MissFixit

So, are you saying that if you settle for no more child $$, he will back off to only 1 overnight and 1 dinner a week? What happens if/when he gets a job again? Can you negotiate new child $$ when he has a new income source? Can you survive without $$ from him? Can your family help? Is moving away from him a possibility?

LexieCat

How likely do you think it is that he will STICK with that settlement if you agree to it? Don't you think it's likely he will conjure up some more BS that will entitle him to MORE time?

If you let this play out in court, at least your will have a record and, thus, potential grounds for an appeal. You have to do what you think is best, obviously, but just a couple things to consider.

My thought wasn't that the DV program could represent you, necessarily, but they may know of attorneys who would work for you at a reduced fee. Your bar association might be able to help, and check out the link that sugarbear posted.

Any chance you could call someone from DCYF to testify? I would assume their files are available to the court? Even if there isn't enough there to support a charge of child abuse/neglect, the court could still consider what IS there to determine whether the kids are safe with him, I would think.

hopeful4

Judges know what attorneys rep the sleeze bags too. Just saying.

Breathe. See this as one more antic. His actions are still speaking loudly via consequences.

Tight Hugs. Keep us updated!

NYCDoglvr

"Dems the facts, folks." Good luck saying you're a fit father. Your lawyer will surely come up with a legalese way of saying "a leopard doesn't change his spots!"

wanttobehealthy

My attorney (who nicely has not withdrawn yet but will NOT be in court for a hearing with me unless I come up with $10,000 in two weeks) has told me that she thinks a hearing is a gamble and that a judge could order what we are agreeing to anyway but temporary which would give him time to feign getting his act together and ask for more.

If he signs this agreement this is it. For the next 3 years because it will be final and cant be challenged for 3 years per the way the state does things.

I really am torn and not sure what to do.

I believe that settling on this, he will exercise the time for a period of time and then stop and at least I will be done fighting.

I cant believe I am even considering this but I am not sure the gamble of all the what if's with the judge are worth it....

wanttobehealthy

Lexie,
DCYF wrote a letter TO THE COURT in July which was presented at the ex parte hearing to continue supervised visits. Even with that and all the evidence presented, he was allowed to not have supervised visits. This judge was professionally reprimanded for limiting a fathers rights two years ago. The Dad waged a public war and slammed this judge and the appeals court said she was in error for assigning supervised visits and that she and the GAL did NOT have the authority to do that without a proven DCYF finding of child abuse.

So, she has subsequently turned a blind eye in case after case and in my own case she has ignored my pleas repeatedly, even when presented with endless evidence.

So I fear a hearing with her....

LexieCat

Well, you and the kids are the ones who will have to live with it, and only you can decide what's an acceptable level of risk. You might be right, he might take this as a "win" and things will settle down.

Hugs, I know it's difficult to make these decisions, and whatever you decide, remember that you are making the best decision you can make under the circumstances.

Readreadread

Just a thought, if the judge is going to rule that anyway, can you represent yourself and just tell the judge the situation? Or is there any way to get a different judge assigned to your case, my hsbaxh is filing a motion for an alternate judge to buy time???

hopeful4

I filed for a different judge when I divorced. I do hear you cannot do that in every state though.

wanttobehealthy

There were 4 family court judges in my county last year at this time. There is now 1. She is a Marital Master, not even a judge. The judge rubber stamps whatever she orders.

My best friend has a friend who had SOLE custody of her child for 8 years (without a custody order) and over the last 6 months this judge has slowly restored 50/50 custody to the dad.

This same judge also awarded every other weekend to a father in a case my lawyers colleague worked on, who DID have founded child abuse charges.

She is a loose cannon.

The judge we started with was fabulous. I have asked, researched endlessly etc. how I could possibly get the old judge back. Unless this new judge (Marital Master) does something that is a violation of law (vs just making bad decisions) I can not ask to have her removed.

I have added in endless hoops xAH has to go through to ensure the kids safety during his one overnight. If he does not agree to it, then we go to court.

If he does, then I think it may be about as good as I can hope to get... Idk.... I feel like I will have regrets either way....

LexieCat

That's why I said you need to tell yourself you made the best decision you could, under the circumstances.

Look, nobody has a crystal ball. No one can say for CERTAIN which option will turn out to be the better one. And it's possible that the outcome will be essentially the same either way, too.

You have researched and thought about this exhaustively (literally and figuratively), you have asked experts for advice. The lawyer you paid good money to thinks that the settlement may be in your (and the kids') best interest. There is no guarantee, not matter WHAT you do, that the children will never come to any harm. But that's also true of intact families--people send their kids off to school and they can be abused by a teacher or become victims of some random act of violence. All we can do is take the BEST, most REASONABLE actions we can with the available knowledge and resources at our disposal, say our prayers, and do our best to be alert for any warning signs of danger.

You're a great mom, and if you maintain good communications with your kids, they will tell you if anything scares them. And DCYF will still be available if he endangers the kids.

Hugs,

Readreadread

I agree with Lexi. You are doing your best.... Whatever you decide will the right decision at the time, more will be revealed. Sounds like you are an amazing mother. The system is so flawed, who knows maybe this judge or marital whatever is an addict. Too bad we have to wait for bad things to happen until changes are made and voices are heard.

wanttobehealthy

Yup... I have more control over this outcome than I do gambling with a 30 min hearing which may well alter the parenting plan until a final hearing ....

In the agreement it states that if he shows positive or refuses the breathalyzer 3 x over any period of time, his driving and overnights end and parenting time ceases until further court order.

Readreadread

Quick question, not judging, i am just curious, he can refuse 3 times to take breathalyzer????? I feel like one refusal indicates use?

wanttobehealthy

He ALWAYS has an excuse for refusing so I wanted to say clearly if it happens 3 x parenting time ends until a hearing.

As it is if he refuses then he does not see he kids that day nor the next scheduled time.

Readreadread

Got it, if you ever want to more about my GAL experience, please IM me. The GAL has taken me out of the monitors role, which has allowed me time and space to work on my recovery.