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XAH filed an EX PARTE

Old 11-22-2014, 11:26 AM
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XAH filed an EX PARTE

As soon as my lawyer filed for a GAL my xAH filed w his attorney a 18 page ex parte. He alleges I am mentally ill, have kept him and purposefully alienated him from the kids blah blah blah.

He also attached a new parenting plan asking for 4 overnights a week.

He claims that he agreed to the breathalyzer to appease me and that I have refused to participate in co parenting etc...

It's painful to read and it is all lies and projections but a judge doesn't have time to go item through item and probably doesn't care to.

His lawyer is taking the approach of throw so much at the judge so that the real issues are constantly obscured.

A hearing has been set for 2 weeks from now and I basically have to respond to this nonsense.

His lawyer also has given him a 3 BR apt to live in to support his claim he has a suitable place for the kids.

This while he has been fired, has pending DV charges, is court ordered to a batterers class and continues to fail breathalyzers. But he is alleging I have rigged the breathalyzer and that he has proof he's been sober each of those same times.

I am in an all out panic.

I feel like I am on the defensive and don't even know what to do anymore.
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Old 11-22-2014, 11:33 AM
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I've not experience what you are at this time, but I believe truth will prevail. Let him rant, rave and point fingers because it is clear by evidence that he has not been sober. I'm sure the judge may not have time as you've said, but what the judge will have is experience dealing with other drunk spouses and their rantings to be able to see thru it.
You're going to be ok! Breathe deep and pray...I'll be praying with you.. Hugs
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Old 11-22-2014, 11:40 AM
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How did his lawyer "give" him a 3-br apartment?

He's got one of those lawyers who believes that by burying the other side with accusations and paperwork they can win. That only works if your side folds. Keep breathing. Judges in matrimonial cases see this kind of crap AAALLLL the time. Trust me, the judge isn't going to read this and say, "OMG, the woman's a monster--how do we save the children?"

Don't let the ridiculousness of the accusations get you riled up. That's exactly what they are counting on. Keep calm, sit down with your lawyer and plan your point-by-point response, which you will CALMLY present in court. The more agitated you come off, the more he can point to you and say, "See? She's flipping out--this is what I'm talking about."

In short, play YOUR game, not his.
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Old 11-22-2014, 12:28 PM
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I'm sorry you are in such a panic right now. I have no legal experience to share, but I think what Lexi says is pretty spot on.

Plus this:

Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
...

This while he has been fired, has pending DV charges, is court ordered to a batterers class and continues to fail breathalyzers. But he is alleging I have rigged the breathalyzer and that he has proof he's been sober each of those same times.
I don't for one minute believe he has any proof, but he sure wants you to be in a panic about it all and give up. It seems to me that you are actually still in a very strong position.

Deep breaths....it will be OK!
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Old 11-22-2014, 12:53 PM
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What proof could he possibly have? Seriously. Calm down and think about all of this rationally. None of his and his lawyer's shenanigans make any sense. 2+2 does not equal 9. Take a break and then read your post again. Just keep doing what you do. He can't hide the lawyer-provided apartment or his current pending legal matters. You're going to be ok. Breathe. In and out. Slowly. You're going to be ok.
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Old 11-22-2014, 01:00 PM
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Does you ex have deep pockets? Since he was fired, spends $$ on booze, lives in an apt provided to him by his attorney (that must be very temporary), how is he bankrolling this? I believe you mentioned he was a teacher before.

His funds are soon to dry up, right? No attorney will let him live in an apt for free for very long. I assume he is paying his attorney. Why doesn't he have his own apt? This scenario doesn't sound sustainable.
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Old 11-22-2014, 01:15 PM
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Actually, depending on what kind of arrangements are in place, his lawyer might be violating an ethics rule by providing his client with a place to live--not that that is something you can probably raise in the context of your proceedings, but your lawyer might be able to file a grievance if it's improper under the disciplinary rules.
(e) A lawyer shall not provide financial assistance to a client in connection with pending or contemplated litigation, except that:
(1) a lawyer may advance court costs and expenses of litigation, the repayment of which may be contingent on the outcome of the matter; and

(2) a lawyer representing an indigent client may pay court costs and expenses of litigation on behalf of the client.
ABA Model Rules of Professional Conduct 1.8.

You might want to ask your lawyer about that.
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Old 11-22-2014, 01:27 PM
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I want to nominate Lexie as your new lawyer.
Besides that, all you have to do is read over your posts here and you have a record of some awful stuff.
The child coming home after an accident and being hungry and afraid to approach dingdong with her condition.
The reasons he was fired.
Oh, just read them and write them down for your lawyer!
I am so sorry.
I hope you have a nice weekend Wanttobe.
It really is a messed up system with the courts isn't it?
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Old 11-22-2014, 01:42 PM
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Originally Posted by Hollyanne View Post
I want to nominate Lexie as your new lawyer.
LOL, nah, I actually know very little about family law apart from what I have picked up along the way working on DV issues. Trust me, a good matrimonial lawyer is WAY more qualified than I am to address these issues. I'm just spitballin'.

I HAVE seen a lot of dirty divorce tactics, though, and I know how lawyers who use them work.
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Old 11-22-2014, 05:16 PM
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I can't pay my lawyer anymore so I am
doing this alone.

Yes he has deep pockets. His mom has a lot of money. And the lawyer pal of his is a close friend of his who is a criminal defense lawyer not a family lawyer so he's used to defending sleazebag types.

In the motion the lawyer states that bc I have incrementally taken away his parenting time with egregious allegations and falsified breathalyzers he has has no choice but to spend all his income fighting me in litigation and that bc of that he has not has a suitable place to live. And that as of dec 1 he will be residing rent free in a 3 br apt being provided to him by a friend. XAHs lawyer told my attorney (withdrawal has not been submitted yet) that it is his apt he is giving xAH.
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Old 11-22-2014, 05:43 PM
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OK, well, you can still handle this.

Start sketching out your responses to the various allegations. Preparation is the key to going in non-flustered.

Also sketch out the questions you want to ask HIM on the stand. Remember that on cross-examination, you want to ask questions that can be answered "yes" or "no". It's best to ask questions like, "Isn't it true that ____ ?" Make them questions that you KNOW he has to answer a certain way, and ones that, if he doesn't answer truthfully, you can prove it. If he starts explaining or expanding on it, object to the answer as "unresponsive" (yes, you can interrupt him). The judge should tell him to answer the question.

Don't ask "why" questions or questions that will allow him room to dump on you. Any time you do a cross-examination you have two goals: First, to get him to admit things that he has to admit, that will help the case. "Isn't it true that you were arrested on ______ and charged with _____?" "Isn't it true that the house you are living in now was only provided to you as a favor by a friend? You don't have a lease or other legal agreement allowing you to remain there for a fixed period of time, do you? In fact, if your friend decides that he doesn't want you there he could order you to move out at any time, correct? And you don't have employment currently that would allow you to sign a lease, isn't that true?" Don't let him explain it, move on to the next question. The second goal is to undermine his credibility. That can mean showing bias (how he will benefit from the outcome), or prior statements he has made that are inconsistent with what he testifies to in court (be very alert to where anything he testifies to is inconsistent with the papers he just filed, for example). Keep it simple--if you score a few points, you will have done a good job of cross-examination.

You don't have to be Perry Mason. The judge won't expect you to be. But the judge WILL be looking at your demeanor, and looking for whether the person s/he sees in court appears to be this unbalanced dingbat your ex is trying to make you out to be.

Go slow, take your time, if you need a moment to find a document or think of your next question, tell the judge you need a moment.

Bully-type lawyers can feel intimidating when you are on the other side, but they don't usually impress the judge.

Hugs!!
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Old 11-22-2014, 05:44 PM
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Why does he want the kids? They are nothing but a burden to his drinking. Is he fighting you b/c of the possible inappropriate relations? Is he blaming you for his predicament? Are you just the easiest punching bag?

This man seems so insane. What does your attorney say to do?
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Old 11-23-2014, 02:34 AM
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I think he's doing this bc he is a narcissist, the kids are pawns, he doesn't want to be forced to pay child support and if he has them 50% he doesn't have to (& I have stopped fighting that battle). He clearly is alarmed by the GAL request and this seems to be a reactionary move to deflect from the real issues.

His allegations are all "I appeased her by agreeing to the breathalyzer" (when in reality it is a court order). And "her behavior exhibits signs of a major mental illness" (According to him, the wife beater, child abuser, batterers class attending, unemployed due to being fired - teacher and A who has driven drunk with our kids and isn't allowed to drive or have overnights due to the court seeing him as a safety risk).

So I guess I'm not entirely alarmed by the allegations themselves BR rather the fact that he has forced a hearing and that the judge probably doesn't want to hear 15 min of he said she said and my bet is he hopes the judge just awards him 50% bc she's sick of us fighting.

This judge is a "fathers rights" advocate to the point that she has been professionally reprimanded for her decisions that don't follow procedure or take into account all the facts.

So that scares me.

I am seriously thinking of trying to settle with him since I have no more money or energy to continue this fight and my own health and time with my kids is bein seriously compromised by all this stress. I'm contemplating gambling that he may just want to be able to say he for something he wanted and that he then wouldn't follow through. I dont know.


Originally Posted by MissFixit View Post
Why does he want the kids? They are nothing but a burden to his drinking. Is he fighting you b/c of the possible inappropriate relations? Is he blaming you for his predicament? Are you just the easiest punching bag?

This man seems so insane. What does your attorney say to do?
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Old 11-23-2014, 05:14 AM
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Or because you settle he could continue his rampage and file something else. I think it highly unlikely that he will settle fairly because fair would be that he left it all alone.

I don't know the right answer. I know you are tired and exhausted financially. I think I would find a way no matter what I had to do to get an attorney to represent me in this in Court.
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Old 11-23-2014, 05:50 AM
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No way would I settle with this man. You think he will settle for "settle"? Nope, he will keep right on going.

"Father's rights" are one thing (don't get me started on what I think of those organizations) but this guy has "bad parent" written all over him.

I don't think the court will change a thing until the judge hears from the GAL. Nothing he is alleging makes this an emergency. All this is really stuff for the final hearing, not an order to show cause.

You really SHOULD have a lawyer on your side, though. Have you checked with the local DV office, Legal Services, etc., to see whether there are any lawyers who can provide free or reduced-fee representation? Maybe your local Bar Association?
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Old 11-23-2014, 06:05 AM
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I am in the camp of don't settle, because of everything you have written about him over time. He is an abusive bully and won't stop at one thing. He will file again and again. Bullies and abusers don't stop that easily. I don't think its about this thing in particular, he sounds like his life is crumbling and you have historically been his punching bag. You are not there for that anymore and he is placing you back in that role. If you think it is is about the child $$, can you live without it? Would he ever give up his parental rights and let you and the girls move away from him if he no longer had to pay $$?

What is the status on the abuse allegations? Doesn't he have a couple other criminal lawsuits or DSS investigations in the works?
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Old 11-23-2014, 07:27 AM
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I am also trying to divorce a narcissists addict. I am going on 26 months of this bs. My daughter has stayed safer in this situation than she would have otherwise. My hstbxh only knows how to use the fear tactics in this process, it actually doesn't faze me much anymore. I have to say that he has told lies, but it actually ended up granting him supv. visits. Seems to me judges hate false allegations. You can bring in witnesses for your character, psychologist, etc if it comes to that. I want to ask... Do you believe that your kid/s are in danger when they are with him? Has dcfs been involved?
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Old 11-23-2014, 07:32 AM
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One more thing, ask the judg to mandate a drug test at the next hearing, I guaranteed the stress is getting to him and he is probably using.
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Old 11-23-2014, 09:16 PM
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If I agree to settle he will agree to one night of dinner a week and one overnight a week.
It is appealing only bc my state is a 50/50 state no matter what and this judge is a nightmare in terms of ignoring GALs and DCYF unless there are founded charges of child abuse which of yet there have not been.
DCYF wants to nail him but the proof doesn't meet the legal burden to charge him. Oddly they say that if I were less diligent in protecting my kids he probably would have met that burden of proof... So my kids are safer bc of my efforts but legally worse off bc I've kept their dad from doing bad harm to them and that somehow translates to he isn't as bad as if I didn't.

Anyway I am confused about what to do.

I have no $ for a lawyer and legal aid will not assist at this point in a divorce and the DV program is only for getting a RO.

So I'm doing this alone. And am scared.
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Old 11-24-2014, 04:41 AM
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