If I could go back and do it again
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
I hopefully have learned what I needed to learn with this relationship, but I would get into it again.
I needed this relationship to get myself into the help I needed. I was heading for a situation like this.....regardless.
I don't like how hard it has been and how bad I have felt, but I needed this relationship for me....to get the love, support and help I needed.
The learning process was painful, but the lessons were needed.
I needed this relationship to get myself into the help I needed. I was heading for a situation like this.....regardless.
I don't like how hard it has been and how bad I have felt, but I needed this relationship for me....to get the love, support and help I needed.
The learning process was painful, but the lessons were needed.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Got some awesome kids out of it. If I take them out of the mix, no way in hell. Ever. Ever. Ever.
I would have preferred to remain in the state of ignorance and bliss I was before I met AXH. The relationship with him ruined my life irreparably. I have found happiness and grown again after that marriage, but I still feel like I acquired a disability I will never fully be rid of. Depression, anxiety, fear were things I was not accustomed with before marrying him. I also didn't feel the need to carry a handgun on my person everywhere I go, even though he's thousands of miles away because I never know if he will show up again.
I can't romanticize the hell I went through. I love the help I've gotten here and in Al-Anon, but I would have been much happier never having married an alcoholic.
I would have preferred to remain in the state of ignorance and bliss I was before I met AXH. The relationship with him ruined my life irreparably. I have found happiness and grown again after that marriage, but I still feel like I acquired a disability I will never fully be rid of. Depression, anxiety, fear were things I was not accustomed with before marrying him. I also didn't feel the need to carry a handgun on my person everywhere I go, even though he's thousands of miles away because I never know if he will show up again.
I can't romanticize the hell I went through. I love the help I've gotten here and in Al-Anon, but I would have been much happier never having married an alcoholic.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 16
If you were to take the me of ten years ago and parachute me into the situation I find myself in now, there is no way on a million years that I would have hung around. Not for a moment. So why did I hang around now? I guess it's because things evolve rather than being thrust upon us. There was no monumental change, just a gradual and terminal worsening of things until I was broken.
So, like many others, no. Not a hope in hell. I too would be running like the wind. This is ten years of my life that I'll never get back. And with what to show for it? Stress, anxiety, panic, fear, grief, abuse and solitude. Some learning true enough, but there are nicer things in life to learn about and better reasons than it being the only way to survive and stay sane.
I'm with the runners I'm afraid!
Xxxx
So, like many others, no. Not a hope in hell. I too would be running like the wind. This is ten years of my life that I'll never get back. And with what to show for it? Stress, anxiety, panic, fear, grief, abuse and solitude. Some learning true enough, but there are nicer things in life to learn about and better reasons than it being the only way to survive and stay sane.
I'm with the runners I'm afraid!
Xxxx
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 83
Originally Posted by Eauchiche 
Thought provoking question.
My mate an I had a very good relationship for many years. Eventually alcoholism got the better of us both.
That being said, other factors come into play on so many different levels. The following is my truth:
1. I got involved with my mate in a way that was, I believe, contrary to the will of God.
2. My own repentance and conversion led to our breakup. My quitting drinking was part of this.
3. I still love my mate profoundly, and trust in God that eventually we will be involved in a different type of relationship that pleases God. Whether this will be in this life or the next, I cannot say.
I believe forsaking an addiction does not necessarily mean forsaking a person. However, our free will comes into play. Only if all parties involved pursue healing and sobriety, can there be any lasting relationship.
My mate an I had a very good relationship for many years. Eventually alcoholism got the better of us both.
That being said, other factors come into play on so many different levels. The following is my truth:
1. I got involved with my mate in a way that was, I believe, contrary to the will of God.
2. My own repentance and conversion led to our breakup. My quitting drinking was part of this.
3. I still love my mate profoundly, and trust in God that eventually we will be involved in a different type of relationship that pleases God. Whether this will be in this life or the next, I cannot say.
I believe forsaking an addiction does not necessarily mean forsaking a person. However, our free will comes into play. Only if all parties involved pursue healing and sobriety, can there be any lasting relationship.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Southeastern Michigan
Posts: 137
I truly feel like my relationship with AH was meant to happen in God's plan for us both, and throughout the years the good has outweighed the bad, so, yes, I suppose I'd do it over agin. BUT--it's really hard to wonder "what if...?"
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 72
Absolutely not at all, ever. Even knowing what I know now, I would not. I say this because even though I would go in knowing how to treat him, it would still be that merry go round crap. And he is never going to get help because according to him he doesn't have a problem. I stay in the relationship because of his granddaughter that knows me as her Granny. Not a good reason, but it is why.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Alaska
Posts: 223
I was on my way out the door for a swim earlier when I said yes. I kept thinking about this, and wanted to come back and elaborate.
I found this quote earlier: "If you can love the wrong person that much, imagine how much you can love the right one."
My AXBF, who may or may not be in recovery--I don't think he is anymore--was my first love. He may have been the wrong one. Maybe someday he'll be the right one. But he was right for me at the time. He taught me a lot about men, about relationships, and myself. I am forever thankful he is in my life. We don't have kids, and we don't have the decades together some others here have gone through, but we had us. He will always be a part of my history, and I am thankful for all the lessons I've learned throughout the relationship, whether it be what to do or what not to do, what I want or what I want to stay away from. I think I'm stronger now than I was before we got together, and I think he played a part in that.
I found this quote earlier: "If you can love the wrong person that much, imagine how much you can love the right one."
My AXBF, who may or may not be in recovery--I don't think he is anymore--was my first love. He may have been the wrong one. Maybe someday he'll be the right one. But he was right for me at the time. He taught me a lot about men, about relationships, and myself. I am forever thankful he is in my life. We don't have kids, and we don't have the decades together some others here have gone through, but we had us. He will always be a part of my history, and I am thankful for all the lessons I've learned throughout the relationship, whether it be what to do or what not to do, what I want or what I want to stay away from. I think I'm stronger now than I was before we got together, and I think he played a part in that.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: West Coast
Posts: 774
With this one? Yes, I'd do it again. Because my actual relationship with him was good. We never fought, and he isn't abusive. But the alcohol does affect him nonetheless. And I know it would have eventually affected me. I got out while we both were still very much in love and could look at each other kindly.
Now my kids' dad? Hell flippin no! He is off the method, but that man ruined my life and I am still recovering from that crap!
Now my kids' dad? Hell flippin no! He is off the method, but that man ruined my life and I am still recovering from that crap!
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Quincy, IL
Posts: 91
Yes, because of our little girl. We are still together, and I may leave eventually, if he doesn't get sober. Sometimes I wish I hadn't gotten married to him, so there would be no divorce involved, but if I leave, we might just seperate. Our relationship isn't an abusive one, yet, and we have had a lot of good times. And, now I know what to look for in a person for the future. Even if we had never been together, I would probably be with another A, just because of my personality.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
I've been thinking this over since I first saw the thread also. I agree w/the poster that part of why we got to where we got to was b/c the progress was so gradual. We kept thinking, "well, this isn't so bad, really, is it? I guess it must just be me." And by the end, we are doing and saying and living with things that we would have never ever imagined in the beginning...
But would I do it again, knowing what I know now? Tough, tough question. Someone posted that she'd do it again but not get married. I almost feel like that's my situation. A lot of the lying (that I know about) was related to his raiding our joint finances to pay for his drinking and secret smoking. If our finances had always been separate, maybe that lying wouldn't have happened. But there would likely have been lying about the fact of the drinking and smoking actually happening, plus whatever else I don't know about and likely never will.
We've had some wonderful times. But I do find myself questioning if they were real or just something I made up out of my own fears and needs. Would I give that up to have had a shot at something that was real, no doubt about it, the honest to God truth, all the way and all along?
For me, the answer is yes, I'd do it differently if I had the knowledge and strength then that I have now. But again, as others have mentioned, going thru that hell is exactly what gave us the strength and knowledge we now have. Still, given my choice, I'd like to have learned it some easier way!
It all boils down to the Serenity Prayer in the end, right? "...the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
But would I do it again, knowing what I know now? Tough, tough question. Someone posted that she'd do it again but not get married. I almost feel like that's my situation. A lot of the lying (that I know about) was related to his raiding our joint finances to pay for his drinking and secret smoking. If our finances had always been separate, maybe that lying wouldn't have happened. But there would likely have been lying about the fact of the drinking and smoking actually happening, plus whatever else I don't know about and likely never will.
We've had some wonderful times. But I do find myself questioning if they were real or just something I made up out of my own fears and needs. Would I give that up to have had a shot at something that was real, no doubt about it, the honest to God truth, all the way and all along?
For me, the answer is yes, I'd do it differently if I had the knowledge and strength then that I have now. But again, as others have mentioned, going thru that hell is exactly what gave us the strength and knowledge we now have. Still, given my choice, I'd like to have learned it some easier way!
It all boils down to the Serenity Prayer in the end, right? "...the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 46
Hindsight is wonderful and all of the replies have been helpful to read. I am at the beginning stage of all this. I have 24 years of wonderful memories with my HA and only 3 months of eye opening revelations regarding alcoholism. The years are in our favor so far. Since scanning the posts on SR (for the last two weeks), I am more mindful of the red flags and the path forward - what needs to be done, what should be done. I hope our relationship doesn't end where some have here on this site. Only time will tell. Hopefully, one day, I can come back and say definitely no. It all worked out well.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,417
Many of you know that I'm a "triple winner"
I grew up in an alcoholic abusive home,
became an alcoholic over time as an adult,
and now my spouse has also developed alcohol issues,
in part, I believe, from living with mine.
So now I've got about 31/2 years of sober time,
and I would like to address this very thought-provoking question
from a different perspective--that of the alcoholic.
If I knew about myself what I know now--
How utterly damaged and broken I am from my childhood co-dependency
and abuse, how I careened from relationship to relationship to try to find
"happiness" and heal my hurts, and how I ultimately used partners to find
security, self-esteem, and control in my crazy life I would do everything differently.
Mostly, I would not have chosen to marry and inflict this on someone else ever.
I am not sure I can ever be "fixed" enough to have a normal, healthy, interactive relationship.
I would have started working on healing my inner self years ago, and left other people out of it.
Sad, but true.
I grew up in an alcoholic abusive home,
became an alcoholic over time as an adult,
and now my spouse has also developed alcohol issues,
in part, I believe, from living with mine.
So now I've got about 31/2 years of sober time,
and I would like to address this very thought-provoking question
from a different perspective--that of the alcoholic.
If I knew about myself what I know now--
How utterly damaged and broken I am from my childhood co-dependency
and abuse, how I careened from relationship to relationship to try to find
"happiness" and heal my hurts, and how I ultimately used partners to find
security, self-esteem, and control in my crazy life I would do everything differently.
Mostly, I would not have chosen to marry and inflict this on someone else ever.
I am not sure I can ever be "fixed" enough to have a normal, healthy, interactive relationship.
I would have started working on healing my inner self years ago, and left other people out of it.
Sad, but true.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I am not in the relationship, but because of having my children I would not have changed it. I would have left when my youngest DD was a baby though, and got off the crazy train MUCH SOONER.
As far as if the children were his, and not mine, I am going to honest. I would run in the other direction. Reason being, if that relationship falls apart, you have no legal ability to help those children or any legal recourse at all. It is heartbreaking. So I hate to say, but am being honest, I would run as fast as I could in the other direction in a situation like that.
It's so hard for everyone. And so sad.
As far as if the children were his, and not mine, I am going to honest. I would run in the other direction. Reason being, if that relationship falls apart, you have no legal ability to help those children or any legal recourse at all. It is heartbreaking. So I hate to say, but am being honest, I would run as fast as I could in the other direction in a situation like that.
It's so hard for everyone. And so sad.
torquemax777
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Montrose CO
Posts: 350
But if we knew then what we know now wouldn't we sorta be repelled by addicts the way we who are co-depent (but unaware) are mysteriously attracted to them?
Somewhat like the tools we gained "after" being with them and entering into recovery, will hopefully steer us away and clue us into "red flags" so that we don't get involved in a future relationship with an addict....
Wouldn't it stand to reason that if we had all our Alanon and SR tools BEFORE we met them, we would have automatically ran in the other direction! But if the answer is "yes, I would do it again" we are basically saying we don't care what we learned, we just want this relationship regardless of the red flags and tools we gained???
Somewhat like the tools we gained "after" being with them and entering into recovery, will hopefully steer us away and clue us into "red flags" so that we don't get involved in a future relationship with an addict....
Wouldn't it stand to reason that if we had all our Alanon and SR tools BEFORE we met them, we would have automatically ran in the other direction! But if the answer is "yes, I would do it again" we are basically saying we don't care what we learned, we just want this relationship regardless of the red flags and tools we gained???
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Originally Posted by torquemax777
But if we knew then what we know now wouldn't we sorta be repelled by addicts the way we who are co-depent (but unaware) are mysteriously attracted to them?
Somewhat like the tools we gained "after" being with them and entering into recovery, will hopefully steer us away and clue us into "red flags" so that we don't get involved in a future relationship with an addict....
Wouldn't it stand to reason that if we had all our Alanon and SR tools BEFORE we met them, we would have automatically ran in the other direction! But if the answer is "yes, I would do it again" we are basically saying we don't care what we learned, we just want this relationship regardless of the red flags and tools we gained???
Somewhat like the tools we gained "after" being with them and entering into recovery, will hopefully steer us away and clue us into "red flags" so that we don't get involved in a future relationship with an addict....
Wouldn't it stand to reason that if we had all our Alanon and SR tools BEFORE we met them, we would have automatically ran in the other direction! But if the answer is "yes, I would do it again" we are basically saying we don't care what we learned, we just want this relationship regardless of the red flags and tools we gained???
After this learning, and challenges would I get back into this relationship for me is a different question. I think that time is past.....and I hope the lessons I need going forward can build off of what I already have learned not a repeat of those pieces.
I do know until I am SURE I can get myself out of a bad situation I am not going to get into another relationship.....so there are still residual pieces left.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 865
I would do it again, as many mentioned, because without my AH I would not have my beautiful girls. But also because without him I would have NEVER sought the help I needed from Al-Anon. I have mentioned before that my mother is not an alcoholic but grew up in a very abusive/alcoholic home. So I am thankful to have the opportunity to better myself for my girls sake, and mine.
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