So Sorry You Guys, But I Relapsed Back to Husband and Feeling VERY Anxious
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Jb,
I'm glad you're getting counseling, and it's probably for the best that you not mention it to him. Don't give up on yourself, and if he DOES become violent don't listen to any "I told you so's" (people around here aren't likely to say it, but some people might). Just keep working on getting stronger and pulling together all the resources at your disposal.
We're all concerned about you, and I know you have your safety plan and all, but please keep being careful. A safety plan isn't foolproof.
I'm glad you're getting counseling, and it's probably for the best that you not mention it to him. Don't give up on yourself, and if he DOES become violent don't listen to any "I told you so's" (people around here aren't likely to say it, but some people might). Just keep working on getting stronger and pulling together all the resources at your disposal.
We're all concerned about you, and I know you have your safety plan and all, but please keep being careful. A safety plan isn't foolproof.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: uk.
Posts: 106
Originally Posted by LexieCat 
A DUI or police intervention might be just what he DID need. And, seriously, your sacrificing yourself is NOT going to save him. You know that, don't you? He drinks because he is an alcoholic. He abuses because he is abusive. Only HE can change those actions, and only IF he is totally committed to that change.
I'd like you to think about the possibility that your being there for him, no matter how he treats you, is enabling him to continue to drink and to abuse you. Think about it--all he has to do is say he's sorry and you are right back there.
I'm not BLAMING you because I know how convincing they can be. I'm just trying to give you another voice in your head to counter what you are telling yourself (as exemplified in that last post).
I'd like you to think about the possibility that your being there for him, no matter how he treats you, is enabling him to continue to drink and to abuse you. Think about it--all he has to do is say he's sorry and you are right back there.
I'm not BLAMING you because I know how convincing they can be. I'm just trying to give you another voice in your head to counter what you are telling yourself (as exemplified in that last post).
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,256
Today is Day 3 for him without any alcohol, just smoking weed with no alcohol in the house. He has been very nice. But I am subtly paying attention to him and realizing some things. Even though he has not been drinking, I notice an anger in him. For example, when the tv does not work right, he develops an anger that has a certain force to it, even though he recovers from it (because he is not drinking). When he drinks, this anger takes on a new level with very belligerent force (which is why I very much am certain why he needs to abstain from drinking).
Knowing this and choosing to be with him, I realize that I need to be careful and aware when I interact with him. He says that I push his buttons, which when he drank caused him to get very belligerent. For example, when he started to yell at me the other day for going the wrong way, I told him that this was not going to work. I asked him if he wanted counseling, and when he said no, I told him that I would document this. Did I really need to say that? Probably not. Did he need to start yelling at me in the first place? No. But I still did not need to push his buttons even though he caused it. So I am realizing that while I am still with him, if I do get angry with him, I need to choose my words better and watch more what I say because he is a ticking time bomb. In the meantime, I am so grateful he is not drinking because then there is no hope, and nothing I change about myself will really help him because he gets irrational when he drinks.
Knowing this and choosing to be with him, I realize that I need to be careful and aware when I interact with him. He says that I push his buttons, which when he drank caused him to get very belligerent. For example, when he started to yell at me the other day for going the wrong way, I told him that this was not going to work. I asked him if he wanted counseling, and when he said no, I told him that I would document this. Did I really need to say that? Probably not. Did he need to start yelling at me in the first place? No. But I still did not need to push his buttons even though he caused it. So I am realizing that while I am still with him, if I do get angry with him, I need to choose my words better and watch more what I say because he is a ticking time bomb. In the meantime, I am so grateful he is not drinking because then there is no hope, and nothing I change about myself will really help him because he gets irrational when he drinks.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Jb, it's very true that you don't need to start arguments, or to engage in them.
But you shouldn't have to walk on eggshells, either. You can't "manage" his drinking or his abuse. Not over the long term. I'm afraid you're on the money when you say he is a "ticking time bomb." "Pushing his buttons" isn't an excuse for what he does to you. Do you realize that anything that displeases him is what he would consider "pushing his buttons?"
Two people in a relationship will get on each other's nerves sometimes. It's inevitable. This isn't about your irritating him. It's about his need to never ALLOW you to do anything that irritates him.
And I'm sorry to say that whether he is drinking or not, nothing you change about yourself will help him. It isn't your JOB to help him. And you aren't the problem to begin with. Not the problem that causes his drinking, and not the problem that causes his abuse. Please remember that.
But you shouldn't have to walk on eggshells, either. You can't "manage" his drinking or his abuse. Not over the long term. I'm afraid you're on the money when you say he is a "ticking time bomb." "Pushing his buttons" isn't an excuse for what he does to you. Do you realize that anything that displeases him is what he would consider "pushing his buttons?"
Two people in a relationship will get on each other's nerves sometimes. It's inevitable. This isn't about your irritating him. It's about his need to never ALLOW you to do anything that irritates him.
And I'm sorry to say that whether he is drinking or not, nothing you change about yourself will help him. It isn't your JOB to help him. And you aren't the problem to begin with. Not the problem that causes his drinking, and not the problem that causes his abuse. Please remember that.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,256
Originally Posted by LexieCat
Jb, it's very true that you don't need to start arguments, or to engage in them.
But you shouldn't have to walk on eggshells, either. You can't "manage" his drinking or his abuse. Not over the long term. I'm afraid you're on the money when you say he is a "ticking time bomb." "Pushing his buttons" isn't an excuse for what he does to you. Do you realize that anything that displeases him is what he would consider "pushing his buttons?"
Two people in a relationship will get on each other's nerves sometimes. It's inevitable. This isn't about your irritating him. It's about his need to never ALLOW you to do anything that irritates him.
And I'm sorry to say that whether he is drinking or not, nothing you change about yourself will help him. It isn't your JOB to help him. And you aren't the problem to begin with. Not the problem that causes his drinking, and not the problem that causes his abuse. Please remember that.
But you shouldn't have to walk on eggshells, either. You can't "manage" his drinking or his abuse. Not over the long term. I'm afraid you're on the money when you say he is a "ticking time bomb." "Pushing his buttons" isn't an excuse for what he does to you. Do you realize that anything that displeases him is what he would consider "pushing his buttons?"
Two people in a relationship will get on each other's nerves sometimes. It's inevitable. This isn't about your irritating him. It's about his need to never ALLOW you to do anything that irritates him.
And I'm sorry to say that whether he is drinking or not, nothing you change about yourself will help him. It isn't your JOB to help him. And you aren't the problem to begin with. Not the problem that causes his drinking, and not the problem that causes his abuse. Please remember that.
All that I am saying is that because I am choosing to stay with him, a consequence of this is that I may have to walk on eggshells. That's just how it is since I am choosing to stay with him.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
I hope that counciling will show you that you deserve so much more than worrying about every word you say might set him off. This is no way to live, he is beating you down whether you realize it or not, he has you right where he wants. Your parents can see this, we can see this just from what you post.
It is possible to give directions without screaming at the driver....Can he drive? Can he behave like an adult and manage money? What if you have children and the baby's crying triggers him?
What if you fall ill and he has to assume responsibility? Will that trigger him?
He doe not wish to seek help, refuses professional or even the AA method of interaction.
You stated yourself that he has an underlying current of anger, drunk or sober, when he sees red, nothing is going to stop him.
i really hope that you find someone to speak with ftf who can lead you away from this trauma and back to a normal happy life. You cannot save him, he refuses to acknowledge his own issues. He will self destruct whether you are there or not. He is dragging you through hell with him.
It is possible to give directions without screaming at the driver....Can he drive? Can he behave like an adult and manage money? What if you have children and the baby's crying triggers him?
What if you fall ill and he has to assume responsibility? Will that trigger him?
He doe not wish to seek help, refuses professional or even the AA method of interaction.
You stated yourself that he has an underlying current of anger, drunk or sober, when he sees red, nothing is going to stop him.
i really hope that you find someone to speak with ftf who can lead you away from this trauma and back to a normal happy life. You cannot save him, he refuses to acknowledge his own issues. He will self destruct whether you are there or not. He is dragging you through hell with him.
Recovering ostrich
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Tampa Bay, Florida
Posts: 2,551
Are you in contact with your AA sponsor throughout all of this? Your sobriety is really important here... And that apprehension mentioned at the beginning, that is your intuition saying there is something wrong. Learn to listen to it.
I've read through here and it seems like you're going to see this through Justbreathe. There are red flags everywhere (enormous, Las Vegas Style, scrolling neon lights?) with still smoking pot, refusal of counseling and one meeting on Friday.... I know you have your safety plan. Check and recheck that it is good to go. I'm thinking about you.!
I've read through here and it seems like you're going to see this through Justbreathe. There are red flags everywhere (enormous, Las Vegas Style, scrolling neon lights?) with still smoking pot, refusal of counseling and one meeting on Friday.... I know you have your safety plan. Check and recheck that it is good to go. I'm thinking about you.!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Hello,
Do you have the DV counselor arranged? Do you attend a home AA group and have a sponsor?
Your AH seems to be isolating you from your family. You commented earlier he did not like Al Anon as he felt it would help you decide to leave him.
Please keep taking steps for you and your own recovery.
Do you have the DV counselor arranged? Do you attend a home AA group and have a sponsor?
Your AH seems to be isolating you from your family. You commented earlier he did not like Al Anon as he felt it would help you decide to leave him.
Please keep taking steps for you and your own recovery.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,222
Sometimes on this site I feel that members can be very fast to say "walk away" and "he won't change, things will only get worse" but then again these are lessons learned at the bleeding edge of life.
In this case I think the sensible things to do is to separate for a couple of months while he pulls himself together and consumes zero alcohol. You can then look to make a decision. I hate to say it but it really does seem unlikely that there is a fairytale ending to this story.
In this case I think the sensible things to do is to separate for a couple of months while he pulls himself together and consumes zero alcohol. You can then look to make a decision. I hate to say it but it really does seem unlikely that there is a fairytale ending to this story.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
But you can STILL choose to leave, when you are ready to. You aren't stuck with this decision, and you don't "deserve" whatever may come.
Don't paint yourself into a corner, even if he tries to.
And I agree with CodeJob that you have to avoid isolation at all costs. Keep in close contact with your counselor(s) and your sponsor, and your family. One of the reasons it can feel impossible to leave is that abusers intentionally isolate you from anyone who can support you.
Don't paint yourself into a corner, even if he tries to.
And I agree with CodeJob that you have to avoid isolation at all costs. Keep in close contact with your counselor(s) and your sponsor, and your family. One of the reasons it can feel impossible to leave is that abusers intentionally isolate you from anyone who can support you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 1,122
Originally Posted by Tamerua
There are red flags everywhere (enormous, Las Vegas Style, scrolling neon lights?) with still smoking pot, refusal of counseling and one meeting on Friday....
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
Knowing this and choosing to be with him, I realize that I need to be careful and aware when I interact with him.
You must be so exhausted.
It is not a way to live
. You do deserve to be happy, confident and free to be you. Ps: I have walked in your shoes.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
JB, you must do this on your time frame, as you are ready. I am glad you are going to get a DV counselor and have a plan in place, that is wonderful good news.
We are here for you regardless of what choices you choose. This is your life, no one else's.
Tight Hugs. XXX
We are here for you regardless of what choices you choose. This is your life, no one else's.
Tight Hugs. XXX
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,256
Originally Posted by Fandy
I hope that counciling will show you that you deserve so much more than worrying about every word you say might set him off. This is no way to live, he is beating you down whether you realize it or not, he has you right where he wants. Your parents can see this, we can see this just from what you post.
It is possible to give directions without screaming at the driver....Can he drive? Can he behave like an adult and manage money? What if you have children and the baby's crying triggers him?
What if you fall ill and he has to assume responsibility? Will that trigger him?
He doe not wish to seek help, refuses professional or even the AA method of interaction.
You stated yourself that he has an underlying current of anger, drunk or sober, when he sees red, nothing is going to stop him.
i really hope that you find someone to speak with ftf who can lead you away from this trauma and back to a normal happy life. You cannot save him, he refuses to acknowledge his own issues. He will self destruct whether you are there or not. He is dragging you through hell with him.
It is possible to give directions without screaming at the driver....Can he drive? Can he behave like an adult and manage money? What if you have children and the baby's crying triggers him?
What if you fall ill and he has to assume responsibility? Will that trigger him?
He doe not wish to seek help, refuses professional or even the AA method of interaction.
You stated yourself that he has an underlying current of anger, drunk or sober, when he sees red, nothing is going to stop him.
i really hope that you find someone to speak with ftf who can lead you away from this trauma and back to a normal happy life. You cannot save him, he refuses to acknowledge his own issues. He will self destruct whether you are there or not. He is dragging you through hell with him.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,256
Originally Posted by Tamerua
Are you in contact with your AA sponsor throughout all of this? Your sobriety is really important here... And that apprehension mentioned at the beginning, that is your intuition saying there is something wrong. Learn to listen to it.
I've read through here and it seems like you're going to see this through Justbreathe. There are red flags everywhere (enormous, Las Vegas Style, scrolling neon lights?) with still smoking pot, refusal of counseling and one meeting on Friday.... I know you have your safety plan. Check and recheck that it is good to go. I'm thinking about you.!
I've read through here and it seems like you're going to see this through Justbreathe. There are red flags everywhere (enormous, Las Vegas Style, scrolling neon lights?) with still smoking pot, refusal of counseling and one meeting on Friday.... I know you have your safety plan. Check and recheck that it is good to go. I'm thinking about you.!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,256
Originally Posted by CodeJob
Hello,
Do you have the DV counselor arranged? Do you attend a home AA group and have a sponsor?
Your AH seems to be isolating you from your family. You commented earlier he did not like Al Anon as he felt it would help you decide to leave him.
Please keep taking steps for you and your own recovery.
Do you have the DV counselor arranged? Do you attend a home AA group and have a sponsor?
Your AH seems to be isolating you from your family. You commented earlier he did not like Al Anon as he felt it would help you decide to leave him.
Please keep taking steps for you and your own recovery.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,256
Originally Posted by ubntubnt
Sometimes on this site I feel that members can be very fast to say "walk away" and "he won't change, things will only get worse" but then again these are lessons learned at the bleeding edge of life.
In this case I think the sensible things to do is to separate for a couple of months while he pulls himself together and consumes zero alcohol. You can then look to make a decision. I hate to say it but it really does seem unlikely that there is a fairytale ending to this story.
In this case I think the sensible things to do is to separate for a couple of months while he pulls himself together and consumes zero alcohol. You can then look to make a decision. I hate to say it but it really does seem unlikely that there is a fairytale ending to this story.
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