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If I could go back and do it again

Old 01-11-2015, 10:43 AM
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If I could go back and do it again

I've really been thinking about this a lot and was wondering what other people thought. Not that it matters NOW...but it does sort of matter to me because....well I can't explain it, but this topic IS important to me. So bear with me.

For those who are still in the relationship, I'm wondering if you could go back to where it all began, knowing what you know now..would you walk away or do it again(knowing what you know now- so in essence you would have the coping skills that you have now)?

I would ask that you take a few moments to REALLY think about this. And thanks.
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Old 01-11-2015, 10:58 AM
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No. If I already knew what I learned from being involved with an A, I would not have gotten involved with him in the first place.

That being said, I needed to learn those things, and I don't know how I else I would have. So as much as I consider the time spent with XABF unpleasant...it was not wasted. If I were to get involved with another A at this point, it would be.
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Old 01-11-2015, 11:00 AM
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Here is my only reason for saying yes, I would do it again. My sons. W/o him they would not be in my life. They are a gift.
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Old 01-11-2015, 11:01 AM
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You really hit the nail on the head for me....I don't know if I ever would have learned to begin loving myself had it not been for this relationship. It's a weird feeling...
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Old 01-11-2015, 11:04 AM
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Originally Posted by Katchie View Post
Here is my only reason for saying yes, I would do it again. My sons. W/o them they would not be in my life. They are a gift.
Yes, for me as well. His kids have been a blessing in my life. So would I sacrifice all that "could have been" in order to have those two in my life....I feel like I would.

Again...this is weird for me. I would like to think that I would run like hell. But in the midst of all the storms, some really wonderful things have happened in my life. Of course NONE of these actually involved AH.
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Old 01-11-2015, 11:17 AM
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Even with the kiddos, if you were to choose to get into the relationship for those reasons, do you think knowing what you now know about alcoholism you might have suffered a little less?

I think that going through my first relationship with an alcoholic (my first husband, whose 35-year anniversary is today!), I had a bit too much hope that my second husband would have a similar solid recovery. OTOH, I think knowing what I did know made it a little easier for me to step AWAY when it became clear he was not going to quit, and that his drinking was seriously impacting the quality of my life.
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Old 01-11-2015, 12:27 PM
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I am not in the relationship anymore but I have really thought about this a bunch. I would not do it over again.

I have learned a lot from the experiences I've had. I've learned a lot of really good things but I also sustained a lot of psychological damage...the bad things I learned. The bad outweighs the good. I think had I not let him into my life, I would have progressed much farther then I have. I think I would be mentally and physically healthier. As far as the good things I've learned like the ways I have matured and the strength I have acquired...I think I would have matured and gained strength of mind regardless of him. Like I said the bad outweighed the good...the abuse stunted my growth and traumatized me. Had I been in a healthy relationship or no relationship at all, I bet you I would be way better off despite the few things I did gain/learn from a miserable situation. The reality for me is it was a bad decision that I kept making over and over again....until I didn't.
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Old 01-11-2015, 12:30 PM
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I would also say yes because of my daughter. She is my sanity when I feel insane. She is my everything even when she's sassy. Going forward, I wouldn't get involved with an A again. It's too much. I have learned so much about myself and wouldn't have without him. I am still in my relationship, and I love him, which is making it harder and harder to just walk away. But I would do it again and act differently.
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Old 01-11-2015, 12:32 PM
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I am grateful for all the things I`ve learnt about myself and about relationships, glad I made the mistake now rather than if I had kids/mortage etc..

Would never do it again, I wish I could tell "me" a year ago to steer clear and keep a note of all the red flags!
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Old 01-11-2015, 12:38 PM
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No. Absolutely no way in h*ll. I often think back to when I first met him. I wasn't even all that attracted to him. He was a simple distraction. But then I saw his pain, his hurt, his neediness and WHAM, I was off and running. Our first year together was hell. Plain and simple. He was awful to me and I wasn't quite as awful, but I had my moments with him too. We split for 3 months and that was when I first came here. Everyone warned me to stay away, but of course I didn't listen. I wasn't ready. I didn't "fix" enough and I was CERTAIN that I could. I went back.

Insanely enough, he had completely changed. He was so into us and our relationship. More so than I even was. We got along great, we moved in together, we got engaged, we went on vacations together, we started re-doing the house, we were planning our wedding and overall, we just turned everything around. Until the drinking became an issue. Again.

If I could go back and re-do the very beginning knowing what I know now, yes, I would have ran so fast in the other direction. I've learned a lot, yes, but the heartache, time wasted and feelings of being scarred forever over this relationship was not worth it in my opinion. I had things to learn, I agree, however, I could think of more productive ways to learn than pouring my heart and soul into an alcoholic and almost marrying him.

On the other hand, who knows. Maybe this is a lesson that I needed to learn and this was the only way I would have learned it. Or maybe I would have had to face this later in life, which no, I wouldn't want to at a later time. I'd like to get the heck over it all now and move on from it. Happier and healthier.
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Old 01-11-2015, 12:50 PM
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I think the answer for me would have to be yes and only because I wouldn't have my DS had I not married him but knowing everything i know now if I could do it all again I would never have taken him back when he left the first time. I would still have my kids but not the years of pain that followed.
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Old 01-11-2015, 12:55 PM
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If I knew then what I know now, NO I would not have gone back after his first relapse. I would be strong enough to have stayed gone and not have given up another 9 years of my life to someone who didn't value their own.
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Old 01-11-2015, 01:18 PM
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Nope you couldn't of paid me enough money to be with him from the start again.
The pain and agony not only I experienced but also my friends and family listening to me and affecting there lives.
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Old 01-11-2015, 01:22 PM
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Yes. With my abusive gaming addict bf, although in the end it was pretty bad, I learned to stand up for.myself and I learned what I wanted in a relationship. I learned it young and I learned it fast. I don't think I would have got to that point so early without that experience.

With my current RAbf, definitely. Although I dislike the drinking, I have learned so much about myself and have grown so much, in large part because it brought me here to SR. But also because it's otherwise a very happy relationship, made that way through both of our recovery journeys.

I am who I am today in large part because of those two relationships and I like where I am today. So I wouldn't change anything. Not one thing.
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Old 01-11-2015, 01:32 PM
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Yes.
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Old 01-11-2015, 02:06 PM
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I would run like the wind!
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Old 01-11-2015, 02:22 PM
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Thought provoking question.
My mate an I had a very good relationship for many years. Eventually alcoholism got the better of us both.
That being said, other factors come into play on so many different levels. The following is my truth:
1. I got involved with my mate in a way that was, I believe, contrary to the will of God.
2. My own repentance and conversion led to our breakup. My quitting drinking was part of this.
3. I still love my mate profoundly, and trust in God that eventually we will be involved in a different type of relationship that pleases God. Whether this will be in this life or the next, I cannot say.

I believe forsaking an addiction does not necessarily mean forsaking a person. However, our free will comes into play. Only if all parties involved pursue healing and sobriety, can there be any lasting relationship.
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Old 01-11-2015, 02:24 PM
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Even if it meant I wouldn't have my kids, yes, i would have changed everything. Starting with the events that led me to meeting my ex.
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Old 01-11-2015, 02:44 PM
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Yes, I would do it again. Without AH I wouldn't have my kids. Things didn't get bad til last yr. I would however redo some things differently if could go back just 9mths. I would be better prepared (mentally and financially) on how to deal with the fall out of things.
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Old 01-11-2015, 03:26 PM
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It's interesting to me to look at all the blessings I've received that I wouldn't have if I had not met AH. None of those blessings really have anything to do with AH, but rather what/who else the relationship brought into my life.

That seems to be a common theme. Thanks for the input. After having talked to a lot of you for the past several months, I was surprised by some of the responses. learn something new everyday!
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