No Contact is Great - But does there come a time when you should respond?
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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One thing: a victim cannot be charged with a violation of her own order. The order does not prohibit the victim from doing anything, only the offender.
That said, it is a TERRIBLE idea to engage with, to communicate with, or to contact someone against whom you have an order. It sends an inconsistent message and encourages further violations of the order.
That said, it is a TERRIBLE idea to engage with, to communicate with, or to contact someone against whom you have an order. It sends an inconsistent message and encourages further violations of the order.
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One thing: a victim cannot be charged with a violation of her own order. The order does not prohibit the victim from doing anything, only the offender.
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I would have kept the conversation strictly about your daughter.
I know having a sick child breaks your heart, but......
it was his time with her and he did let you know she was ill, and they were taking it easy. I understand you wanted your baby home and I hope I'm not talking out of turn but.....
seeing how he is still quacking big time and blaming and bargaining (the dropping the CS is insane.) See how it's still all about him??
Anyway, you may have said, "thanks for letting me know. if she gets too uncomfortable please drop her off early" and left it at that. No drama.
I would hope he would have had her best interest in mind and done what was right by her.
my 2 cents
I know having a sick child breaks your heart, but......
it was his time with her and he did let you know she was ill, and they were taking it easy. I understand you wanted your baby home and I hope I'm not talking out of turn but.....
seeing how he is still quacking big time and blaming and bargaining (the dropping the CS is insane.) See how it's still all about him??
Anyway, you may have said, "thanks for letting me know. if she gets too uncomfortable please drop her off early" and left it at that. No drama.
I would hope he would have had her best interest in mind and done what was right by her.
my 2 cents
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 524
I know Sungril... I panicked. She is only 2 1/2 and knowing she was throwing up without me was clearly too much for me to bear :/
She never threw up before either. I just couldn't deal. but you are right.
now it opened up a can of worms.
She never threw up before either. I just couldn't deal. but you are right.
now it opened up a can of worms.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
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lillamy, your lawyer probably told you that for your own good. And it was good advice.
FWIW, I do know prosecutors who won't prosecute the abuser if the victim initiated contact. They are legally wrong. Prosecutors make mistakes, too--part of my job is educating them. Judges sometimes make those mistakes, too.
The thing is, if the victim DOES avoid contacting the abuser, those problems do not arise.
So yeah, even if the lawyer didn't have it exactly right, it was good advice.
FWIW, I do know prosecutors who won't prosecute the abuser if the victim initiated contact. They are legally wrong. Prosecutors make mistakes, too--part of my job is educating them. Judges sometimes make those mistakes, too.
The thing is, if the victim DOES avoid contacting the abuser, those problems do not arise.
So yeah, even if the lawyer didn't have it exactly right, it was good advice.
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Join Date: May 2012
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The fact that he is using a sick child as leverage against a PFA and child support says EVERYTHING Meg. Really, he wants to reduce the animosity between you & this is how he goes about it? Disgusting.
There is nothing sincere in this at all IMO, these are not the words of a recovering person. I don't buy one Quacking word of it.
There is nothing sincere in this at all IMO, these are not the words of a recovering person. I don't buy one Quacking word of it.
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
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This is a manipulative piece of crap letter, I d suggest like the others that you do not respond to it and turn it over to your lawyer immediately and let him/her handle it.
I had my abusive ex arrested for breaking my TRO over a voicemail he left on my cell phone.
I went to the police station and the cops listened to it and arrested him (I did not have a lawyer or even a victim advocate so I had to handle it alone).
He is violating a no contact order from the court and it's like the proverbial: If you give a finger, he'll take the arm.
This can only get worst if he gets away with it.
I had my abusive ex arrested for breaking my TRO over a voicemail he left on my cell phone.
I went to the police station and the cops listened to it and arrested him (I did not have a lawyer or even a victim advocate so I had to handle it alone).
He is violating a no contact order from the court and it's like the proverbial: If you give a finger, he'll take the arm.
This can only get worst if he gets away with it.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
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Terrible stuff. Ugh.
My NPDx used to do this to me. Every time I talked to him was, for him, an opportunity to negotiate our flipping legal custody agreement. I would tell him, no, we are discussing the sick child/pick up arrangements/exceptional weekend visitation, whatever, NOT our entire legal agreement that we decided on in court.
That said, you have a PFA. What's it for? Is he violating it? Him sending you appeals for apologies despite the PFA is really gross -- he's testing your boundaries. Seeing if you're slap his hand for violating the terms. Will you?
How are those boundaries?
He agreed, but not without spewing ugliness at me. He said it was time to make a deal – he would let her come home if I dropped child support and the PFA – that if I want something I have to give something in return. The ridiculous went on and on. I didn’t engage at all.
That said, you have a PFA. What's it for? Is he violating it? Him sending you appeals for apologies despite the PFA is really gross -- he's testing your boundaries. Seeing if you're slap his hand for violating the terms. Will you?
How are those boundaries?
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Join Date: Feb 2010
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It is really gross I guess.
It's obsessive isn't it? I mean I called it quits in June, left in July - Its November.
I think my boundaries are good. I have no desire to respond. But I wanted to be honest here.
I don't want to keep things inside or not share what goes on in case it sneaks up on me later and I think damn I should have discussed that with SR.
He textd me and asked how the little one was doing - and then asked if I got his email - I didn't respond.
It's obsessive isn't it? I mean I called it quits in June, left in July - Its November.
I think my boundaries are good. I have no desire to respond. But I wanted to be honest here.
I don't want to keep things inside or not share what goes on in case it sneaks up on me later and I think damn I should have discussed that with SR.
He textd me and asked how the little one was doing - and then asked if I got his email - I didn't respond.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
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If my mate were to send an e-mail like that, even as it is, that would be a HUGELY magnanimous gesture on his part.
I don't know which of us has the better deal. Your mate could be BSing you, but sends you "nice" e-mails sometimes. Mine doesn't BS me at all, and is being consistently nasty...
I don't know which of us has the better deal. Your mate could be BSing you, but sends you "nice" e-mails sometimes. Mine doesn't BS me at all, and is being consistently nasty...
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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I'm going to ask again, since you haven't answered our question: Why aren't you reporting this violation? It will only continue, and each time it will be just a LITTLE more intrusive or upsetting, and so you may let that one pass, too...
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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I've told this story before.
My ex was told by the police not to contact me.
So one day in the mail I got an envelope with no return address.
I opened it.
Only thing in there was the exes hair. He had cut off his shoulder length hair and sent it to me?...
why.
Yeah, it felt a bit like that bunny in the soup-pot.
My ex was told by the police not to contact me.
So one day in the mail I got an envelope with no return address.
I opened it.
Only thing in there was the exes hair. He had cut off his shoulder length hair and sent it to me?...
why.
Yeah, it felt a bit like that bunny in the soup-pot.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
The basis for his letter came out of the fact he wanted to play LETS MAKE A DEAL over your child being sick!!!
All I read in his letter is bla bla bla bla blame blame blame – no accountable. It was the house’s fault and his drinking got out of control.
As far as an “the” apology “after the dust has settled” has the dust even settled because it sure doesn’t sound that way.
Listen to that little inner voice telling you to ignore this email.
Why do you feel the need that you want to tell him someday what this experience with him has done to you? What expectations in having that conversation are running through your head? The most damaged people we know are not the ones to validate us, understand us or have empathy for us, after all he didn’t make you stay and endure it, you made that decision.
Often they don’t get it, never will understand how their actions caused hurt or pain and waiting around for a real meaningful apology is like waiting to win the lottery, there’s a chance but you can’t bank on it.
All I read in his letter is bla bla bla bla blame blame blame – no accountable. It was the house’s fault and his drinking got out of control.
As far as an “the” apology “after the dust has settled” has the dust even settled because it sure doesn’t sound that way.
Listen to that little inner voice telling you to ignore this email.
Why do you feel the need that you want to tell him someday what this experience with him has done to you? What expectations in having that conversation are running through your head? The most damaged people we know are not the ones to validate us, understand us or have empathy for us, after all he didn’t make you stay and endure it, you made that decision.
Often they don’t get it, never will understand how their actions caused hurt or pain and waiting around for a real meaningful apology is like waiting to win the lottery, there’s a chance but you can’t bank on it.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
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Originally Posted by Eauchiche 
If my mate were to send an e-mail like that, even as it is, that would be a HUGELY magnanimous gesture on his part.
I don't know which of us has the better deal. Your mate could be BSing you, but sends you "nice" e-mails sometimes. Mine doesn't BS me at all, and is being consistently nasty...
I don't know which of us has the better deal. Your mate could be BSing you, but sends you "nice" e-mails sometimes. Mine doesn't BS me at all, and is being consistently nasty...
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I don't think we have the right to expect people to answer pointed questions we may pose. Nothing wrong with asking the question and then explaining that they do not owe us an answer on the forum, but it is something for them to consider on their own.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
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No I'm ok with it. and Lexie I'm glad you called me out. I think.
Here is the reason why I am not reporting it. #1 Because I feel bad for him (after that letter)
But especially #2 - when I called to ask if he would allow her to come home, he said yes (under duress). I then realized I had my fathers car for the day and did not have a car seat.
I called him back and asked him if he would make an exception for just this time and would he drop her off at my house instead of the library. He agreed but not without incident - this is where all of the spewing came in.
So I have no grounds. And I am guessing this is what made him feel comfortable sending the email.
So there you have it.
Here is the reason why I am not reporting it. #1 Because I feel bad for him (after that letter)
But especially #2 - when I called to ask if he would allow her to come home, he said yes (under duress). I then realized I had my fathers car for the day and did not have a car seat.
I called him back and asked him if he would make an exception for just this time and would he drop her off at my house instead of the library. He agreed but not without incident - this is where all of the spewing came in.
So I have no grounds. And I am guessing this is what made him feel comfortable sending the email.
So there you have it.
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