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New tales of my dysfunction... lol

Old 10-15-2014, 11:02 AM
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New tales of my dysfunction... lol

Beyond the obvious that emotionally I most likely am not prepared to date ANYONE right now... I'm posting bc I am irritating the crap out of myself with the way my mind is working lately and thought I would share so that you can give me the virtual "snap out of it" tongue lashing I need.

A nice man (who I've known about a year and a half) has asked me to have dinner a few times in the last few weeks. He is complimentary without being overly complimentary and is quite even keeled (he is a lawyer actually and I met him bc of my divorce).

I have been totally honest and told him that while I enjoy talking to him, he's very nice etc... I am busy with kids, job, life etc... and just don't know that this is a good time... I was friends with xAH for years before we became involved and I just dont have any energy or time to devote to developing a new friendship right now-- and for me that would have to be the basis of any desire to start a new relationship....

He understood and has been totally decent about me saying no (as I would expect). We still chat now and then and he continues to be complimentary in a sincere way and told me that if I change my mind about dinner, to let him know. No pressure and it's nice...

And my mind? All I can think is "hmmmm wonder when the compliments would stop if I did have dinner with him..." and "yeah he's understanding only bc he thinks it will change my mind" and "he's probably just feigning being nice until he gets what he wants"

Real sane of me right??? Clearly not.

So it has gotten me thinking about the fact that for about 16 years I spent my life with someone who told me nice things ONLY for as long as it took to get him what he wanted... And I grew up with a family like that too... So I feel a little like I am hardwired at this point to be skeptical of peoples motives and I HATE that.

Whether it brought me crap or not in my life, I used to LIKE the fact that I was trusting as a person. And I am not anymore. Not at all. I do not trust at all. I look like a hawk at actions and patterns and get others opinions because I do NOT trust my judgement or other people.

And while I know that is natural after being married to an A and dealing with abuse etc... it just sucks... Sometimes I miss the naive old me...

Sigh...

No real question here-- I know that my thinking is a mess and I am aware of it... Just sort of pondering things aloud...

Thanks for listening...
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Old 10-15-2014, 11:07 AM
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I think your thinking is NOT a mess. I think that you are making observations about yourself and learning from them. I think you have been/are going through and survived what would destroy almost anyone else.

Grieve the old you if you want to, but new you is pretty awesome. It may be tougher to live in her skin sometimes, but she's gonna take better care of you, too.
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Old 10-15-2014, 11:13 AM
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I think you are fine. It will take time because I too have a very hard time when people say things to me that are nice...because I am not someone who has heard nice things over the years from my AH and truthfully, I thought it was just me! He says things that are nice, when it benefits HIM....

You have taught me a new lesson too. Thanks for this...I needed to see this.
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Old 10-15-2014, 11:25 AM
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I will say to you what I said to someone else the other day, it's actions over the long haul. You will know the true him when and if you spend some real time together and you get to see who he is over the course of a long while.

XXX

ps....I understand your thinking completely. I don't think you are wrong.
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Old 10-15-2014, 11:27 AM
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I'm glad others chimed in, because my thinking when I read the OP was, "Hm. Then I guess I'm screwed up too, because I agree with her."






Then I went to that doubting place in my head.



Then Sparkle slapped some sense into me
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Old 10-15-2014, 11:31 AM
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Wanttobehealthy, great post! I understand how you feel and think it's natural to have reservations. But maybe, just maybe this man was put in your life for a reason...maybe a positive reason? Why not go to dinner and see how it goes..take things slow...As Sparkle kitty said you know how to take better care of you now...If you see any red flags you can address them and move on or decide not to see him again. But maybe this person would be fun and nice to be with sometimes and turn out to be a positive person in your life....just maybe..
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Old 10-15-2014, 11:42 AM
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Maybe being more skeptical isn't a bad thing? I'm thinking of my friend who married two consecutive addicts and procreated with them, and then started dating and moved in with an alcoholic. She had tons of super nice normal male friends, but those didn't appeal to her -- she could pick a rotten one out of a room with chopsticks, I swear.

So that second-guessing and waiting for the other shoe to drop stuff, it sucks. I'm beginning to get used to not doing it, finally. But see it as jerk-protection. If someone really is a jerk, he's not gonna get that past you these days.
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Old 10-15-2014, 12:27 PM
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I agree with you and feel the same way. The other day, New Guy complimented me and I just said thank you. Then I was like, hey, I didn't question him or blow him off or wonder what he wanted from me.

Like others have said, it's the actions over the long haul that are the most telling.

He understood and has been totally decent about me saying no (as I would expect). We still chat now and then and he continues to be complimentary in a sincere way and told me that if I change my mind about dinner, to let him know. No pressure and it's nice...
Ditto with me and NG. No pressure at all, just an open door. When you're ready you can walk through it, knowing you have the wherewithal to walk right back out if you don't like what's inside.
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Old 10-15-2014, 02:32 PM
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I think it's a codie thing not to be able to accept compliments. It's always been an issue for me.

I don't date...don't put myself out there in a way that invites anyone asking me (pretty sure I put off a clear 'don't even try it' vibe) and don't know when if ever I will feel like trusting a man or making room for one in my life again.
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Old 10-15-2014, 02:37 PM
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Skepticism is healthy. If we just automatically trusted everyone who said we were pretty we could be in some really bad situations. It doesn't mean you shouldn't attempt a date now and then thought. Worst thing that happens is you find out you don't want a second or third one. I dated a guy for 8 months before I really decided it just wasn't what I wanted. The nice thing thought is when we are clean we are able to be a good judge of character and become more comfortable with having boundaries. Trust your gut, but take some calculated risks....it can be fun
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Old 10-15-2014, 03:00 PM
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I wish I could remember who said this (someone here). I've always remembered it and it sounded so legit to me - but I can't take credit for it When we get back into the dating world it isn't about trusting them, it is about trusting ourselves. Do we trust that we are healthy and able to make decisions in our own best interests? Do we trust ourselves to make the tough decisions? The one's we were not able to make before? Do we have boundaries and clearly identified needs and wants.

When we trust ourselves...we don't have to be so afraid of taking a chance on finding out who other people really are because we are certain who *we* really are.

You can take a chance on finding out who he is because you'll be OK no matter what you find out.
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Old 10-15-2014, 03:01 PM
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Originally Posted by JennaRose View Post
Skepticism is healthy. If we just automatically trusted everyone who said we were pretty we could be in some really bad situations. ...

Yes we would... Like marrying an A, staying with him, having kids with him, making excuses for him..

Oh wait... lived that life already...

So maybe being a hardened skeptic now and having a BS meter that goes through the roof at the first hint of BS isn't a bad thing...

Im thinking as a new career I ought to make myself available to the FBI and say that I could help with their criminal profiling... I think I've got the narcissist/sociopath pretty well figured out.... I wonder if theyre hiring?



And maybe I will give nice lawyer guy a chance to buy me dinner.... Hmmm...

I appreciate the posts from you all... I was all set to poke fun at my skewed thinking and get some tough love that I so appreciate from you all and am pleasantly surprised to find that maybe I am not so far off in left field with my thinking after all...

Go figure
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Old 10-15-2014, 03:21 PM
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May i suggest meeting for just a cup of coffee? or just dessert?. Sometimes, just the thought of dinner, and just the implication of the word "date" can be stressful.

A cup of coffee is harmless enough, gives you the opportunity to talk, without the pressure.

I think it's perfectly natural to be a bit skeptical, and I believe your logic and thought process regarding this whole dating thing, is spot on.
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