kill us makes us stronger - Friedrich Nietszche (spelling may be incorrect, sorry)
Toodles!
Thank you all for your responses. I love to grow and develop here on SR. I find this site very helpful and am glad that other members take the time to give me feedback.
And remember, what does not kill us makes us stronger - Friedrich Nietszche (spelling may be incorrect, sorry)
Toodles!
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