AH Became Somewhat Belligerent Tonight After Drinking
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JB Applebee sells their beers in two sizes. Pints and Brutus. Both are larger than a typical 12 oz. Most American beers are 6.5% alcohol by volume. So, your husband had the equivalent of 3 plus beers. Still not that bad.
You still need to really rethink your behavior. It's like your alcohol obsession has been converted into a control husband obession. I know you go to meeting but do you actually read the books and work the steps? Those are the program. Meetings are just a fellowship. And you don't need a sponsor.
All your posts seem to be about your husband and what he is or isn't doing. What are you doing?
You still need to really rethink your behavior. It's like your alcohol obsession has been converted into a control husband obession. I know you go to meeting but do you actually read the books and work the steps? Those are the program. Meetings are just a fellowship. And you don't need a sponsor.
All your posts seem to be about your husband and what he is or isn't doing. What are you doing?
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Originally Posted by LexieCat 
What would happen if you just let HIM manage his stuff? His mail, his spending, his other responsibilities? Even if it seems "OK" with him most of the time, it sounds as if he might be letting you manage things just because it seems easier or because it seems important to you, and underneath he knows he's being treated like a child, and resents it.
I would never for a second excuse abusive conduct, but people DO get legitimately angry at times. Maybe he only feels he can express it when he's drinking. A lot of alcoholics bottle up their emotions and let them out only when they drink.
What I seem to observe as a recurring theme in your posts is this child-parent push-pull between the two of you. He's behaving like a child, constantly testing what you will "allow" him to do. And you're behaving like the parent, who lays down the law, but can be sweet-talked into "giving in" on the "rules"--as long as he behaves.
It can be a challenge to break out of the roles you've created for yourselves, but it seems to me that the way you are living is exhausting.
I would never for a second excuse abusive conduct, but people DO get legitimately angry at times. Maybe he only feels he can express it when he's drinking. A lot of alcoholics bottle up their emotions and let them out only when they drink.
What I seem to observe as a recurring theme in your posts is this child-parent push-pull between the two of you. He's behaving like a child, constantly testing what you will "allow" him to do. And you're behaving like the parent, who lays down the law, but can be sweet-talked into "giving in" on the "rules"--as long as he behaves.
It can be a challenge to break out of the roles you've created for yourselves, but it seems to me that the way you are living is exhausting.
I would definitely leave the relationship if I saw that he was spending so much that we could no longer pay rent (even though my parents already pay half of it), and also if things were getting lost and not done. I think he knows that I would leave the relationship (who wouldn't if they saw their bank account depleting), and so I think he WANTS me to handle these things because otherwise the consequence would be the loss of his relationship. When he got fired from his last job for calling a coworker a c---, I was the one that created a resume for him and found him his current job. He told me that he would not have been able to create the resume or find another job, and that he currently would be unemployed if not for me. So I pretty much think he knows where our relationship would be if I did not control everything - there would be no relationship.
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Sounds a little like my X. Been in and out of an instituion and on and off drugs for so long he never learned how to do all that stuff. I am great with money, so had we married I would have been the one to handle it. I didn't realize when I was with him how me doing everything would keep him from learning it himself. What if something happened to me--would I trust him to manage money for the two of us? Sadly, no. I hope my X takes the chance he has now to straighten up and learn how to be an adult.
Take care of yourself, JB.
Take care of yourself, JB.
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Wow! You eat out several times a week and you are going on a cruise but your parents cover half your rent? No wonder your husband behaves like a child. You both are.
Don't you think it's time both of you start pulling your own weight?
Don't you think it's time both of you start pulling your own weight?
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Hi JB,
Sorry about all the turmoil going on in your life, but I'm happy that you continue to post here on SR.
My XAH also had problems with meth and pot. He also wasn't very good at handling the finances, which meant I was the one that needed to make sure the bills were paid on time.
I used to think the pot use was the lesser of two evils, so even though I didn't like it, I was more tolerant about it. In time, however, I came to see that he was just trading one addiction for another. Whether it was pot or meth, he was simply "checking out". He was checking out of his responsibilities, our marriage, and basically life. There was a time when people he cared deeply about were facing health issues, and he just continued to check out. It was all about him and how he felt and the rest of the world be damned.
Eventually, I realized that a healthy marriage requires both people to be actively involved in the relationship and to be present in the moment. My partner should want to be with me, not drugs. It's one thing for him to choose the drugs over his loved ones, it was another thing for me to put up with it. If he had a choice between you and weed, which one would he choose? In continuing to smoke pot on a daily basis, is he also escaping from you and your marriage?
As far as you doing so much for him (writing his resumes, helping him get a new job, handling his mail, etc), be careful that your ego doesn't get too involved with this. It's very easy to start to think, "He would be lost without me, it's a good thing I'm around to help/save him" or "What would he do without me?" Many people fall into the trap of thinking that they are indispensable to their loved one and put themselves on a pedestal. I'm not saying that is the case with you, but just something to watch out for.
Sending you lots of hugs and prayers.
Sorry about all the turmoil going on in your life, but I'm happy that you continue to post here on SR.
My XAH also had problems with meth and pot. He also wasn't very good at handling the finances, which meant I was the one that needed to make sure the bills were paid on time.
I used to think the pot use was the lesser of two evils, so even though I didn't like it, I was more tolerant about it. In time, however, I came to see that he was just trading one addiction for another. Whether it was pot or meth, he was simply "checking out". He was checking out of his responsibilities, our marriage, and basically life. There was a time when people he cared deeply about were facing health issues, and he just continued to check out. It was all about him and how he felt and the rest of the world be damned.
Eventually, I realized that a healthy marriage requires both people to be actively involved in the relationship and to be present in the moment. My partner should want to be with me, not drugs. It's one thing for him to choose the drugs over his loved ones, it was another thing for me to put up with it. If he had a choice between you and weed, which one would he choose? In continuing to smoke pot on a daily basis, is he also escaping from you and your marriage?
As far as you doing so much for him (writing his resumes, helping him get a new job, handling his mail, etc), be careful that your ego doesn't get too involved with this. It's very easy to start to think, "He would be lost without me, it's a good thing I'm around to help/save him" or "What would he do without me?" Many people fall into the trap of thinking that they are indispensable to their loved one and put themselves on a pedestal. I'm not saying that is the case with you, but just something to watch out for.
Sending you lots of hugs and prayers.
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Originally Posted by cookiesncream
JB I hear that you are struggling on a lot of fronts. Its hard to tackle a lot of things all at once. In reading many of your posts what I'm reading into is:
-Your own sobriety
-Reconciling your perceptions of the definition of an alcoholic based on your behavior when drinking vs. his behavior while drinking
-Belligerent behavior on your hubbies part that most commonly exhibits itself when he is drinking
-Accepting the fact that you are indeed very controlling (sorry calling you on this one) and this is not healthy behavior on your part
-Accepting that you cannot ultimately control your husband's drinking at all times
-Accepting the fact that if your husband does become belligerent you may need to re-examine your marriage. At this point you are overwhelmed enough that right at this moment this option is too overwhelming to tackle
-Accepting the fact that you may well face physical abuse in the future which may lead to items listed above.
This is an awful lot on your plate to tackle all at once and just reading it is overwhelming to me and I'm not sitting in your shoes. That said all of what I have said changes nothing for you. I guess I would say this as just food for thought as you struggle with so many things. Last year while I was attending outpatient rehab we had many group discussions. The question was posed as to whether the behavior we exhibited while drinking was a reflection of our TRUE selves. Most of us admitted to yes, drinking exaggerated our true selves. As a general rule while drinking I was most inclined to slur words, repeat myself, and pass out rather than become mean. However I definitely know that there were a few occasions where while drinking I vented a lot of frustrations over controlling behavior by my husband that I never had the courage to sober. Back to my point... its darned hard I know but think about whether drinking is causing his behavior or whether it is masking his true self which is in fact an angry person?
As always when I read your posts I am most concerned about the possibility of physical violence on his part. I'd have a safety plan in mind at all times. If you don't I'm very concerned about the consequences.
Peace,
Cookies
-Your own sobriety
-Reconciling your perceptions of the definition of an alcoholic based on your behavior when drinking vs. his behavior while drinking
-Belligerent behavior on your hubbies part that most commonly exhibits itself when he is drinking
-Accepting the fact that you are indeed very controlling (sorry calling you on this one) and this is not healthy behavior on your part
-Accepting that you cannot ultimately control your husband's drinking at all times
-Accepting the fact that if your husband does become belligerent you may need to re-examine your marriage. At this point you are overwhelmed enough that right at this moment this option is too overwhelming to tackle
-Accepting the fact that you may well face physical abuse in the future which may lead to items listed above.
This is an awful lot on your plate to tackle all at once and just reading it is overwhelming to me and I'm not sitting in your shoes. That said all of what I have said changes nothing for you. I guess I would say this as just food for thought as you struggle with so many things. Last year while I was attending outpatient rehab we had many group discussions. The question was posed as to whether the behavior we exhibited while drinking was a reflection of our TRUE selves. Most of us admitted to yes, drinking exaggerated our true selves. As a general rule while drinking I was most inclined to slur words, repeat myself, and pass out rather than become mean. However I definitely know that there were a few occasions where while drinking I vented a lot of frustrations over controlling behavior by my husband that I never had the courage to sober. Back to my point... its darned hard I know but think about whether drinking is causing his behavior or whether it is masking his true self which is in fact an angry person?
As always when I read your posts I am most concerned about the possibility of physical violence on his part. I'd have a safety plan in mind at all times. If you don't I'm very concerned about the consequences.
Peace,
Cookies
We recently further talked about the mail issue, and he admitted it means nothing to me. He told me the other day to get his taxes in the mail and give to my dad. He told me the other day to fill out his DMV renewal and mail it in. When the hospital calls him to set up an appointment, he tells them to call his wife and have her deal with it. I asked him what he could have been so worried about last night about him not getting in the mail. He had no answer and then joked that if he received a check for $10,000, then I would take it. Like I said, it was just irrational for him to bring that up last night.
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Originally Posted by suki44883
No disrespect meant, but this sounds like an explosion just waiting to happen. On the one hand you have someone who tends to get belligerent and aggressive when drinking; on the other hand, you have someone who is quite controlling and treats the drinker like a child. The drinker resents this and that resentment comes out after having a few drinks. This is a toxic mix and I'm just afraid at some point, he is going to rebel by getting very drunk and his anger is going to be focused on you.
You say you'll leave and go to your parents' house. Well, what if you can't? What if he stops you from leaving? What if he takes your phone away so you can't call 911? There are so many variables of what could happen, so thinking you can just walk away from him when he gets mean is quite naive.
Drinking aside, if someone treated me like a child, even going so far as to intercept my mail and "taking care" of it, I would be very angry. You really don't have the right to do that.
Again, I mean no disrespect when I say that this situation doesn't bode well. At some point, something's got to give.
You say you'll leave and go to your parents' house. Well, what if you can't? What if he stops you from leaving? What if he takes your phone away so you can't call 911? There are so many variables of what could happen, so thinking you can just walk away from him when he gets mean is quite naive.
Drinking aside, if someone treated me like a child, even going so far as to intercept my mail and "taking care" of it, I would be very angry. You really don't have the right to do that.
Again, I mean no disrespect when I say that this situation doesn't bode well. At some point, something's got to give.
You are right about the 911 and maybe not letting me go. But that is a risk I am willing to take at this time.
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Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr
Your husband was angry because he could only have two beers. Non-alcoholics have no problem having one or two drinks but once an alcoholic picks up a drink they can't stop. So he was frustrated. Typically recovering alcoholics with no program or therapy are angry too. In the meantime, isn't it up to him how how many beers he drinks? If he should go into recovery it will be his decision to stop drinking.
But you are right on about the two drink limit. He got angry last night not because of the mail, or because I am controlling, etc, etc, but because he "had to stop at 2," and that made him angry as an alcoholic.
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Originally Posted by maia1234
JB- What a great thread of comments. I have copied and saved a bunch of comments for my future readings.
JB, give yourself some time and soak it all in. It will click and I hope you are comprehending advise from alanons and A's. No therapist could help you as much as these people are!!
Give him to his higher power so you can relax!!
JB, give yourself some time and soak it all in. It will click and I hope you are comprehending advise from alanons and A's. No therapist could help you as much as these people are!!
Give him to his higher power so you can relax!!
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Originally Posted by Fandy
actually, I would be LIVID if my spouse opened my mail. Taking someone's mail is so controlling and intrusive, even though you refer to it as "handling it". Even if you are the one paying the bills, it still is wrong to not even give him this privacy.
It seems that you cannot accept that he does have the right to disagree with you or question anything you say.
It seems that you cannot accept that he does have the right to disagree with you or question anything you say.
But I understand your feelings about your own mail. But that is not how my husband has felt in the past or today.
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Originally Posted by auroraxborealis
I used to get heated when my dad would open my mail. I was off at college, and he would open some of my credit card bills. I pitched a fit, and he did stop, but not before "threatening" that if I didn't want my mail opened, I could get my own PO box. I use quotes because although my parents rarely resort to these threats, they are all in vain. Today, he won't even open something upon request. Full disclosure, I was in college, going to school full-time and not working, so I was racking up debt that I didn't want him to know about.
Sounds like your husband had been stewing over some of the aspects of his life that are not under his control. Liquid courage let that come out. After having a chance to sober up some, he "forgot" why it was such a big deal. Or maybe he realized that he stands no chance, because you decided that's the way the cookie crumbles. Sounds like it it's easier for him to back down than challenge you.
He may lack the communication skills needed to explain to you (while sober) how your controlling his life is bothering him. He may use the state of mind of drinking as an opportunity to express those--again, "liquid courage."
Sounds like your husband had been stewing over some of the aspects of his life that are not under his control. Liquid courage let that come out. After having a chance to sober up some, he "forgot" why it was such a big deal. Or maybe he realized that he stands no chance, because you decided that's the way the cookie crumbles. Sounds like it it's easier for him to back down than challenge you.
He may lack the communication skills needed to explain to you (while sober) how your controlling his life is bothering him. He may use the state of mind of drinking as an opportunity to express those--again, "liquid courage."
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Hello everyone,
I have removed some posts under SR Rule 4. Please remember that if you find yourself angered or frustrated by a particular thread--it is not necessary to post a reply. Also remember that the Ignore List is an excellent tool for your own recovery. I can't recommend it enough.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...st-repost.html
I have removed some posts under SR Rule 4. Please remember that if you find yourself angered or frustrated by a particular thread--it is not necessary to post a reply. Also remember that the Ignore List is an excellent tool for your own recovery. I can't recommend it enough.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...st-repost.html
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JB there was nothing irrational about him bringing up the mail issue last night. It was perfectly rational. And when he finally blows up properly that will be rational also. I sincerely hope that when he does blow up that it does not involve you getting physically hurt.
I really think you need to open your ears to the advice you have been getting here. To be honest I can barely read many of your posts given the treatment of you towards your husband. You are taking away whatever self respect and dignity he has as a person. His reaction to the mail was simply the expression of his resentment towards this.He is not a two year old child, he is an adult in a supposedly loving relationship with you.
What are doing with this two beers limit is cruel and completely pointless. Essentially it is like you have an animal trapped in a cage and you are prodding it each day with a stick. Just enough to irritate it and then you are tutting because it is getting irritated and then saying to everyone "hey everyone look, look at how irritated this animal gets when I prod it with a stick".
The two beers is allowing his addiction to feed but stopping him from hitting bottom and therefore depriving him of the chance to recover. And every day that goes by with you abusing him like this will turn up the pressure that bit more. One day, it will snap and I would not be surprised if that way was not too far off.
I am not for one second justifying your husband's threat of physical violence towards you and his very deep addiction problems (which include smoking pot). But I can see that you have received much advice on how to protect yourself which you have largely chosen to ignore which is absolutely your right. But the warning signs are there for you and the pressure is building and I would kindly ask you to reconsider the way you are treating him.
I really think you need to open your ears to the advice you have been getting here. To be honest I can barely read many of your posts given the treatment of you towards your husband. You are taking away whatever self respect and dignity he has as a person. His reaction to the mail was simply the expression of his resentment towards this.He is not a two year old child, he is an adult in a supposedly loving relationship with you.
What are doing with this two beers limit is cruel and completely pointless. Essentially it is like you have an animal trapped in a cage and you are prodding it each day with a stick. Just enough to irritate it and then you are tutting because it is getting irritated and then saying to everyone "hey everyone look, look at how irritated this animal gets when I prod it with a stick".
The two beers is allowing his addiction to feed but stopping him from hitting bottom and therefore depriving him of the chance to recover. And every day that goes by with you abusing him like this will turn up the pressure that bit more. One day, it will snap and I would not be surprised if that way was not too far off.
I am not for one second justifying your husband's threat of physical violence towards you and his very deep addiction problems (which include smoking pot). But I can see that you have received much advice on how to protect yourself which you have largely chosen to ignore which is absolutely your right. But the warning signs are there for you and the pressure is building and I would kindly ask you to reconsider the way you are treating him.
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Originally Posted by Justbreathe1980
If I let him control these things, we would probably have no more money. He spends so much and has no understanding of a budget. Last night at Applebees, he wanted to buy the painting on the wall. He then wanted to buy me some more jackets since I "always wear the same one." If I let him control the mail, he would have lost the envelope to renew his DMV license because he is disorganized and stoned on weed all of the time, and so he would be driving with an expired license. Basically, he cannot take care of himself or these things. When I met him, he had no money and no car, and I can understand why. His early years of abusing meth affected him, and he never learned how to manage money, mail, or anything else.
I would definitely leave the relationship if I saw that he was spending so much that we could no longer pay rent (even though my parents already pay half of it), and also if things were getting lost and not done. I think he knows that I would leave the relationship (who wouldn't if they saw their bank account depleting), and so I think he WANTS me to handle these things because otherwise the consequence would be the loss of his relationship. When he got fired from his last job for calling a coworker a c---, I was the one that created a resume for him and found him his current job. He told me that he would not have been able to create the resume or find another job, and that he currently would be unemployed if not for me. So I pretty much think he knows where our relationship would be if I did not control everything - there would be no relationship.
I would definitely leave the relationship if I saw that he was spending so much that we could no longer pay rent (even though my parents already pay half of it), and also if things were getting lost and not done. I think he knows that I would leave the relationship (who wouldn't if they saw their bank account depleting), and so I think he WANTS me to handle these things because otherwise the consequence would be the loss of his relationship. When he got fired from his last job for calling a coworker a c---, I was the one that created a resume for him and found him his current job. He told me that he would not have been able to create the resume or find another job, and that he currently would be unemployed if not for me. So I pretty much think he knows where our relationship would be if I did not control everything - there would be no relationship.
What do you get out of this?
You must be freakin' exhausted.
How old is this King Baby anyway?
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Originally Posted by LLLisa
Why on EARTH would you even WANT TO be in a "relationship" with a two year old in a man's body? What you described up there is horrendous!
What do you get out of this?
You must be freakin' exhausted.
How old is this King Baby anyway?
What do you get out of this?
You must be freakin' exhausted.
How old is this King Baby anyway?
^^^^^ This. So much this.
From my experience, sure he wants you to open and deal with his mail now, but the second you make a decision about the contents of his mail that backfires on him, you will be in for days of verbal abuse in the very least. How do I know? Because I was where you were. I dealt with all the mail.
I made a decision to not renew one type of health insurance because we could not afford it at the time. He got black out drunk, injured himself and required that insurance. We ended up with a $3000 bill. Which of course, was my fault.
You say the mail isn't the problem, but believe me, it will be.
I want to reiterate LLLisa's question. What do you get out of this relationship? It's certainly not an equal partnership with 2 people supporting each other.
Some final questions. Why are you prepared to stay with someone that is not willing to do EVERYTHING (recovery program, rehab etc) to overcome their addictions? Surely if he really wanted to save your marriage he would be trying to ANYTHING to stay sober?
I wish you strength, courage and serenity. Please stay safe.
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To be honest I can barely read many of your posts given the treatment of you towards your husband. You are taking away whatever self respect and dignity he has as a person. His reaction to the mail was simply the expression of his resentment towards this.He is not a two year old child, he is an adult in a supposedly loving relationship with you.
What are doing with this two beers limit is cruel and completely pointless. Essentially it is like you have an animal trapped in a cage and you are prodding it each day with a stick. Just enough to irritate it and then you are tutting because it is getting irritated and then saying to everyone "hey everyone look, look at how irritated this animal gets when I prod it with a stick".
What are doing with this two beers limit is cruel and completely pointless. Essentially it is like you have an animal trapped in a cage and you are prodding it each day with a stick. Just enough to irritate it and then you are tutting because it is getting irritated and then saying to everyone "hey everyone look, look at how irritated this animal gets when I prod it with a stick".
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Originally Posted by Carlotta
This is exactly how I see it too and I am glad that I am not the only one who feels sorry for him. He might be an active alcoholic but he is still a human being and should be treated with dignity.
But....if a woman was to come here and say....
My husband is a few months sober...but he's withholding our finances, not giving me access to my mail, he's making constantly changing rules about how, when and where I drink, is constantly threatening to leave me and go home to his parents if he doesn't like what I'm saying or how I'm behaving, has his parents pay our rent but spends money gambling...I keep quiet to placate him....but sometimes I feel so angry and belittled that I try and voice my feelings when I've gotten up enough courage....and he calls me insane and irrational....treats me like I'm a child...I act like one to keep the peace...but I'm an adult and feel total diminished...
Well we'd probably be telling her she's being verbally, emotionally and financially abused and encourage her to seek help.
Does your AH go to al-anon?
I'm not excusing his threat of physical violence in any way, shape or form....but to me this seems like an mutually abusive relationship.
I hope this all works out for both of you...
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