I totally agree that this is Codie-Quacking. They have no clue what they are doing, enabling her like this. And it's no surprise that after treating her like this her whole life, they aren't embracing change. He texted your whole family? OMG, high school never ends.
I definitely don't think that you need to break NC but have you thought about moving things along in a more legal way? Legal separation, initial divorce talks? Are your finances still co-mingled, etc.? I'm not sure where you are with those thoughts but maybe having some kind of understanding of the legalities or your relationship will help everyone move on to the next steps.
It sounds like they just think you're having a tantrum like a toddler & you're really just Done & want a legal separation unless she can prove a sustained period of XXXX time sober & working a recovery program. (apologies if you've already answered this - I may be forgetting parts of your story)