Disappointed
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
Disappointed
Hello again folks,
So earlier this week I took the plunge and asked my AH for a separation and named a few boundaries i.e. no more drinking in the house, counseling etc.
In my previous thread you were all so helpful in confirming what I was about to do was the right thing.
My AH immediately stopped drinking cold turkey, has been researching someone to see, has asked that we also see a marriage counselor. He did not move out, we are financially broke and he had nowhere to go that was alcohol free. I agreed th st him moving out could be put on the back burner if he did make positive changes, I also reiterated that he needs to do this for him, not because I told him so. I also told him I had expected the separation option as I expected him to be in denial. He admitted that lately he was scaring himself.
I know it has only been a few days, but some unfavorable results are shining through.
Yesterday I had plans to visit my sisters and have lunch, I checked in every day to make sure he was aware that the kids would be home with him. Yes no problem. Then the day of he starts asking me how long I'll be gone, what am I doing? When will,I be back, he wants to go to work for a few hours.
I reminded him this was something I was looking forward to. He deflected acting like my annoyance was silly.
He had also bee playing the super dad role the past few days, beating me home from work, cleaning, cooking, taking the Kids to the beach yesterday while I was out. Its nice but I have a feeling he is going to wear out. He says he needs to keep busy, occupied.
Today really pissed me off, it was the second day I asked for grocery shopping money, he said he wanted to go together. Ok fine.
Then today he was getting ready for work, I again asked if I could have some grocery money so I could go to a certain store while he was at work. He said he wanted to go together, and that we will be doing all of our shopping at one store. He made it very clear that I was to have no money, and he was in control of our groceries.
I have zero dollars to my name. The last $20 I had I spent at lunch yesterday.
Sorry this is so long,
But my concerns are that his controlling ways and super- fied cleaning and domestic expectations are still raring their ugly heads.
I feel disappointed that my "big talk " really did not resolve many issues. I know it hasn't even been a week yet, so I am trying to be patient. Any input is appreciated.
So earlier this week I took the plunge and asked my AH for a separation and named a few boundaries i.e. no more drinking in the house, counseling etc.
In my previous thread you were all so helpful in confirming what I was about to do was the right thing.
My AH immediately stopped drinking cold turkey, has been researching someone to see, has asked that we also see a marriage counselor. He did not move out, we are financially broke and he had nowhere to go that was alcohol free. I agreed th st him moving out could be put on the back burner if he did make positive changes, I also reiterated that he needs to do this for him, not because I told him so. I also told him I had expected the separation option as I expected him to be in denial. He admitted that lately he was scaring himself.
I know it has only been a few days, but some unfavorable results are shining through.
Yesterday I had plans to visit my sisters and have lunch, I checked in every day to make sure he was aware that the kids would be home with him. Yes no problem. Then the day of he starts asking me how long I'll be gone, what am I doing? When will,I be back, he wants to go to work for a few hours.
I reminded him this was something I was looking forward to. He deflected acting like my annoyance was silly.
He had also bee playing the super dad role the past few days, beating me home from work, cleaning, cooking, taking the Kids to the beach yesterday while I was out. Its nice but I have a feeling he is going to wear out. He says he needs to keep busy, occupied.
Today really pissed me off, it was the second day I asked for grocery shopping money, he said he wanted to go together. Ok fine.
Then today he was getting ready for work, I again asked if I could have some grocery money so I could go to a certain store while he was at work. He said he wanted to go together, and that we will be doing all of our shopping at one store. He made it very clear that I was to have no money, and he was in control of our groceries.
I have zero dollars to my name. The last $20 I had I spent at lunch yesterday.
Sorry this is so long,
But my concerns are that his controlling ways and super- fied cleaning and domestic expectations are still raring their ugly heads.
I feel disappointed that my "big talk " really did not resolve many issues. I know it hasn't even been a week yet, so I am trying to be patient. Any input is appreciated.
Last edited by thousandwords53; 01-25-2015 at 09:35 AM. Reason: typo
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,022
Yikes!
He is VERY controlling. I have dealt with that control too. Not in regards to money, but in regards to having to report where I am all the time, who I am with...to the point where I just didn't do anything with anyone to avoid the arguments. In fact, even if I did tell him all the time, I was probably lying or something.
Is there ANY way you can stash some money aside for you?? I mean, it doesn't sound like you even have the opportunity! Do you work? And if you don't, what would he say about you getting a job? What kind of support do you have for yourself? Any family around that could stash some money for you?
He is WITHHOLDING FOOD! That is not only control but abusive to you and the kids. I'm so sorry you are going through this. What an overwhelming loss of power you must be feeling. But YOU DO have power. You just need to find it.
We need to solve the money thing FIRST though. You and the kids NEED to be able to buy food and YOU need access to some money that you can stash away that HE can't touch!
Hugs hugs and more hugs
He is VERY controlling. I have dealt with that control too. Not in regards to money, but in regards to having to report where I am all the time, who I am with...to the point where I just didn't do anything with anyone to avoid the arguments. In fact, even if I did tell him all the time, I was probably lying or something.
Is there ANY way you can stash some money aside for you?? I mean, it doesn't sound like you even have the opportunity! Do you work? And if you don't, what would he say about you getting a job? What kind of support do you have for yourself? Any family around that could stash some money for you?
He is WITHHOLDING FOOD! That is not only control but abusive to you and the kids. I'm so sorry you are going through this. What an overwhelming loss of power you must be feeling. But YOU DO have power. You just need to find it.
We need to solve the money thing FIRST though. You and the kids NEED to be able to buy food and YOU need access to some money that you can stash away that HE can't touch!
Hugs hugs and more hugs
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Im sorry to hear of this sucky predicament you're in. Sounds like he's just trying to white knuckle the not drinking and is on hyper-mode to stay busy. Do you think this controlling of the $ and where you go and when you'll go is his "punishment" to you for setting a boundary? Has he found a therapist or program himself yet. Or was that just an early ploy trying to show you "action"?
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,022
Originally Posted by Refiner 
Im sorry to hear of this sucky predicament you're in. Sounds like he's just trying to white knuckle the not drinking and is on hyper-mode to stay busy. Do you think this controlling of the $ and where you go and when you'll go is his "punishment" to you for setting a boundary? Has he found a therapist or program himself yet. Or was that just an early ploy trying to show you "action"?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
Thank you. Yes I do have a job, which he feels is a waste of time HA. I make a fraction of what he does. But I can start stashing it. I am salaried and paid monthly which sucks lol. I am also a professional photographer, I have recently put that aside, but when I was taking it seriously and not letting him sabotage that, I was making just as much as him. I need to start my business back up. I miss it. But it came to a point that I was self-sabotaging my art due to the obstacles he provided.
And you are right, I feel so powerless and let down from my attempt at controlling this situation.
Hugs to you as well
And you are right, I feel so powerless and let down from my attempt at controlling this situation.
Hugs to you as well
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
None to popular for me to say this around here . . . but YOU may really want to get YOUR stuff fully together before you give a whit about HIM.
In Alcoholic households -- Money can tend to be a Problem. A BIG Problem. If WE let it be so.
Whether you want to model this as a Mental Illness issue (often it is), there is this guidance from NAMI: (MIS = Mentally Ill Spouse, WS = Well Spouse).
=============
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-illness.html
2. Handling the finances. Most mentally ill persons do not handle money well. This may mean withdrawing credit cards from the MIS. This usually means setting up a separate checking account. This means paying all or nearly all of the bills. We have found that even when the WS has tried to share some bill paying responsibility with the MIS, it usually fails. If the WS is a woman who is not working, she MUST get a job.
================
or if you prefer the 12 Step AA/Alanon Model, there is this from Tradition #7. (as the Welcome goes . . . "which we try, little by little, one day at a time, to apply to our lives . . . .")
Al-Anon Information Services - Southeast Texas
Al-Anon Information Services - Southeast Texas
===========
Tradition #7. Every group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions.
============
On the other hand.
IF you want some Real Misery for years ahead . . . leave yourself financially tied and dependent on an A.
I do not see many happy outcomes from that approach. On here nor in the Real World.
In Alcoholic households -- Money can tend to be a Problem. A BIG Problem. If WE let it be so.
Whether you want to model this as a Mental Illness issue (often it is), there is this guidance from NAMI: (MIS = Mentally Ill Spouse, WS = Well Spouse).
=============
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-illness.html
2. Handling the finances. Most mentally ill persons do not handle money well. This may mean withdrawing credit cards from the MIS. This usually means setting up a separate checking account. This means paying all or nearly all of the bills. We have found that even when the WS has tried to share some bill paying responsibility with the MIS, it usually fails. If the WS is a woman who is not working, she MUST get a job.
================
or if you prefer the 12 Step AA/Alanon Model, there is this from Tradition #7. (as the Welcome goes . . . "which we try, little by little, one day at a time, to apply to our lives . . . .")
Al-Anon Information Services - Southeast Texas
Al-Anon Information Services - Southeast Texas
===========
Tradition #7. Every group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions.
============
On the other hand.
IF you want some Real Misery for years ahead . . . leave yourself financially tied and dependent on an A.
I do not see many happy outcomes from that approach. On here nor in the Real World.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
I think only time will tell if he is white knuckling it. And whether or not he was trying to bide some time while fooling me, and himself that he was taking action. He keeps emphasizing the marital counseling, which is fine, but I think he was trying to distract me from his search for treatment. Gosh. I really wanted him to take me more seriously and at least make himself scarce do a few days. Lol.
Did I mention that I work at an attorney's office? Yup. And I have my court documents just waiting to be printed. ..
Did I mention that I work at an attorney's office? Yup. And I have my court documents just waiting to be printed. ..
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
oh brother. Mine is still a cleaning, laundry, yard chore freak at 21 mo sober.
He also snagged the grocery debit card from me months ago and we've been bickering over groceries and menus and cooking At least once a week since then.
Luckily I have my own income and accounts. But I refuse to take over the whole situation completely.
Sic the kids on him as all snacks and necessary stuff winds down. Our freezer and pantry are mostly empty. It is pretty weird. I'm so sorry you are going through this.
Today I'd make him a grocery list and the food menu for the next 5-7 days. Let him deal with it. I guarantee you'll be hearing about the cost of groceries and he'll be a big Aldis believer in no time! Once upon a time my H wouldn't eat anything from Aldi's.
You need cash. Can you start your own checking account?
He also snagged the grocery debit card from me months ago and we've been bickering over groceries and menus and cooking At least once a week since then.
Luckily I have my own income and accounts. But I refuse to take over the whole situation completely.
Sic the kids on him as all snacks and necessary stuff winds down. Our freezer and pantry are mostly empty. It is pretty weird. I'm so sorry you are going through this.
Today I'd make him a grocery list and the food menu for the next 5-7 days. Let him deal with it. I guarantee you'll be hearing about the cost of groceries and he'll be a big Aldis believer in no time! Once upon a time my H wouldn't eat anything from Aldi's.
You need cash. Can you start your own checking account?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
Yes, I can stash my own cash. And I will.
*Summon savings will power* lol
I have been so used to contributing to all the "extras" of the household, satellite, fun money, tuition for the youngest two etc. This will be hard. But so is staying the way it is.
*Summon savings will power* lol
I have been so used to contributing to all the "extras" of the household, satellite, fun money, tuition for the youngest two etc. This will be hard. But so is staying the way it is.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
he who controls the purse strings, controls the roost.
I see reg flags all over this situation.
What an awful form of control he is using on you. Personally, I find his tactics unacceptable.
you have every right, and reason to be pissed off.
So what can you do for yourself to regain some control over your own life, and not have to be begging him for a couple bucks for bread and milk?
My other thought why does he feel the need to control the money, what is he doing with the money?
I see reg flags all over this situation.
What an awful form of control he is using on you. Personally, I find his tactics unacceptable.
you have every right, and reason to be pissed off.
So what can you do for yourself to regain some control over your own life, and not have to be begging him for a couple bucks for bread and milk?
My other thought why does he feel the need to control the money, what is he doing with the money?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Putting you first, yes your income needs to slide into your new personal account ASAP.
It sounds like photography made you happy. You should return to it asap.
I feel your pain with the monthly pay check.
I'd turn the whole thing over to him and see how it goes...
It sounds like photography made you happy. You should return to it asap.
I feel your pain with the monthly pay check.
I'd turn the whole thing over to him and see how it goes...
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