NWGRITS

Stung, it happens every now and then that someone may be triggered by what they read and respond inappropriately. I know I've done it, as have many others. Emmy responded herself, so I don't think we need to go over it again.

Stung

Fair enough. I'm walking away from this thread too.

EmmyG

Haha, Stung you always know what to say.
That made so much sense to me. That is a really helpful point. The man wants to drink, so he will. And I won't change that. Thank you

EmmyG

This is all so valuable to me, honestly. Reading through it and it's giving me hope.

amy55

Emmy, just know that whatever you decide is ok. We are always here for you.

Sometimes I felt like I had to do things on other peoples timeframes. That didn't work very well for me. In fact it made me isolate even more then I already did.

I needed the time and the space to see clearly for myself. You aren't living with him, but I'm still not sure if that is the time and space that you need.

You are probably in daily contact. I know how that would have destroyed me. The hope that he will actually one day treat me right, would have been too much for me.

I understand this, I understand all of this.

You left because he chocked you, you probably minimized that by now. My ex also did that, I minimized it. What the hell is some marks on your neck? Then he gave me 2 black eyes, and raped me. I minimized that also. I minimized everything. I wanted to get those crumbs back so bad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So I allowed more and more, and the more I allowed, the more he abused me.

Emmy, I love you, and I don't want you to live my life.

(((((((((((hugs))))))))))

EmmyG

Thank you, Amy. You are a treasure. In home alone tonight and I'm just reading a lot and trying to better myself because I know my life can change. It is up to me!

Stung

Hang in there, Emmy. I think you're doing a lot and have made some huge strides in moving out on your own with your boys and gradually becoming more and more independent.

Have you started counseling yet? Have you thought about trying alanon? I put off alanon for a long time and honestly, it blows SR out of the water (not that SR isn't awesome but face to face real people seems to be much more impactful. I don't know why but it is.) In So Cal you should have a lot of meetings to choose from. It's at least worth thinking about going if for no other reason that it would give you an additional support system and confirmation that there are other people just like you: isolated, frustrated, hurt and unsure of what they should do next.

amy55

Again, it seems like an attack was going on, I didn't read all of the posts, and I don't need to.

I'm going to talk about myself. I was in a DV situation. I was already being attacked. I went to a forum to talk about things, to learn about things, but I guess I was too stupid, I didn't get get things fast nough. It made me more afraid to open up. I isolated more, became more afraid to talk to people. I was supposed to do things on their timeline. I wanted my own timeline. I knew that if I wasn't able to accept things in my own mind, that I would keep going back, I didn't want that. Each time you go back is even worse then when you left. They try to control you even more, because you already left once.

So please people stop this.

Firefall

Perhaps, it is because
We the listeners and supporters tend to move on
While the poster of the thread still needs to be heard and supported.

I am trying to go to the posts and recheck to see how they are doing.
That is what this is about right?

Some people have a harder time responding back especially when they are having this kind of fear, doubt and brokenness.

On the other hand if I am called out because of compassion and concern, I appreciate the courage it takes to say it like it is.

We are here because we care about ourselves and each other, right?

amy55

Emmy, just know that I will always be here for you, on your own timeframe. Whether you take 2 steps forward 1 step back, or 1 step forward 2 steps back. I get you, I really do. It's hard, I know that.

i didn't have minor children, and I still know how hard it is. I am here for you to lean on. You are a terriffic, beautiful person. And it is my pleasure to know you. I feel honored.

amy55

And I will address this, you are entitled to your own time frame. You came here asking for support and understanding. yes at times we can also throw in advice, but you know yananour life better then any of us.

It's ok with me if you come back with the same questions again and again, I know I did. I got so confused from listening to "gaslighting" that I didn't know up from down.

I do love you and I do respect you.

and more ((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))

Bullfrog

I remember telling my sister, who was also worried about my safety in my marriage, "I want to leave on my OWN terms." I wanted to plan it out well in advance. Basically, I felt so little control in the marriage, I at least wanted to control the leaving part.

Well, it didn't really work out that way. It ended up being a fast getaway, complete with restraining order and all that business. I didn't get the nice, agreed upon, eased-into separation. But who am I kidding? It was never going to be that way. I was married to an abusive alcoholic!

But here it is, many months later, and I am just so thankful to be out. It may not have happened the way I wanted, but it happened. I think that God just knew better-- He knew my ex's mental state and what he is capable of. I wanted a more gentle, hey let's be friendly co-parents approach. But I look back now and almost laugh at how crazy that was of me to think that was possible.

My point is that I suspect you might be trying to control the outcome as well. Let it go. You are not dealing with sanity.

Fandy

Emmy, it wasn't my intention to "be mean" to you. But I read your posts from the choking, his demeaning comments, calling you vile names in front of your kids, fat, , including the c word, he is teaching your kids how men treat can women.
And yet you will sleep at his house, go on "dates", find reasons to intereact with him by borrowing his laptop, let him buy you clothes and then wonder why he continues to treat you like poop. You allow him to have control over your life, nothing changes until you finally take back your own life.
like several people have said, ( including me in your last thread" feel sad)", he is showing you who he really is, why do you want to keep him in your life? He has his priority of drinking front and center.
you are not going to move on with your own life and develop a healthy relationship with others if you keep trying to fix things, his next binge tirade might not end with you escaping the choking, he might actually take it to the next level.
I hope you see this posting for what it is, I don't care if you direct your "anger"at me.

littlefish

There it is: the red thread that pops out from the rest of your statement. You say you don't want to let go.

You are holding on because you are hoping that he will change.

Okay: how much time do you have and are you a gambling type?

Sure, he might change in 15 years, after he has completely destroyed your sanity, your kid's mental health and his own mental and physical health.
Are you ready to throw away 15 years of your life like that? Are you ready to sign up for 15 years of misery?

And, you have to be a gambler to bet on 15 years, because it could be longer. And even worse, even if he got sober, he could still be a mess and you will get divorced anyway, after all those years of pain.

Breaking the kids hearts? As a child of an alcoholic, I can promise you, his active drinking will break their hearts and make them bitter by the time they are 9. There is not a whole lot you can do to shield them from a loved one's death, but you can shield them from an abusive parent.

FireSprite

Littlefish brings up some great points, I think. Made me flash back through my own separation with RAH (when he was actively AH) and especially the early days of that separation.

I definitely spoke of how great it was all going but underneath the surface was this expectation that everything was going to accelerate toward resolution now that we'd put our problems on the table & were working through them, right? Wrong. I was working, he was drinking. I didn't even realize I was having these expectations simmering away, not really, because I wasn't ACTIVELY trying to nurture them.

When I did clue in to how I was holding on in that way I realized it was because *for me* that expectation just existed on a fundamental level - I had never examined the idea, just expected it from the get-go when we initially separated. As time went on, my anxiety kept growing & where I started out strong I began instead to spiral quickly in the opposite direction. It wasn't helpful that AH was secretly drinking & his BS was so erratic & unexplainable that even when I HAD a feeling of a foothold on things, he would come along & in the flip of a coin, completely upset my world.

Finally Emmy, I was just too exhausted. I was in the best shape of my life, was achieving great things professionally, felt accomplished as a mother, & on & on, yet..... (R)AH had the ability to come along & rob me of all the positive in my life. I realized that no matter how much I loved him, I LOVED ME MORE. And, dammit, I deserved to have a partner who WANTED me in their life in a healthy way. I was tired of going to the hardware store for bread & realized that I'd actually rather someone who wanted to make the bread at home with me sometimes. I had a come-to-Jesus meeting with Me & decided that if he was meant to be in my life or deserving of my love then it would happen because he CHOSE to want me the same way back. That poem, "if you love something, set it free" popped into my head during this epiphany, I remember that SO clearly because while I always understood it's meaning, at that moment I connected with it entirely. HE had to be the one to wake up & see Reality, not me. And if he didn't? Someone out there, in this big bad, huge world, would. Or not. And it wouldn't matter because *I* was enough too. Until then, I had the choice to disengage & save my sanity & happy little world of positive energy.

Santa

Your life with an abusive alcoholic is destroying your kids emotionally. You think staying with him demonstrates the strength of your family bond...it doesn't. It normalizes abuse in the eyes of your children. You can "tell" them abuse is wrong, but they can see with their eyes that you stay for more. Even if you feel powerless for yourself, think of your kids.

Firefall

Firesprite in the post above has shared a lot of useful experience as have others...
If you can see your story emerge through their sharing of the truly gut wrenching life changing events you can gain strength and accumulated wisdom.

The concern I have for you Emmy, is that you have been surviving so long that it is his will you are imposing on yourself. Can you get counseling to help you gain inner strength that will help you become who you are meant to be?

From what you have shared it seems you are in a really dangerous situation. I hear the concern from the other members for your safety and that of your children.
Being alone is certainly more frightening for some than others. If you raise your children to be balanced and strong you will never be alone. The children are the promise of a brighter future. Protect them if you are not able to protect yourself.

You are valuable, but first you must begin to believe that and then you will do what it's best for you and your children.

allinon

Hi Emmy......I'm new to the forum and to Al-Anon. I'm questioning leaving my marriage of 30 years, too. My AH is not physical ...yet. I went to Al Anon for first time a week ago.

I still have so much to learn about all of this, but I just want to address something about your children. I am 51 years old. I was 13 when I heard my father and mother get into a fight after a drunken night. He hit her and broke her nose. He brought all 3 of us kids out to sofa and made a big scene about their fight. I was 13, my younger siblings were 9 and 5. My mother called my grandfather over to the house to deal with my dad.

We all remember that to this day..... over 35 years ago. It was a horrible experience and it only happened once as she left shortly afterwards. This one incident changed my relationship with my father forever. One of my worst memories ever. I absolutely cannot imagine how kids handle this on an ongoing basis.

Please --if nothing else-- keep in mind that leaving the marriage and providing a peaceful home to your kids is not failing them, but protecting them.

And I will concur what others have said about Al-Anon. I've felt isolated and while SR is really wonderful, being in the same room face to face with folks and chatting after meetings is great.

Good luck to you sweetie. Hugs and prayers...

DesertEyes

Easy does it people. If you feel emotions coming up then do _not_ post. Go walk around the block, breath some air, come back tomorrow.

Only post replies to the original question. Do not go off into tangents, that is called "hijacking".

If you _really_ want to help, read the sticky posts _first_. Before you post.

Mike
Moderator, SoberRecovery

NWGRITS

It's often said here that having no father around is better than having an alcoholic father around. And we say it because it's true. If I could scoop up all the children who are living in alcoholic homes and place them in a happy, healthy place, I would. No child deserves that kind of abuse. This is destroying them. They are going to grow up doing what was modeled for them in their childhood. That can be choosing to date and/or marry abusive partners with or without addictions, or it could be choosing healthy partners who value them and would never lay a hand on them. You make the choice of what they learn. Right now, in this very moment. What would you say to one of your kids if they came to you and told you this was happening to them in their marriage? Looking at it from that perspective might help a little bit where they are concerned.

You can stick it out for 5, 10, 15 more years. And then what if nothing happens? What if he doesn't change? Will you take a chance on another 5 years of being his personal punching bag? (((HUGS)))