LifeRecovery

Pippi-

For me this is how I felt when I met, loved and married my exAH. I felt all those things, and conviently did not look at some of the concerns. This is how an early relationship is supposed to feel.

Another person does not make me nervous, my own rador (and my ability to overide it) does.

Though I have not dated (mainly on purpose) it is because I don't TRUST myself. I don't trust myself to honor those scary and hard feelings, because I did not before. I don't trust myself to not in the throes of an early relationship, take a big step back, breath and look objectively at what I have gotten myself into (good/bad or indifference).

I believe now, that it has always been less about the other person, and more about how I feel around them....and I don't yet completely trust that I will honor those feelings (good and bad).

You have had a lot of big changes, not only in the last two years, but the last six months, a lot of things that would be hard for me to deal with. For me a new relationship would be a much needed escape valve. Those feelings you describe would be an outlet like that for me. I am glad that you are working toward some of the hard pieces too. For me it is often hard to keep both in perspective.

stella27

I have that "bad boy until he met me" fantasy, too! Back when I was seeing a therapist (marriage counseling/separation/divorce counseling), he told me this about the guy I was crushing on:

"There is some reason he's never been married at 45. And it's not because he hasn't found the right girl."

It's a very ennobling fantasy, though. It makes me feel like somebody's savior, which I then remind myself is what happened to me with that alcoholic whose children I am now raising by myself.

BrokenInPieces

Honestly, I tend to take offense when people say this. And it's probably because I'm in my early 40's, single and never been married. My xabf was also. It would be easy for me to say "I can see now why he's never been married"... but then, what's my excuse?

I definitely have my *stuff* to work on - everyone does, But I don't believe I'm not worthy of marriage. The way I look at it, I just haven't met the right guy... and I've never said yes to the wrong one.

SeriousKarma

Elaborate on this, if you don't mind. What do you mean by "hibernation"? What bits and pieces are you rediscovering that you had forgotten?

redatlanta

Playboy's never retire.

I agree with Anvil this guy matches the description of every man on here you have been interested in including AH pre- alcoholism.

I think your picker is off.

I applaud you though, for moving on from the marrieds.

When a relationship is right Pippi - its not hard, its smooth, its easy, and its relaxed. The problem may be you, may be him, may be whatever.

LoveMeNow

Wasn't it just in August/September that you were involved with married man #3???

Sara21

It seems, based on your previous posts/threads that you don't want a man in your life, you NEED a man in your life, and that just doesn't seem very healthy to me. To be in a healthy relationship, both people need to be healthy INDIVIDUALS.

The phrase "If you don't like being alone, you're in bad company" comes to mind.

Forgive me, but it sounds like you are looking for a man to fill a void in your life and make it more exciting. By having someone come in and "sweep you off your feet", you're avoiding doing the internal work to make yourself happy. And make no mistake about it, it is work, but it is so worth it. And so are you.

I get that your husband neglected you and the rush you feel when someone notices you, compliments you, validates you, etc. But relying on someone else to make you feel alive (your words) raises a lot of red flags for me. You should make yourself feel alive, based on YOUR life, YOUR accomplishments, YOUR values, YOUR faith, etc.

It's one thing to slowly test the waters and meet new people, but your behavior reminds me of the girls in junior high and high school, switching boyfriends so often you can't keep them straight (they thought they were being cool, but they gave themselves a bad rep and everyone knew it). No mature, responsible man is going to go for that. Why not get your own house in order before getting involved with someone else?

PippiLngstockng

Hi SeriousKarma,

I stopped listening to music. I stopped dancing. I stopped reading novels. I was a mother in a big house and I was quiet, always listening for my alcoholic husband to come through the door, wary, on the alert, trying to remain innocent so that he'd have no reason to be upset.

Parts of my spirit curled themselves up in a ball and retreated from the world, to stay safely tucked away where xah couldn't hurt me.

I thought I would return to myself the day I sent xah out the door. But 2 years later, I still am coaxing myself out into the light. I am remembering who I used to be. More confident, outgoing, spontaneous, rebellious, playful.

And, yes, before xah I always had male friends and boyfriends. I had 3 boyfriends just before deciding to marry xah. They were all bringing me flowers and wanting to marry me. It was flattering but annoying. And then I decided to marry xah and I was perfectly faithful to xah for 20 years. The last few years were horrible. I married largely because I wanted to have children and I got a house because I also felt that I should settle the heck down and be good :-). Which I was perfectly capable of doing. I just didn't realize that addiction wasn't going to go away and I didn't know what an ogre xah would become/was...

So now I am dancing in my kitchen and laughing again. And I have been dating. But I also have the greatest community of girlfriends I've ever had in my life. They are all on vacation this week with their children, while I have a kitchen table full of bills to keep me busy today. Sleeves rolled high!

LoveMeNow

It is often said that an alcoholic has a large ego with low self esteem. I don't think it is said enough in regards to codies though.

Fandy

Pippi, your timlines don't match up from your other threads, it's very confusing how you have been in this relationship, when Mr.MG was moving heaven and earth to take you away to an island vation last month, running 3 marathons, going to your house in US with kids, etc. running 2 hours a day with a big sweaty man who wants to have more deep conversations.
how do you manage all of this? You need to patent your time management skills.

SeriousKarma

I can totally relate. On some level it must have been very boring.

You had a decent amount of experience with some wonderful sounding men before you got married. What was it about your husband that led you to choosing him?

lillamy

I can totally relate to this, too. I utterly lost myself. I told my therapist that I felt like Jodie Foster in that movie "Panic Room" -- like I had built a panic room inside me, and that's where the real me had locked herself up. And now that the danger was over, I had forgotten the combination to the lock and didn't know how to get the real me out again. And she still wasn't sure it was safe to come out. Four years on, I'm still working on getting her to move out of that room completely.

There's this quote that floats around on the internet -- something along the lines of "the person who comes out of the storm is not the same person as the person who went into the storm." For me, it's been more about discovering who I have become and who I want to be than to reclaim who I was Before AXH. And there's some grieving involved in that, too. In discovering that person -- she's gone. She won't be back.

MissFixit

One thing that I have experienced is that I am much more cynical than I ever was before. I trusted in an almost naive way before and now I do not. I am more relaxed than I was the first few years after the relationship ended, but I doubt I will return to the person I was before. Once the veil has been lifted, you cannot unsee things. You cannot unknow things. More importantly, I don't think it would be good/healthy or normal to "go back" to the person you were before. It would be like you were insane or something similar not to learn and make better choices.

lillamy

Thank you for that, MissFixIt! That's an insight that's actually very helpful to me. No, of course I don't want to go back to being the person I was before -- heck, I dated in a way that would have made me The Crazy Cat Lady Of Men if there was such a thing, and the one guy I dated who was normal and stood on his own two feet, that guy, I found boooooring.

No, we don't want to return to the insanity that got us to where we are today. That's a really encouraging thought!!!

SeriousKarma

Whaaaaaa ha ha haaaaa!!!!!!!!!!

Heck yeah there's such a thing!

I don't know where, or when, or about whom, but I am so going to use that line, Lillamy. And I'll be sure to give you credit.

Thanks

Santa

Well, exactly. I would think many of us here have fallen into that type of thinking. We all saw Grease right? It's incredibly seductive....the playboy, the bad boy, the one who fooled around until he fell in love despite himself - with me. Scared by how powerful his feelings are - for me. I could have had regular men - they were after me with flowers and proposals (constantly!) But it's the one who could not be tamed by other women - the wildly sexy man to whom true love is new and powerful and all because of me - that's the one I want.



Don't forget almost dying in the hospital.

Wisconsin

A few years ago, a casual acquaintance of mine on Facebook posted the old cliche that a woman wants a bad boy who will be good only for her, and a man wants a good girl who will be bad only for him.

With all due respect, barf-o-rama.

I posted a comment that basically said if your "bad boy" (or "bad girl") is bad in the sense that he is "tough" and "isn't afraid to speak his mind" (which usually translates into being confrontational, sometimes with complete strangers), then it is only a matter of time before that bad boy turns his anger and confrontational-ness onto you. I firmly believe this. Someone who plays tough and picks fights and does it under the guise of "I don't take crap from anybody" will eventually play tough and pick fights with YOU, no matter how "good" of a girl you are.

Funnily enough, my AH is really the first and only "bad boy" I have ever been involved with. And when we got together (when he was sober), he wasn't much of a "bad boy," although the warning signs were sure there and I sure did ignore them. But you better believe once he relapsed, he was storming out of his car to confront someone who cut him off. He was shouting at someone in the parking lot when they asked him for help jump starting their car and they didn't do it in the way he wanted them to. Ugh.

No more bad boys for me. Ever ever ever.

stella27

I know Wisconsin!

I tell myself all the time that "Nice is the New Hot."

lizatola

Oh, this strikes a chord with me! A dear Al Anon friend and I were talking about how we were ostriches through our marriages: hiding our heads in the sand, not wanting to look around us and see things for what they were because that would mean that we cannot UNsee these things. And, we knew, deep down that if that happened: all heck would break loose and we'd have to change.

I agree with what you all are saying here. I don't want to go back to who I was before I was married, I want to be transformed and new and real but that will take time to fit into a new bodysuit for my heart and soul. I am so grateful for recovery.

Pippi, you are sounding much healthier and more aware. Hugs to you as you move forward in your new life!

lizatola

LOL!!!! Yep, I hear you on this one. When my AH's family told me about all the 'bad boy' things he did, all I said in my head was, "Well, I'm such a nice person, I'll rub off on him and change him." BWAHHAAAHAA! Yeah, right. Lesson learned, I don't need to learn it again, thanks!