Blossom717

I went on a date last weekend...first one since leaving xabf. It was weird, having the company of someone else.

I didn't tell many people about it, since it's only been about 2 months since I left xabf. But I was ready to leave well before that so deep down I don't feel like its an issue. I do want to focus on DD and getting our life together before any thing else. But it was nice to get out and have a sober conversation with someone.

We hit it off as well, we both has children (his son is 2, my dd is 3), he grew up with an alcoholic mom, and we both work in construction. Conversation flowed easily, there wasn't sparks or fireworks but we were comfortable around each other.

I think the biggest thing to dating after leaving the relationship with an A is that we can't remember to loose focus on ourselves. Those boundaries are important and we have to remember that if the next person can't respect our boundaries then we aren't obligated to see them again.

Florence

I took over a year to start seeing anyone, and I said no to a dozen guys between then and my break up with XAH. I spent that year healing, in counseling, and figuring out my divorce, making new friends, and learning who I was after that disaster of a marriage.

If you trust your own romantic judgment right after finding yourself in a long-term codependent relationship with an addict, I wonder about what you've learned.

My opinion is that the bruised and battered you that's just emerged from an abused and addicted high-drama relationship is not one that's ready for a calm, mature, healthy relationship.

But that's me.

Blossom717

One thing I forgot to add - I am by no means looking for a relationship right now...more of a companionship of sorts. Its been too long since I could have a decent conversation with someone who wasn't related to me or wasn't a co-worker.

PippiLngstockng

This is to Anvilhead, and a few others who echoed her premise.

I seem to really annoy you, but you keep returning to my story, friends. I'm glad you are here and I am glad you call me out on stuff, too. It used to upset me when everyone would start slamming me. But I have some appreciation for you all, and maybe it is even somewhat mutual.

Somewhere along our dialogue and my life, I realized I didn't need to follow SR dogma to make healthy decisions for myself. I could go my own way, yet take the wisdom here that works for me, too. Which is in fantastically generous supply here plus I need it! Thank you

I am not cynical. I also am pushing 50 ( still have 9 months to go) and yes I have 4 poopsies in my charge. And less than no money.

So what am I doing spouting all this nonsense about these men...I don't know, I just followed what I wanted to do after my separation. I worked on my language skills and I refused to stay home crying and panicky about my s**tty situation, obsessing about my past and stupid xah. I kept working out, sunbathing, seeing friends, and training with gorgeous sexy European athletes.

Over time, I started hanging and training more individually with some of these and that includes the marrieds. MG 1 isn't training right now, plus I lost interest. 3, I had a talking with last month, he understands what life lessons I was trying to impart, and when I saw him last night he was still flirting with me. Oh well, I listened to myself, anyway. 2 is still in my heart but I told him I can't continue like this, so he has some figuring out to do and I hear from him often.

I don't know sometimes when I am on a date or just hanging out. I keep getting faster and stronger and more confident, so I have some nice choices among sexy European athletes, most of whom are charming and smart and successful. I think anyone who led this lifestyle would find themselves similarly well placed. . I don't think I am so special.

I don't want to grow up any more than I already have. Nor do I want to be cynical, paranoid or so overwhelmed by my responsibilities that I can't have fun any more.

So, I am having fun. . So much fun sometimes it's crazy.

And yes, I was in the hospital not long ago. And came in 3rd woman in a tough mountain race 6 days later. And have since fallen in a scooter accident and messed up a rib. And raced well again anyway. And the trainer who is treating my rib/back is gorgeous.

Fandy

You've again, put the focus on "Gorgeous, Sexy Men" actually 3X in your last post.

Not once do you mention your own achievements/accomplishments that will make you financially independant. Not once do you mention meaningful contributions to supporting yourself?

sports are fun, sports are a hobby, (for me anyway). They don't pay my mortgage or put food on the table, nor will they pay for your children's needs (referring to them as *poopsies* is kind of demeaning, but maybe it's lost in translation). You will argue tooth and nail about what you THINK your xhusband should do, but suppose he and his $$ vanish into thin air and there is NOTHING to fight for, then who is going to support them?

Your focus is on "having fun" with anyone that looks sideways at you? You enjoy the attention, but what are you doing to become a self-sufficiant grown woman who supports her children?
The example that you project is very superficial.

PippiLngstockng

The career I am building is in the fitness industry. I honestly believe I wouldn't have been able to keep my chin up most day if it weren't for my workouts and all the people (women friends especially) that come with them.

Fandy, are you happy? I don't think having fun is superficial. I think it's important. That's my fitness specialty. Super-fun workouts

SeriousKarma

I think that's what people are trying to tell you.

Everything you're saying would make perfect sense to my STBXAH. He's a big one for picking and choosing what he wants to hear. Me, not so much. I guess I've learned to that there's wisdom in the "dogma", whether I want to see it or not.

Good luck to you.

Fandy

but of course pippi.

PippiLngstockng

Some of you recovering codies are a dour lot.

Good luck to you, too!

MissFixit

I think of it as "terminal uniqueness."

There is a movie with Al Pacino, Keanu Reeves and Charlize Theron called Devil's Advocate. Al Pacino is the devil(and a big time lawyer), Keanu is his lawyer son (unknown to K) and Charlize is K's wife. Anyway, K wins big trials as a defense attorney defending heinous guilty characters and he eventually ends up in NYC at the law firm of Al Pacino. K gets very cocky about his skills with Al Pacino and others constantly praising his legal successes even though he is saving bad clients. His marriage crumbles. His mind starts to go crazy and he kills himself when he realizes the devil has been manipulating him to do evil through his law work.

The film ends with the opening scene again. This time K makes a different choice not helping his guilty client, so his path is altered. However, this ass-kissing reporter approaches K about doing a high profile story on K and what a hot ticket he is right now. K agrees to the article. Right before the credits roll, Al Pacino talks to the camera saying that "vanity always was his favorite sin." Implying that K will once again fall into the devil's traps being manipulated to do his evil bidding. The devil manipulating K through vanity.

Anyway, I like that movie, but relevant to this topic, vanity in this description and terminal uniqueness go hand in hand. Thinking that rules or ethics don't apply to you or that other's must be beneath you to follow some basic systematic process of evolution. You can get into trouble thinking this way.

littlesister1

I think Pippi that you put far too much emphasis on the importance of a man in your life.
People are not dour, they just aren't in junior high anymore

Morning Glory

This is the focus of this forum.

Open to all who love someone who is addicted to Alcohol, whether they have admitted a problem or not.
Discuss coping tools, and learn basic recovery techniques for you, not the alcoholic.