A long road - Part 2
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Thanks everyone.
Dandylion, I forgot to ask about a support group, but I am feeling like it might end up being my salvation, if things don't work out here.
Yes, my therapist is a very kind woman. My son, however, is probably too stupid to agree to go. he sounds very angry tonight.
dont know how much it will help, anyway, but gotta try.
I am more depressed today, and now this hateful attitude. oh well. nothing new.
love ya too Hevyn
Dandylion, I forgot to ask about a support group, but I am feeling like it might end up being my salvation, if things don't work out here.
Yes, my therapist is a very kind woman. My son, however, is probably too stupid to agree to go. he sounds very angry tonight.
dont know how much it will help, anyway, but gotta try.
I am more depressed today, and now this hateful attitude. oh well. nothing new.
love ya too Hevyn
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Chic, I think finding a support group would do you the world of good...it saved my bacon and helped me find my balance again.
You may feel depressed because he keeps you living in a place of struggle and you just get worn out and think it's "you"...and it's not. Getting out to a few meetings might just do you the world of good. And coffee afterwards too. Think about it.
Keeping you and your son in my prayers today.
Hugs and Hugs
You may feel depressed because he keeps you living in a place of struggle and you just get worn out and think it's "you"...and it's not. Getting out to a few meetings might just do you the world of good. And coffee afterwards too. Think about it.
Keeping you and your son in my prayers today.
Hugs and Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Thank you Ann. hugs back to you
I am so glad to have SR. It helps in so many ways.
Son said he confirmed the appt with her, but maybe he would cancel... being an azzzzzhat.
I am finding myself getting rather angry at him.. I may tie him and his computer up and drop him off in a big woods somewhere. Perhaps he will learn to make electricity
I am so glad to have SR. It helps in so many ways.
Son said he confirmed the appt with her, but maybe he would cancel... being an azzzzzhat.
I am finding myself getting rather angry at him.. I may tie him and his computer up and drop him off in a big woods somewhere. Perhaps he will learn to make electricity
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Originally Posted by chicory 
She offered to see son free of charge, a few times. He seems to be willing to do so.
He went job application hunting today... came home and filled them out and we took them in. I guess sitting around bored isn't as much fun .
He went job application hunting today... came home and filled them out and we took them in. I guess sitting around bored isn't as much fun .
You are understandably feeling down, but your plan is actually working; don't lose sight of that.
I wouldn't be surprised if your son is gaining more respect for you too. Don't give up now.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Well, FG, if I did not suspect everything he does as possible manipulation it might seem positive... but , I do think he is serious about wanting a job. he likes working and is a very hard worker... a people pleaser.. like me
I was wondering today if the things he does are not so 'mentally illness looking' as a dry drunk sort of thing? Of course, many things were there, long before he drank.. such as lack of common sense or focus or organization. or paying close attention and lack of patience.
anyway, smiling sounds like a good thing to do today I wanna feel better!
love
chic
I was wondering today if the things he does are not so 'mentally illness looking' as a dry drunk sort of thing? Of course, many things were there, long before he drank.. such as lack of common sense or focus or organization. or paying close attention and lack of patience.
anyway, smiling sounds like a good thing to do today
I wanna feel better!love
chic
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Originally Posted by chicory
Well, FG, if I did not suspect everything he does as possible manipulation it might seem positive...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
Chic, I'm considered a "dry drunk" by some in that I do not follow a formal program.
you've painted him into a corner, he has to conform to get what he wants...Internet. No one has ever told him he has to work for what he wants before, he is 42? 41? years old. this is a new concept for him. As long as he is not screeching vile names at you, don't pay him no mind, let it digest.
have a good day and don't pay attention to the catty ones.
you've painted him into a corner, he has to conform to get what he wants...Internet. No one has ever told him he has to work for what he wants before, he is 42? 41? years old. this is a new concept for him. As long as he is not screeching vile names at you, don't pay him no mind, let it digest.
have a good day and don't pay attention to the catty ones.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Fandy, with all due respect here, you are not a dry drunk, you follow a good plan to live your life well and stay sober. One does not have to have a formal program to have good recovery, sure it helps many including me, but some of the best recovery I have seen here are people who found a better way by learning from others who had been where they are.
Just needed to say that.
Chic, your boy will learn too, from you as an example of someone with boundaries and who lives your life well...regardless of what is happening. I agree with what Fandy said, if you pay no nevermind to his outbursts and calmly walk away he will soon learn that temper tantrums don't work and make HIM feel worse in the end.
Cheering you on, send in the clowns...Chic needs a smile today.
Just needed to say that.
Chic, your boy will learn too, from you as an example of someone with boundaries and who lives your life well...regardless of what is happening. I agree with what Fandy said, if you pay no nevermind to his outbursts and calmly walk away he will soon learn that temper tantrums don't work and make HIM feel worse in the end.
Cheering you on, send in the clowns...Chic needs a smile today.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
oh, I understand now. I always thought that the term 'dry drunk' was someone who acts like they are drunk, raging, or lacking sense, while they don't drink anymore.
Fandy I would never see you that way. I would think there are lots of ways to get sober and get well.
I was sort of proud (this is pathetic-lol) of my self this morning. He was up and as I was leaving he was spouting someting about internet, my harassment of him for these last few weeks, and something else. I just ignored it, and went out the door. He followed me out, sayng something about how much he is smoking his e-cig? and I just said 'smoke less'..
Then as I was driving to work my cell rang, and I saw it was him. I did not answer. I did not even listen to the voice message. I am sure it was garbage to make me feel bad or responsible somehow. I just imagined my self with you girls and you were saying, " Just ignore it Chic.. dont even listen. do not feel bad about yourself or guilty for anything. You are helping him and you deserve respect for that. just keep that in mind. and just don't listen to his junk anymore."
you girls give some great advice
Fandy I would never see you that way. I would think there are lots of ways to get sober and get well.
I was sort of proud (this is pathetic-lol) of my self this morning. He was up and as I was leaving he was spouting someting about internet, my harassment of him for these last few weeks, and something else. I just ignored it, and went out the door. He followed me out, sayng something about how much he is smoking his e-cig? and I just said 'smoke less'..
Then as I was driving to work my cell rang, and I saw it was him. I did not answer. I did not even listen to the voice message. I am sure it was garbage to make me feel bad or responsible somehow. I just imagined my self with you girls and you were saying, " Just ignore it Chic.. dont even listen. do not feel bad about yourself or guilty for anything. You are helping him and you deserve respect for that. just keep that in mind. and just don't listen to his junk anymore."
you girls give some great advice
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
AH HAH!!! HE WANTED THE *LAST WORD* to make you angry, annoyed, upset..You did NOT give it to him..VICTORY!!
go to Dunkin Donuts in the AM and enjoy a treat for yourself...
sigh, this road gets longer.
don't worry chic, I know I am not a dry drunk or white knuckle-er...(since I taught my daughter to drive)...I laugh those comments off from others who spew them at me. I am sober, what I do works for me, it is not anyone else's concern...blah blah blah.
go to Dunkin Donuts in the AM and enjoy a treat for yourself...
sigh, this road gets longer.
don't worry chic, I know I am not a dry drunk or white knuckle-er...(since I taught my daughter to drive)...I laugh those comments off from others who spew them at me. I am sober, what I do works for me, it is not anyone else's concern...blah blah blah.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Fandy, you just send anyone who snips at you MY way, you are a wonderful person and anyone who says otherwise will have to live with the wrath of my steel toed bunny slippers.
Chic, I agree...V-I-C-T-O-R-Y! You did NOT engage. If they spew their stuff at us and we choose to not listen...they end up spewing to the wind and the wind doesn't care. Perhaps dark clouds that float by are not filled with rain but unacknowledged "spew" that got lost in the wind.
My favourite nephew, when he was just a little fella about 4, used to answer my "requests" for obedience and manners with "I have no ears, I cannot hear!" as he plugged his ears. Wise words for a 4 year old.
Chic, I agree...V-I-C-T-O-R-Y! You did NOT engage. If they spew their stuff at us and we choose to not listen...they end up spewing to the wind and the wind doesn't care. Perhaps dark clouds that float by are not filled with rain but unacknowledged "spew" that got lost in the wind.
My favourite nephew, when he was just a little fella about 4, used to answer my "requests" for obedience and manners with "I have no ears, I cannot hear!" as he plugged his ears. Wise words for a 4 year old.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
I stayed busy, and away, for most of it. He and I are not speaking, really. He is angry acting, and I am angry..lol.
will have to ask him today if he is keeping the therapist appt. on Wednesday. But gonna wait til I get home today from work. not gonna let it ruin my Monday
will have to ask him today if he is keeping the therapist appt. on Wednesday. But gonna wait til I get home today from work. not gonna let it ruin my Monday
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 8,326
((((chicory)))). How would it work if you didn't ask him about the appointment? He's made it, right? shouldn't it be reasonable that he he keeps it? maybe a good boundary would be that he has to keep his word. If not, well, the consequences follow. I can't see a reqson for you to get upset and agitated by worrying about to until the time passes. He's a grown up guy. He needs to keep track of his obligations. I hate it that you're so angry and upset. Mostly because I had a similar relationship with my brother.
I love my brother, very much. We were close for years. But then his drug addiction (meth) took him away from me. Many years later, after he got clean, we re established our relationship. I grieved that loss for years, though. but I knew I couldn't make him be the person I wanted him to be.
I don't know if any of that makes sense. just know I love you and want you to be peaceful and happy today.
Love from Lenina
I love my brother, very much. We were close for years. But then his drug addiction (meth) took him away from me. Many years later, after he got clean, we re established our relationship. I grieved that loss for years, though. but I knew I couldn't make him be the person I wanted him to be.
I don't know if any of that makes sense. just know I love you and want you to be peaceful and happy today.
Love from Lenina
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Leelee yes, I wish I could do that. but I have to take him.. he has no transportation and his license is expired.
If he does not keep this appt, the therapist will lose money,,,and she has been so kind as to offer it for free, for an appt or a few. I do not want a no show to cost her, you know?
I wont argue with him about it.. just state that there will be consequences if he does not keep it. and to let her know out of consideration .
hugs, and I am glad your brother found his life.
love you bunches.
yes, I wish I could do that. but I have to take him.. he has no transportation and his license is expired.If he does not keep this appt, the therapist will lose money,,,and she has been so kind as to offer it for free, for an appt or a few. I do not want a no show to cost her, you know?
I wont argue with him about it.. just state that there will be consequences if he does not keep it. and to let her know out of consideration .
hugs, and I am glad your brother found his life.
love you bunches.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Chic, what if you mentioned it in a positive sense, rather than confrontational? If the appointment is at 10 am, for example, maybe say "If you like, on Wednesday, we can leave at 9 and stop for a coffee on the way to your appointment at 10." Or something like that. It may open the door to "I'm not going" in which case you can say "well, you know the consequences for that, let me know if you change your mind" and walk away.
It's easy for me to sit here and make suggestions, but I know that in reality it doesn't always play out so well.
I wish you a Happy Monday regardless of how his Monday goes.
Hugs
It's easy for me to sit here and make suggestions, but I know that in reality it doesn't always play out so well.
I wish you a Happy Monday regardless of how his Monday goes.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
by all means Chic, he should not have the power to make your Monday poopy. I like Ann's idea of maybe a stop to Dunkin on the way suggestion.
I think he will keep it, because he must want the means to the end....being internet access. If he keeps the appointment, he has a better chance of getting Mama to at least discuss. I know that I would be crazed without my access at home and I also have a smartass phone.
I think he will keep it, because he must want the means to the end....being internet access. If he keeps the appointment, he has a better chance of getting Mama to at least discuss. I know that I would be crazed without my access at home and I also have a smartass phone.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Why were you ladies all blessed with more common sense than I ?
On way home, I ran it by daughter..she is wise beyond her years.. she suggested like you girls, to wait until tomorrow , and mention about what time , etc. not to ask today, since I would probably just have to ask again tomorrow, in case he changed mind..lol.
I am hoping he will not start arguing, or try to make me convince him. I shall use your idea, Ann and just ask what time again, and if he'd like to stop for coffee first. then if he says he isn't going, I shall just ask if he has cancelled, so she can reschedule someone (prob. me), then let it go.
daughter says that I began this knowing it wasn't going to be great.. that it would look like this , and that does not mean that nothing will change. I am so black and white, and frankly,my hopeful thoughts wand is fizzling out, but I know that does not mean that this won't bring about change. it may take a while.
Thank you girls.
On way home, I ran it by daughter..she is wise beyond her years.. she suggested like you girls, to wait until tomorrow , and mention about what time , etc. not to ask today, since I would probably just have to ask again tomorrow, in case he changed mind..lol.
I am hoping he will not start arguing, or try to make me convince him. I shall use your idea, Ann and just ask what time again, and if he'd like to stop for coffee first. then if he says he isn't going, I shall just ask if he has cancelled, so she can reschedule someone (prob. me), then let it go.
daughter says that I began this knowing it wasn't going to be great.. that it would look like this , and that does not mean that nothing will change. I am so black and white, and frankly,my hopeful thoughts wand is fizzling out, but I know that does not mean that this won't bring about change. it may take a while.
Thank you girls.
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