The in laws are getting feisty
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 577
If they are able to listen to you at all about what you've learned in your recovery, seems to me the nugget they need is:
An addict will NEVER get better as long as someone is keeping them from feeling the full costs of their addiction.
An addict will NEVER get better as long as someone is keeping them from feeling the full costs of their addiction.
Stoic
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Wash D.C.
Posts: 321
An addict will NEVER get better as long as someone is keeping them from feeling the full costs of their addiction.
I care enough to not enable her.
They are probably very ignorant as to how alcoholism works.
They are unaware of the 3 c's.
I care enough to not enable her.
They are probably very ignorant as to how alcoholism works.
They are unaware of the 3 c's.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,784
I totally agree that this is Codie-Quacking. They have no clue what they are doing, enabling her like this. And it's no surprise that after treating her like this her whole life, they aren't embracing change. He texted your whole family? OMG, high school never ends.
I definitely don't think that you need to break NC but have you thought about moving things along in a more legal way? Legal separation, initial divorce talks? Are your finances still co-mingled, etc.? I'm not sure where you are with those thoughts but maybe having some kind of understanding of the legalities or your relationship will help everyone move on to the next steps.
It sounds like they just think you're having a tantrum like a toddler & you're really just Done & want a legal separation unless she can prove a sustained period of XXXX time sober & working a recovery program. (apologies if you've already answered this - I may be forgetting parts of your story)
I definitely don't think that you need to break NC but have you thought about moving things along in a more legal way? Legal separation, initial divorce talks? Are your finances still co-mingled, etc.? I'm not sure where you are with those thoughts but maybe having some kind of understanding of the legalities or your relationship will help everyone move on to the next steps.
It sounds like they just think you're having a tantrum like a toddler & you're really just Done & want a legal separation unless she can prove a sustained period of XXXX time sober & working a recovery program. (apologies if you've already answered this - I may be forgetting parts of your story)
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
I have waited to post because I found this so triggering. I have had to wort hard to let go of guilt!
All I can say is "how dare he!!!" Texting your parents?? Who does he think he is? Sounds like a very unhealthy and controlling man. Marriage is not a life sentence. It's a mutually loving and respectful relationship.
I understand that he wants YOU to deal with her problems so he doesn't have to but still......what a jerk. Glad that you are not taking his bait or feeling guilty. I hope your parents are supporting your decision too.
Stay strong and keep working in you! Surround yourself with people who have YOUR best interest in mind.
All I can say is "how dare he!!!" Texting your parents?? Who does he think he is? Sounds like a very unhealthy and controlling man. Marriage is not a life sentence. It's a mutually loving and respectful relationship.
I understand that he wants YOU to deal with her problems so he doesn't have to but still......what a jerk. Glad that you are not taking his bait or feeling guilty. I hope your parents are supporting your decision too.
Stay strong and keep working in you! Surround yourself with people who have YOUR best interest in mind.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 113
Thanks for the wisdom everybody. I like the one liner " I love her enough not to enable her anymore". I will check out that link in a little bit.
My family supports me 100% My mom has worked in an ER here for 20 years so she has seen a lot of addict behavior. One of her longtime coworkers has a son she has stopped enabling because of his addiction. She has been very helpful to me as we'll cause I had no idea of all the tricks and games an addict will play.
Our finances aren't together. None of the bills are in my name, or the house. I stopped putting money in our joint account when I moved out. She makes her own disability money and can get by on her own, makes more than I do actually. I stopped looking at the joint account 2 weeks ago because I know she hasn't changed based on the continued games. If she is sober then she isn't much different sober. I have heard it said you can take the alcohol out of an a$$hat and you are just left with an a$$hat. Thanks for the responses. Have a great day everybody!
My family supports me 100% My mom has worked in an ER here for 20 years so she has seen a lot of addict behavior. One of her longtime coworkers has a son she has stopped enabling because of his addiction. She has been very helpful to me as we'll cause I had no idea of all the tricks and games an addict will play.
Our finances aren't together. None of the bills are in my name, or the house. I stopped putting money in our joint account when I moved out. She makes her own disability money and can get by on her own, makes more than I do actually. I stopped looking at the joint account 2 weeks ago because I know she hasn't changed based on the continued games. If she is sober then she isn't much different sober. I have heard it said you can take the alcohol out of an a$$hat and you are just left with an a$$hat. Thanks for the responses. Have a great day everybody!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Hockerik.......it takes a long time of not drinking to be sober .......Even longer to be in recovery. Sober is not necessarily recovery. Recovery is making the changes from the inside out.....it is working the steps, etc......in order to change the thinking..which leads to an attitude change....which , ultimately leads to changes in behavior.
I think you need to think in the l ong term, here. It is accomplished one day at a time, though.
dandylion
I think you need to think in the l ong term, here. It is accomplished one day at a time, though.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
My inlaws broke all contact with me when I left their son. In their eyes, marriage is for life and since I had promised to stick by him for better for worse, I was a liar and a [insert several derogatory terms for women who make their living by selling sex]. I should have stayed and let him kill me, basically, and God would have rewarded me in heaven.
I disagreed with that assessment of the situation.
Remember that you're an adult, and so is she. And you have every right to tell your inlaws (should you choose to at all interact with them, which you have no obligation to) to shove it. Or, more politely, to please butt out of a situation that is none of their [insert f-word] business.
I disagreed with that assessment of the situation.
Remember that you're an adult, and so is she. And you have every right to tell your inlaws (should you choose to at all interact with them, which you have no obligation to) to shove it. Or, more politely, to please butt out of a situation that is none of their [insert f-word] business.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 113
Thanks lillamy. I have thought about talking to them and letting them know where I am at. I realize that a) I don't need their approval and I wouldn't get it any way. B) they view this differently than I, the subscribe to the sickness and health and it's time for me to live up to my vows. The conversation likely would go nowhere. So I choose not to interact.
What they are feeling now is what I have been dealing with and feeling for 10 months that we have been married. They don't want to do it anymore and they won't detach from the situation and let her fall. I will end up the bad guy in their eyes but my future has already started so I don't really care what they have to say or think of me. I know who I am.
What they are feeling now is what I have been dealing with and feeling for 10 months that we have been married. They don't want to do it anymore and they won't detach from the situation and let her fall. I will end up the bad guy in their eyes but my future has already started so I don't really care what they have to say or think of me. I know who I am.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Denver, CO
Posts: 4
I have been following your threads for about a month - I left mine AGAIN on 7/19 so it has almost been 4 weeks. If you read my previous thread and this word STUCK in my brain - I have been MIRED in a huge mess. The MIL text me a few days after "he left" which is to say I didn't let him come back after he stayed gone all night - to tell me to leave her son alone and let him get on with his life - to which I replied HE is the one calling me and changed my number. I REALLY hope I find the strength to keep looking forward and not look back - in another month they will be calling me begging me to take him back..
I'm inspired by you but also can read between the lines that you still have hope that she will turn it around and change, I did the same thing, again and again and again and I feel like I'm so damaged that I might really be insane now! I still have in the back of my heart a deep hope that he would change, call, apologize, beg, promise, but for what, really? My first posts here were in 2009 and instead of getting out and staying out I've gone through another FIVE years. I am rooting for you, and see you are similar to me, LUCKY we are financially independent of them, have our own places, not tied by kids (and the step kids I learned I needed to let go of too, in fact, I was kind of pushed out by all the dysfunction between both of the parents), and that hurt, was in fact a BIG part of the demise of everything, HOW could they love me (I've typed this before) when I was leaving their dad every 3 months? They couldn't and after a time it's not fair to anyone. I am on here every day, just finding strength to BREATHE and it has helped. I know that if I keep the illusions away and try and not fall (I did trip a week ago and talk to him, but mostly it was to have a final say in things we all question later, like YOU never apologized, or even let me have the closure to say goodbye, etc. so on and so forth - LIKE stop calling my job everyday - can't change that number) and reiterated to him that I was NOT going to go back to dating him (in his NEW apartment- he thinks he's a KING right now because he has money and left me hanging on bills with his swift exit) but we all know that never lasts) - NOT going back to his lies and manipulation, NOT going back to being co-dependent. I have been keeping up with school (I'm almost a junior now) and he has made that difficult every step of the way - but now I'm trying to focus on me and getting back on my feet (new semester starts on Monday). I SEE how lucky I am. IF ONLY I could accept that he is not going to change (my secret false hope) - maybe if there was such a thing as a miracle, I would hear from him in a YEAR and would consider it, but if I am really LUCKY in a year I will still chose to be NC. Right now, no social media, I blocked him from sending me emails and even had to "de-friend" a mutual friend who always told me what was going on when we separated. I don't want to know, I only want to shake it off, and ACCEPT this is the end.
FINALLY - God please help me to not look back - It's been ALMOST 8 years, and I'm 41, NOT much time to waste in this life living someone else's life...
I applaud you and your reasonable mind.
I'm inspired by you but also can read between the lines that you still have hope that she will turn it around and change, I did the same thing, again and again and again and I feel like I'm so damaged that I might really be insane now! I still have in the back of my heart a deep hope that he would change, call, apologize, beg, promise, but for what, really? My first posts here were in 2009 and instead of getting out and staying out I've gone through another FIVE years. I am rooting for you, and see you are similar to me, LUCKY we are financially independent of them, have our own places, not tied by kids (and the step kids I learned I needed to let go of too, in fact, I was kind of pushed out by all the dysfunction between both of the parents), and that hurt, was in fact a BIG part of the demise of everything, HOW could they love me (I've typed this before) when I was leaving their dad every 3 months? They couldn't and after a time it's not fair to anyone. I am on here every day, just finding strength to BREATHE and it has helped. I know that if I keep the illusions away and try and not fall (I did trip a week ago and talk to him, but mostly it was to have a final say in things we all question later, like YOU never apologized, or even let me have the closure to say goodbye, etc. so on and so forth - LIKE stop calling my job everyday - can't change that number) and reiterated to him that I was NOT going to go back to dating him (in his NEW apartment- he thinks he's a KING right now because he has money and left me hanging on bills with his swift exit) but we all know that never lasts) - NOT going back to his lies and manipulation, NOT going back to being co-dependent. I have been keeping up with school (I'm almost a junior now) and he has made that difficult every step of the way - but now I'm trying to focus on me and getting back on my feet (new semester starts on Monday). I SEE how lucky I am. IF ONLY I could accept that he is not going to change (my secret false hope) - maybe if there was such a thing as a miracle, I would hear from him in a YEAR and would consider it, but if I am really LUCKY in a year I will still chose to be NC. Right now, no social media, I blocked him from sending me emails and even had to "de-friend" a mutual friend who always told me what was going on when we separated. I don't want to know, I only want to shake it off, and ACCEPT this is the end.
FINALLY - God please help me to not look back - It's been ALMOST 8 years, and I'm 41, NOT much time to waste in this life living someone else's life...I applaud you and your reasonable mind.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Denver, CO
Posts: 4
Looking back at my post it was in 2012 but I also posted in 2009 - maybe I used a different account? Here is the some of the smartest information I could have ever received and I chose to ignore it for my LOVE - I think I can throw up now, and I wish I could thank the person who sent it to me, I had it saved in my email - so here it is (for a man but alot of it still applies to women). Whoever sent me this THANK YOU, I still have it and I am referring to it when needed!
"The best that I can do is to
tell you the truth about alcoholism.
You may not like my answer to you, but it will be
honest and truthful.
The action that you take will undoubtedly determine
what the rest of your life will be like!
If your boyfriend does not stop drinking, and you stay
with him, you are
looking at a relationship and the good possibility of
having a lifetime
full of pain and misery. If he does not stop for sure he will get worse.
If you continue to stay you will
become his victim, but never his girlfriend, lover or
wife. Drinking
alcoholics take “hostages” they never take partners,
because their
alcoholism does not allow them to have a normal
relationship with another
human being. Alcoholics who are still drinking are
generally self-centered
to the extreme, booze is more important to them than
ANYTHING ELSE. As
much as he may love you his addiction will never allow
you to come first,
booze will always come before you, his health, his
job, his family, and
even his very life. By breaking up with him you may be
doing him a big
favor by helping to raise his “bottom”. In other words
his recognition
that he has lost another thing that was important in
his life. I know of
many cases where the non-drinker of a couple ends up
“joining “ the
drinker as a matter of their own survival. What ever
you do (unless you
are also having a drinking problem) don't join him in
his drinking, because to be
a male alcoholic is bad enough, but to be a female
alcoholic is much worse
because of the “special” problems that a woman drunk
faces. You will
become his weak prey that he can do with whatever
he wants to.
It is very easy for those who are close to an
alcoholic to become
“enablers”. An enabler is a person who allows an
alcoholic to continue
drinking, primarily by their acceptance of the
alcoholic's actions and not
holding them accountable for their unacceptable
behavior. If an enabler has no
special knowledge or
training in the field of alcoholism and they try to
help, the alcoholic
can sense the ineptness and weakness of the enabler
and they continue on
drinking because they know that they will be forgiven
and rescued time and
time again… and again. In a backhanded way you will give
him “permission” to drink by your continued acceptance of
his unacceptable behavior. What ever you decide to do it
should be based upon
your head talking and not your heart. Don't let your
actions appear to be
allowing him to continue drinking. If you continue on
the road that you
are on you haven't seen anything yet. Alcoholism is a
progressive disease
it only gets worse it never gets better on its own.
I would make it very clear to him that you do not want
to hear from him
again until he does something positive about his
drinking problem…and then
only after he has been sober in a program of recovery
(like AA) for at
least one full year. Never make any threat to him
unless you intend to
follow through with it.
HOWEVER, if for some insane reason you cannot stop
yourself from continuing
your relationship
with him, then it would be wise for you to go to
Alanon meetings. It is the
Only way that you will survive the ordeal
Of having an alcoholic in your life.
If you
chose to remain in your relationship with him and you
don't attend
meetings you have no one to blame for your situation
but yourself.
Alcoholics are not bad people, they are sick people
who need help, but
they must be held responsible for their actions! You
may not be able to do
anything about your boyfriend's drinking but you can
do something about
the problem that has developed in your life by having
an alcoholic in it.
Until you are armed with the right kind of
information, knowledge and
implications of the disease, your efforts to help him
will be for nothing.
Alcoholism is deadly and it destroys everything and
everyone who comes
into contact with it. Please go to meetings
it will be your only chance to survive the relationship.
If you don’t already know, it is generally believed,
by many in the field of
alcoholism, that it is a three-fold disease. Mental,
Physical and Spiritual.
The “mental” part of the illness refers to the mental
obsession to drink
that precedes the first drink... a pre-occupation with
thinking about
drinking which is so powerful that the alcoholic must
drink. The
“physical” aspect of the disease is, that once the
first drink is downed
a physical compulsion takes over in the form of a deep
incessant craving
that the alcoholic must continue to drink until some
outside incident
stops them or they pass out. The “spiritual” part of
the illness (not
spiritual in a religious way) is in the loss of an
alcoholic's values, and
a willingness to settle for less and less as the
drinking continues. It
becomes difficult for the alcoholic to determine the
difference between
right and wrong or good and bad. The alcoholic
develops a change in
priorities where drinking becomes more important than
health, family, job and friends.
Stopping drinking is not a matter of willpower.
Alcoholism is a disease.
Drinking alcoholically is but a symptom of a deeper
underlying problem
that must be faced up to in order for an alcoholic to
recover. Without
learning what that problem is, trying to stay away
from a drink is known
as "white knuckle sobriety". It isn't very long before
the alcoholic has
to drink again. For the alcoholic there is no such
thing as cutting down,
drinking only on weekends, changing what they drink,
smoking pot or taking
other mind altering drugs or even switching to “near
beer” with 0.05%
alcohol. For the alcoholic nothing will work short of
total and complete
abstinence from any thing that contains alcohol or
other mind-altering
substances (drugs). Of course the exception is a
medical doctor's
prescription as long as the doctor understands that he
is dealing with an
addicted person. Unfortunately, all alcoholics must
hit their own bottom
before they do anything about stopping. I am sorry to
say that hitting a
bottom for some many may mean going as low as a person
can go...plus six
feet! Don't let him take you there with him. Let him
go and get on with
your life. Once again, you may help to save his life
by raising his bottom
even if you are no longer together.
Until he “admits and accepts” that alcohol is causing
him problems there
is little you can do for him. No one can scare an
alcoholic into stopping
drinking. Cajoling, hand-wringing, threatening,
begging and even putting
him away against his will, will not get him to stop
doing what he has not
made up his own mind to do. Don't think that he does
not want to stop, he
can't stop when left to his own devices. Also, don't
be lulled into
thinking that an alcoholic will stop drinking just
because they say that
they will. It's not that he will purposely lie to you…
but they will lie to
themselves because down deep he is afraid to stop.
Alcoholism is
powerful, cunning, baffling and insidious. An active
alcoholic's choices
become limited to: attending a recovery program like
AA, or entering an
in-patient detoxification clinic that has an after
care outpatient program, then to the AA
program. If he does nothing about stopping then he is
destined to die a
drunk's death, get involved negatively with the law
or end up in a mental
institution. I am sorry to be blunt, but I am only
stating what you
probably already know. Rarely have I seen an alcoholic
stop drinking on
willpower alone. The disease is too powerful.
There is no reason why you
should remain in such a
horrible situation as you are. Just ask yourself what
you would advise a
friend to do if she came to you and explained the same
situation that you
are going through as her problem. I would bet that you
would tell her to
get away from him ASAP. You were not put
on this earth to allow another person to enslave you
and have to live in
fear and yet do nothing about it.
If you do talk to him you may want to say that
you are
leaving him because of his drinking. And… that
until he is sober for at least a
year or more that you do not want to hear
from him or have any contact
with you. You have to get
on with your life.
God forbid that you have a child with him and then
become tied to him for
the rest of your life and I am sure that he wont be a provider.
You know that its one thing for him to be ignorant of not
knowing where to get
help, but he does know and won’t do anything
about his problem.
I wish you the very best and I hope that I have not
taken too much liberty
with you in the way I have responded to your question. You seem to
be an intelligent woman…
don’t let this man destroy your life. Get out
while you can, and
concentrate on a someone who can love you, more than booze.
I know that you love him…
but he can’t love you and alcohol at the same time!
If I can be of further help or you want more info please
do not hesitate to
contact me again"
"The best that I can do is to
tell you the truth about alcoholism.
You may not like my answer to you, but it will be
honest and truthful.
The action that you take will undoubtedly determine
what the rest of your life will be like!
If your boyfriend does not stop drinking, and you stay
with him, you are
looking at a relationship and the good possibility of
having a lifetime
full of pain and misery. If he does not stop for sure he will get worse.
If you continue to stay you will
become his victim, but never his girlfriend, lover or
wife. Drinking
alcoholics take “hostages” they never take partners,
because their
alcoholism does not allow them to have a normal
relationship with another
human being. Alcoholics who are still drinking are
generally self-centered
to the extreme, booze is more important to them than
ANYTHING ELSE. As
much as he may love you his addiction will never allow
you to come first,
booze will always come before you, his health, his
job, his family, and
even his very life. By breaking up with him you may be
doing him a big
favor by helping to raise his “bottom”. In other words
his recognition
that he has lost another thing that was important in
his life. I know of
many cases where the non-drinker of a couple ends up
“joining “ the
drinker as a matter of their own survival. What ever
you do (unless you
are also having a drinking problem) don't join him in
his drinking, because to be
a male alcoholic is bad enough, but to be a female
alcoholic is much worse
because of the “special” problems that a woman drunk
faces. You will
become his weak prey that he can do with whatever
he wants to.
It is very easy for those who are close to an
alcoholic to become
“enablers”. An enabler is a person who allows an
alcoholic to continue
drinking, primarily by their acceptance of the
alcoholic's actions and not
holding them accountable for their unacceptable
behavior. If an enabler has no
special knowledge or
training in the field of alcoholism and they try to
help, the alcoholic
can sense the ineptness and weakness of the enabler
and they continue on
drinking because they know that they will be forgiven
and rescued time and
time again… and again. In a backhanded way you will give
him “permission” to drink by your continued acceptance of
his unacceptable behavior. What ever you decide to do it
should be based upon
your head talking and not your heart. Don't let your
actions appear to be
allowing him to continue drinking. If you continue on
the road that you
are on you haven't seen anything yet. Alcoholism is a
progressive disease
it only gets worse it never gets better on its own.
I would make it very clear to him that you do not want
to hear from him
again until he does something positive about his
drinking problem…and then
only after he has been sober in a program of recovery
(like AA) for at
least one full year. Never make any threat to him
unless you intend to
follow through with it.
HOWEVER, if for some insane reason you cannot stop
yourself from continuing
your relationship
with him, then it would be wise for you to go to
Alanon meetings. It is the
Only way that you will survive the ordeal
Of having an alcoholic in your life.
If you
chose to remain in your relationship with him and you
don't attend
meetings you have no one to blame for your situation
but yourself.
Alcoholics are not bad people, they are sick people
who need help, but
they must be held responsible for their actions! You
may not be able to do
anything about your boyfriend's drinking but you can
do something about
the problem that has developed in your life by having
an alcoholic in it.
Until you are armed with the right kind of
information, knowledge and
implications of the disease, your efforts to help him
will be for nothing.
Alcoholism is deadly and it destroys everything and
everyone who comes
into contact with it. Please go to meetings
it will be your only chance to survive the relationship.
If you don’t already know, it is generally believed,
by many in the field of
alcoholism, that it is a three-fold disease. Mental,
Physical and Spiritual.
The “mental” part of the illness refers to the mental
obsession to drink
that precedes the first drink... a pre-occupation with
thinking about
drinking which is so powerful that the alcoholic must
drink. The
“physical” aspect of the disease is, that once the
first drink is downed
a physical compulsion takes over in the form of a deep
incessant craving
that the alcoholic must continue to drink until some
outside incident
stops them or they pass out. The “spiritual” part of
the illness (not
spiritual in a religious way) is in the loss of an
alcoholic's values, and
a willingness to settle for less and less as the
drinking continues. It
becomes difficult for the alcoholic to determine the
difference between
right and wrong or good and bad. The alcoholic
develops a change in
priorities where drinking becomes more important than
health, family, job and friends.
Stopping drinking is not a matter of willpower.
Alcoholism is a disease.
Drinking alcoholically is but a symptom of a deeper
underlying problem
that must be faced up to in order for an alcoholic to
recover. Without
learning what that problem is, trying to stay away
from a drink is known
as "white knuckle sobriety". It isn't very long before
the alcoholic has
to drink again. For the alcoholic there is no such
thing as cutting down,
drinking only on weekends, changing what they drink,
smoking pot or taking
other mind altering drugs or even switching to “near
beer” with 0.05%
alcohol. For the alcoholic nothing will work short of
total and complete
abstinence from any thing that contains alcohol or
other mind-altering
substances (drugs). Of course the exception is a
medical doctor's
prescription as long as the doctor understands that he
is dealing with an
addicted person. Unfortunately, all alcoholics must
hit their own bottom
before they do anything about stopping. I am sorry to
say that hitting a
bottom for some many may mean going as low as a person
can go...plus six
feet! Don't let him take you there with him. Let him
go and get on with
your life. Once again, you may help to save his life
by raising his bottom
even if you are no longer together.
Until he “admits and accepts” that alcohol is causing
him problems there
is little you can do for him. No one can scare an
alcoholic into stopping
drinking. Cajoling, hand-wringing, threatening,
begging and even putting
him away against his will, will not get him to stop
doing what he has not
made up his own mind to do. Don't think that he does
not want to stop, he
can't stop when left to his own devices. Also, don't
be lulled into
thinking that an alcoholic will stop drinking just
because they say that
they will. It's not that he will purposely lie to you…
but they will lie to
themselves because down deep he is afraid to stop.
Alcoholism is
powerful, cunning, baffling and insidious. An active
alcoholic's choices
become limited to: attending a recovery program like
AA, or entering an
in-patient detoxification clinic that has an after
care outpatient program, then to the AA
program. If he does nothing about stopping then he is
destined to die a
drunk's death, get involved negatively with the law
or end up in a mental
institution. I am sorry to be blunt, but I am only
stating what you
probably already know. Rarely have I seen an alcoholic
stop drinking on
willpower alone. The disease is too powerful.
There is no reason why you
should remain in such a
horrible situation as you are. Just ask yourself what
you would advise a
friend to do if she came to you and explained the same
situation that you
are going through as her problem. I would bet that you
would tell her to
get away from him ASAP. You were not put
on this earth to allow another person to enslave you
and have to live in
fear and yet do nothing about it.
If you do talk to him you may want to say that
you are
leaving him because of his drinking. And… that
until he is sober for at least a
year or more that you do not want to hear
from him or have any contact
with you. You have to get
on with your life.
God forbid that you have a child with him and then
become tied to him for
the rest of your life and I am sure that he wont be a provider.
You know that its one thing for him to be ignorant of not
knowing where to get
help, but he does know and won’t do anything
about his problem.
I wish you the very best and I hope that I have not
taken too much liberty
with you in the way I have responded to your question. You seem to
be an intelligent woman…
don’t let this man destroy your life. Get out
while you can, and
concentrate on a someone who can love you, more than booze.
I know that you love him…
but he can’t love you and alcohol at the same time!
If I can be of further help or you want more info please
do not hesitate to
contact me again"
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Hockerick....basically, I was referring to the unrealistic expectations of your in-laws. It seems like they expected that a brief time of her not drinking is a predictor of what recovery looks like.
I was just trying to say that this early into the process.....there is just no predicting, with much certainty what the future will hold for her. Healing of the brain and the psyche is a long, slow process after the person has ceased consuming alcohol---and, the ball is wholy in her court on that.
dandylion
I was just trying to say that this early into the process.....there is just no predicting, with much certainty what the future will hold for her. Healing of the brain and the psyche is a long, slow process after the person has ceased consuming alcohol---and, the ball is wholy in her court on that.
dandylion
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 113
Thanks Fenix. That post was very helpful. I see what you mean about holding out hope. I guess I haven't let go completely or I just want to feel justified for my leaving or something. I am pretty much done and will be having the divorce conversation sometime soon. I just get so triggered when I get texts from people and the tell me what I "should" be doing or need to do.
Staying away is difficult and like you said about the step kids, going back only to leave again can be very damaging to them. I am sure I have hurt my SD in some way and I don't want to do that again, she is innocent in all of this. I was willing to give this 3, 6, 12 months or whatever was necessary to see changes as divorce papers are just a formality really. Her and her family seem to want to have a decision from me sooner than that,as if all of this hinges on my coming back or staying. If I have to act on their time one more time then so be it, but it will be the final time.
I love this forum and everybody has been a tremendous help going through this, it has truly kept me sane in some of my most triggered moments. The people here gave me the courage to leave, and then to continue to stand up for myself and beliefs. Thank you to everybody for your past and continued support. I hope to be in a place where I can inspire someone else to save their life as I have been inspired
Staying away is difficult and like you said about the step kids, going back only to leave again can be very damaging to them. I am sure I have hurt my SD in some way and I don't want to do that again, she is innocent in all of this. I was willing to give this 3, 6, 12 months or whatever was necessary to see changes as divorce papers are just a formality really. Her and her family seem to want to have a decision from me sooner than that,as if all of this hinges on my coming back or staying. If I have to act on their time one more time then so be it, but it will be the final time.
I love this forum and everybody has been a tremendous help going through this, it has truly kept me sane in some of my most triggered moments. The people here gave me the courage to leave, and then to continue to stand up for myself and beliefs. Thank you to everybody for your past and continued support. I hope to be in a place where I can inspire someone else to save their life as I have been inspired
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 113
Bit of an update of sorts.
I found out from my friend who's daughter is friends with my stepdaughter that AW got pulled over after picking up SD from school with an open container and DUI. This happened this past Monday.
The text from FIL came on Thursday trying to tell me she's better and I need to step up. He sent this knowing full well that she got pulled over. SD's dad came in town immediately and now SD gets to decide if she wants to live with my in laws or move back east with her dad. I hope she picks her dad and can have some stability in her life.
When I found all of this out I was so angry that FIL would lie to me so easily and blatantly. I didn't say anything to him so I guess I am learning something.
I found out from my friend who's daughter is friends with my stepdaughter that AW got pulled over after picking up SD from school with an open container and DUI. This happened this past Monday.
The text from FIL came on Thursday trying to tell me she's better and I need to step up. He sent this knowing full well that she got pulled over. SD's dad came in town immediately and now SD gets to decide if she wants to live with my in laws or move back east with her dad. I hope she picks her dad and can have some stability in her life.
When I found all of this out I was so angry that FIL would lie to me so easily and blatantly. I didn't say anything to him so I guess I am learning something.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 278
Originally Posted by Hockeyerik 
Bit of an update of sorts.
I found out from my friend who's daughter is friends with my stepdaughter that AW got pulled over after picking up SD from school with an open container and DUI. This happened this past Monday.
The text from FIL came on Thursday trying to tell me she's better and I need to step up. He sent this knowing full well that she got pulled over. SD's dad came in town immediately and now SD gets to decide if she wants to live with my in laws or move back east with her dad. I hope she picks her dad and can have some stability in her life.
When I found all of this out I was so angry that FIL would lie to me so easily and blatantly. I didn't say anything to him so I guess I am learning something.
I found out from my friend who's daughter is friends with my stepdaughter that AW got pulled over after picking up SD from school with an open container and DUI. This happened this past Monday.
The text from FIL came on Thursday trying to tell me she's better and I need to step up. He sent this knowing full well that she got pulled over. SD's dad came in town immediately and now SD gets to decide if she wants to live with my in laws or move back east with her dad. I hope she picks her dad and can have some stability in her life.
When I found all of this out I was so angry that FIL would lie to me so easily and blatantly. I didn't say anything to him so I guess I am learning something.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,784
Originally Posted by Hockeyerik
Bit of an update of sorts.
I found out from my friend who's daughter is friends with my stepdaughter that AW got pulled over after picking up SD from school with an open container and DUI. This happened this past Monday.
The text from FIL came on Thursday trying to tell me she's better and I need to step up. He sent this knowing full well that she got pulled over. SD's dad came in town immediately and now SD gets to decide if she wants to live with my in laws or move back east with her dad. I hope she picks her dad and can have some stability in her life.
When I found all of this out I was so angry that FIL would lie to me so easily and blatantly. I didn't say anything to him so I guess I am learning something.
I found out from my friend who's daughter is friends with my stepdaughter that AW got pulled over after picking up SD from school with an open container and DUI. This happened this past Monday.
The text from FIL came on Thursday trying to tell me she's better and I need to step up. He sent this knowing full well that she got pulled over. SD's dad came in town immediately and now SD gets to decide if she wants to live with my in laws or move back east with her dad. I hope she picks her dad and can have some stability in her life.
When I found all of this out I was so angry that FIL would lie to me so easily and blatantly. I didn't say anything to him so I guess I am learning something.
That's some pretty significant Codie Denial going on with your FIL. He's going to end up having a heart attack & completely burning himself out if he doesn't get a better understanding of addiction & codependency. He's trying to strong-arm everyone into compliance, and hitting brick walls every where he turns. UNBELIEVABLE that they are trying to pretend away a DUI!! I'm at a loss for words... do they think they can hide it? explain it? ignore it? I REALLLLLLLY hope your SD chooses to move in with her dad & remove herself from this dysfunction.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Alcoholics don't go and stay someplace where they can't drink, other wise they move on.
They have know for the last 5 years she has a drinking problem, and sadly her biggest problem right now is her parents.
Stick
with what you are doing, and detach from all of them.
They have know for the last 5 years she has a drinking problem, and sadly her biggest problem right now is her parents.
Stick
with what you are doing, and detach from all of them.
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