Soberintexas007

I think it all depends on when each one of hits our bottom with our alcoholic partners. I am a RA myself, so maybe that is why I have a deeper bottom than other people. I have been asserting myself more often, and it seems like my husband is listening more. But I am seeing that now that I have 14 days sober, my husband is drinking less, which is a good thing. But, like I said, I have not reached my bottom yet with my husband, so only time will tell.

FireSprite

I understand what you're saying here Stung, but I'm still reading "I'm trying to apply left-brain logic to right-brain problems." I don't think it's a theory that CAN be tested in relationships for that reason.

I think that by nature relationships are emotional & the "opportunity cost" of having them isn't measurable in a tangible way.... but that doesn't stop us from being affected in what seems (read: feels) like a tangible way. And sometimes those costs trigger us in ways we can't plan for. One day you wake to find yourself in a situation & your Plan B doesn't seem to fit because it didn't account for all the variables like red talked about. People ARE variables, IMO.

To me part of accepting being in a relationship with a Recovering Alcoholic means that I am going into it knowing that those variables exist, can pop up at anytime & I have zero control over them or what domino effect it will have on me or DD until it happens. If I have an if/then way of handling it, that means I have expectations related to it all too.

What if you get it all figured out in your head in a way that lets you place everything into those if/then columns & rows & he "gets" it & gets serious about his recovery & holds it together for 5 solid years...... and then relapses suddenly without warning. Is it possible or even reasonable to expect the You-Who-You-Are-Now to know exactly how you will feel or what your reaction will be? I would wager that over 5 yrs of sober time a lot would change in your lives & your kids' lives and that you couldn't even possibly predict all the ways the Future You would be impacted by something like that. So suddenly, nothing fits into those if/then boxes like you thought it would when you defined it all originally.

I think a lot of this is perspective too Stung.... Maybe it does sound super stressful TO THEM, based on THEIR experiences and only hearing the highlights. I'll bet that if they opened up & shared their garbage you could make the same kinds of assumptions about their lives based on your own POV. My friend is a teacher & when I hear about her job I think it has to be the most challenging & stressful type of living.... dealing with so many different personalities in the classroom, so many diff kinds of parents, the catty-coworker BS, the pressure from the local, state & federal administration. But to her it's NBD at all because she balances it all against the positives that she loves about the work. She shudders to think of doing a job like mine & thinks it's an outrageous amount of pressure, but I don't feel that same way. It doesn't make you "full of crap" just because you don't share the same perspective as the person giving you their opinion about your life.

Did you watch that Brene Brown TED talk that was linked in my thread last week (by FindingPeace1)? It's called the Power of Vulnerability & at about the halfway point, she talks about having a bit of a breakdown as a researcher (a very if/then type of thinker) having to embrace the idea that our humanity can't be predicted in such an if/then kind of way.

Brené Brown: The power of vulnerability | Talk Video | TED.com

hopeful4

Stung, I get it. I am the same, if..then....person. I had to absolutely know with every fiber of my being that I was doing the right thing in divorcing my X..

Time did reveal more, of that I am glad. Because now I look back with not one single doubt and am able not to carry around resentment and anger. That has saved my own life and sanity.

Just remember, we are here with you, no matter what decisions you do or don't make in your life.

XXX

Stung

I forget how normal some of my life crap is sometimes.

I was catching up with an old friend today and I haven't talked to her in about a year. She asked about my girls, then me and then how things with AH are. I told her we're separated and going through a rough time and that some couples make it and some don't - not that we aren't trying or don't love one another, we're just not on the same page right now. And hot damn, that is very accurate regardless of whether one partner is an addict or not.

I mentally slapped myself in the face and remembered that almost half of all marriages end in divorce and most of those marriages probably don't have addicts in them. Gah!

Anyhoo, I have no effing clue what I'm doing with my life. I still want to move to France and buy a lavender farm. I'm thinking I'm going to buy some lottery tickets for my upcoming 30th b-day and if I'm meant to own a lavender farm then the lottery Gods will give me the means.

*Most of my friends don't know that we've been separated for the vast majority of this year since we still spend a lot of time together and I'm not sure how outing him with telling people that he's an alcoholic works. I'm not sure if that's his to divulge or if it's fair game. I'm leaning towards being discreet because the details are really none of anyone's business unless they're very close friends of mine and then they already know all of the dirty details anyway.

MissFixit

Honestly, I would be discreet. I would be truthful, but other folks don't need to hear the gory details unless it is somehow pertinent to them or they are helping with something relevant. I was discreet and maybe too much so, but so many people knew anyway. Telling friends you are separated is truthful, but the details about why at this point is not helpful.

HealingWillCome

I try to ask myself, "Is there any *useful* purpose?" before sharing anything about anyone for any reason, including myself or family members. If the answer is no, I tend to keep my mouth shut.

LexieCat

I'd share on a "need to know" basis. If you need support from a particular friend, share whatever. I wouldn't keep my mouth shut for the sake of "protecting" the alcoholic. If it's a casual friend, with whom you don't share intimate details of your lives, then no need to share. That's how gossip gets started.

Florence

I am relatively discreet, but if we're talking down low details I'll say my XAH had a serious drinking problem. More people than I ever realized have been touched by addiction. I've only had a few people act ignorantly at me after sharing that information -- and in hindsight, all of those people had a lot of issues themselves.

Hammer

But a lot of them do. Alcoholics, Addicts and Mental Illness.

Chatted some with my lawyer(s) regarding that. They do not take them as clients, but they say most often that is what they see on the other side.

The numbers get so high, because the A's go back out and get in wrecks (marriages) again.