kids are hurting and I am hurting
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
(((Niki)))
I wasn't able to sign in earlier, but my thoughts and prayers have been with you and the kids. You are an amazing woman and a wonderful mother. Each day starts new. May tomorrow be a better day for all of you.
It's okay to feel angry, scared, grief-stricken... it's also okay to be happy about little or big things. Whatever emotions come, they are natural and you have the right to feel them.
Healing started with you. There are great things ahead for you. For now, if you need it, baby steps, easy does it. You've done amazing things today.
I wasn't able to sign in earlier, but my thoughts and prayers have been with you and the kids. You are an amazing woman and a wonderful mother. Each day starts new. May tomorrow be a better day for all of you.
It's okay to feel angry, scared, grief-stricken... it's also okay to be happy about little or big things. Whatever emotions come, they are natural and you have the right to feel them.
Healing started with you. There are great things ahead for you. For now, if you need it, baby steps, easy does it. You've done amazing things today.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
Sending you and your kiddos giant hugs!
I sincerely do hope that you go to the ER to have your neck checked out if for no other reason than to further document what happened. I'm sure sitting at the ER is the LAST thing you want to do right now but it's one of those things that will be useful to you in the future to factually demonstrate what he is capable of.
You are an amazing mother. Your kids and his kids are very lucky to have a fierce mama bear like you taking care of them.
Good luck on your test and I hope you get lots of rest tonight.
I sincerely do hope that you go to the ER to have your neck checked out if for no other reason than to further document what happened. I'm sure sitting at the ER is the LAST thing you want to do right now but it's one of those things that will be useful to you in the future to factually demonstrate what he is capable of.
You are an amazing mother. Your kids and his kids are very lucky to have a fierce mama bear like you taking care of them.
Good luck on your test and I hope you get lots of rest tonight.
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
Originally Posted by Stung 
Sending you and your kiddos giant hugs!
I sincerely do hope that you go to the ER to have your neck checked out if for no other reason than to further document what happened. I'm sure sitting at the ER is the LAST thing you want to do right now but it's one of those things that will be useful to you in the future to factually demonstrate what he is capable of.
You are an amazing mother. Your kids and his kids are very lucky to have a fierce mama bear like you taking care of them.
Good luck on your test and I hope you get lots of rest tonight.
I sincerely do hope that you go to the ER to have your neck checked out if for no other reason than to further document what happened. I'm sure sitting at the ER is the LAST thing you want to do right now but it's one of those things that will be useful to you in the future to factually demonstrate what he is capable of.
You are an amazing mother. Your kids and his kids are very lucky to have a fierce mama bear like you taking care of them.
Good luck on your test and I hope you get lots of rest tonight.
You ARE one kickass woman. I admire your courage.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Posts: 135
Im so very sorry what you had to go through tonight! I know how hard it must be for you and having your girl witness this. The day I kicked my xabf out of the house he came back from getting "boxes" to pack his things, and he was drunk. We got in a verbal fight and i grabbed his cell phone from his hand and he came running after me in the hall way and grabbed the back of my shirt and i fell to the ground. At that moment my 11 year old son came running upstairs and saw him over me. My son was so terrified, and i felt so guilty that he had to see that. I felt like the most awful mom that i put my son though that.
You were so brave to call 911 and your daughter is now seeing your strength. She is learning that NO woman should never stay with someone that is abusing/disrespecting them. After my situation was over i was able to have some great heart to heart talks with my son about what had happened. Try to turn this mess into a great learning experience for her so she won't have to endure a relationship like this when she's older.
Wishing the very best for you!!!! XOXO
You were so brave to call 911 and your daughter is now seeing your strength. She is learning that NO woman should never stay with someone that is abusing/disrespecting them. After my situation was over i was able to have some great heart to heart talks with my son about what had happened. Try to turn this mess into a great learning experience for her so she won't have to endure a relationship like this when she's older.
Wishing the very best for you!!!! XOXO
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,022
Good Morning friends,
The reality of all this is hitting this morning and I'm feeling ......well I'll be honest. Pure honesty- I wish I could take it all back.
I wish he was here.
Don't get me wrong- I understand that this is unhealthy thinking.
I am at the point where I know the difference between what I WANT to do or have happen and what NEEDS to happen. So I'm not going back on this whole deal.
I'm just saying what I am feeling. I'm still following through on everything. I probably will not go to the ER...only because I have an ass load of homework and I'm running out of time. I'll be ok. And I think I have enough documentation to make my point anyway. Plus, it's the beginning of the year, so I have my deductible to meet and I don't want the large expense right now.
I'm taking my oldest daughter on her first date today. I'll drop her off at her boyfriends house and she'll hang out for several hours. Then I'll pick her up. It's kind of a pain in the ass today because this kids house is like 40 miles away... so I'll just have to hang out in town for a while. I think I'll just go park somewhere and do homework.
Grandma and grandpa said they would waive my mortgage while I was in school but ONLY if AH wasn't in the house. If I let him back in, the payments resume again. That would be really helpful. I'm so blessed to have my grandparents. They have been so great through all this.
I feel just really sad today. I mean, I KNEW that he was going to have to go. But I was just praying for a peaceful separation. Of course, that would mean trying to reason with an unreasonable man. So that was just a dream.
I wish he could realize how much his family loves him. How torn up everyone is about this and how much we just wanted him to get healthy.
Oh well. Brighter days are ahead.....just gotta wait the storm out.
I stayed up until almost 1 am with my 12 year old daughter talking about him. How much we loved him, how much we hated him, and how sad we are. She is so mature and wise beyond her years.
Well my 14 year old daughter is staring at me......waiting for me to get ready to go to town. I suppose I better get my butt out of bed and get my homework packed up.
Thanks a million everyone. Things will get better. I know they will.
I really think there has GOT to be some mental illness with this dude. I really do.
The reality of all this is hitting this morning and I'm feeling ......well I'll be honest. Pure honesty- I wish I could take it all back.
I wish he was here.
Don't get me wrong- I understand that this is unhealthy thinking.
I am at the point where I know the difference between what I WANT to do or have happen and what NEEDS to happen. So I'm not going back on this whole deal.
I'm just saying what I am feeling. I'm still following through on everything. I probably will not go to the ER...only because I have an ass load of homework and I'm running out of time. I'll be ok. And I think I have enough documentation to make my point anyway. Plus, it's the beginning of the year, so I have my deductible to meet and I don't want the large expense right now.
I'm taking my oldest daughter on her first date today. I'll drop her off at her boyfriends house and she'll hang out for several hours. Then I'll pick her up. It's kind of a pain in the ass today because this kids house is like 40 miles away... so I'll just have to hang out in town for a while. I think I'll just go park somewhere and do homework.
Grandma and grandpa said they would waive my mortgage while I was in school but ONLY if AH wasn't in the house. If I let him back in, the payments resume again. That would be really helpful. I'm so blessed to have my grandparents. They have been so great through all this.
I feel just really sad today. I mean, I KNEW that he was going to have to go. But I was just praying for a peaceful separation. Of course, that would mean trying to reason with an unreasonable man. So that was just a dream.
I wish he could realize how much his family loves him. How torn up everyone is about this and how much we just wanted him to get healthy.
Oh well. Brighter days are ahead.....just gotta wait the storm out.
I stayed up until almost 1 am with my 12 year old daughter talking about him. How much we loved him, how much we hated him, and how sad we are. She is so mature and wise beyond her years.
Well my 14 year old daughter is staring at me......waiting for me to get ready to go to town. I suppose I better get my butt out of bed and get my homework packed up.
Thanks a million everyone. Things will get better. I know they will.
I really think there has GOT to be some mental illness with this dude. I really do.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 430
Glad to read your update, hun. Been thinking about you! Good that you're noticing the feelings while still maintaining your commitment to what you know NEEDS to happen.
And your grandparents are amazing! What a blessing to have them in your lives.
I admire that you're trying to keep life "normal" for the kiddos by taking your 14 yo on her date, for example, even when there's so much going on with AH and school and the other kids, etc. You're doing an amazing job with all of this. <3 <3
Keep in touch, sister!
And your grandparents are amazing! What a blessing to have them in your lives.
I admire that you're trying to keep life "normal" for the kiddos by taking your 14 yo on her date, for example, even when there's so much going on with AH and school and the other kids, etc. You're doing an amazing job with all of this. <3 <3
Keep in touch, sister!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: West Coast
Posts: 774
Oh (((Free))).... I am crying reading this. Because you have the kids. You are going to have to be the one to protect those babies. Just keep breathing the whole time and do what you can. I read something once that stuck with me. "do what has to be done right now. you can cry later."
I know that sounds really harsh, but when this settles, you can fall apart. Somehow, I think that maybe school has helped keep you on track through all of this, but there has to be someway that speaking to a Dean or a counselor will allow you to at least suspend this semester. I managed to get almost a 4.0 with my BA in the midst of breaking up with a terrible man, losing my home, finding out I got an std, among other horrors. Somehow, the thought of getting good grades and graduating kept me thinking of how I KNEW I had the strength in my to do all it! But please, please remember to be gentle with yourself, and when the time comes, surround yourself with all the support you can muster so that you can just be a puddle of emotions for a while. Right now, it is crisis mode. YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!!
I know that sounds really harsh, but when this settles, you can fall apart. Somehow, I think that maybe school has helped keep you on track through all of this, but there has to be someway that speaking to a Dean or a counselor will allow you to at least suspend this semester. I managed to get almost a 4.0 with my BA in the midst of breaking up with a terrible man, losing my home, finding out I got an std, among other horrors. Somehow, the thought of getting good grades and graduating kept me thinking of how I KNEW I had the strength in my to do all it! But please, please remember to be gentle with yourself, and when the time comes, surround yourself with all the support you can muster so that you can just be a puddle of emotions for a while. Right now, it is crisis mode. YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Glad to read the update.
Yeah, I wish none of it had happened, too, but it did. And you are handling it beautifully.
Here's a link to Nebraska's Crime Victims Reparations (CVR) Services. They would more than likely reimburse any medical expenses you incurred as a result of the crime. (The judge can also order him to pay any medical expenses as part of the protective order or as restitution if he's convicted of assaulting you).
Glad you're able to take your daughter on her date--remember to do something nice for yourself today, too.
And yay for your grandparents. I can't say I blame them a bit for not wanting to put a roof over the head of the man who's abusing their granddaughter. Make sure you get that protective order so he can't claim any right to live there without being evicted. I know in some states that is the normal procedure, but if he's kicked out by the court there's no need to go through that rigmarole.
Hugs, keep us posted. Keeping you and kiddos in thoughts/prayers.
Yeah, I wish none of it had happened, too, but it did. And you are handling it beautifully.
Here's a link to Nebraska's Crime Victims Reparations (CVR) Services. They would more than likely reimburse any medical expenses you incurred as a result of the crime. (The judge can also order him to pay any medical expenses as part of the protective order or as restitution if he's convicted of assaulting you).
Glad you're able to take your daughter on her date--remember to do something nice for yourself today, too.
And yay for your grandparents. I can't say I blame them a bit for not wanting to put a roof over the head of the man who's abusing their granddaughter. Make sure you get that protective order so he can't claim any right to live there without being evicted. I know in some states that is the normal procedure, but if he's kicked out by the court there's no need to go through that rigmarole.
Hugs, keep us posted. Keeping you and kiddos in thoughts/prayers.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
freetosmile....it is good that you know to anticipate the grieving process. At least, it won't throw you for a loop. You know it will come and it will pass. And when it does....you know that you will be in a whole different place.
Might want to go review the Kubler Ross stuff...lol!
Some alone study time will probably feel good.
dandylion
Might want to go review the Kubler Ross stuff...lol!
Some alone study time will probably feel good.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
it's understandable that you wish "none of this would have happened" because it has now propelled you into the next phase. and there's no turning back. and it's new and scary and completely unfamiliar. you are WAAYYYY out of your uncomfortable comfort zone.
but you had no choice babe. he left you NO OTHER CHOICE. once he put his hands around your neck......GAME OVER.
while you drive that 40 miles or so with your daughter for her FIRST DATE PLEASE talk to her about what is and is NOT acceptable in a relationship. she's seen a lot of the negatives, she's seen adults behave poorly. she's seen addiction and abuse first hand. NOW is the time to help her hit her reset button on what love and kindness and healthy look like. today starts the Brand New Normal for ALL of you
take care
be well
stay safe
but you had no choice babe. he left you NO OTHER CHOICE. once he put his hands around your neck......GAME OVER.
while you drive that 40 miles or so with your daughter for her FIRST DATE PLEASE talk to her about what is and is NOT acceptable in a relationship. she's seen a lot of the negatives, she's seen adults behave poorly. she's seen addiction and abuse first hand. NOW is the time to help her hit her reset button on what love and kindness and healthy look like. today starts the Brand New Normal for ALL of you
take care
be well
stay safe
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,022
Went to our local DV- they are going to help me with the protection order. So I got that going for me. That is good.
Getting out of the house was a good feeling. It was like, ok...I can do this. I have been thinking about the things that I can control in this situation- which is actually quite a bit.
1. I can control the kids safety and I can control MY safety.
2. I can control my emotional RESPONSES to what is happening around me.
3. I can control what items leave my house and which items stay.
4. I can control the amount of exposure my children get to this situation from this point out.
5. I can control my own education. I can keep my grades up even through this crisis.
6. I can still get my hysterectomy in March. I HAVE to get that done.
7. I can control the amount of love I give MYSELF during this time.
What I CAN'T control:
1. AH's mouth.
2. AH's consequences
3. AH's ability to take care of himself
4. AH's ability to take his children at ANY time.
5. Anything having to do with AH.
Reminders:
Free is a good person. Free is going to get through this and be SOOO much stronger for it. God has been telling free that he was going to restore and redeem her family. He did NOT say that it would be with AH.
AH is the one losing here. He is losing EVERYTHING. Free is a good wife and would have jumped in front of a train for him....he is too blind to see.
Free is smart and capable. Free can and will make it out of this.
Second reminder:
Time is a healer and this acute agony WILL subside. God is with me. My kids are with me. My dogs are with me.
I am safe from my abuser. I will continue to be safe. I will continue to follow the path, no matter how hard. I can't waste my life anymore thinking that he will change. He is NOT going to change. He is never going to be the husband I dreamed of. He will be abuser until he opens his eyes. He may never open his eyes.
My children and I are worth more than this.
No matter what codie feelings I have--- THIS IS THE WAY IT HAS TO BE. My unhealthy brain could talk me back into this marriage....but I will not allow it this time. I recognize that MY feelings towards him aren't real...they are based off of a sick desperation for love and acceptance. And the worse thing is that I am seeking the love and acceptance from someone that I KNOW is incapable of that. I do that because I know what the outcome will be and it will reaffirm the feelings that I already have about myself. I know I'll be rejected and hurt and I expect it because I feel l am unworthy. So I basically just set myself up for it.
So KNOWING this is at least half the battle. I can't expect me to be instantly healthy...but if I can at least recognize that when I start thinking like that- it's just the sick part of me talking ...not the REAL free...
Getting out of the house was a good feeling. It was like, ok...I can do this. I have been thinking about the things that I can control in this situation- which is actually quite a bit.
1. I can control the kids safety and I can control MY safety.
2. I can control my emotional RESPONSES to what is happening around me.
3. I can control what items leave my house and which items stay.
4. I can control the amount of exposure my children get to this situation from this point out.
5. I can control my own education. I can keep my grades up even through this crisis.
6. I can still get my hysterectomy in March. I HAVE to get that done.
7. I can control the amount of love I give MYSELF during this time.
What I CAN'T control:
1. AH's mouth.
2. AH's consequences
3. AH's ability to take care of himself
4. AH's ability to take his children at ANY time.
5. Anything having to do with AH.
Reminders:
Free is a good person. Free is going to get through this and be SOOO much stronger for it. God has been telling free that he was going to restore and redeem her family. He did NOT say that it would be with AH.
AH is the one losing here. He is losing EVERYTHING. Free is a good wife and would have jumped in front of a train for him....he is too blind to see.
Free is smart and capable. Free can and will make it out of this.
Second reminder:
Time is a healer and this acute agony WILL subside. God is with me. My kids are with me. My dogs are with me.
I am safe from my abuser. I will continue to be safe. I will continue to follow the path, no matter how hard. I can't waste my life anymore thinking that he will change. He is NOT going to change. He is never going to be the husband I dreamed of. He will be abuser until he opens his eyes. He may never open his eyes.
My children and I are worth more than this.
No matter what codie feelings I have--- THIS IS THE WAY IT HAS TO BE. My unhealthy brain could talk me back into this marriage....but I will not allow it this time. I recognize that MY feelings towards him aren't real...they are based off of a sick desperation for love and acceptance. And the worse thing is that I am seeking the love and acceptance from someone that I KNOW is incapable of that. I do that because I know what the outcome will be and it will reaffirm the feelings that I already have about myself. I know I'll be rejected and hurt and I expect it because I feel l am unworthy. So I basically just set myself up for it.
So KNOWING this is at least half the battle. I can't expect me to be instantly healthy...but if I can at least recognize that when I start thinking like that- it's just the sick part of me talking ...not the REAL free...
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
AWESOME!!! You are FREE, hear you ROAR!
I suggest you print out that post of yours and put it someplace where you can read it whenever you need to.
Your head is screwed on straight, your eyes are open. And glad you recognize there may be times when the old thoughts creep in--as you said, things don't change overnight--but you know where you're headed and will regroup and get right back on track when that happens.
Are you gonna be able to be down at the courthouse first thing tomorrow?
I suggest you print out that post of yours and put it someplace where you can read it whenever you need to.
Your head is screwed on straight, your eyes are open. And glad you recognize there may be times when the old thoughts creep in--as you said, things don't change overnight--but you know where you're headed and will regroup and get right back on track when that happens.
Are you gonna be able to be down at the courthouse first thing tomorrow?
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,022
Originally Posted by LexieCat
AWESOME!!! You are FREE, hear you ROAR!
I suggest you print out that post of yours and put it someplace where you can read it whenever you need to.
Your head is screwed on straight, your eyes are open. And glad you recognize there may be times when the old thoughts creep in--as you said, things don't change overnight--but you know where you're headed and will regroup and get right back on track when that happens.
Are you gonna be able to be down at the courthouse first thing tomorrow?
I suggest you print out that post of yours and put it someplace where you can read it whenever you need to.
Your head is screwed on straight, your eyes are open. And glad you recognize there may be times when the old thoughts creep in--as you said, things don't change overnight--but you know where you're headed and will regroup and get right back on track when that happens.
Are you gonna be able to be down at the courthouse first thing tomorrow?
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