So Sorry You Guys, But I Relapsed Back to Husband and Feeling VERY Anxious
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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Just breath,
I was in a relationship that was abusive for many years, 12 in fact. I had death threats quite often. You know what I thought about the comments from people about "safety plans" and leaving because it wasn't safe? I thought they were full of it. They didn't KNOW him, he really would NEVER follow through on his threats. He was just drunk or high or just plain pissed. They didn't GET it. Underneath it all, he was amazing! Just misunderstood is all. One day he pulled a knife in me in the kitchen, knocked me to the floor and held it up to my stomach. He said if you keep crying in going to cut you open. Then he laughed and said a hammer would be better. He ACTUALLY turned away to get a HAMMER! I slipped past him with his back turned and ran out the door. Guess what, like three days before that, he spoke with my mom, blah blah..the whole nine yards. No, I don't know your A...but I know that anyone who can allow that filth to spew out of their mouth, if they can't even control their MOUTH, how can they control violent urges. You know I'm right. You know in your heart that your just back for another ROUND, not to win the battle. Hugs. Love on your parents, they deserve it.
I was in a relationship that was abusive for many years, 12 in fact. I had death threats quite often. You know what I thought about the comments from people about "safety plans" and leaving because it wasn't safe? I thought they were full of it. They didn't KNOW him, he really would NEVER follow through on his threats. He was just drunk or high or just plain pissed. They didn't GET it. Underneath it all, he was amazing! Just misunderstood is all. One day he pulled a knife in me in the kitchen, knocked me to the floor and held it up to my stomach. He said if you keep crying in going to cut you open. Then he laughed and said a hammer would be better. He ACTUALLY turned away to get a HAMMER! I slipped past him with his back turned and ran out the door. Guess what, like three days before that, he spoke with my mom, blah blah..the whole nine yards. No, I don't know your A...but I know that anyone who can allow that filth to spew out of their mouth, if they can't even control their MOUTH, how can they control violent urges. You know I'm right. You know in your heart that your just back for another ROUND, not to win the battle. Hugs. Love on your parents, they deserve it.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 494
It's almost as if he had just given up b/c he did not have me by his side.
I kid....
I hope you can get away from him before he inflicts permanent bodily harm on you or kills you. Stress alone shortens our lives -- worth it to sacrifice yourself for this abusive addict? Your family doesn't seem to think so. I do agree with you that you need to figure out why YOU do think you should sacrifice your life to this man (which by the way will not help him get better by even a single degree).
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: liverpool, england
Posts: 1,708
Originally Posted by LexieCat 
Training in the dynamics of domestic violence, training in the law around domestic violence, training about the physical and emotional effects of battering (effects and signs of strangulation, why victims stay, why they return, why they don't want to participate in the criminal justice process, etc.), training in the available support and services that are out there to help victims survive and escape the abuse, training in safety planning and lethality assessment, among others.
I have worked in this field since 1999, and currently train police, DV advocates, attorneys and prosecutors, judges, medical professionals, and others. It is a multi-faceted problem and a very, very dangerous one. If you look up statistics on how many victims are ultimately killed by their abusers it is shocking. I recently read that the number-one cause of death for pregnant women is homicide.
I have worked in this field since 1999, and currently train police, DV advocates, attorneys and prosecutors, judges, medical professionals, and others. It is a multi-faceted problem and a very, very dangerous one. If you look up statistics on how many victims are ultimately killed by their abusers it is shocking. I recently read that the number-one cause of death for pregnant women is homicide.
i refer to the professionals of domestic violence as the actual people who have suffered with it all
the have personal experiece they have been through to try to help someone else
in al anon there will be plenty of members there who will be just like the op
she loves her man anyone can see that, you can ram facts and figures down anyones throat all you want but you will not turn her away from the love she feels for him
al anon would work with her and let her see things that she just can not see yet
anyone trying to tell anyone that there partner is a bad egg will only be met with resistance as the partner will want to defend
reading some of the posts on here i dont know if there trying to help or trying to dominate her into doing what they want ? that could be classed as abusive or bullying depends on how the op would see it and i hope she can see that people are really only trying to offer out help
try and just be a friend to the girl without trying to tell her how rotten her man is might be a way forward that might just might start a ball rolling
but thats just my 2 cents worth hell what do i know ? only been there done that and got the t shirt but i have no qualifications sadly except real life
good luck to you op and i hope you will give al anon a go as you will find really nice friendly people there who will have been in your postion and will help
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You are sadly mistaken, pete.
This is a dynamic you do not understand. Love and understanding do not overcome abuse. Many of the professionals I train have been in abusive relationships of their own, and we all understand how difficult it is for victims. Most survivors leave and go back many, many times. Hopefully they eventually are able to safely escape.
It isn't helpful to pretend that abusers will change if they are loved and supported enough.
This is a dynamic you do not understand. Love and understanding do not overcome abuse. Many of the professionals I train have been in abusive relationships of their own, and we all understand how difficult it is for victims. Most survivors leave and go back many, many times. Hopefully they eventually are able to safely escape.
It isn't helpful to pretend that abusers will change if they are loved and supported enough.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 1,122
desypete,
I agree that al-anon is a fabulous program for folks to utilize who are involved in a relationship with a substance abuser. However, if OP's husband is an abuser, al-anon cannot help repair that relationship. As far as I know, al-anon isn't really there to repair relationships with the addicts we love either, rather a way to cope and how to lovingly detach. I may be wrong about this.
The issue here isn't alcohol, the issue is that OP may be involved in an abusive marriage which if she does not protect herself could very well end her life. Perhaps a co-dependency anonymous meeting would be more appropriate for this situation.
I do think you are right about OP feeling like she is being bullied to leave her husband (who oddly sounds like a bully himself), so I think OP has left the thread.
I hope she gets the help she needs or at least comes back to revisit this thread.
I agree that al-anon is a fabulous program for folks to utilize who are involved in a relationship with a substance abuser. However, if OP's husband is an abuser, al-anon cannot help repair that relationship. As far as I know, al-anon isn't really there to repair relationships with the addicts we love either, rather a way to cope and how to lovingly detach. I may be wrong about this.
The issue here isn't alcohol, the issue is that OP may be involved in an abusive marriage which if she does not protect herself could very well end her life. Perhaps a co-dependency anonymous meeting would be more appropriate for this situation.
I do think you are right about OP feeling like she is being bullied to leave her husband (who oddly sounds like a bully himself), so I think OP has left the thread.
I hope she gets the help she needs or at least comes back to revisit this thread.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 1,122
Originally Posted by LexieCat
It isn't helpful to pretend that abusers will change if they are loved and supported enough.
I remember it being described as a bungee cord attached to the victim.. the farther the victim runs from the abuser, the harder the abuser pulls the victim back in.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,781
Originally Posted by desypete
but thats just my 2 cents worth hell what do i know ? only been there done that and got the t shirt
Or are you talking about alcoholism in general here?
IMO - addiction & domestic violence are 2 very separate issues even if they sometimes exist alongside each other. (the same way mental illness is separate from addiction although sometimes present in it as well) What works for one scenario is NOT necessarily the right solution for the other.
Al-Anon members are not experts in DV by definition and the program never addresses violence at all so far as I have seen and in everything I've ever read about it, including the steps, the traditions, etc. Not one word about DV at all.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Rochester, ny
Posts: 405
Originally Posted by newhope01
Which is why I think most victims return to their abusers. Its this false belief that you can save them with love and support mixed with the guilt the abuser places on the victim.
I remember it being described as a bungee cord attached to the victim.. the farther the victim runs from the abuser, the harder the abuser pulls the victim back in.
I remember it being described as a bungee cord attached to the victim.. the farther the victim runs from the abuser, the harder the abuser pulls the victim back in.
I mean, sure, if the A pulled, I'd go flying back, but even after he was gone, I was desperate to find ways to pull that bungee cord. I was desperate to re-attach. So I know the feeling...arg, it's awful, as we all know!
Definitely you have to get away, and ASAP if there's abuse. I'm just trying to say I know that the pull to hang on can be waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayy unmanageable. Bringing on the separation fear--staying away--can be really really scary. I had to find ways to find comfort to get through the pain....lucky at first, some friends were there at the right time. I hope the OP can find plenty of support and learn about finding good support. That's how it's worked fir me, anyway.
I hope I'm making sense! :P I sprained a shoulder and it really hurts. Hard to concentrate.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,256
Originally Posted by ShootingStar1
To get some perspective on how dangerous your AH is or is not, try googling "Mosaic threat assessment". You'll get an on-line totally confidential series of questions to determine how likely or not likely a person is to commit further violence.
This tool is used by police departments, including the Capitol police in Washington D.C. for Congress, to get an idea of whether a person is likely to continue to be violent.
It will add some degree of objectivity about how you feel about your husband's behavior and threats.
ShootingStar1
This tool is used by police departments, including the Capitol police in Washington D.C. for Congress, to get an idea of whether a person is likely to continue to be violent.
It will add some degree of objectivity about how you feel about your husband's behavior and threats.
ShootingStar1
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,256
I am at work right now, so have to make this short. I understand everyone is coming from their own lens of personal experience.
The goods news is that hubby has been nice and sober the past two days. No more alcohol in the house. I told him that I was sorry for leaving him on the side of the road, and he then responded quickly that he was sorry for drinking and saying something threatening which he would never act on, and that he was just upset.
He says that he will go to AA this Friday, but he does not want a sponsor or other counseling.
Will give you further update later.
The goods news is that hubby has been nice and sober the past two days. No more alcohol in the house. I told him that I was sorry for leaving him on the side of the road, and he then responded quickly that he was sorry for drinking and saying something threatening which he would never act on, and that he was just upset.
He says that he will go to AA this Friday, but he does not want a sponsor or other counseling.
Will give you further update later.
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
Originally Posted by Justbreathe1980
I am at work right now, so have to make this short. I understand everyone is coming from their own lens of personal experience.
The goods news is that hubby has been nice and sober the past two days. No more alcohol in the house. I told him that I was sorry for leaving him on the side of the road, and he then responded quickly that he was sorry for drinking and saying something threatening which he would never act on, and that he was just upset.
He says that he will go to AA this Friday, but he does not want a sponsor or other counseling.
Will give you further update later.
The goods news is that hubby has been nice and sober the past two days. No more alcohol in the house. I told him that I was sorry for leaving him on the side of the road, and he then responded quickly that he was sorry for drinking and saying something threatening which he would never act on, and that he was just upset.
He says that he will go to AA this Friday, but he does not want a sponsor or other counseling.
Will give you further update later.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
JustBreath....just put yourself into your AA program. Set up an appointment for a counselor or support group through the DV program. This is for you in the short term AS WELL a THE "BIGGER PICTURE". Your husband doesn't need to know about it. Just tell him that it is you working your own program of sobriety and recovery. Remind him that a person has to work their own program...LOL!
I think that taking the "Mosaic Assessment" is a good idea, by the way.
Do let us know how things are going. People on this forum do care, because so many of us have been in your shoes.
dandylion
I think that taking the "Mosaic Assessment" is a good idea, by the way.
Do let us know how things are going. People on this forum do care, because so many of us have been in your shoes.
dandylion
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,256
Originally Posted by NWGRITS
And round and round you go. You know better. This isn't going to get better like that. An abuser is an abuser is an abuser. He wants to go to AA to appease you, but he doesn't really want to work the program. We'll be waiting for the update on that one.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,256
Originally Posted by dandylion
JustBreath....just put yourself into your AA program. Set up an appointment for a counselor or support group through the DV program. This is for you in the short term AS WELL a THE "BIGGER PICTURE". Your husband doesn't need to know about it. Just tell him that it is you working your own program of sobriety and recovery. Remind him that a person has to work their own program...LOL!
I think that taking the "Mosaic Assessment" is a good idea, by the way.
Do let us know how things are going. People on this forum do care, because so many of us have been in your shoes.
dandylion
I think that taking the "Mosaic Assessment" is a good idea, by the way.
Do let us know how things are going. People on this forum do care, because so many of us have been in your shoes.
dandylion
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: AZ
Posts: 309
Originally Posted by Justbreathe1980
Yes, I do plan on getting a counselor through the DV agency in my county. And I definitely will not let my husband know about it, or else that could trigger him. I will just tell him that it is an AA meeting, which he will never not know since he works during most of these hours. He is fine with me going to AA meetings, but anything else such as Al-Anon, etc, he feels threatened, as he believes I am making a plan to leave him. So I just tell him that everything is an AA meeting.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,256
Originally Posted by mejo
Until he finds out where you are really going. Then what?
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
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HE feels "triggered" threatened, etc. so WHAT????
you are not *allowed* to seek counseling for survival?
I guess you do not see what is really going on, he is attempting to control you and alienate you from anything/anyone that does not see things his way.
if you are interpreting this correctly, this is so sick on so many levels.
you are not *allowed* to seek counseling for survival?
I guess you do not see what is really going on, he is attempting to control you and alienate you from anything/anyone that does not see things his way.
if you are interpreting this correctly, this is so sick on so many levels.
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