No Contact is Great - But does there come a time when you should respond?
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 524
No Contact is Great - But does there come a time when you should respond?
So – this past weekend I get a text from him telling me that my little one was throwing up and he just wanted to let me know and that they would be taking it easy.. I called him and asked if he would please let her come home. He agreed, but not without spewing ugliness at me. He said it was time to make a deal – he would let her come home if I dropped child support and the PFA – that if I want something I have to give something in return. The ridiculous went on and on. I didn’t engage at all.
It didn’t have the same effect on me. I didn’t love it, but it didn’t ruin my day. Then, I get this email from him. He hasn’t changed, really. I mean he has been a little more polite here and there but I feel like he is white knuckling it. I guess my question is at one point do you indulge them with a response? At what point do you “respond” – This is an old tired conversation and although I could really let him have it. I’m not sure it would accomplish anything. Or that it even matters. Or that it is even good for me. Or that I have the strength and desire. I’m not interested in what he has to say. At least not now. Maybe in 2 years.
I would love someone who is a bit more advanced to give me some insight or decode this for me. He has been accusing me of having a boyfriend for probably 2 years now and it makes me so mad every time I hear it – I have barely had friends when I was with him let alone a boyfriend. Just him mentioning that makes me angry.
Dear Meg,
At great risk I am sending you this email. I do not want any more animosity between us, in fact I wish the opposite would happen. I am sure by now you are seeing someone new but I need you to know I miss you dearly.
I don’t know when things got out of control but they did. I got way in over my head with the house and everything that went with it. Many useless needless arguments resulted from things around that place.
Nonetheless, I let my drinking get out of hand and along with it my temper. I became a horrible person. One that I didn’t even like. But the only thing I knew how to do was drink away my feelings and get angry. I want you to know I am very sorry for all I have done.
I’ve had a lot of time to think about things over the past months.
I’ve also undergone a lot of counseling and have made some serious progress in my recovery. It doesn’t always show when we talk because I still have such raw feelings I hope you can find some room to forgive me. I know your feelings are probably raw too and you won’t. In fact you’ll probably show this email to your boyfriend, friends and family and ridicule me.
The bottom line is this, I miss you, the girls and our family. Then he goes on about how much he misses me and the girls and specifies stupid things.
Then he goes on to say how I was the best thing that ever happened to him, he wishes he could make it all up to me and his dream is that one day he will have a chance. Blah blah.
He closes with: Well, turn this over to your lawyer or the cops or laugh with your boyfriend. I needed to tell you how I feel. I miss you badly, even though this got ugly. I am sorry.
Thoughts? It sounds passive aggressive - what is he trying to accomplish - this isn't a genuine sorry - he clearly thinks there is hope!
It didn’t have the same effect on me. I didn’t love it, but it didn’t ruin my day. Then, I get this email from him. He hasn’t changed, really. I mean he has been a little more polite here and there but I feel like he is white knuckling it. I guess my question is at one point do you indulge them with a response? At what point do you “respond” – This is an old tired conversation and although I could really let him have it. I’m not sure it would accomplish anything. Or that it even matters. Or that it is even good for me. Or that I have the strength and desire. I’m not interested in what he has to say. At least not now. Maybe in 2 years.
I would love someone who is a bit more advanced to give me some insight or decode this for me. He has been accusing me of having a boyfriend for probably 2 years now and it makes me so mad every time I hear it – I have barely had friends when I was with him let alone a boyfriend. Just him mentioning that makes me angry.
Dear Meg,
At great risk I am sending you this email. I do not want any more animosity between us, in fact I wish the opposite would happen. I am sure by now you are seeing someone new but I need you to know I miss you dearly.
I don’t know when things got out of control but they did. I got way in over my head with the house and everything that went with it. Many useless needless arguments resulted from things around that place.
Nonetheless, I let my drinking get out of hand and along with it my temper. I became a horrible person. One that I didn’t even like. But the only thing I knew how to do was drink away my feelings and get angry. I want you to know I am very sorry for all I have done.
I’ve had a lot of time to think about things over the past months.
I’ve also undergone a lot of counseling and have made some serious progress in my recovery. It doesn’t always show when we talk because I still have such raw feelings I hope you can find some room to forgive me. I know your feelings are probably raw too and you won’t. In fact you’ll probably show this email to your boyfriend, friends and family and ridicule me.
The bottom line is this, I miss you, the girls and our family. Then he goes on about how much he misses me and the girls and specifies stupid things.
Then he goes on to say how I was the best thing that ever happened to him, he wishes he could make it all up to me and his dream is that one day he will have a chance. Blah blah.
He closes with: Well, turn this over to your lawyer or the cops or laugh with your boyfriend. I needed to tell you how I feel. I miss you badly, even though this got ugly. I am sorry.
Thoughts? It sounds passive aggressive - what is he trying to accomplish - this isn't a genuine sorry - he clearly thinks there is hope!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 524
No if I were writing an apology letter it would not look like that. I'm just wondering, is this "the" apology? You know the "after the dust has settled" apology.
Or is he just quacking. Yes there is truth in there somewhere and that is what kept me there for 7 years but its the same song. I want to ignore this email. that is what I want to do.
Or is he just quacking. Yes there is truth in there somewhere and that is what kept me there for 7 years but its the same song. I want to ignore this email. that is what I want to do.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I personally would not respond at all. I agree with with lillamy that if I were sincerely sorry, that is not how it would look at all.
Really, he wants you to drop the PFA and Child Support so your sick child can come home???? What an A$$.
Really, he wants you to drop the PFA and Child Support so your sick child can come home???? What an A$$.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 524
I know. I guess I always thought someday there would be a time - maybe not next week or next month, or even next year, but there would possibly be a time that we would have an exchange and I would be able to tell him what this experience with him has done to me and how badly it traumatized me and perhaps wish him well.
I do not think this is the time.
I do not think this is the time.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I don't think we can look to the person who hurt us to heal us.
Tell your story to us, to Al Anon, to a therapist.
He will never understand and you'll probably not receive the type of apology that will mean anything to you. He won't ever understand how you feel. Holding onto that hope keeps you stuck.
Tell your story to us, to Al Anon, to a therapist.
He will never understand and you'll probably not receive the type of apology that will mean anything to you. He won't ever understand how you feel. Holding onto that hope keeps you stuck.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
On some level, I don't think it matters if there's a kernel of sincerity somewhere in there. There's enough quacking -- and, absolutely, passive-aggressive digs at you -- for it to be perfectly acceptable to ignore it and not respond to it. At least that's how I see it.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
Quackity quack quack QUACK!!!
Even his "apology" is tempered with and qualified by accusations against you, and "poor me" statements
QUACK!
Archive that email in case you ever need proof he violated the PFA, and ignore. That's what I would do, anyway.
Even his "apology" is tempered with and qualified by accusations against you, and "poor me" statements
QUACK!
Archive that email in case you ever need proof he violated the PFA, and ignore. That's what I would do, anyway.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'd put that on big, fat IGNORE. It means nothing. He is simply trying to suck you back into an exchange.
Oh, and that bit about letting a sick child come home to mom if you dropped the PFA? That's plain sick, in addition to its being a violation.
I would report this letter IMMEDIATELY to the police, and be sure to tell them about the exchange on the phone, too. The order means NOTHING if you don't enforce it. And even if the order allows you to communicate regarding the children, this has NOTHING to do with the children. And his concern for his child is readily reflected in what he told you on the phone last night.
Let the system handle it--that's what it is there for.
Oh, and that bit about letting a sick child come home to mom if you dropped the PFA? That's plain sick, in addition to its being a violation.
I would report this letter IMMEDIATELY to the police, and be sure to tell them about the exchange on the phone, too. The order means NOTHING if you don't enforce it. And even if the order allows you to communicate regarding the children, this has NOTHING to do with the children. And his concern for his child is readily reflected in what he told you on the phone last night.
Let the system handle it--that's what it is there for.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 524
I didn't send this but I figured I would send my pretend reply to you guys.
It is a shame there is animosity between us. Frankly, I am extremely uncomfortable and anxious around you when exchanging the kids. It used to be downright fear, but counseling has helped a little to where I am now only “extremely uncomfortable and anxious” progress right? I guess that is what happens after years of abuse, drunken explosions and wildly unpredictable behavior.
When things got out of control how and why is not something I wish to discuss with you any further. Any discussions regarding that topic will be had in an effort for me to heal and recover from your addiction and abuse, not to bring you clarity or peace. Everyone has “useless, needless arguments” – that is not what took place with us. Perhaps you should start getting honest with yourself before you pretend to be honest with me.
I get it – you are sorry. Thank you. You’ve been sorry for years. I heard you the first 500 times.
Leave me the h$ll alone.
It is a shame there is animosity between us. Frankly, I am extremely uncomfortable and anxious around you when exchanging the kids. It used to be downright fear, but counseling has helped a little to where I am now only “extremely uncomfortable and anxious” progress right? I guess that is what happens after years of abuse, drunken explosions and wildly unpredictable behavior.
When things got out of control how and why is not something I wish to discuss with you any further. Any discussions regarding that topic will be had in an effort for me to heal and recover from your addiction and abuse, not to bring you clarity or peace. Everyone has “useless, needless arguments” – that is not what took place with us. Perhaps you should start getting honest with yourself before you pretend to be honest with me.
I get it – you are sorry. Thank you. You’ve been sorry for years. I heard you the first 500 times.
Leave me the h$ll alone.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Originally Posted by meggem 
So – this past weekend I get a text from him telling me that my little one was throwing up and he just wanted to let me know and that they would be taking it easy.. I called him and asked if he would please let her come home. He agreed, but not without spewing ugliness at me. He said it was time to make a deal – he would let her come home if I dropped child support and the PFA – that if I want something I have to give something in return. The ridiculous went on and on. I didn’t engage at all.
It didn’t have the same effect on me. I didn’t love it, but it didn’t ruin my day. Then, I get this email from him. He hasn’t changed, really. I mean he has been a little more polite here and there but I feel like he is white knuckling it. I guess my question is at one point do you indulge them with a response? At what point do you “respond” – This is an old tired conversation and although I could really let him have it. I’m not sure it would accomplish anything. Or that it even matters. Or that it is even good for me. Or that I have the strength and desire. I’m not interested in what he has to say. At least not now. Maybe in 2 years.
I would love someone who is a bit more advanced to give me some insight or decode this for me. He has been accusing me of having a boyfriend for probably 2 years now and it makes me so mad every time I hear it – I have barely had friends when I was with him let alone a boyfriend. Just him mentioning that makes me angry.
Dear Meg,
At great risk I am sending you this email. I do not want any more animosity between us, in fact I wish the opposite would happen. I am sure by now you are seeing someone new but I need you to know I miss you dearly.
I don’t know when things got out of control but they did. I got way in over my head with the house and everything that went with it. Many useless needless arguments resulted from things around that place.
Nonetheless, I let my drinking get out of hand and along with it my temper. I became a horrible person. One that I didn’t even like. But the only thing I knew how to do was drink away my feelings and get angry. I want you to know I am very sorry for all I have done.
I’ve had a lot of time to think about things over the past months.
I’ve also undergone a lot of counseling and have made some serious progress in my recovery. It doesn’t always show when we talk because I still have such raw feelings I hope you can find some room to forgive me. I know your feelings are probably raw too and you won’t. In fact you’ll probably show this email to your boyfriend, friends and family and ridicule me.
The bottom line is this, I miss you, the girls and our family. Then he goes on about how much he misses me and the girls and specifies stupid things.
Then he goes on to say how I was the best thing that ever happened to him, he wishes he could make it all up to me and his dream is that one day he will have a chance. Blah blah.
He closes with: Well, turn this over to your lawyer or the cops or laugh with your boyfriend. I needed to tell you how I feel. I miss you badly, even though this got ugly. I am sorry.
Thoughts? It sounds passive aggressive - what is he trying to accomplish - this isn't a genuine sorry - he clearly thinks there is hope!
It didn’t have the same effect on me. I didn’t love it, but it didn’t ruin my day. Then, I get this email from him. He hasn’t changed, really. I mean he has been a little more polite here and there but I feel like he is white knuckling it. I guess my question is at one point do you indulge them with a response? At what point do you “respond” – This is an old tired conversation and although I could really let him have it. I’m not sure it would accomplish anything. Or that it even matters. Or that it is even good for me. Or that I have the strength and desire. I’m not interested in what he has to say. At least not now. Maybe in 2 years.
I would love someone who is a bit more advanced to give me some insight or decode this for me. He has been accusing me of having a boyfriend for probably 2 years now and it makes me so mad every time I hear it – I have barely had friends when I was with him let alone a boyfriend. Just him mentioning that makes me angry.
Dear Meg,
At great risk I am sending you this email. I do not want any more animosity between us, in fact I wish the opposite would happen. I am sure by now you are seeing someone new but I need you to know I miss you dearly.
I don’t know when things got out of control but they did. I got way in over my head with the house and everything that went with it. Many useless needless arguments resulted from things around that place.
Nonetheless, I let my drinking get out of hand and along with it my temper. I became a horrible person. One that I didn’t even like. But the only thing I knew how to do was drink away my feelings and get angry. I want you to know I am very sorry for all I have done.
I’ve had a lot of time to think about things over the past months.
I’ve also undergone a lot of counseling and have made some serious progress in my recovery. It doesn’t always show when we talk because I still have such raw feelings I hope you can find some room to forgive me. I know your feelings are probably raw too and you won’t. In fact you’ll probably show this email to your boyfriend, friends and family and ridicule me.
The bottom line is this, I miss you, the girls and our family. Then he goes on about how much he misses me and the girls and specifies stupid things.
Then he goes on to say how I was the best thing that ever happened to him, he wishes he could make it all up to me and his dream is that one day he will have a chance. Blah blah.
He closes with: Well, turn this over to your lawyer or the cops or laugh with your boyfriend. I needed to tell you how I feel. I miss you badly, even though this got ugly. I am sorry.
Thoughts? It sounds passive aggressive - what is he trying to accomplish - this isn't a genuine sorry - he clearly thinks there is hope!
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,908
Originally Posted by meggem
I didn't send this but I figured I would send my pretend reply to you guys.
It is a shame there is animosity between us. Frankly, I am extremely uncomfortable and anxious around you when exchanging the kids. It used to be downright fear, but counseling has helped a little to where I am now only “extremely uncomfortable and anxious” progress right? I guess that is what happens after years of abuse, drunken explosions and wildly unpredictable behavior.
When things got out of control how and why is not something I wish to discuss with you any further. Any discussions regarding that topic will be had in an effort for me to heal and recover from your addiction and abuse, not to bring you clarity or peace. Everyone has “useless, needless arguments” – that is not what took place with us. Perhaps you should start getting honest with yourself before you pretend to be honest with me.
I get it – you are sorry. Thank you. You’ve been sorry for years. I heard you the first 500 times.
Leave me the h$ll alone.
It is a shame there is animosity between us. Frankly, I am extremely uncomfortable and anxious around you when exchanging the kids. It used to be downright fear, but counseling has helped a little to where I am now only “extremely uncomfortable and anxious” progress right? I guess that is what happens after years of abuse, drunken explosions and wildly unpredictable behavior.
When things got out of control how and why is not something I wish to discuss with you any further. Any discussions regarding that topic will be had in an effort for me to heal and recover from your addiction and abuse, not to bring you clarity or peace. Everyone has “useless, needless arguments” – that is not what took place with us. Perhaps you should start getting honest with yourself before you pretend to be honest with me.
I get it – you are sorry. Thank you. You’ve been sorry for years. I heard you the first 500 times.
Leave me the h$ll alone.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 524
yea I'm sure it is - I didn't reply.
I thought it would be healthy for me if I pretend replied to you guys instead of maybe stuffing my feelings down-but to be honest I didn't really feel anything except wondering what the polite thing is to do when someone (even an iditio) sends you this kind of email.
I thought it would be healthy for me if I pretend replied to you guys instead of maybe stuffing my feelings down-but to be honest I didn't really feel anything except wondering what the polite thing is to do when someone (even an iditio) sends you this kind of email.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I missed that you have a PFA. Given that, I second Lexie.
The reason you have one of those is exactly to protect you from the kind of blackmail he was attempting over the phone.
This is not just quacking, this is manipulation.
The reason you have one of those is exactly to protect you from the kind of blackmail he was attempting over the phone.
This is not just quacking, this is manipulation.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
meggem....good for you to express yourself to us. However, I agree not to send it.
Fact: He doesn't "get it". He has to protect his alcoholism. He looks at the world through that filter. If he "got it" he would have to quit drinking and make changes. That looks like death to him.
Unless he recovers...he is not going to "get it".
Accept this.
When you accept this fact--you can easily ignore him without any discomfort to yourself.
You are fighting with windmills.....
Sorry.
dandylion
Fact: He doesn't "get it". He has to protect his alcoholism. He looks at the world through that filter. If he "got it" he would have to quit drinking and make changes. That looks like death to him.
Unless he recovers...he is not going to "get it".
Accept this.
When you accept this fact--you can easily ignore him without any discomfort to yourself.
You are fighting with windmills.....
Sorry.
dandylion
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