Butterfly

Emmy I understand how difficult it is to let go of your marriage. My AH left me 4 months ago so he could drink when ever he wanted and for the first few months all I did was think about him contact him it was still all about him and how he was feeling and why our marriage had turned out the way it did. I had no idea how I felt or who I was I cried everyday all day but never seemed to feel any better. When I knew he was drinking I worried so much wondered where he was and if he got home safe or was he driving drunk. Going no contact really helped me as it gave me time to think about me and the longer I had no contact the better I felt and truly began to grieve for my lost dreams of my future of a marriage and a husband I wanted and never had. My AH priority was drink always has been always will be and only he can make the choice to seek sobriety.

Going no contact was the best thing for me and my kids as I became stronger and more rationale in my thinking. I no longer worry when he is drinking to the same level I can go to bed and night and not wonder where he was or why he would hurt me this way or if he was hurt somewhere I never slept until he came crawling home. Don't get me wrong I have a long way to go but iam in a better place than I was 4 months ago. It does get easier and what you are going through is incredibly painful and hurtful. The only contact I have is about my kids nothing else you have to think of yourself and your kids not him.

I wish you peace

Butterfly

Emmy another point I like you seemed to wonder and question the same things over and over again my mind was on a loop I kept asking why how and how do I manage without him. I needed to go through that stage of constant questioning to understand I would never get the answers I needed to move forward I drove myself crazy Nd every time I saw him it completely destroyed any progress I had made and I was right back to square one. Again I needed to go through that for myself to realise how much damage I was doing for myself.

Keep going your doing great you've taken the first step and left him. Please focus on you

hopeful4

I think we all need to remember we are here to support ans encourage one another. Just because advise is offered, it may not be the right time to act on it, or it may not be right for that persons situation. Breathe. SR is an amazing place and we all care about each other, no doubt about that. We all want Emmy and her family safe and well. We may offer the same support over and over and thsts ok! Emmy, we love you. We are here as your support and will encourage you and catch you as many times as you need us because we may all need that at some point. Dont split hairs over how you support a person, just make sure they know it comes from the heart.

Not one person on here is wrong or right. SR is full of love and caring, of that we should all be thankful.

Much love to SR and especially to you Emmy and the many others who have suffered with DV.

EmmyG

Yes that would be true if I was still with my husband. My rings are off.
I've started using my maiden name at work again. Bottom line, I moved myself and my kids out of that home FOR them. So no, I don't think I'm demonstrating that abuse is normal and destroying my kids. My kids are with me and sometimes with their dad. Other than the two times they've seem him drink on outings, he doesn't drink when he is their caregiver. I can't keep them from
their dad unless he drinks around them, drives drunk, or becomes abusive toward them when caring for them.

I am working full-time and going to school. I've just signed up as a team leader for my older son's soccer team. I do as much as I possibly can and I love and cuddle my boys every night. I talk to my six-year-old a lot about the transition we are going through.

So for the record, I haven't stayed in an abusive marriage. I am out. Now I am just navigating a new life. And realizing that no contact is the best option.

I don't think this site is the place to come for me anymore.

hopeful4

Emmy i hear your frustration and i get it. Ithink you are demonstrating to your children you love them and will do everything in your power for them. I get it, the system fails the children so when we leave there is another set of problems to deal with. Unless you have experienced it you dont get how hard it is. Just remember, lots of people have opinions but that does not make them right. I hope you choose to stay here and both gain and receive the support you need.

Much love your way!

amy55

Emmy,

thanks for your reply. I know how hard it is at time. The heart just takes over the head. I was there, maybe still am, and I am divorced over 3 years.

Just know that you can talk to me. Don't shut yourself off. I love you and I love your children. I just want the best for you, whatever that may be.

(((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))

Brave

Hi Emmy, I am in a somewhat similar situation, minus the kids. You are making progress, I can see that for sure! Leaving is by far the hardest part. I think it's a wise choice to nix the family outings and just keep contact with your H limited to kids and finances. I know you want to provide as much peace and stability for your kids as you can, but the incident on the 4th shows you that he is neither stable nor peaceful.

You have not and will not fail your children, he has. That's not yours to own. One day at a time, you've got this. It will get easier, I promise. I know it has for me.

amy55

Emmy , I've been where you are. I needed a shoulder or some one that I could lean on, I'm that shoulder. Lean on me till you are strong. Stay with us, there are so many here that really care about you.

EmmyG

Thank you Amy!! It's a journey. Let's give those who are down a little credit and appreciate that sometimes they are just doing the best they can but it is still hard.

TonightTonight

...You are an inspiration of strength. I do not have kids, no job, not in school and have not left. Thank you so much for your posts here. I hope you reconsider leaving us.

amy55

.

Emmy I hear you. I will always be there for you. To me you are the best.

Firefall

Emmy, can you tell me if I understand your current challenge?
I thought you are moved out, trying to move on, but you are still grieving for the man you married?

I feel really dumb right now perhaps because this thread had a lot of responses, I dunno.

You are very brave after was it 7 years of isolation? dunno how I would handle it, having trouble detaching from my baby sister..... whew

Keep going, please keep posting your journey will help others here, it is helping me as I read how far you have come.

Hug and wishing you a blessed week.

LoveMeNow

Emmy - I really understand the whole - not being able to rap my head around it. I struggled and struggled with it. But after going no contact for just 5 days, I have gained so much clarity.

Also, my therapist has been very helpful in teaching me about the pathways in the brain that develop when abuse exists. I really recommend finding a therapist who specializes in abuse. Trauma bonding makes it even harder to leave. You are not alone.

Keep working on YOU and everything will come together. You are doing a great job. Coming out of denial was the hardest first step for me. Acceptance has been just as difficult but going no contact was so helpful.

CodeJob

Emmy,

Grief is not a straight road. Your path is your own. You have made incredible strides. Absolutely incredible strides.

Perhaps a counselor and Al Anon might really help support you with intimate face to face support to work through your next steps - which are likely emotional not physical.

Be well EmmyG!

SparkleKitty

EmmyG, I hope you stay on the boards as you continue moving forward at your own pace. Sometimes the lesson we have to keep learning is to take what we want and leave the rest. Sometimes I also say, Take what you're ready for and save the rest for later. There is a lot of love and support for you and your situation here. It's an open forum; everyone has good days and bad days, and some posts are more helpful than others at times, I am afraid that just comes with the territory. Sometimes a post that is not helpful one day is the exact thing one needs down the road. And sometimes not. It's important to build a trusting relationship with ourselves so we can put that whole taking what we want and leaving the rest into action.

If you do decide to go, I wish you and your kids the best navigating the journey ahead. I think you have proven yourself brave, strong, capable, and willing to learn. You have all the tools you need. The support will be here for you too.

honeypig

I especially agree w/this section of SparkleKitty's post, and particularly the bolded portion. I recently went back and read my journal of sorts as well as all the threads I started here at SR and I can't believe how different things look after some time has passed and my experience and knowledge have grown. I found things I'd never even noticed in the past in posts to my threads, as well as finding a whole new understanding of what had been said!

Just b/c you're not ready to understand what someone says at this point in time, or b/c you resent it now or find it hurtful now, doesn't mean that in a few months you won't be leafing back thru your threads and suddenly go "holy carpfish! This is a real pearl--how did I miss this the first time around?"

Someone recently started a thread about how the advice that made them angry or uncomfortable was always the advice that turned out to do them the most good, in the long run. I had posted to that thread and agreed vigorously, as I have found that to be the case for me too.

To expand on what SK said in her post also, we all have good and bad days. None of us are professionals, none of us have formal training in alcoholism/addiction counseling, none of us are getting paid for this. We're just all flawed humans trying to grow in our own lives and help others out as best we can. A saying I've grown fond of lately is "Be kind; everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about." I think that cuts both ways here at SR.

Hope you decide to stay, Emmy, but your decisions are your own, and I wish you the best either way.

Santa

EmmyG: If I offended you, I apologize. In your opening post, you stated that it is hard to let go and that giving up on your marriage to an abusive alcoholic would mean that you and your husband failed your children. My point was simply that the only way you AND your husband fail your kids in this situation (your husband has failed all of you many times over) is if you can't do what you say you don't want to do: let go. In my opinion. Be well.

amy55

Sometimes I think that some leave a marriage expecting change. That things will begin to get better. We keep our hopes up. Then our hopes, dreams, wishes, are just stomped on. It hits harder then.

I did this.

I would have always gone back. I just needed that little crumb of hope. Then there was none. I fell apart.

Another thing that I remember, each time I left or tried to leave, he tightened the control, the abuse got worse.

That is why I try to make sure that someone who is leaving is OK with all of this in their own mind.

I'm still here for you Emmy, anytime you want to talk, I'm here.

Don't do what I did. I isolated.

HealingWillCome

Emmy, today I went back and reread a couple of my old threads. I haven’t read them for years. Like yours, one of them was about not being able to let go. I was dying inside. I shared here and many good people posted. Some were nice, some offended me. Looking back, some of the soundest replies contained gems of wisdom that I wasn’t able to process yet. All I really wanted was for my pain to stop, but what I wanted most was for him to be healed. In my brokenness, I wanted him to be the cure. I wasn’t ready to let go of my hope.

We tried off and on for another three years after that. He grew, I grew, we grew together, but in the end, his addictions crept back in, and I surrendered. I knew I was ready though, and I was able to let go with peace. I had done everything I possibly could to make it work. I couldn’t have loved him anymore or given him anymore of myself than I did. I was finally able to accept my reality and make peace with it, but I had to do it in my own time.

If someone had just magically washed away my pain back then, I would have been grateful. What I didn’t know is that it would have robbed me of the journey of getting to know myself. Through a lot of hard work, I discovered what was inside of me that needed healing. And none of it had to do with him. As painful as it was, I’m thankful for the journey.

It may not feel like it, but you are doing beautifully. You have removed yourself and your children from a dangerous environment. You’re working, going to school, loving your babies. This is an opportunity for you to grow and learn who you are, to take control of your destiny. You will always be connected to him through your children, so learning how often, when, and how to have contact without rocking your world is going to be critical. I hope that you give yourself the gift of some personal counseling or therapy, and find an Al-Anon group. Put your focus on you. You’ll find your peace and learn how to let go eventually. It won’t be easy, but the journey really can be the reward if you let it. Hugs to you, Emmy. You’re doing beautifully.

amy55

Healing, I just want to thank you for this from the bottom of my heart. It was beautiful. I needed this today also. I remember just wanting to know the here and now. I didn't want to look at the past and the future, it kept me stuck.

It also helped me with where I am today. The limbo part is the killer. The always hoping.