kids are hurting and I am hurting
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'm sure this is all very exhausting. You're doing GREAT.
Please do call the advocate and find out what else can be done about getting an order. I think this is extremely important, regardless of whether you feel physically safe in your house. An order would stop him from calling, texting, hanging around your house, showing up at school, etc. It MAY be that the denial of the temporary order won't prevent you from having a hearing for a final/permanent order. It may be that there is a way to have the denial reviewed by a higher court. Keep asking questions and be persistent. In terms of your safety, this may be more important than the criminal charge (though that's important too--much of the protection that a protective order would give you could be included as conditions of probation if he's convicted of assaulting you).
Hugs, I wish I could swoop out there and help you with this stuff, myself.
Please do call the advocate and find out what else can be done about getting an order. I think this is extremely important, regardless of whether you feel physically safe in your house. An order would stop him from calling, texting, hanging around your house, showing up at school, etc. It MAY be that the denial of the temporary order won't prevent you from having a hearing for a final/permanent order. It may be that there is a way to have the denial reviewed by a higher court. Keep asking questions and be persistent. In terms of your safety, this may be more important than the criminal charge (though that's important too--much of the protection that a protective order would give you could be included as conditions of probation if he's convicted of assaulting you).
Hugs, I wish I could swoop out there and help you with this stuff, myself.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,431
I think you are doing a great job dealing with all of this--especially emotionally.
It sounds like you are processing that difficult stuff right along with keeping up with
school, parenting, his boss, and the court issues.
You're something else, free. . .
It sounds like you are processing that difficult stuff right along with keeping up with
school, parenting, his boss, and the court issues.
You're something else, free. . .
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
No one will tell me anything about what is going on because technically I'm the victim.
I second Lexie's suggestion to call the DV advocate again. I'm pretty upset that you didn't get that protective order. Is there more than one judge? I don't know if you can request another judge, or if that's only in civil matters you can do that?
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
I hope that PO gets approved SOON, Free... hopefully it's nothing but a little red tape that takes a day or so and you will have it granted. You are such a great example for so many on your journey. Standing up for yourself and saying NO MORE to the abuse. I just wanted to let you know I'm sending you strength.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,022
Update: Still waiting for a phone call from DV. I talked to my grandma and my sister. It really sounds like they are scared I am going to get hoovered back into this mess. I guess I will simply have to prove it through my actions.
I got a call from a girl today with a "message" from AH. I don't know who the girl is. Nor do I really care, actually. She said AH wanted me to know that I can pick up my debit card. He signed it out to me. Ok- wonderful. He drained all the money off of it- so there's nothing on it. But hey, thanks HUSBAND. (eye roll)
For some reason, I feel like it's a ploy on his part and I don't feel like falling into those games. Any thoughts on this? Why would he want me to know I can pick that card up, when he KNOWS there is no money on it? I mean, in the long run, it's not important. But for ME, to understand his frame of mind and how I can protect myself, it would be nice to know the why. I don't know if it is the severing ties tactic or the hoover tactic- trying to play on my heart strings- ya know? like him saying " I know you need this, so here it is" kind of thing (?)...eh whatever. I'm not wasting too much time on it I guess.
I got to dissect a sheep heart today- how amazing it is to hold that intensely powerful organ that is the driving force behind most life here on earth. Looking at the valves in the heart, they are so fragile and yet so important. It was pretty cool. It reminded me of how precious life is.
I'm going to jam out my homework today and boy do I have a lot. Nothing is happening today, I am safe, and the kids are safe.
The girls have been sleeping with me since AH was arrested...but I just don't think I can let them do that tonight! Bunch of BED HOGS! My 12 year old lays on AH's side and my 10 year old lays down by our feet...so I end up curled in this fetal position to avoid hitting her in the head...it's not the best arrangment. But I hate to tell them no, when I know they need me right now. Maybe I'll just suffer for a while. I know they are scared of losing their older siblings. I know that is TERRIFYING for them. it's terrifying for me.
God is in control of all this. He really is. Grandma kept telling me to let go and let God today. She is right. This isn't my show- it's between Him and AH.
Again, thanks so much you guys- I would be lost with SR right now. It's been a saving grace and you guys are amazing!
I got a call from a girl today with a "message" from AH. I don't know who the girl is. Nor do I really care, actually. She said AH wanted me to know that I can pick up my debit card. He signed it out to me. Ok- wonderful. He drained all the money off of it- so there's nothing on it. But hey, thanks HUSBAND. (eye roll)
For some reason, I feel like it's a ploy on his part and I don't feel like falling into those games. Any thoughts on this? Why would he want me to know I can pick that card up, when he KNOWS there is no money on it? I mean, in the long run, it's not important. But for ME, to understand his frame of mind and how I can protect myself, it would be nice to know the why. I don't know if it is the severing ties tactic or the hoover tactic- trying to play on my heart strings- ya know? like him saying " I know you need this, so here it is" kind of thing (?)...eh whatever. I'm not wasting too much time on it I guess.
I got to dissect a sheep heart today- how amazing it is to hold that intensely powerful organ that is the driving force behind most life here on earth. Looking at the valves in the heart, they are so fragile and yet so important. It was pretty cool. It reminded me of how precious life is.
I'm going to jam out my homework today and boy do I have a lot. Nothing is happening today, I am safe, and the kids are safe.
The girls have been sleeping with me since AH was arrested...but I just don't think I can let them do that tonight! Bunch of BED HOGS! My 12 year old lays on AH's side and my 10 year old lays down by our feet...so I end up curled in this fetal position to avoid hitting her in the head...it's not the best arrangment. But I hate to tell them no, when I know they need me right now. Maybe I'll just suffer for a while. I know they are scared of losing their older siblings. I know that is TERRIFYING for them. it's terrifying for me.
God is in control of all this. He really is. Grandma kept telling me to let go and let God today. She is right. This isn't my show- it's between Him and AH.
Again, thanks so much you guys- I would be lost with SR right now. It's been a saving grace and you guys are amazing!
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
A sheep heart?! Excuse me while I gag LOL! You have a tough stomach Free!
My kids both slept with me for a while after we split. They did eventually find their way back to their own beds. I get the bed hog part, ugh!
I agree that the call about the card is a ploy to get you there to speak to him. DON'T ENGAGE!!!
Hugs my friend, you are doing great!
My kids both slept with me for a while after we split. They did eventually find their way back to their own beds. I get the bed hog part, ugh!
I agree that the call about the card is a ploy to get you there to speak to him. DON'T ENGAGE!!!
Hugs my friend, you are doing great!
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Meh who cares why he signed it out. It could be as a ridiculous ploy, or it could be that he is concerned that someone may steal it LOL. Doesn't sound like you plan on picking it up and good thing not because down the road that's a reason to contact you to get it back.
You are doing great Free!
You are doing great Free!
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
We have human shoulders and knees for ortho practice shipped over from the anatomy lab if anyone is interested. (just like door hinges)... 
I thought the man was still in jail? maybe the person that phoned you was from there? acting as the messenger?
I thought the man was still in jail? maybe the person that phoned you was from there? acting as the messenger?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Probably depends on whether he's co-owner of any of the accounts. If he isn't, yeah, I'd be getting new accounts.
The phone call could have come from a social worker at the jail, but such a person probably would have identified herself as such. I'd be a little leery, too, I think. Better to open a new account and let that one die.
Ok, the topic for today is setting boundaries in bed with the bed hogs.
The phone call could have come from a social worker at the jail, but such a person probably would have identified herself as such. I'd be a little leery, too, I think. Better to open a new account and let that one die.
Ok, the topic for today is setting boundaries in bed with the bed hogs.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Who knows Free? It's part of the push-pull go away/come back dance, IMO. He probably has it set up in his mind that by returning the card he's doing something good & proactive & that way he can put this in his plus/pro column when he's tallying the blows between you.
I'd let the account drain out & start a new one registered in your name only. That's what I did when the crap hit the fan financially in our lives. RAH has a track record of being financially irresponsible so this is part of my security. I have decided that I will ALWAYS have an account in my name only going forward - even if/when we open a new joint acct. I teach my DD this now too, as part of her Independent Girl Learning, lol. (Hoping he is learning better now, but that's a different post. )
DD slept with me for a while when RAH & I first separated too - but she was only 5 & we were sharing a king-sized bed.
I had a hard time turning her away emotionally so I let her co-sleep for a couple of months & then transitioned her back into her own room slowly. I didn't want her to stay stuck in that place emotionally, I needed her to get her confidence back enough to be able to sleep alone because *I* needed to be alone sometimes. It was rough for about 4-6 months all told, but it worked out. We had great closeness when she needed it & I moved her on before she got dependent on having me there every night.
I'd let the account drain out & start a new one registered in your name only. That's what I did when the crap hit the fan financially in our lives. RAH has a track record of being financially irresponsible so this is part of my security. I have decided that I will ALWAYS have an account in my name only going forward - even if/when we open a new joint acct. I teach my DD this now too, as part of her Independent Girl Learning, lol. (Hoping he is learning better now, but that's a different post.
)DD slept with me for a while when RAH & I first separated too - but she was only 5 & we were sharing a king-sized bed.
I had a hard time turning her away emotionally so I let her co-sleep for a couple of months & then transitioned her back into her own room slowly. I didn't want her to stay stuck in that place emotionally, I needed her to get her confidence back enough to be able to sleep alone because *I* needed to be alone sometimes. It was rough for about 4-6 months all told, but it worked out. We had great closeness when she needed it & I moved her on before she got dependent on having me there every night.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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Well, the debit card is actually MINE- in MY name. And this girl called from a Colorado number, so I don't know. I just don't really care.
Yes, HOPEFUL4-- touch stomach indeed. In fact, no one in my group wanted to cut it open, so I did the honors.
Dandy gave me some advice a while back that I never put into play and now I think I will. I feel myself starting to relent and get all mushy gushy. NOPE- can't do it.
So I'm going to write on the notecards- an event or two- and some of the names that he has called me to reaffirm into my brain WHY I am doing this. I need to remember WHY. It's so easy to get clouded judgment..especially now ( I'm prementral and super emotional). So I'm going to do that now. I have to.
Just talked to my friend from my childhood and she is sooo confident. I admire her so much because she just doesn't care what the world thinks. I told her AH said that me asking him to move out was only me trying to make room for another man...she said "yep, you should have asked him if he had a few phone numbers of some GOOD men for ya". Ha ha! That made me laugh.
I can do this (I know I keep saying that- but I have to keep reminding myself). If he won't move out and live serparately to work on the marriage then it's not that important to him.
And the thing that needs to happen is just to move on.....
Yes, HOPEFUL4-- touch stomach indeed. In fact, no one in my group wanted to cut it open, so I did the honors.
Dandy gave me some advice a while back that I never put into play and now I think I will. I feel myself starting to relent and get all mushy gushy. NOPE- can't do it.
So I'm going to write on the notecards- an event or two- and some of the names that he has called me to reaffirm into my brain WHY I am doing this. I need to remember WHY. It's so easy to get clouded judgment..especially now ( I'm prementral and super emotional). So I'm going to do that now. I have to.
Just talked to my friend from my childhood and she is sooo confident. I admire her so much because she just doesn't care what the world thinks. I told her AH said that me asking him to move out was only me trying to make room for another man...she said "yep, you should have asked him if he had a few phone numbers of some GOOD men for ya". Ha ha! That made me laugh.
I can do this (I know I keep saying that- but I have to keep reminding myself). If he won't move out and live serparately to work on the marriage then it's not that important to him.
And the thing that needs to happen is just to move on.....
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Just a reminder, too--he very well MIGHT "agree" to move out and "work on the marriage"--you can't TRUST HIM to do that, no matter what he says. Even if he MEANS it when he says it, he cannot trust HIMSELF to follow through.
There is way more going on with him than separation, counseling, and getting sober will fix. Some people really are broken beyond repair, and it sounds like he may be one of them.
There is way more going on with him than separation, counseling, and getting sober will fix. Some people really are broken beyond repair, and it sounds like he may be one of them.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Olney, MD
Posts: 268
OT-but ahhhh.......the joys of A&P. I remener it like it was yesterday Haha! We had to do a cat, which picked me out a bit but was ok as long as I didn't have to see it's face, and a cow eye which.............urg. Eyes that are not where they are supposed to be gross me out SO BAD! Every nurse has one Achilles heel in patient care. C'mon Free what's yours lol? Mine is sputum. Thank God I don't work trachs/vents.
Seriously though, you are doing awesome. You're my inspiration.
Seriously though, you are doing awesome. You're my inspiration.
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I really agree with you Lexi- for sure I do.
I don't think he will agree to it anyway-- I mean this is a guy who is probably wondering how many men I have over since he's been in jail-- ya know?
I think there is some mental illness or something along with this.
But if I can just get some more TIME.... time for HIS kids, that would be great. I honestly don't think he is going to do that.
Really, the ball is in his court, IMO. I have control over ME and MY kids...but I have no control over HIS kids. I put a phone call into DSS to see about a CASA worker for his kids and maybe a gaurdian ad lidem (or however it's spelled). I need TIME. He could potentially take these kids and I never see them again. I know he can't leave the state because of these charges, thank God. But they need to stay HOME. In their OWN school, in thier OWN rooms and so forth.
I know I am asking a mean guy to play nice...actually I'm not asking him to be nice. I'm simply saying...if you still have an interest in making this marriage work, I will ONLY do so under the condition that you NOT live here for at least 6 months to a year. I need time. I don't have the resources yet to hire an attourney and Grandma and grandpa are playing touch love with that one-- which is fine. I understand. This is MY problem and I need to handle it.
I don't think he will agree to it anyway-- I mean this is a guy who is probably wondering how many men I have over since he's been in jail-- ya know?
I think there is some mental illness or something along with this.
But if I can just get some more TIME.... time for HIS kids, that would be great. I honestly don't think he is going to do that.
Really, the ball is in his court, IMO. I have control over ME and MY kids...but I have no control over HIS kids. I put a phone call into DSS to see about a CASA worker for his kids and maybe a gaurdian ad lidem (or however it's spelled). I need TIME. He could potentially take these kids and I never see them again. I know he can't leave the state because of these charges, thank God. But they need to stay HOME. In their OWN school, in thier OWN rooms and so forth.
I know I am asking a mean guy to play nice...actually I'm not asking him to be nice. I'm simply saying...if you still have an interest in making this marriage work, I will ONLY do so under the condition that you NOT live here for at least 6 months to a year. I need time. I don't have the resources yet to hire an attourney and Grandma and grandpa are playing touch love with that one-- which is fine. I understand. This is MY problem and I need to handle it.
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Originally Posted by TerpGal 
OT-but ahhhh.......the joys of A&P. I remener it like it was yesterday Haha! We had to do a cat, which picked me out a bit but was ok as long as I didn't have to see it's face, and a cow eye which.............urg. Eyes that are not where they are supposed to be gross me out SO BAD! Every nurse has one Achilles heel in patient care. C'mon Free what's yours lol? Mine is sputum. Thank God I don't work trachs/vents.
Seriously though, you are doing awesome. You're my inspiration.
Seriously though, you are doing awesome. You're my inspiration.
We did the cow eye a couple weeks ago...it was weird.
I worked hospice too, so dead people don't bother me...I don't know what really grosses me out...I guess not too much as of yet. Of course feces is yuk...yeah ok it is probably feces. Baby poop is fine, but adult is ewww!
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