Soberintexas007

Hi Everyone,

So my husband called me on Sunday, and we talked. I told him that I can no longer be with him if he drinks. He told me that he has done it once before and will give it another try. Didn't sound too confident, but at least he was being honest. So, I moved back into our apartment last night.

He told me that I can throw away all of the remaining beer and wine, which I did. My parents told me that they need to heal from what he did on Saturday to their daughter, and so he could not come over on Thanksgiving, which meant that I would be spending it with him alone. When I told him this, he said his feelings were hurt and that he wanted to spend it with my family. My dad agreed that he could come, but only after he apologized to my dad and my dad talked to him. On the phone that night, my dad told him that there are no more chances, there is zero tolerance for alcohol, and that he is ruining the family. My husband was able to listen.

My husband says he now has to stay sober. He is not willing to do any individual or marital counseling, but said that he will go to AA on Friday, which is his first day off. I am going to also encourage him to get a sponsor.

My mom, dad, and sister are fed up with him, and my sister said no more drinking will be tolerated by him, and that if I allow it again, I could possibly lose my family.

So, I have been laying and sitting in my bed all day today feeling nervous and apprehensive. These are my concerns:

1. I feel that my husband is getting sober for other people and not himself, which can make things more difficult for him.
2. If he does drink, do I truly believe I will honor my ultimatum and leave him? I'm not too sure.

The irony in all of this is that staying sober myself is proving to be so so much easier than worrying about my husband and our relationship. I never thought I would be caught up in such a situation earlier in my life. But this is very difficult.

lillamy

I would be very anxious, too, if I let a man back into my life who had threatened to kill me. There's no need to apologize -- you have to determine what you are willing to live with in your life.

AnvilheadII

you've put your parents thru the wringer here....so here's my suggestion. since you willingly left AGAIN to go back to him AGAIN, how about THIS time if you need to bail, you find somewhere else and quit dragging your family thru your stuff? seriously.....kinda rude isn't it? like they have nothing else going on in their lives? you gotta have another option that doesn't include running back home. you are putting them in a tough position to have to uphold boundaries regarding you and your husband....and you're going to find out the hard way what it's like when they cut you off........because of how you've abused their love.................

CodeJob

Alright. So what's your safety plan?

dandylion

Justbreathe1980.....it doesn't sound like you are ready to leave or separate from the relationship.

Alanon will help you. I really do suggest that you reach out to alanon for support. ASAP---LOL!
Thankfully, you did talk to the DV folks and you know where the resources are for you...should you need them. I know that you were planning a safety plan for any further violent outbursts or death threats.

I hope that you are sticking close to your AA group...as this stress puts you at risk of relapse (as you well know).

I think that you already know that his relapse is very likely...as you indicated in your post. Please plan very carefully for this possible (probable) event. As a member of AA, surely, you know when a person is diligently working a strong program of sobriety. It is always best to be over-prepared than sorry, later.

Continue to read and study...and, educate yourself as to the nature of this disease and co-dependency. Knowledge is power.

dandylion

hopeful4

I have been there. I do truly understand. I watched my X hug my parents and tell them he was never going to drink again. HA.

Time will reveal more.

Fandy

You are anxious now? Imagine your anxiety when he threatens to "snap your neck" again as he did 2 days ago.

He is doing as little as possible and you don't really believe him, your family can see the writing on the wall, but you keep dragging them into this HUGE drama. He is not just a drunk, he is a dangerous ANGRY drunk that drinks before work in the morning when he is stressed. He is repeatedly rude to you, I'm sorry, but what is so attractive about this person who is verbally abusive, rude and insulting to your family.

why don't you stay at your parents and just meet him for a few hours at a time to talk, at least you can sleep safely.

I have no doubt he is going to get worse and I think you do too, but you aren't ready to give up. Please stay safe, go back to your parents house.

LexieCat

Jb, it sounds like you already know how unlikely it is that he will suddenly make a commitment to sobriety. We are all worried about your well-being. He's very volatile, and this has to make it very difficult for you in terms of your own sobriety.

I'm not sure it's a good idea for you to encourage him to get a sponsor. You have your own program to work, and he has his. Your getting involved in advising him what he should be doing takes your focus away from where it needs to be right now. He can hardly miss the suggestion that he get a sponsor if he sits for an hour in any AA meeting.

Please be careful. You've run away and "told" on him once, and he may do or threaten something worse next time. And please keep in mind that abusive men are almost always that way whether they are drinking or not. It won't make you feel any better if he abuses you while completely sober. Have an escape/safety plan ready. I hope you won't need it, but I have a sinking feeling that you will.

Hugs, and whatever happens, don't pick up a drink.

dandylion

Justbreathe...I have been thinking about your post some more.....and I do want to say this to you. Consider Anvilhead's post with an open mind.

The most important bonds that you have in this life are those of your family and close friends. It sounds like your family loves you....and that is a blessing to have. You really can't blame them for worrying about you and wanting the best for you.
After a while, folks get what is sometimes referred to as "compassion exhaustion". The frustration and helplessness of seeing a loved one in a bad or dangerous situation really gets to them.

It sounds like they are to the point of getting pretty strung out about this. I hope that you will give serious consideration to not straining your relationship with them aany further.
For your safety plan....consider having a good friend that will be prepared to take you in or go to an emergency DV safe place. (or save funds to stay in a cheap hotel, maybe).

Once the relationship with family becomes bitter...it usually takes a lot of time and effort to repair those precious bonds.

Just, please, think about this from their point of view and your love for them as a daughter.

sincerely,
dandylion

Stung

Okay, I see a lot of black and white and a lot of ultimatums here.

I don't understand why you're back at the apartment and why he can't just live there by himself for some time - see how long he can white knuckle it. You just recently moved out of your parent's house to get into this apartment anyway. Maybe instead of focusing on his sobriety and the drama that he's creating, why not return to your parents home, focus on YOUR sobriety and do something loving towards yourself. Inserting yourself back into a turbulent situation with an active alcoholic husband at the holidays sounds like a really crappy thing to do to yourself. Your husband is a big boy. He'll do whatever he wants to do regardless of where you're sleeping at night.

Kboys

I'm in the same boat as you... and although things have not (yet) gone back to crazy like they were two months ago, I still regret my choice to let AH move back in. I wonder the same thing, if he is actually doing it for himself, or just because he feels he's being "forced to." And always wondering when he's going to start again...

I too, have put my parents through a lot, but my parents have not set boundaries like yours have, or expected apologies from my AH... or from me. They have just put up with it, and have said very little. I wish they would have though, becuase I suppose they are just enabling me in my codependency as much as I have enabled AH in his alcoholism and abusive behaviors. I never really thought of it like that before...

Anyway, I don't really have any words of wisdom, but don't beat yourself up over it. We learn as we go... Just make sure you keep yourself safe.
HUGS

desypete

there are plenty of alcohilcs who came to aa to save there wife and familys from leaving them in fact i think there are more al anon members who are still with there alcohloic partners than are single but i could be wrong on that as i am only using my area for my knoweldge and most of the members of al anon still are with there partners who are in aa

so the point is that it does work so long as your partner is going to start work on himself, the danger is of course that if he does nothing then a relapse is well on the cards and it can all happen again

so lets hope he gets into aa and starts the long process of change that is needed

i know how hard it is to love someone and be hard on them i had to do it with my ex in the end but first i had to give her chance after chance

i think if i am honest it wasnt out of love for her it was more that i didnt want to have to face life on my own without her when i got hard on her she just found another drunk to be with so it didnt work out the way i had hoped were she would come back to me and really work on herself but that was the risk i had to take

today of course 10 years on from all that well its easy for me to tell people to leave there partners as i am not the one who has to be in that fearful position, but i also know that aa and al anon work for couples and they can work though it all without having to split up

i hope it all comes good for you and that your partner gets and finds the help he will need, please dont feel you have to say sorry to anyone about what you decide to do as people here do not have to live your life and no one should be trying to pressure you into anything so i hope you dont feel pressured by anyone ?
good luck to you

Hangnbyathread

I'm new here to the board, so please take it as such. But not new to what AK does to those around it.

Here is another way to look at it.
" They have just put up with it, and have said very little."

This is called detachment. Simply put, they won't be drug into this. Yes it may be considered enabling. But the AH is going to drink or he isn't. Them enabling or not isn't the point. Getting wrapped up in the viciousness of what the AH will do others to keep drinking, is a choice they made to stay out of.

If the AH drinks, their (the parents) lives will proceed without all the energy drain of trying to have expectations.

The most empowering thing I did when I learned I had an AGF was to let her be the one and only target of her efforts. She could be miserable if she chose to, but I would no longer allow her to make me miserable.

Eventually they will either see the results or they won't. But you won't be used up and discarded afterwords.

Soberintexas007

My safety plan is to leave the house and go to my parent's house, which they said would be okay, but that this would be the last time I can do that. The other option would be to call the police.

Soberintexas007

Thank you all for your posts. I finally was able to get out of bed and take a shower. Fortunately, I did not have to work today, but I will get some errands done in a bit. For those of you who posted that I need to stop taking advantage of my parent's love, I hear what your saying. At the same time, I need to self-preserve, and so I am actually more worried about myself than how my family is being drained. If they are fed up and feeling drained, then it is their choice to detach from me and not allow me to move back another time, but I am not going to make that decision for them.

When I had broken up with my husband on Saturday, I found out that he almost self-destructed that night (I tracked him at 6 am on on his iphone and saw where he was, which was not good). It's almost as if he had just given up b/c he did not have me by his side. Fortunately, he was able to make it home that night without getting a DUI or other police intervention. So why do I stay with him? Part of me is willing to sacrifice my own self to prevent his self-destruction...sounds really bad and codependent, but it is true, almost as if I am martyring myself for someone else. I need to explore why this "martyrdom" works for me. I had stated earlier in the post that I need to self-preserve, so in a way I am somehow self-preserving by saving him. Is it possible that it would "kill" me to see someone I used to be so close to self-destruct and ruin their life? Possibly........

In bed last night, we snuggled and talked. He threw in some blame here and there, but I explained to him where I had been coming from, which he was able to listen to because he was sober.

This is a very difficult, complicated situation. I wish I could heed most of your advice and leave and not come back, but I just cannot. And that is what I need to explore in Al-Anon.

All I can say is that it will be nice to not have alcohol in the house tonight, and I don't have to sit and watch tv while he drinks. I am going to enjoy that moment for now. Day by day, day by day.............................

WMJ1012

JB1980

Just like a drink, our defense against all insane relationships must come from a Higher Power
Hence the Big Book 12 Steps

Letting husband back without 6 months of continuous sobriety & a solid program of recovery is putting the cart before the horse

Sometimes we gotta get outta people's way
It's the most loving thing we can do for em

May God bless you and yours
See you around the halls

LexieCat

A DUI or police intervention might be just what he DID need. And, seriously, your sacrificing yourself is NOT going to save him. You know that, don't you? He drinks because he is an alcoholic. He abuses because he is abusive. Only HE can change those actions, and only IF he is totally committed to that change.

I'd like you to think about the possibility that your being there for him, no matter how he treats you, is enabling him to continue to drink and to abuse you. Think about it--all he has to do is say he's sorry and you are right back there.

I'm not BLAMING you because I know how convincing they can be. I'm just trying to give you another voice in your head to counter what you are telling yourself (as exemplified in that last post).

dandylion

JustBreathe....I know I suggested alanon...and I still do. However..after your explanation in your last post....I feel that counseling with someone from the DV center or a support group from there would be the best FIRST step.
Someone who has experience in dealing with victims of abuse or those who are unable to leave a dangerous situation.
This takes special skill and specialized knowledge that alanon is not exactly set up for.

dandylion

Hope4Life

Excuse me but..... what if this is just a trick to get close enough to you to ATTACK you! I do not understand how you could go back to him after he threatened to 'SNAP YOUR NECK!' just 2 days ago!!!

IMHO, you are not thinking clearly about the levity of this situation.

How are your parents going to feel if their daughter gets MURDERED??

My Fiance was murdered by her jealous ex BF after he found out about our relationship, so I am somewhat qualified to make these remarks.....

desypete

al anon is run by people who have the best skills in the world to deal with an alcoholic, there qualifications are called life skills and experience run by people who have all suffered in one way or another every type of abuse an alcoholic has given out so please dont try to run al anon down as i have nothing but the highest respect for it and what it does.

i enjoy the dual meetings we have of both sides alcoholic and al anon members sharing together its great to hear things from the other side and to see just what al anon members have had to deal with by sticking with there partner etc

so i would urge anyone to give al anon a try if there living with an alcoholic

they really do understand far more than so called professionals as they have there own life experiences to draw from which is a far cry from being taught about a subject in a class room